Alternative title: how Levi met Hange
It all starts when Levi finds a stranger hanging from the railing of his balcony.
But before we delve into that, let's start with a bit of context.
Levi, 21, is a physic student with insomnia. He still sometimes wonders why he went into physic because it regularly makes him want to slam his head into the wall, but mostly, he likes it.
His best friend, and roommate, is Eren. They've known each other for almost all their lives. Because Eren is a very tactile person and Levi only lets those he trusts touch him, a lot of people think they're going out.
For your information, they are not. They've known each other for so long it would be just plain weird. Eren was a lot of things (like his first kiss but they don't talk about that), and still is many important things in Levi's life, but not his boyfriend. Just the idea of it makes him gag.
And Eren is going out with someone, anyway.
His name is Jean. Levi didn't like him at first, when Eren brought him to introduce them. He was cocky, arrogant and his overconfidence was so obviously fake, Levi had been ready to shove a loaf of bread in his mouth and get the fuck out of the restaurant. He hadn't, in the end, because Eren was his best friend, and he had promised to play nice.
Later on, he learns that Jean is actually an awkward loser mess with self-confidence issues and completely and utterly head over heels for Eren.
So, yeah, they've been going out for a year and a half now, and they act like a gross married couple. They're disgustingly cute and Levi hates them.
In the people that Levi considers worth mentioning (read: important), there is Erwin. Erwin is pretty much his dad-friend figure. He goes to him when he needs peace and quiet or advice. He loves Eren, really (and don't go repeating that to him or you will regret ever being alive once), but the idiot is reckless and doesn't think before he acts. Hence, Erwin.
He may also speak about Mike. Mike is... something. He hangs out with Erwin, sniffs people, sometimes snorts or laughs but that's pretty much all. Is he a teacher, is he a student, is he the ghost of the university? No one knows. And all three are equally possible.
He should also cite Armin and Mikasa as recurrent characters in his life, being Eren's closest friends (without counting himself). Mikasa is a quiet girl with piercing black eyes. Armin, on the contrary, is a cute boy with blond hair, clear blue eyes and an easy smile. But don't be fooled, this guy is evil. He just hides it well.
And finally there's Petra. Petra is his go-to person when he needs to bitch about someone or spend a few hours doing nothing but rate actors' hotness. Petra's straight, Levi doesn't give a fuck, but when it comes to making sexiness scales, sexuality counts for nothing, anyway. So, yeah. Not being attracted doesn't mean being blind.
Now that presentations have been done, we can finally move to what interests you, reader: the actual story.
Levi enters the apartment with a groan, feeling exhausted. Formulas about gravity vectors, integrals and equations are flying around in his vision instead of stars. He wants to collapse on his bed and never wake up.
He finds Jean and Eren slouched on the couch and tangled in each other like the gross couple they are. Eren smiles at him until he realizes his state and grimaces.
"Bad day?"
"Do we still have ice cream?" He asks as an answer.
Eren solemnly nods, understanding the gravity of the situation. (He groans mentally. Why do ridiculous mental puns only happen to him?)
"I bought your favorite the other day. Nougat and caramel."
"Oh, thank God," Levi moans, rushing to their kitchen.
"You're welcome, my dear grumpy child!" He hears Eren call after him.
He rolls his eyes.
It isn't hard to find the big bucket of ice cream in the freezer. He could almost kiss Eren in this moment, but thinking about where his mouth surely has been (read: Jean) is enough to qualm his ideas of rather affectionate thanks.
He flops on the ground, his back to the couch, a soup spoon in his hand.
"What are you watching?"
Eren shrugs. "I don't even know," he admits. "Another modernization of Sherlock. This one's not as good as the BBC series, though."
"It's called Elementary," Jean informs them. "John Watson is a girl in this one. Called Joan Watson."
"Oh yeah! She's played by Lucy Liu!" Eren exclaims.
