I watched her. Her thick raven hair blew against the wind as she tried unsuccessfully to tuck the unruly waves behind her ear only for the wind to mock her, untucking the dark locks like spilt ink swirling about in a dance painting the air around her. I could almost feel the thick waves of her hair through my fingers as memories floated through my mind of the many nights my hands would tangle in them, pull them or simply brush them after a long shared shower. I lost my natural instinct to breathe when a smile spread across her face, baring all teeth, a smile that could knock anyone off their track and never ceased to leave me momentarily transfixed. A pang in my stomach when I noticed the smile aimed at her wife of a year and a half who caught her hand before pressing her lips against the glorious lips that had pressed against mine so many times before. My eyes diverted to the smiling blond when I noticed her bend down to scoop up a raven haired toddler with curls that matched her mother's and settled her upon her hip. She was so much bigger than the last time I saw her and she carried a floppy eared stuffed rabbit I had given her while she slept sweetly in her crib. I smiled. She'd be twenty-one, no, twenty-two months old tomorrow.
Twenty-two months.
That's how long I had been away from Seattle. As my eyes turned back to the older brunette, settled with a family she had longed for, I realized that twenty-two months hadn't been long enough. Regret filled me, twisting my insides until it morphed into sorrow. I wondered if she thought about me, if she ever laughed out loud after recalling a joke shared only between us. I wondered if there were ever moments when she would lay in bed with her fingers pressed against her pillowy lips with memories of mine in their place, if she ever lied about the faint scar below her right shoulder blade, a sex injury during a weeklong marathon of unabashed passion that made her cry out while still wrapping her thighs tighter around me.
Common sense told me to back up and walk in the other direction but my feet remained planted and my eyes glued. People walked around me as I stood on the sidewalk across the street from them, watching her. The sound of blood pumping raced to my ears when the stuffed bunny fell from the child's hands after an older couple stopped the trio to marvel at her beauty and her mother kneeled to pick it up, her eyes meeting mine as she stood. I felt time still. Her mouth hung slightly ajar, eyes unblinking as if seeing a ghost one thought was finally gone. I could tell that her mouth had gone dry at just the sight of me. The older couple continued on their way and the blond reached for the bunny, her eyes searching for what had distracted her wife before they too fell on me, the dimples once deep in her cheeks becoming shallow.
I should have turned away then but there she stood, a street the only thing separating us instead of an entire country. Arizona tore her eyes from me and turned them to Callie who hadn't moved, looking back and forth for a sign, the next move. She looked at Sofia, placing a kiss against her cheek as she readjusted her on her hip and then waved. I don't remember the journey to cross the street, I'm pretty sure I was almost hit by a car, but there I stood, my eyes fixed on hers. It took several seconds before I realized the blond was speaking to me and I blinked before turning my eyes to her and the squirming infant that hugged tight to the stuffed, floppy eared rabbit.
"Have you been back long?" Arizona asked, hiking Sofia higher upon her hip.
"About an hour."
There was worry in her blue eyes that she tried to mask with a nod and nuzzled her noise against the cheek of the curious toddler whose eyes matched hers, or mine I suppose.
"Derek and Meredith's anniversary. They don't know I'm here. I wanted to surprise them," I explained inwardly marveling at the little girl. "How are you?"
The question was directed at Callie but her face was cold as she finally turned her chocolate eyes from me and reached out for Sofia who immediately climbed into her arms. Their resemblance was remarkable, everything but the eyes. I had always been curious. The only time I saw her, she was sleeping and I dared not ask about her from friends at the hospital.
"We're good." Arizona answered for Callie. "We were on our way home to make some dinner."
"Tacos!" Sofia's voice rang out beautifully and she grinned with excitement. That was mine grin. I wondered if that ever got her in trouble. I smiled brightly at her.
"Tacos? Sounds yummy!"
"Yeah," Callie's finally spoke, eyes on Sofia, "we should go." She reached her hand out to Arizona to tap her fingers gently against her forearm, her signal to get going. Arizona nodded nervously, forcing a tight smile. She stopped mid turn and glanced back at me.
"Did you want to join us?"
I swallowed against a lump, my palms becoming clammy. Callie mouth dipped downward and her eyes bore into mine with a slight subtle shake of her head. That was my answer.
"No, thank you. I've already eaten. Enjoy your dinner."
Arizona smiled, relieved. They turned back and I watched as the walked away, Sofia's small arms wrapped about Callie's neck with her stuffed rabbit between them. I continued to stand there hoping maybe she'd turn back again, offer a smile maybe. She didn't. But still I stood there until they were out of sight. I looked up at the sky fearing it was beginning to rain only to realize the wetness on my cheek came from me.
3am
I couldn't sleep. I got back to my hotel room around 2am after a night of hard celebration with old friends. Scotch still lingered in the back of my throat. It had been a good time but the whole night was spent thinking of Callie, of how perfect she'd remained after all these months, and of how closed off she was to me. There was blame in her eyes mixed with disappointment. The smile that had always greeted me before was replaced with steely aloofness. I would have preferred a kick to the stomach.
