Lean On Me

by cchester1985

On a spring evening in 2001, Katniss' life is shattered by the actions of her own sister. Not long after, her own life begins to unravel, sending her on an unexpected downward spiral. Katniss feels powerless to pull herself out of it on her own, in fact, she's not even sure that she should. Will her family and her three best friends be able to help her before its too late?

This is a one shot that I've been working on for the last nine months or so. I didn't know it would take me so long to complete this but it's not been an easy story to write. I've had to take many breaks from it. I pressed on, though, because this is personal for me and I wanted to write it.

I want to thank christyjosh4eva for sticking by my side throughout the entire journey of writing this and helping me to go on when I nearly gave up.

I also want to thank both christyjosh4eva and dandelionsunset for pre-reading this for me! And thank you dandelionsunset for your amazing beta work! It wouldn't be what it is without you!

You can find me on tumblr and twitter as cchester1985 and I welcome PM's too. If you are one of my readers let me know and I'll follow you back!

All credit goes to Suzanne Collins. These are her characters and the world of The Hunger Games belongs to her.

**TRIGGER WARNINGS**

This one shot is very emotional! The triggers in this story include depression, self-harm, self-starvation and attempted suicide. This story may not be for everyone and I understand that. If at any point it becomes too much, please walk away from it.

** Katniss' inner monologue is in italics

LEAN ON ME

I never saw this coming, that's for sure. Well maybe I should rephrase that. After what happened over the last few weeks I knew that things were not going to be normal in my family, at least for a while anyways. What I didn't see coming was Prim actually making a successful attempt at taking her own life.

Tonight is not the first time Prim has done something like this, but according to her doctors and psychiatrists, the first two attempts were so weak that they believe my sister is angry with my father and looking for attention. They don't really believe that she wants to end her life.

That's not to say that they are not taking her seriously though. She's already been in the psych ward of two different Children's Hospitals and we are all seeing a family therapist once a week as well.

I honestly don't know how much any of this is helping, though. It can't be doing much good considering Prim's suicide attempt tonight was more deadly than the last two put together. If she hadn't freaked out after swallowing all of the pills and called 9-1-1 herself she would most likely be dead right now.

I can't even imagine...

I should have known...

I should have said something...

When Prim and I got home from school this afternoon, I had a feeling that something wasn't right. Prim just wasn't being her usual self. She immediately went to her room, got her camera out and brought it to me, asking if I would take a bunch of pictures of her. I asked her why she wanted me to take a bunch of photos and she told me that she just wanted more pictures of herself since we didn't take photos very often.

I understood what she was saying. It's true, we don't have many pictures of our teenage selves. I don't think I'm very photogenic so I usually avoid being in pictures if possible, and this is the first time Prim has ever asked me to take pictures of her.

I had my doubts about her true motives for the pictures but I didn't press her. I regret it now with everything in me. She must have wanted us to have some final pictures of her angry-at-the-world self.

I should have known... It's my fault. I didn't prevent this from happening.

Maybe if I had done something... or said something, Prim wouldn't have swallowed all those pills and I wouldn't be walking home from the hospital by myself at 6:30 in the evening on a school night.

I should never have suggested to my mom that we run to Cartwright's department store tonight. It was because of my suggestion that Prim was home by herself.

My mom had mentioned wanting to go look for some new shirts for work the night before, and when I noticed at school that my purse was beginning to wear out I figured that I could look for a new one while my mom did her clothes shopping. I suggested the shopping trip after my mom got home from work and she said that we could go right away.

Since I was still concerned about Prim's behavior after school I asked her to please come with us. However, when I asked she said that she didn't want to go. I asked her if everything was okay and she assured me that she was fine and that she would see us when we got home. Wanting to give my sister the benefit of the doubt, I told her it was okay and that I loved her. Then my mom and I left for Cartwright's.

It couldn't have been more than forty minutes or so from the time my mom and I left for Cartwright's to the moment that we realized something very bad had happened at home. I had just finished picking out a new purse and was on my way over to the woman's clothing section to find my mom when I heard her name called over the intercom of the store.