"How do you even know her name?" Jean wonders.
Eren gasps. Levi doesn't even have to turn around to know which face he is making. "How can you not know? She played in, like, so many things! And she is also a voice actress! She's in Kung-Fu Panda."
"Also, she's hot." Levi adds.
"True." Eren concurs.
Jean sighs. "You both are so weird." He declares. "Natalie Dormer plays in it, too. She's hotter."
He turns around, staring at Jean. "No. Definitely not." Eren furiously nods.
Jean gapes at them. Then, he raises his hands in defeat. "I don't even want to argue with you about that. I give up."
Levi and Eren high five.
He already feels better than when he came home.
He opens his eyes some time during the night, and he knows he's not going back to sleep.
He turns around a bit, just in the hope that he was wrong, but nothing works. He is wide awake. He sighs. Another night of crying over assignments because he can't sleep and he feels bad when he isn't working.
Seriously, insomnia sucks ass. And that's an understatement.
He leaves the comfort of his bed. He walks to the kitchen and serves himself a glass of water. He entertains the idea of making tea for a few seconds, but one, the electric kettle is loud as hell, and second, it would kill any possibility of him going back to sleep in the very near future.
He decides he's going to make good use of their balcony instead. He grabs his pack of cigarettes on the table. He looks for a lighter, but he promptly gives up, exasperated and just takes the box of matches.
He lights his cigarette, a bad habit he got because of college. That's when he realizes there are two hands on the railing of the balcony. It's 3:27 am. He's on the third floor.
That's some horror movie shit right there.
Levi wants no part in it. He considers getting Eren, but remembers that Jean came by, and he doesn't need to see him naked. Again. He doesn't mind Eren because growing up together means he got used to it, but Jean... No. Just no.
Great. That means he's alone to fight against whatever is hanging from the balcony.
He peers over the edge. It's a girl. Mostly normal looking girl. She smiles awkwardly.
"Are you a burglar?" He cuts right to the chase.
"No!" She exclaims. "I'm your upstairs neighbor."
Okay...?
"If you fall you're gonna die. Or break both of your legs at least."
She looks down for a second. "How do you know that?"
She's hanging from the balcony and she has the time to fucking ask questions. This chick is weird.
"I'm a physic student," he deadpans.
"You can really calculate that so fast?" She beams.
What the-
"No. I just have something called common sense." He deadpans.
She blinks. Then nods as if to say fair enough.
Maybe he's sleeping. Maybe all of this is just his imagination. His life can't be this strange, it's not possible.
He pinches himself to check. Fuck.
"Do you want to come up?"
She grimaces. "I would if I could, but I don't have any strength in my arms anymore."
He pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. Seriously, the horror movie situation would have been easier to deal with than this. He leans over the edge, grabs the girl and pulls her up.
She's taller than him which disrupt his balance. They end up sprawled on the floor in a mess of limbs.
"Get the fuck off me," he growls and pushes her.
The girl giggles and rolls off him, hoping on her feet. For someone who didn't have any strength in her arms left, she seems really energetic. Levi stands up and crosses his arms over his chest.
"So, if you're not a burglar, what the fuck were you doing?"
The girl raises a finger. "Okay, it's actually very simple!" She nods, as if to confirm it to herself. "You see, I forgot my keys. The thing is, my bathroom window is open, so if I climb on the balcony, I can enter through it!"
Levi just stares. She is crazy. Bat shit crazy.
"Okay...?" He vaguely gestures at her.
"Hange. Also, I am agender so please refer to me as they/them, please?"
He fixes her-them a few second. He's never met someone out of the gender-binary before so he'll probably have to be careful to not slip up, but he can do that.
"Okay, Hange." He pauses dramatically, raising an eyebrow. "That was incredibly fucking stupid," he states. "You could really have hurt yourself."
Hange pouts. "Well, I would have rung for someone to open to me, and asked the landlord for his spare keys, but since it's passed three in the morning..." They trail off.
