I tried so hard, thought I could do this on my own.
I've lost so much along the way.

sorry for bad grammar and typos :) read and review and enjoy.:)

When you wake up one day, realize everything is gone, where do you look first, what do you do first?

Get up, go into the kitchen, make yourself one hot cup of coffee, and sit and stare out of the window? Is that something only I do?

Watching the clear blues sky as the hot cup seems to melt my hand that's wrapped around it, the uselessness I feel gets bigger and bigger, and I feel it could might as well swallow me as a whole.

My eyes drift on my hands as regret fills me. and I think. wait. where my gods, where did i do wrong? What did I do wrong? Why did I do it?

I know i'm hard on myself and the judgment I sentence myself to is harsher than anyone would ever consider, but still. I lost him. My best friend. One of them. The three of us were inseparable and still, he could break away.

My first thought is, he never really cared, but really..no. He had to.

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I want to believe that he was true to us right to the very end. As to our last meeting together sealed the end of everything. It wasn't a new start as I hoped it would be. it was the end of it all.

I know the war has ended. Between me and myself, between me and the rest of the world. I know he chose to turn his back. And i can't deal with the thought. I can't.

I throw my cup against the wall in anger and despair, tears leaving my tired eyes. I won the war, but I lost the fight that meant the world to me. There was nothing fair in that.

I get up get dressed and put that usual mask on. No. This day won't be the one either. This day won't be the one to let go of him and the guilt I feel over losing him either.

Years have passed but my morning routine is the same. I'm nineteen now, made it to where I wished to make it out of my own free will, but all joy over it has diminished.

It was I was missing my half. She no longer meant the world to me, he did. He always had and when I woke up this morning I knew something big was up. But I did my usual, brushed my teeth, combed my bright blonde hair, as I usually did, washed my face that had lost it's shine from all those years before, as if the life I had was draining out as each and every single minute passed me by, slowly but steadily.

I went to the tower. She was crying she hugged me and said ' I'm so sorry. So-so sorry ' and i knew what it meant. he had died after all. and I never had my chance to see him again, not one more time.

I ran, rand as fast as the tears streamed down my whiskered cheeks, ran as far and as fast as I could, away from him, through the village, away from her, away from my friends away from everything. I wanted to run out of the world because the pain was unbearable. But I stopped dead in my tracks as I saw the Uchiha crest hang lowly, as if knowing that the last remainder of the former flourishing Uchiha clan, the last petal on that precious flower has fallen as well.

I stopped knowing I had to enter. I had to face, whatever demons he had to face, in his sleep, in his mind, in his every breath that reminded him of the sacrifices his beloved brother had made for him.

I entered the compound, the house in which the blood marks had made their way into the floral designs of the walls, the wooden floor, had welcomed the tears of the mother one last time, and had suck up their blood as they're lifeless bodies lay there.

I had to close my eyes, because it was too hard to bare. I brought my fisted hands up to me temples hitting them hard, keeping them there, shutting out every secret the house seemed to be whispering to me, the sole living creature in a sea of dead. I slid down the wall, tears never seaming to leave me for more than five minutes and my heart felt like it was about to burst. i wanted to scream, call out to him, tell him I loved him and that I needed him back.

I wanted to tell him that i'd die for him, that if he'd only come back i'd make him the happiest man on earth. I wanted to tell him that he would never be alone, that he would never have to remember, that i'd run away with him, anything. I would have told him anything he wanted to hear, just to have him back again.

I made no sound as the lump in my throat was to huge and hard to overcome. I bit my lip to prevent the sobs from even daring to escape.

This was it. The pain he always felt and I thought I had understood him all along. I never did. I wasn't even close.

I got up and wandered through the house. The rooms were big and empty, they smelled of antique books and scrolls and aged blood that became a permanent reminder of the massacre. That bloody, fucked-up, disastrous massacre. The start of every wrong turn in his life. In our life together.

A certain room caught my attention. It was a light lily shade and despite the haunted nothingness and loneliness that lingered in the mansion, it still smelled faintly of perfume. His mothers' room, I presumed.

I went in looked around and sat on the bed, dust flying up up high as I flopped onto the neatly made sheets. I jsut sat there for a few moments letting the ache overcome my senses again, up to the point that I felt chills running down my spine.

How will I deal with this? Will this be the end of me too? How will his memory carry on? How will I be able to carry his soul around?

I shaked the thoughts out. I would deal with them later on. Instead I opened the drawer only to reveal a huge black family album.

I took it with shaky hands and started flipping through the pages. The pictures of him and is brother, the pictures of him and his mother, of their father, their other relatives, cousins, i presumed.

Then there was one picture that had something written on it with neat, beautifully tilted handwriting. On the picture there was Sasuke, holding a small frog in his hands, grinning, like I had never seen or even dreamed about it. He looked so adorable, my heart clenched even tighter and sob escaped unwillingly.

Next to the picture it said:''What we know is not much. What we don't know is enormous.''

and my eyes widened, as it slowly sunk in.. His world was so small at the time, his smile was so pure, and if I looked close enough, I could see the world in his eyes.

I took that picture and embedded that quote in my heart and ran. Ran to the place where it had always ended for the two of us and where it would come to an end one final time.

And I stopped panting, dead in my tracks, despair overcoming me again. What I knew was not much. I knew he died, I knew he suffered, what I did not know was how much he suffered.

But there was one thought that occured, he knew that I always thought about him and never gave up on him, what he did not know that I loved him more than I could ever have possibly put into words or even showed him.

I looked at the picture one more time. His smile was the medicine for my broken heart, the thought that he had once known how to smile, that he knew what joy was, and that he'd set his dreams high like I did.

I stared at the sky and I hear him whispering with the wind..

'Kono.. Usuratonkachi' and I relived all those moments up until the very last meeting and I remembered what he said.I was shouting at him telling him how he couldn't do this how i would not let him turn his back on us, on me this time as well.

' it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.'

I never really gave those words meaning because I was so sure i'd save him.. but thinking back now I know what he meant. He meant let go, close your eyes and remember the good times. What's done is done, it was over for us, but our memories of each other would linger around forever.

As if he knew it would be the last time seeing him, he told me subtly, hat he wanted me to move on, to achieve my dreams and told me to let go, because it was a fight, not worth winning, a price not worth paying. He never found reason in his own life and entrusted me to find enough for both of us.

Drawing one last, deep breath I opened my eyes, which I had closed. A hawk tore through the sky and I knew Sasuke was with me. in my dreams I would always see him sore above the sky, and in my heart there would always be a place for him, for all my life. I would keep a part of him with me and everywhere i'd go there he'd be sharing the glory, the pain, the happiness, everything i felt.

As I turned to leave I smiled remembering one more thing he said- he would always be with me. always, for only his body emerged below, only that had disappeared under the earth, but the essence of his being would always remain among us.