Around
By a. loquita
Spoilers: for various episodes in season 6

VVVVVVVVV

I am dreaming of Carter's amazing mouth taking me deep into her throat. She's making these little noises and doing some pretty mind-blowing suction and then… suddenly the dream is far too incredibly real.

I blink in the dark. All I can see in the moonlight is the top of a blonde head of hair down near my crotch. I don't care if I'm dreaming, I moan, "God, ah… please don't stop." She picks up the pace.

A few minutes later, I lay completely boneless– in more ways than one– while Carter is in the bathroom. My Carter, a spitter not a swallower, apparently. Not that I'm complaining. Who the hell cares after this kind of historic moment?

While I lay there, I review what just happened and catalog it away for the future. Like when she finally realizes I'm worthless and she never comes back. Then at least I'll have this in my memory to hold on to.

Carter is like a drug I've tried recreationally twice. Well, unless you count that blowjob just now which my former Commander-in-Chief Clinton doesn't. If I count it, it's three times now. Whatever the count, she's a drug that I'm beginning to have no ability to turn away from. I'm on the edge, about to become an addict.

When Carter enters the bedroom again, I can see she's wearing her pajamas. I wonder if she wore them over here, like last time, or changed once she snuck inside my house while I slept soundly. She crawls in next to me.

"Samantha…" I start. Oh, no, far too dangerous. "Carter," I correct myself, "um…"

I want to ask what the hell this is about. But then again, I'm not sure I want to know the answer. Maybe it's best not to question this. I told her once not to over think this and maybe I should take my own advice.

We settle in together, warm and happy, but we're not. Happy that is. This is breaking rules and it kills Carter every time she does this. After, she pulls back, she makes herself crazy, distant, and all of that plus other stuff means that this kind of night isn't supposed to happen. We had a deal.

"You shouldn't be here," I remind her. "You know that I can't say no to you."

An ambiguous, "Mm," is Carter's only response.

"You're the one who's supposed to stop us. You're the one that is supposed to hold me at arms length."

"I don't want to."

And I don't want her to either. But she's the good one here, at least she's supposed to be, that was the deal. We wait and she keeps us honest. God knows I'm not. All I want is her.

"Jack, please."

Carter begging, stick a fork in me, I'm done. Under normal circumstances my willpower when it comes to Carter is around 7 on a scale of 0 to 100. When she begs, it goes down 12 points.

I'm not an old man but I am far from being a teenager, so I shouldn't be able to recover this quickly. But her quiet, simple plea while being here in my bed, running her hands up my thigh, planting kisses on my neck– yeah, there's absolutely no way I'm not going to take and then maybe take some more. I'm a selfish bastard but right now, I could give a damn.

I peel off her pajamas and I simply stare at her. She is amazing, there's no other word for it. Amazing blue eyes, looking at me with such confidence. Amazing skin, that is pale, smooth, and warm.

"Are you just going to look?" she asks, with a crooked smile.

"Oh, I'm gonna touch," I reply, putting my hands on her skin, sliding over it, exploring every inch of her.

Later, when I enter her, I hold for a moment. Looking down at Sam's heavy, desire-filled eyes, I know that this is good and right and all that is holy.

"What's wrong?" she asks, on a gasp.

"Not a thing. Just want to take my time and enjoy every second of this."

Carter smiles a little. "Moment over," she smacks lightly on my ass, "get moving."

"Yes, ma'am," I say, sliding out slowly, and then back just as slow.

She makes a little sound and then says, "Jack," in a very frustrated tone.

"Problem?" I move in and out again, slow.

"Faster."

Oh, yeah, I love it. I'm a disgusting man. I want her to beg and plead until I'm the only thing that matters in her world, just for that second of her life. But the problem with Carter is she only lets herself go to a point. I suspect there's a part of her that she will always hold back. I want all of it, all of her. Did I mention selfish, disgusting, etc?

I pick it up a little, but not enough. She's trying to raise her hips to meet mine. But I've got her pinned to the mattress pretty well. Instead of pushing up, she wraps her legs around my back and takes me in deeper.