That... is the thing that makes the most sense out of everything they said in past five minutes.
He looks at them. They're fidgeting, not crossing his gaze. Big brown eyes, brown hair in a messy bun, jeans, a t-shirt with written "Biologists take cellfies" (which would have maybe made him crack a smile in another situation) and very dirty-looking converses.
Basically, they look like a normal college student.
He sighs. He knows he's going to regret it, but he can't let them go back to almost surely plummeting to their death.
"Okay, Hange. I'm Levi." They do a little wave and smile. "You are going to sleep on the couch tonight. I don't want you breaking your neck trying to climb up there again. And tomorrow, you'll go to the landlord."
Hange beams and throws their arm around his shoulders. "Oh my god! Thank you so much!"
He pushes them off by the shoulders, grimacing. "Yeah, yeah. And I swear to God, if I see you climbing this damn balcony again, I will throw you over it myself."
Hange giggles. "Yes, Dad."
He slaps them on the arm and they cackle.
He provides them with a pillow and some covers. They make themselves a nest on the couch. They thank him again, grinning. He throws another pillow at their face.
"Good night, Levi."
"Go the fuck to sleep."
Eren bursts in his room, eyes wide. Levi groans and checks the time. 10 am.
"Lee! There's a stranger on the couch!" Eren whisper-shouts.
"Their name is Hange," he mumbles before shoving his face back in his pillow.
He can hear Eren gasp and feels him climb on his bed. He peeks at his friend from the corner of his eyes. Eren is gaping at him, his hair a wild mess, his t-shirt a bit too big (he suspects it's Jean's but honestly, he doesn't want to know), and wearing cotton shorts so tiny, Levi wonders if he didn't buy them in the women's section.
Actually, he doesn't wonder. He doesn't really give a fuck. He stopped caring about Eren's tastes in clothes a long time ago.
"I can't believe you brought someone home and you made her sleep on the couch!" Eren chides him. "That is so wrong on so many levels. Having sex with her and abandoning her on the sofa." He shakes his head, a disappointed expression on his face.
Levi sighs loudly and rolls on his back.
"Firstly, I did not bring them home, they invited themselves in." He counters. "And second, I did not have sex with them. Or with anyone for that matter." He eyes Eren and the bright purple marks on the skin of his collarbone and shoulders. "Unlike some idiots I know with countless hickeys showing."
Eren slaps a hand on his neck, spluttering and blushing bright red. He glares at Levi. "Jerk," he mutters.
Levi smirks, satisfied.
Eren huffs and leaves his bed. "I'll boil some water for you. You should get up."
"Thanks."
He watches Eren leave. He slowly stretches before getting up. He can smell toast and bacon. Hange is still soundly asleep on the sofa. They are ridiculously sprawled over it, their right arm hanging from the edge, drooling. His face twists with disgust. He will have to thoroughly clean the pillow.
He slides on a stool at the breakfast bar. Eren is humming, cooking scrambled eggs.
"Jean's still sleeping?"
Eren nods. "This lazy ass could sleep all day," he says. "But y'know, it's also kinda my fault. I rode him pretty hard last night."
Levi groans with despair. "I did not need to know that."
Eren slyly grins at him. He serves him a plate with a toast, some eggs and bacon. Levi thanks him with a smile.
"I made some for your guest, too," he informs Levi. "Maybe we should wake her up?"
"Them. They are agender." Levi corrects.
"Oh yeah, sorry. Them."
In the end, they don't have too. Hange wakes up by themselves, blinking at Eren who was reaching for his phone on the coffee table.
"Good morning!" He greets them with a smile.
They look dazed. "Am I dead? Am I in Heaven? Are you an angel?"
Levi snorts as he watches Eren turn red from head to toe. "Oh nonono!" He stammers. "I'm Eren and you are very much alive."
