So I had to do this.
She arrived at the hospital, she had called her home for all those years and as she walked through the doors, it finally hit her, her life had changed forever. It would never be the same, it would never be the same with out him. Time had stopped as his heart stopped beating the night before. He had promised her a life time, but as fate would have it, that was not a promise he had control of. Everything was different, everything had changed, in a moment, life as she had known it had ceased to exist. She had dropped the kids of at day care because she wanted them to have just a moment of normalcy in a world, that for them, would never be normal again.
"Hey Meredith, I've been trying to call you all morning, your late and Derek has not shown up for his shift, Amelia needs to go home.?" Owen said, surprised to see the agony that plagued her face.
"Derek is dead" Meredith said, the tears she had been trying to hide from her, their, her, children, finally found the whole in the dam and broke free.
"What!" Owen said, shocked surprised, unable to comprehend the words that had slipped through Meredith's mouth, he ushered Meredith into a near by room.
"What happened?" Owen asked, handing Meredith a tissue, Meredith did not take the tissue a tissue was not going to help.
"He died." Meredith said again, her tears coming fast.
"I pulled him off life support and watched the love of my life die, all because the stupid hospital he ended up in was full of idiots who didn't order a brain scan."Meredith said, it was not fair, none of it was fair. Her husband had saved four peoples lives yesterday, and the hundreds before yesterday, but had lost his own in the process of saving others, how was that fair.
"Meredith, I can't, I can't begin to say how sorry I am." Owen said, wrapping his arms around Meredith as she descended into a fit of tears. It wasn't the same, Owens arms, they weren't the same, she'd never feel the same in another person's arms it was not fair. So she moved away nothing would ever be the same.
"I can't I can't breath." Meredith sobbed, even though she could, she just didn't want to, she didn't want to breath in a world that didn't have Derek shepherd in it.
"Slow deep breathes." Meredith heard a voice say but she wasn't sure it was Owen's or the memory of Derek's.
"Does, does Amelia know?" Owen asked.
"No, no one knows." Meredith said, she couldn't bring herself to call Derek's family, she was his family. She was his everything. She needed to spend the last few moments of his life, that was taken way too soon, with him, just with him.
"Zola and Bailey, I couldn't, he was, he had tubes and bandages, he didn't look like their father, I just I couldn't let that be their last memory of their father." Meredith said, it was an agonizing decision, to not let them see him, but she hoped the would one day understand, Bailey would probably not remember the man who loved him so much, and held him first and Zola's memories would fade with time, leaving her with sporadic moments. It was not fair to them and she did not know how to tell them that Daddy, was never coming home again.
"It's okay Meredith." Owen soothed, there were some things a child should not have to see.
"He loved them." Meredith said, because it was all they had left, the love he had for them.
"He loved all of you." Owen said, he did not know what to do for the devastated blonde, crying in front of him, he wished Cristina was still here, but he couldn't let himself think about that. He pulled out his phone and texted Alex to come.
"You need your people, you shouldn't have to go through this alone, we don't want you to go through this alone." Owen said, as his mind turned to Amelia, this was going to kill her.
"Can you tell Amelia." Meredith asked, pleading, she didn't want to see the pain that would wash over Amelia. She couldn't bare to see someone else who loved Derek almost as much as her, fall apart, not when she was still falling, into what seemed like an endless pit. Owen just nodded.
Alex burst into the room, moments later, his face fell when he saw Meredith crying.
"Is she okay?" Alex asked looking at Owen who just shook his head. Meredith was clearly not alright.
"Should we call Derek?" Alex asked, not knowing what he was saying, as Meredith started to sob harder.
"We can't he's dead."She said, looking up at Alex, Owen took the moment to leave the room.
"What?" Alex said, wrapping his arms around Meredith, it felt better than Owen's, but it still wasn't the same it wasn't Derek.
"You shouldn't be here Meredith." Alex said.
"I can't, I don't know where to go, I can't go home, I can't be in the house that he built, where everything is full of him, I can't, it hurts too much." Meredith said.
"It hurts, and all I want to do is talk to Derek and tell him it hurts, I want him, but I can't have him, he's dead." Meredith said, it was jarring, every time she thought of how she felt, since he died, she automatically thought of talking to Derek and then it hit her again, she couldn't. It was like her mind had not caught up yet, these reflexes were to ingrained to disappear like Derek had.
"He was my person." Meredith said, regretting that she had never told him.
"He knew Meredith, he knew." Alex said.
"I just, we had plans and now what, I have to make funeral plans, how am I suppose to do this Alex, how am I suppose to bury the love of my life, the father of my children?" Meredith asked, like she wanted to know, that if Alex had even a shred of an answer it would be enough, but he didn't.
"I don't know." He said a tear falling down his face, Derek wasn't just Meredith's husband to him, he was the guy who had taught him so many lessons, who had driven him to work, who had sat on the couch in his house that used to be Meredith's, and had beer with him.
"I can't do this, I don't think I can do this." Meredith said, expressing her deepest concern. How was she suppose to go on. How was she suppose to exist in a world that no longer included the man she loved. How was she suppose to look her children in the eyes and tell them Daddy died. How was she suppose to raise them, alone. How was she going to tell Derek's Mom, that her own son faced an equally tragic fate as her own husband. How was she suppose to do anything with out him in her life.