I found her quickly as she emerged out into the aisle from behind a large rack of sweaters, and as we made eye contact I could tell she was worried just like I was. We both knew right away that something serious had to have happened for a department store to call a customer to the front of the store immediately. We both made a beeline for the customer service desk and as soon as she told the woman behind the counter her name she was handed the receiver of the phone.
I watched the expression on my mom's face change from worried to scared and upset and then to horrified and trembling as she told whoever she was talking to that we would meet them somewhere as soon as possible before handing the receiver back to the woman on the other side of the counter.

I could tell my mom was trying to hold back tears as she turned to me. "We've got to go. Your sister..." She didn't finish the sentence and she didn't need to. I was pretty sure I already knew what Prim had done. What I didn't know was how severe it was this time.

The lady at the desk checked us out in record time and before I knew it we were on our way out the door. I attempted to swallow the lump that had formed in my throat as I dared to ask the question that had been at the forefront of my mind since I heard my mom's name over the intercom. "Mom? What happened? What did she do?"

"She... they said something about pills. She attempted again. I don't know all the details yet, they didn't want to say much over the phone but they were at our house and loading her into the ambulance. They want us to meet them at Panem Memorial." My mom answered as the tears spilled down her cheeks.

The short ride to the hospital was very quiet. My mom was trying to keep it together long enough to drive but I knew that it must have been extremely difficult for her. I didn't say much because I didn't know what to say.

We rushed into the hospital and asked where my sister was. They asked my mother to come back immediately but when they saw me they asked how old I was.

"I'm sixteen." I answered truthfully because I didn't understand why my age had anything to do with it.

Apparently it did though because the nurse at the desk gave me a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry, Miss, but you must be eighteen or older to visit a psychiatric patient in the hospital."

"But she's my sister!" I shouted in anger. "I just want to see her!"

The nurse surprisingly didn't even seem irritated by my outburst. Instead she replied with a calm and sympathetic tone which only angered me more. "I understand and I'm sorry but that's the policy. You'll have to wait in the waiting room."

"Fine." I replied as I backed away from the registration desk.

"Katniss," my mom began, "I'm sorry but if you can wait here for a while I will drive you home as soon as I can leave your sister for about twenty minutes. Maybe you can watch the TV or read or..."

"Can I just walk home?" I didn't mean to cut her off but if I couldn't go see Prim the last thing I wanted to do was sit in that dreary hospital waiting room.

"Katniss..."

"It's what I want to do mom. I'll be fine! I've walked by myself before. Is it okay with you?"

She didn't look happy with my decision but I think she understood. "Yeah, it's okay. I'll call home in about forty-five minutes or an hour to make sure you're home safe. Just please be careful!"

"I will."

"Come here." She pulled me into her arms; both of us were on the verge of breaking down by then. "We'll get through this Katniss. I'm not sure how, but we will. Okay?"

I pulled back and met her eyes. "Okay." I wasn't sure though. I'm still not. The domestic violence incident last May and the following month of separation for my parents was one thing, but this is in a completely different category of family problems. Apparently my sister not only doesn't want to be a part of our family anymore, but she's also lost the will to live.

After saying goodbye to my mom, I turned and made my way towards the hospital exit. I didn't know what I was going to do or what was going to happen from here on out, but I did know that I had to get out of there. Once I found out that I wouldn't be allowed to go back and see Prim, I felt like I was suffocating in my surroundings. The monotone color scheme of the dreary hospital waiting room only added to the feeling that my world was collapsing in on me.

Once I was out in the warm April air I didn't turn around or look back. I couldn't. Whatever this was that Prim was feeling or going though was out of our family's hands now and in the hands of the doctors and psychiatrists that could hopefully help her. There was nothing I could do. I passed up my chance of being able to help her when my mom and I left for the store.

I never should have left her...

This is all my fault...

I've failed my sister...

As I cross Kennedy parkway and start making my way home, I don't even think about what I'm doing. There are too many thoughts running through my head. I guess I really don't need to think about where I'm going because I know my way home like the back of my hand. There's three different ways that I can get home from the hospital but they all take about the same length of time, so it doesn't really matter which way I go. I just start walking.

Up until tonight, walking around the city of Panem was always something I enjoyed. I don't yet have my license or a car, so unless I ride my bike, walking is how I get to different places. It's good exercise and it usually helps me clear my head.

