Ciao-su! Yesh, so, if you've read my other fics, you will recognize Vincent. He ended up being about ten times cooler than the friend he was based on (Chase, if you're reading this: You FAIL at life.), so I had to write a little narrative about his afterlife. Umm, I've been reading the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett recently, so it's really affected my work. Anyway...
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, Mr. Sub, Subway, or any other shows etc. I mentioned. I don't own Vincent, but he's pretty much my bitch. Sera, Eve, and Scene are my creations.
A Hell Of A Time (Required Reading The Shire Meets Yaoi)
Vincent Green's life is a hard one, especially since he's no longer living. Well, he does live, currently residing in the south end of a strangely normal dimension called Hell, but he's not actually alive, if you understand me.
You know what, nevermind...
Vincent Green was the Satanic son of a Christian father, and he also realized, at the age of 18, that he was hopelessly and insufferably gay. After somehow graduating high school, he fulfilled his life's dream of becoming a male stripper, and life was actually pretty okay for this young, crazy satanist.
That is, until March 29, 2005, at age 27, when his friend Eve attempted to marry her fiance Kira Yamato. Now, I'm not going to get into the epic, three-part event that is their virtually non-existent wedding (coughGo on my account and look for The Wedding That Never Wascough), but basically the whole thing was kind of off when an old lover of Kira's showed up. (Who was not Lacus Clyne, as you may have assumed, but in fact Athrun Zala)
Anyway, Kira ran away with Athrun, and it all went downhill from there.
Vincent was the only somewhat important character that did not walk, crawl, limp or run away from that ceremony. He was brutally murdered right in front of his friends. He was not brutally murdered by Athrun Zala, or the Konoha Shinobi, or the Akatsuki, or even Sera Nakamura, who made a habit of beating on him at least once a day. Interestingly enough, his death was served on a plate by an especially large pack of ferret henchmen. Huh.
About an hour after he died, Vincent landed in an office somewhere in the upper echelons of Hell, and a very unamused secretary set him up with an apartment in the south end; a bland, red-walled place where the water boiled in about two minutes. After getting settled in, he went and got a job at the Mr. Sub a few blocks away.
That Mr. Sub was being run by a new manager, an attractive vampire with long black hair held back with a silver clip, who was always looking very fashionable. He had been killed about a week after Vincent by an equally unhuman, chain-smoking man with a sword for a hand, with which he'd sliced the vamp clean in half. The killer's name was Baroqueheat, and the manager was none other than Mircea, Dracula's older brother.
Another egotistical maniac murderer, much like Mircea except human and possibly gay, had been working at that Mr. Sub for about four months, ever since he'd died of blood loss trying to write the name of his captor John Pritkin in his own blood. (For that tale and others, please refer to A Shopping Tale of EPIC Proportions) He liked Mircea a lot more than his old boss, mostly because Mircea knew Pritkin and had never particularily liked him.
When Vincent started working there, he pretty much hated anything he set his eyes upon, especially ferrets, so he generally thought Mircea, and the egotistical murderer sharing his shift, were a couple of crazed freaks, which was perfectly true in all accounts. The egotistical murderer was constantly formulating a plan to kill all the criminals and take over all the afterworld dimensions.
Now, perhaps I should explain why he said 'all the dimensions'. You see, when a person dies, they don't just go to Heaven or Hell. There are a lot of different options, depending on what the person did during their time on Earth and where the houses are cheapest. For instance, because of the way the egotistical murderer killed his victims, he was forced to live in a place called 'Mu' (more commonly known as 'Nothingness'). Living in Nothingness wasn't much fun because, well, there was nothing there. So, the egotistical murderer had to go to Hell to work and do his shopping, since Hell was actually a lot like living on Earth. But back to his diabolical plans.
Vincent had two thing to say about them: "A) If you killed all the criminals, there wouldn't be much of the dimensions left, and B) What the Kira, Light?!"
At which point, Light Yagami's eyes widened and he gasped. "Kira...How did you know I was Kira!?"
"Of course I knew" Vincent replied dismally. "If we didn't all know, the series wouldn't have made any sense."
"What do you mean by 'series'?"
"Nevermind...Here, we're out of Mayo."
Mircea was just as frustrating. In trying to retain his reputation, every time a young female came in, he would reveal to them that the future of the afterworld depended on the loss of their virginity.