I lay in bed gazing at the single picture I owned of Sofia as a newborn. Time had passed quickly and she looked up at me as a stranger I had become. That was for the best though. I could tell she was a happy little girl and well behaved to boot. But I couldn't help but wish I had been there to witness her growth or that I had simply stayed long enough to witness her open her eyes.
My thoughts were cut off by a rapid knock on the door. I didn't think to reach for my robe to cover myself, only clad in black Calvin Kline briefs I bounded out of bed and toward the door. There she stood in dark jeans and a red loose fitting shirt. Red had always been her color. She looked in them all, but red made her just a little bit bolder. She blinked several times before sucking in her bottom lip and releasing it.
"Can I come in?" Callie's voice shook against her wishes. She lowered her head, swallowing before looking back up at me. I stepped back to oblige her.
She didn't talk for several minutes but I didn't care. I just liked having her here even though the tenseness of her shoulders as she paced told me nothing good would come of her visit. I soaked her in. Her hair had grown longer, the length it had been that one Thanksgiving, spilling past her breasts and lower back. She was thinner, but not much, still retaining those famous curves that easily drove me crazy. Her lips were void of lipstick and her face of makeup, yet she looked radiantly breathtaking.
"You can't be here." Her words startled me. I had been staring so intently.
"What?" I blinked.
Anger registered on her face as she approached me. "You have no right!"
I swallowed at her accusation. "Cal -"
"None!" she emphasized. "Do you understand me? You have no right."
I was silent, trying to read past the wall she put up. She backed away from me with a flinch, her fingers running roughly through her hair. I wanted to touch her hair.
"Callie I -"
"I don't want excuses." Her voice was smaller as she sat on the edge of the bed.
"I won't offer any."
Her glassy eyes met mine.
"I'm gone day after tomorrow."
My words only seemed to agitate her more. I couldn't tell what else she wanted. She had been so happy when I watched her from across the street, but now she only looked burdened. She sat with her hands clasped together between her knees. She nodded with a twitch to her lips.
"I didn't think I could make it without you, but I did. I'm doing just fine, Mark."
Hearing my name upon her lips made me smile.
"I'm glad. I always wanted you to be happy."
She stood, composing herself.
"And you always get what you want, don't you?"
The smile fell from my lips as I watched her cross over the hotel room toward the door. with a purpose. The entire time she had been there, my feet hadn't moved but something finally allowed me control over my body again. My hand pressed against the door as I hovered behind her, keeping her from opening it.
"What does that mean?"
She glanced over her shoulder back up at me with a wry grin on her face before turning her face away again.
"Nothing."
She tried to open the door but I held it shut. I deserved an answer. She was accusing me of something and it was making my stomach churn.
"Mark!"
"No! What did that mean?"
Silence. I could hear her trying to breathe evenly, sucking in air between her teeth. I could smell the lavender scent of her shampoo and my nose lowered, my breath against the back of her neck.
"Are you happy, Callie?"
She twirled around nearly hitting me. Anger rose again as her mouth twisted in spite.
"Who the fuck are you to come back after two years and ask me if I'm happy? That's none of your fucking business."
Her eyes betrayed her words, giving away her slight discontentment. She turned back to try the door once again, but I pressed against her unable to keep my hands at their sides any longer. My fingers ran up the length of her arms as my nose nestled in the curve of her shoulder.
"I'm sorry." It was a blanket apology to cover all the wrong she felt I had done her. "I'm sorry."
She turned so that her back was pressed against the door, her lips trembling as she looked at me through welling eyes. She shrugged her shoulders while biting the inside of her cheek as if she were bracing herself.
"You just left. You left and I made the most of it. My life continued."
My head lowered so that our foreheads nearly touched, my voice no more than a whisper. "I never wanted it to stop."
Her lips pressed against mine, all tension leaving her body as her arms circled around my neck. I parted my lips to widen the kiss committing to memory the taste of her. She broke the kiss, leaning back to look in my eyes. I watched a single tear slide down her cheek and my thumb rubbed it away before twisting in her hair.
"You didn't have to leave."
"Yes, I did."
I watched as a million thoughts ran through her mind and her eyes lowered and her brows furrowed. I remained silent. I couldn't tell her that it would have killed me to stay and watch her be with someone else, be married to someone else. I couldn't tell her that I should have been her family, that I would have made her happy. I couldn't say that my plan was just to search and find someone like her and return to live out some kind of warped modern family. I couldn't say that I failed, that there was no one like her, that all the women fell well below the standard she had set and so I had stayed away missing her and wondering if she had been missing me too.
My fingers continued to tangle in her dark curls. Those brown eyes raised to meet mine again and I knew she was reading my every thought. Her fingers danced over my lips and then grazed the rough stubbles of my facial hair. Her fingers moved slowly. She was committing me to memory too. She had missed me too.