She thought about all the things they were going to do. How she finally got him back and now she had lost him forever. She thought of all the more that in an instant had become less and then none. She thought about all the things he would miss, braiding Zola's hair for the first day of school or intimidate Zola's first boyfriend. He would never teach Bailey to ride a bike, or how to shave and he would never get to take Bailey fishing. He would never get buy Zola the car. He would never get to do so many things and she would never get to be held by him again, or hear his voice. She would never get to argue with him, or have raunchy make up sex again. She would never get to feel his breath on her neck, as he leaned in to kiss her, softly, tenderly and lovingly. She would never get to wake up to his morning breath, or feel the graze of his stubble against her cheek. She would never get to feel his hands caress her body. She would never get to grow old with him, to retire with him. He did not get to grow old senile or smelly, or to die at 110 years old in her arms. He would never get to do anything, and she would never get over it, she thought, she would never love again.
"Meredith, it's going to suck, and be terrible and unbearable." Alex said, he was not about to lie to Meredith and tell her it would all be okay, because it would not, it could not.
"That's suppose to make me feel better, because it doesn't it makes this all worse." Meredith said, she wanted to go back to yesterday, morning when everything was fine and not let Derek leave, but she couldn't.
"Meredith, it will be impossibly hard, but you are a strong woman and I know you will find a day when it won't hurt as much as today, when you can breathe with out feeling this pain." Alex said, it was the truth.
Meredith's phone began to buzz, she didn't even look at the screen, she assumed Owen had started to tell people. She couldn't look, she just switched it off. She needed a moment, a moment to process. She just let her mind wonder into itself.
Amelia had just finished a surgery, and was walking out of the operating room, when she saw Owen walking towards her, his face was haunted.
"What's wrong?" Amelia asked, she assumed it was to do with the memories the yesterday's incident had pushed to the front of his mind. Owen just stared at her.
"Amelia we need to talk." Owen said simply. He did not want to do this, be the one to destroy the woman he had feelings for's life.
"Owen, we talked yesterday, you don't want to be with me, I can deal, if you want to be useful go find Derek, I want to go home" Amelia said, walking away irate.
"Amelia," Owen, said, grabbing her arm as she spun around and looked at him, really looked at him for the first time and realized something was very wrong.
"What happened?" She asked her voice soft but trembling with fear, what was he going to say.
"I think we should go somewhere private." Owen said, he didn't want to do this in the halls, with everyone walking past like it was just any other day, because for Amelia today would not be just any other day, it would be the day she discovered her brother had died, it would be the day her world changed again.
"What happened?" Amelia asked louder this time, her voice wavering, the tears starting to well, she could tell this was not good.
"Amelia." Owen tried to sooth.
"What happened." She yelled, as everyone around her, froze, staring at the speculate that hadn't even started to unravel.
"There's been an accident." Owen said quietly.
"What kind of accident." Amelia said, accidents were a common point of play for surgeon, but this accident did not sound like just any old accident.
"Something happened," Owen paused, this was it.
"Derek, was injured." Owen said, as the tears began to come fast and furiously.
"I'm so sorry, Amelia, Derek didn't make it, he died." Owen said as Amelia let out a high pitched wail, that seemed to echo through out the hospital. She started slamming her fists into Owen's chest, as she sobbed, the pain quickly became unbearable. This simply was not fair. Owen wrapped his arms around, the woman he loved, and moved her into the scrub room. The hospital did not need to see one of the worst moments in her life. They did not need to see this, her world crumple around her.
She sobbed into his chest, why was this her life, why did every man she loved die. She needed to escape, escape the pain, dampen her sorrows, mute the pain. She needed something, she need it.
"I can't do this." Amelia said, "I can't, you were right to not want me I am poison."
"You're not poison." Owen said, it was not much, it could not take away the emotions that rippled through her body, he could not make the profound loss, any less, but he could tell her she was not poison, it was not her fault.
"Does, does Meredith know." Amelia sobbed, wiping her tears on the back of her hand.
"She was with him, when he, when he went." Owen said.
"Omigod." Amelia said, she cursed herself for what she had said to Meredith the day before. Meredith had now stood over the person she loved most in the world's dead body, she had lost the thing that mattered most. She knew how it felt.
"Where's Meredith?" Amelia asked, looking at Owen, she needed Meredith she needed to see Meredith.
"She's at the hospital, with Alex, the kids are in daycare, she hasn't told them yet." Owen said, a tear stinging his eye, he felt for Zola and Bailey, it was their father and that loss, was harder to take than most losses.
"I want to see her." Amelia said and Owen nodded.
As Owen opened the door to the conference room, he saw Meredith, sitting on a chair, her legs folded underneath her, her face stained by tears. Amelia just looked at her, the pain inside her grew larger it became real. Derek was gone.
"I'm so sorry Amelia." Meredith's now hoarse voice said.
Amelia, just stared at Meredith, none of this was Meredith's fault, she did not need to be sorry.
"He had, a truck hit him, he saved four freaking people from a car crash and then when he was leaving a truck hit him. They all lived and he died, he died, but he didn't die, they saved his body, he was brain dead and the irony, the slap in the face, cruel life irony is that if had of operated on a person with his injuries, he would have lived." Meredith said, as her tear ducts stung, they were out of tears, but she had not finished crying, she did not think she ever would.
"I can't he was the love of my life. He promised me forever, he said he was going to spend the rest of his life with me." Meredith said, as Amelia sat down next to her, and held her hand.
This was the worst break up ever and it was only just the beginning.
I had to write this before I could write anything else.
RIP Derek Shepherd