-1Caringosity

High above Robotropolis in the smog, Snively finished programming the HoverUnit autopilot and moved to the back cabin, juggling five clipboards and sitting down on the fold-out leather seats. Robotnik shivered, angrily wrapping his red cape around his shoulders. "Fuck, it's cold. It's so fucking cold. Why is it so cold, Snively?" Before Snively could respond, Robotnik found the problem - an open window directly to his left. He pressed the button to roll it down, but nothing happened. "What's going on with the window?"

"An electrical short most likely, sir."

"Did you earn your masters at Stating the Obvious University? I know there's an electrical short, Snively. My question was pertaining to the existence of said electrical short via the malfunctioning window. Meaning, why hasn't it been fixed yet? Why am I sitting here freezing my metal parts off while you tie your dick into curly fries like the kind at the In 'n' Out Burger? And so on."

"Those are some good burgers, sir-"

"Shut the fuck up, Snively, and do me the courtesy of telling me why you've dragged me up to the icy portion of my own personal hell."

"Which, sir?"

"Which what, Snively?"

"That is, should I, er, commence shutting my fuck or should I inform you why I've dragged you up to your own personal hell?" Snively gulped in a deep breath. "Also, I don't believe In 'n' Out Burger serves curly fries, so… yeah."

Robotnik stood and quietly - quite efficiently, really - wedged Snively's body into the window frame. Robotnik let him hang there, sitting back down. "So goddamn cold."

"Okay…" Hanging there, Snively still had the ability to reference his clipboards. "A SWATbot recently found several listening devices in and around the hub, the most we've ever found. The rebels are getting better at bugging us, sir."

"You're getting better at bugging me, Snively.

"Um, therefore, I thought it prudent to fly on a series of random courses programmed by an independent, closed-circuit database in this HoverUnit."

"This HoverUnit. The only one with a broken window." Robotnik wagged his head back and forth. "I don't know why I keep you around. Sure, the feeling of superiority is nice, but who is to say I wouldn't feel that without your incompetence proving your existence. Random courses… Are you certain that is entirely safe?"

"It should be, sir. Also, we are bug sweeping every seventeen seconds, all in the interest of complete and utter privacy."

"What's the fucking point, with information this important," Robotnik lamented. "I need the Freedom Fighters dead, Snively. I need them dead like I need to take a shit every morning."

"Gross," Snively cringed.

"Yet killing them isn't as easy, is it? Not in our current state of impotence."

"Impotence, sir?"

"Genius limp-dickery, Snively, I was trying to spare your fragile ears, but now that you've ruined that like you've ruined everything else in my life…" Robotnik trailed off and sighed, becoming more despondent, leaning elbow-first into Snively's stomach. "How is it that we can cover furry things in metal but can't roll up a simple windo-" Suddenly, an idea struck him like the HoverUnit was going to strike a smoke stack in thirty seconds. "Snively! Which of our factories is producing at lowest capacity?"

"Well-"

"Shut it down. Immediately."

"Shut it down? But why?"

"You shall see, my young nephew, you shall see… BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHA."

Robotnik's laughter filled the HoverUnit all the way to the impact point, at which point it turned into various types of screams and cries of pain.

In Knothole, quite a different scene was playing; birds were singing, the sun was shining, the trees were a-greenin - things were as boring as ever. Well-aware of this, Sonic the Hedgehog leaned against his favorite tree, attempting the longest dream possible of a better life.

His doomed quest was interrupted by the voices of Rotor and Antoine, approaching from the east.

"Head switching? With science? Tell me how that deserves a full-length feature. Go ahead and tell me."

"I cannot, Rotor. Ze end shot was good, zough."

"Them on a boat waving to something? Sure, I guess. It belonged in a better movie. The movie. The one with the apocalypse."

"Zere 'ad to have been zome good moments…"

Rotor thought for a moment. "When Agent Skinner randomly showed up."

"Iz too bad he did not do more."

"They hugged."

"Yes, ze hug was nice indeed."

"As were the other moments of shameless fan service, of which there were many. Outside of those?"

Antoine shrugged. "At least ze Mulder still was not afraid of ze fire."

Sonic threw his hands up in exasperation. "Okay, do you two really have to do this here? There are plenty of other places in this fucking village to talk about this bullshit." Sonic re-closed his eyes. "Also, you should never fuck with canon, even if the canon is retarded."

"By zat logic, we are counting Ze Lone Gunmen."

"Bullshit. Spinoff rules don't apply."

"What about crossover rules? Frank Black?"

"The musician?" Tails asked, flying in front the forest, covered in dirt and twigs.

"The slightly psychic detective extraordinaire, dumbass." Sonic double-taked on Tails' filthy appearance. "Whoa! What the shit happened to you? Get into a fight with decency and common sense? Let me guess who won…"

Undeterred, Rotor continued his discussion with Antoine. "The episode in the seventh season wrapped the series up."

"Abruptly and in ze most unsatisfying manner. Was it not zeazon two ending with a mega-virus, covering ze planet?"

"I'm sure it ties into eyeless zombie things somehow."

"Jose Chung appears in both series, doesn't he, shug?" Bunnie asked, joining the ever-growing group.

"Must everyone coalesce like a deadly viral strain WHILE I'M TRYING TO FUCKING NAP?" Sonic scream-yelled. "I can't catch a break. All I want to do is sleep, is that so much to ask? Sleep forever."

"Like the war veteran in Kryceck's first episode?" Rotor quipped.

"He didn't sleep, mate," Knuckles said, gliding down from above. "Get yer facts straight."

"Fuck, not you too…"

"Aw, what's buggin you, shug?" Bunnie asked, voice full of concern that sounded genuine.

"It just worries me that all of us know so much about the X-Files. I only join this discussion because it seems that I am not meant to forget I know all of you today. What's your excuse?"

"Stallin, I s'pose," Knuckles said.

"Stalin? Is that more slang? Slang for COMMIES?"

"No, we're literally stalling," Rotor explained. "Sally called another meeting."

"Of course she did," Sonic grunted. "How could I forget?"

"Amnesia in Mexico?" Knuckles asked.

"Random thoughts in a shared subconscious while being digested by a fungus?" Rotor asked next.

"Memory erasure resulting from a complex and convoluted government cover-up?" Bunnie asked third.

"Side effect of ze head switching?" Antoine put in.

"You fuckers never cease to make my wrists itch for a straight razor." Sonic waved them off, leaning away from the tree. "Get to the fucking meeting, I'll be there in a red hot minute."

Sonic watched most them go and massaged a headache from his skull. Tails stood in silence for a moment, then said quietly, "I liked it better when we talked about buttfucking."

"Me too, Tails," Sonic nodded in agreement, depressed by that.