Her shirt was thrown off without care, her tongue wrestling with mine as we stumbled toward the bed. Her skin was warm to my touch, her body molding to mine as my hands caressed her lower back before dipping to cup her firm ass through her jeans. She moaned against my mouth and I hardened against her thigh. We fell to the bed with her on top, her hair falling across my chest, teasing me. I felt her hand caress the length of my erection through my briefs forcing my hips to buck under her touch. Her lips spread into a smile as we kissed, she loved how she was so easily able to torture me but I absorbed everything, reveling in the sensation that was Callie Torres.
My hands disposed of her bra with ease. I broke our kiss to scoot lower beneath her, cupping a heavy breast before taking in a hardened nipple. She arched her back with a moan, her hands on either side of me to keep her balanced. She tasted sweeter than I remembered and I shivered under her, sucking each breast with greedy leisure. She smiled deviously down at me before lowering herself to grind against me. I grunted as volts travelled through me. I rolled us so that I was on top. My mouth captured hers as my hands fought to undo the buttons of her jeans. I sat up to stand at the edge of the bed, tugging her with me before pulling at the cuffs of her jeans to slide them off. My fingertips grazed over her long, perfect tan legs, drawing circles behind her knee before traveling to her inner thigh.
She smiled at me, that warm smile that used to greet me everyday, that smile that made my toes curl reflexively. I felt over her mound reveling in how wet she was for me. I took my time in removing the black lace panties, dragging them slowly over her endless legs and well pedicured toes. She sat up, reaching for me after my briefs were discarded. Her nails raked over chest, her fingers playing with my nipples before moving down over my well toned torso. She trailed kisses, licking at her pleasure as her hands continued their work before finding me, stroking me with gentle ease, her thumb playing along its tip. I wondered if she knew she was killing me.
I lowered her back against the bed, my two middle fingers circling her clit as she groaned into my mouth. I hovered above her letting my fingers pleasure her as I watched every muscle twitch in her face. She sucked her bottom lip in, biting down when they entered her and the heat of her core poured over me. Her hands circled my neck and pulled me down to her, her body humming as we kissed. I pumped my fingers faster and felt her hips raise off the bed to meet each thrust. Her head dug into the pillow, breaking our kiss.
"I wanna come with you," she whispered with labored breath. "I wanna come with you, Mark."
My eyes met hers. She trembled beneath me, her nails digging into my arm. The double speak wasn't lost on me. She wanted to come with me.
"Please."
My fingers withdrew from her going to the back of her knees to cup her leg over my hip, careful to put my weight on my other arm. I entered her, inch by inch, my breath hitching in pleasure. We moaned together, panting in our own melody. I pulled out and thrust back in, my mouth sucking on her beautiful clavicle before moving to her neck. Thrust. Her other leg wrapped around my waist, her hands gripping my back, nails breaking skin. Thrust. I cried out and bit at her neck before licking along her jaw. Thrust. Our mouths met again, barely hushing our cries of pleasure. My pace increased as I dipped into her hard and fast, her hips moving in step with mine in perfect rhythm. She caught my lip between her teeth, sucking as my hands gripped her ass to deeper. And deeper. Her hips bucked all their own, meeting me thrust for thrust the pace increasing still more. I felt her walls clench as she began to shudder. My nose buried in the crook of her neck as I continued my thrusts, my toes curling against the mattress. Thrust. She cried out as she came, gripping my shoulder as she arched, shaking beneath me. I came seconds later, falling to her side.
It took us a while to catch our breaths, my hands drawing lazy circles over her firm breasts as her drew trails up and down my arms. I looked at her but she refused to meet my gaze.
"You wouldn't come though, would you?" I asked with the answer already known.
She swallowed before shaking her head. She turned on her side, cupping my face in her hand.
"Sofia has your eyes. We tell her that she gets them from Arizona and most of the time I pretend that's true. But then she has this grin especially when she's about to do something naughty that reminds me all over again that she's half you and then I miss you."
Her hand dropped from my face, turning to edge off the side of the bed.
"If it were just me," she continued, shaking into her jeans. "It's not just me. And you can't be here."
"Are you happy?" I repeated my earlier question still in bed, watching as she moved about gathering this and that.
"Mark."
"Are you?"
She stopped, turning back toward me. She neared the bed, sitting beside me, a loose smile gracing her face. She leaned down kissing me before leaning back, her lip between her teeth.
"Sometimes," she answered before standing up again, her hand lingering on my arm. "Sometimes."
Sometimes wasn't enough. I never should have left or maybe I shouldn't have come back.
"It hurts, missing you." I said it with no intention or burdening her. It was simply the truth, the only thing I had to give her.
"Like I said, you didn't have to leave."
Those were her last words to me before she turned away from me. I watched her go, a sullen ache returning to the pit of my stomach. I'd keep looking knowing there would never be another her and always with the memory of her raven locks between my fingers.