Fortunately, there are obviously no virgins in Hell. Actutally, there are no virgins in Hell, Nothingness, Oblivion, Cloud's Dream World, Semi-Hell (For people who aren't quite bad enough to go to Hell, but not quite good enough to go to Heaven either), the Shinigami Realm (Don't ask me how, but apparently every Shinigami is created having already had sex five times), or even Heaven (Despite what they want you to believe).
For some reason, they're all in Baroqueheat's Dream World, much to Mircea's dismay...
So anyway, as you can expect, working at Mr. Sub is very repititious, and it became even more so after Peanut started showing up.
Peanut was a giant talking elephant, a Narnian, free to run around and jump on squishy things as he pleased. That is, until he stepped on a certain shingami named Ryuk, who's eyes popped out of his head during the incident. Ryuk immediately took action, sueing Peanut in Oblivion. So Peanut was moved to the large, spirally illusion that was Oblivion, but everyday at lunch, he would go for a bite to eat at Mr. Sub, right in the middle of Vincent and Light's shift.
Despite Vincent's obvious uninterest and Yagami's obvious crazyness, Peanut would spend his time continously grumbling about how much life sucked, and how much Ryuk sucked, and how much this sub pretty much sucked too, and so on and so forth.
We now fast forward to some time in May of 2008 (according to Earth's calendar). Vincent Green walked down the street to his apartment, running a hand through his clean, visible-flake free hair. He had taken a quick trip to Earth after hearing the rumor that Eve Berglund had had a child, and he feared the father was the most ferret-like peice of crap he'd ever known, who by the way was currently married to Harry Potter.
However, Eve wasn't home, but after a lot of digging, he figured out that she had travelled back in time and dimension to Middle Earth, and was in the Shire, specifically the village of Hobbiton, helping Mello and Matt move into their new house. After getting himself to Hobbiton, his fears were known to be correct, and he'd had a nervous breakdown. Green goo relentlessly oozed from his metaphysical skin, covering Mello and Matt's well-tended lawn.
Eve's evil genuis of a daughter, who had the unusual name of Scene, had proceeded to shoot him down with a giant bazooka filled with Head and Shoulders. However, he'd managed to slip back to Hell at the ladt minute, narrowly surviving the event complete with newly rejuvenated hair.
Anyway, he tramped depressingly down the sidewalk, mumbling curses about Eve Berglund, Scene Berglund, Draco Malfoy, ferrets/ferretty people in general, Sera Nakamura, Peanut the Giant Talking Elephant, Ryuk, Light Yagami, Mircea, the entire cast of Naruto, Athrun Zala, Kira Yamato, God, Satan, and that stupid fish that had died on him after only two days.
In the midst of his long list of cursing, he suddenly realized that he could really use a turkey sub. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mr. Sub. It would've been his shift right now if he hadn't taken the day off. He turned on a floating heel and stumbled inside, blankly reciting his usual order.
"What the Kira do you think you're doing, Green?" Said one of the condescending voices behind the counter.
"Yeah, you know you're not allowed in here." Added the other.
Vincent dimly glanced up and noticed something very important.
He was not in the Mr. Sub.
He suddenly remembered something Touta Matsuda, Sera Nakamura's boyfriend, had once said.
"Oh shit..."
Vincent Green's life is a hard one, especially when halfway through an already long day, you end up being viciously beaten by begrudging Subway employees. Luckily for him, the only thing running through his mind was the extreme desire he had to punch Sera in the face for no real reason.
Meanwhile, the black-haired, Japanese-Canadian bounty hunter, Sera Nakamura, sat on a wood floor in the round room of an oversized hobbit hole, her back against a bed, while Eve Berglund sat on the bed, messily braiding Sera's hair. They were half ignoring the sounds of Mello and Matt in the next room, and half too drunk to notice. Eve's daughter Scene was reading a Math textbook in a corner of the room.
Suddenly, Sera frowned in slow though. "...I just felt like Vincent was having the shit beaten out of him somewhere in Hell, and the only thing running through his mind was the extreme desire he had to punch me in the face for no real reason...I almost feel bad for him..."
Eve thought about it, but continued braiding. "Hm...hey,stop moving your head around. Geez!!"
Scene glanced up at the girls. "What the Kira, mom...What the Kira?"
So, Vincent will forever be underappreciated and unloved, but secretly we all love, don't we?
Erm...the only thing I know about the next fic of this particular series(I'm in the middle of another Death Note fic, a Dazzle one, and then my novel), is that John Pritkin, from a few of the previous 'chapters' will attempt to jump through a plexiglass window...and subsequently fail miserably.
But until then, Doumo Oyasumi!!