Yes, this is heaven. I'm starting to lose my ability to think. I speed up now. But still… "What do you want?" I ask her.

Sam's almost nonsensical but among the sounds, she manages to get out, "Harder…"

I respond to her request. She's pleading and whimpering, "Jack."

Suddenly, I feel Carter contract around me. It's incredible and between that sensation and hearing her say my name in that way, I have no strength to hold myself back any longer.

I drift for a while, dizzy from our lovemaking, and the knowledge of what we just did. My mind goes in a thousand directions at once, most of them about Carter's body. But some thoughts are different.

Sam never turns up at my house after our average put-your-life-on-the-line stuff. Only after the really bad stuff. Even before the sex aspect started, it was Carter's MO. And the scarey part is, this time I can't figure out what made her show up here. Not because nothing bad has happened, just the opposite, so much has happened that I can't even begin to choose which is worst.

We nearly drowned in that freezing water in our almost inherited ship, and then there was the whole Ba'al torture, after which I thought for sure she'd come to me. I know how Sam is, and somehow she's figured out that one was different. Carter knew and then because of the way I was closed up about it, I was sure she'd be worried and come to me. Wanting to sooth me and make sure that it wouldn't destroy me permanently is perfectly Carter. But she didn't.

Of course, I never went to her, not like this. I can't do that to her, I won't. Sam can have whatever she wants. But I'm sure I don't deserve to have all the things I want. I shouldn't even be thinking about it, let alone acting on it.

We haven't yet talked about the events that lead up to the Ba'al thing either. Her asking me to take a symbiote, and me doing the last thing I ever wanted to do but I did it for her. One of the things that nights like this have always been about is the two of us talking. Even before it became more, these nights were about low tones, just us. In the dark, discussing topics that are off limits in every other situation other than this one.

If I were in Vegas and I were a betting man, I'd put a little money on the possibility that Carter finally wants to address that moment that she begged me– while not in bed. I'm guessing she's got some guilt about using my feelings against me, manipulating me, and she's maybe afraid of hearing 'I told you so' when it comes to trusting the Tok'ra.

But I wouldn't put too much money on it, because it's really not a new concept that I would do anything for her, anything at all that she asks of me. Carter knows I cave when she gives me a certain pleading look. But maybe she doesn't know that I would never call it manipulation, I would say it's more like basic truth of my existence that long ago I became fine with.

Sam's ordeal on the Prometheus just a few weeks ago could have been the driving force behind coming here, but somehow I doubt that one. Since the incident with Fifth she's been mad at me. Not in the insubordinate way, in her 'I'm disappointed in you but I'm gonna pretend it didn't happen' kind of way. So, I doubt it's that. Anger turning to sex really isn't Carter's style.

Now I'm curious. What has haunted my Major to the point that she demands of me the kind of comfort she knows she shouldn't? I lift my head from where it's been resting on her breasts. Flawless, beautiful… focus, I tell myself.

"Carter?"

"Humm?" She's drifting, I can tell by her voice and the deep breathing that she'll be asleep soon. But she's still with me enough to answer right away.

I ask, "What was it this time?

"I'm not angry anymore about what happened on Halla, if that's what you're asking."

"Yeah, I kinda got that. The whole horizontal cha-cha sorta made it pretty clear."

After a while, she finally answers me. "Ironically, it was Agent Barrett."

"What?" I'm thrown. Seeing Carter eat fruit loops wouldn't be a bigger shock. "That? That whole Kinsey thing was nothing. You and I both knew from the beginning it was a joke. No one's life was ever in danger."

"There are different ways to have your life in danger."

"Still."

"It wasn't because of what happened," Carter says. "It was him. Barrett. He likes me, I can tell."

I stiffen because I suddenly know what this is. This is the last, pity-filled, guilty act before she says good-bye. She wants a new guy in her life. I start pulling my hand away from where it's been resting on her stomach.