Hange seems to consider the answer for a few seconds, then nods, muttering something about the probability of them going to Heaven being very thin, anyway.
They look around as Eren comes back to the kitchen to prepare them a plate. They smile when they see Levi.
"Hi, Levi!"
"You have drool on your chin."
"Rude!" They shoot back, but they swipe at their chin.
They come sit next to him. Eren serves them. They lean towards Levi and whispers loudly.
"Who is this adorable creature?" They marvel. "Is he your boyfriend?"
"Roommate." He answers. "And childhood friend, I guess."
"You guess?" Eren repeats, looking falsely offended. "I have been tolerating you for the past fifteen years, Levi Ackerman! I am more than just your 'childhood-friend-I-guess'!" Eren nags, pointed at him with his fork, an amused spark in his eyes.
Levi hears a door open. Jean pads into to kitchen only dressed in sweatpants.
"Jean, control your boyfriend." Levi orders with a smirk. "He's going into his mother-mode again."
Jean kind of glares at Levi, but doesn't say anything. (Jean is still rather wary, even almost scared, of him sometimes, and Levi finds it hilarious.)
Jean snakes his arms around Eren's waist and kisses his cheek, murmuring: "Hey, babe."
Eren smiles widely and turns around to plant a sloppy kiss on Jean's lips.
Levi shakes his head. "You two are disgusting. Get the fuck out my sight."
Eren grins at him, purposefully sliding a hand up Jean's thigh. "Jealous, Le-vi?"
"You wish."
Hange suddenly laughs, surprising all of them. Jean raises an eyebrow and asks Eren rather indiscreetly: "Who's this, again?"
They swipe a hand under their eye. "God, you are all hilarious," they choke between two shaky breaths.
Levi watches them laugh. They look so carefree, their head thrown back, their brown eyes sparkling.
Cute, Levi thinks-
before he realizes what he actually just thought and chokes on his tea. Hange taps him gently on the back, her face far too close and it really does not help.
Fuck.
He met them seven hours ago for fuck's sake He breathes deep and reasons with himself that it's fine. It is normal to find people cute, it happens to everyone all the time and there's nothing wrong with it. So, he may not have found anyone cute in a I-am-attracted-to-you-cute way in the past two years at least, but he can deal with this.
He takes a deep breath. Hange is looking at him with concern. Eren is frowning. Not in his usual I-am-angry or jean-pisses-me-off-even-though-I-love-him way but in his special Levi way. Which basically means I know something is up with you and I know you won't tell me so I'm going to let this slide this time but don't think you're off the hook.
Yes, it is a very long meaning, but after fifteen years, Eren probably knows him better than anyone. Apart maybe Erwin. This guy was crazy perceptive. And Eren was...not.
Hange eventually calms down. They are still grinning, though. They turn their gaze to Jean.
"To answer your question, I'm Hange! I'm your upstairs neighbors. Also, I'm agender, so please refer to me as they/them!" They smile happily.
Jean is looking quizzically at them. "I'm Jean. Nice to meet you." He mutters, eventually.
After a bit, Hange decides it's time for them to go see the landlord.
Levi follows them to the door.
"Hey, give me your phone?" They demand.
He frowns but does as asked. They type a few things, then give his phone back with a grin. "There, I put my number in your contacts. Also, I texted myself, so I have yours."
"I won't text you," Levi grumbles.
They clap their hands. "It's okay, I can text for the both of us!"
"Please don't."
They laugh.
They bend towards him and kiss him on the cheek.
"Thanks, Levi. I'll see around!"
With that, they're gone.
He's a bit dazed. He hears a snicker behind him. Eren is trying to hide his smile behind his hand. Jean is very aggressively not looking up from his cereal bowl.
"Shut up, Jaeger," he growls.
Eren is now red from trying to contain his laughter. "I just- You are so awkward."
Levi flips him off.
Eren takes a deep breath. "So how did they end up on our couch, anyway?"
God, help him.