"Don't," she orders me. She grabs my hand, and places it back. "Barrett covered me like I was some damsel in distress, for God's sake. I don't ever want to be with a man who sees me like that."

"Then why?"

She says it like it's the lost 18 minutes of the Watergate tape, "He knew."

In the long silence that follows, I can tell this is something that's hard for her to admit. Carter continues finally, "Barrett could see right through– he wanted to know why I was so sure that you couldn't have killed Kinsey. He said, 'No, there's something more than that. There's something you're not telling me.' Then Barrett looked at me like…"

"Carter?" She's got me really worried.

Sam responds, "It's becoming obvious in my actions and words what's been happening between us. Outsiders can take one look at me and know."

She will beat herself up over allowing that flaw to show, I just know it. I reply with logic, hopefully that will help. "If he knew, there'd be charges filed already."

"Yeah. Thanks for reminding me of that part of this whole mess."

Mess. That's what she thinks of me, of this. My heart slides into my stomach where it's chewed on by the acids there. I say to her flatly, "Maybe we should just get some sleep–"

"I know it doesn't make any sense." She cuts me off. "It should drive me away from you. It should scare me. It should convince me more than ever that us, doing this, is a very bad idea."

Yup, acid bath gone wild.

Carter sits up and turns. Propping herself up so that she can look at me. "So why does it make me want to be here more than ever?"

"Because I would never treat you like a damsel in distress?" I ask hopefully.

"Yeah." She smiles a little. The acids slow ever so slightly, as my hope grows. After a rather long pause she says, "The waiting isn't working for me."

I suck my breath in. Damn. Decisions are now gonna have to be made. Stuff I don't want to think about and certainly don't want to have a big talk about. Little talks are fun, big ones are a pain in the mikita.

"I'll retire," I say slowly.

"No you won't. I will."

I roll my eyes, and scrub my hand over my face. Are we really gonna fight about this?

"Carter," I say in my most unhappy 'Commanding Officer Growling Tone' that I can summon. "It's 3 in the morning, we have to be at the SGC in 4 hours, can we have this fight another time?"

Apparently not, because she keeps at me, reminding, "If this thing with Kinsey taught us anything, it's that there's many more dangerous forces out there than just the Goa'uld. The SGC needs you."

"And what are we gonna do the next time that we need you to figure out how to undo some do-hickey thing that's about to blow up the world and you're not there?"

Carter suggests, "Maybe they'll allow me to work as a civilian at the SGC."

"No. Not good enough."

"Jack–"

"Carter–"

We take a deep breath. It's not helping this conversation that we're both naked right now. I shake my head. I'm too tired to do this and I doubt that whatever we come up with right now is going to work anyway. But I throw it out there just in case–

"What if we just leave this as is? For now."

She responds harsh, "It's not fair that I have to be the one to keep us in line. I can't do it anymore."

"I'm not sayin' that. I'm suggesting that you come to me when you need to. Just like we have been."

"We've been trying to wait until this is all over and the Earth is no longer threatened by the Goa'uld."

I ask rhetorically, "And how's that workin' out for us?"

"Jack, it's not even just about the sex, it's everything. People can tell I have feelings that I–"

"Ah, ah!" I cut her off, like I do when she's launched into mumbo-jumbo. "Don't say it." If she says it out loud then we can't take it back. "Look, Sam, we have to find a way to buy some time and fly under the radar. Get just enough of each other that we can get by, but not too much that it affects the way we work together, or gets us caught."

Carter looks at me like she's studying me. I'm an equation that she doesn't have the answer too. "It's 3 in the morning," she repeats my earlier observation. "Maybe we should get some sleep, both of us think this through, and talk some other time."

"Thinking is your thing, shooting is mine," I say, while she settles her head down on my chest and I wrap my arms around her. "So you think, and if Barrett makes a pass at you, I'll do the shooting thing."

I know she's grinning even if I can't see it in the dark. She says, only a little annoyed with me, "You're such a caveman."

"And you're no damsel in distress."