I have a feeling this walk is going to be a lot different though. The thoughts that are running through my head right now are nothing but negative, sad, and depressing and I don't know what to think of myself right now. If Hester Prynne had to wear an 'A' on her clothes, then they should brand me with an 'F' for failure. That's all I am now.

My self-esteem and self-worth are at an all-time low. If I can't even take care of my sister and be a good mentor for her, how am I supposed to take care of anyone else, including myself?

I guess that about five minutes go by before I realize where I am. I'm at the corner of Jefferson and Pine. That means I'm only four houses away from my friend Peeta Mellark's house. Peeta and I attend Panem Central High School together. We haven't been friends for a long time, only since the beginning of this school year. We met last August at band camp and we've become pretty good friends since then. Peeta isn't like a lot of the other teenage guys I've been in school with for years. He's more quiet and reserved but he's also one of the most kind and caring young men I've ever met.

As I get closer to the Mellark's driveway, I notice that Peeta's car is there. That means he's home. Of course he is. Looking at my watch I realize that it is almost seven o'clock on a school night. He's probably either eating dinner right now or working on some homework. That's what I should be doing right now, getting ready for another day of school. Unfortunately, though, school is the last thing on my mind.

I catch myself staring up at their front porch. I notice that the lights are on in the living room but I don't see anyone in the room. I briefly consider knocking on their door and asking if Peeta wouldn't mind giving me a ride home. It's only about a five or six minute drive but it would save me about forty-five minutes of walking if he did.

I highly doubt Peeta would mind. In fact, knowing him, once he found out what was going on he would probably insist on driving me home and then staying with me until he knew that I was okay. He's probably the most compassionate and selfless guy I have ever met.

His parents probably wouldn't mind my asking him for a ride either. I have already met both of his parents and he has met mine. His mom works at our high school and his dad is a pastor. His grandfather also owns the Mellark family bakery in downtown Panem. Peeta even works part-time at the bakery, helping out his grandfather on the weekends.

The longer I stand in front of the Mellark's house, the longer I begin to second-guess my idea of asking for a ride. Its dinner time and it's also a school night. If he is in the middle of an important homework assignment I don't want to interrupt him. Also, I don't want him to think that I'm taking advantage of this friendship. I'm probably better off just walking home. It'll give me a lot more time to think and try to make sense of all the craziness that is jumbled in my mind right now, like how this even happened with Prim in the first place, what's going to happen to our family now, and how do I even begin to tell my parents that it is my fault that Prim attempted suicide again; that I didn't help and protect my sister or tell someone that I thought that she was in trouble.

Before I know it, I am walking past Peeta's house, and once I pass it up I don't turn back. I have a lot to figure out right now and I'm probably better off alone.

Besides, suicide attempts or actual suicides are horrible things for anyone to have to deal with, and I don't want to put Peeta through that and my other problems if I'm not completely sure he's okay with it first. He doesn't deserve that.

He deserves friends who can properly care for their friends and loved ones, not someone like me...

Someone who can't even protect her own sister...

Then I begin to wonder, is Prim cutting again too? She started cutting about a month ago, only we didn't notice right away because she would hide the cuts on her wrist under the numerous bracelets she wore every day. We didn't find out until she made a few cuts too deep that they started bleeding a lot. She promised that she would stop the cutting, but did she keep that promise? I don't even know what to think. Prim cutting... Prim attempting to end her life... It seems like something out of a horror film, not real life.

This whole thing feels like I've walked into a rated R film that I shouldn't be in but at the same time, I can't get out of it. My life has turned upside down and sideways before I've even had time to understand why.

Maybe... I don't know.

Maybe... Maybe I'd be better off, or maybe everyone else would be better off if I were… if I were gone.

I've failed my sister, and in turn I've failed my parents. I have no idea what they will think of me when they find out that I suspected something wasn't right this afternoon but didn't do anything to help Prim. I wouldn't blame them if they didn't want me around anymore. I'm disgusted and disappointed with myself. I'm sure they will be too.

And my friends, well former friends anyways - they aren't going to want to be friends with someone like me; a girl who couldn't even protect and help her sister, let alone be a friend to anyone else or take care of herself. Somewhere along the line, I became worthless and I didn't even realize it until now.

I begin to feel numb. Maybe it's the shock of what is happening to my life as I know it or maybe it's from all of the thoughts that are running through my head at the moment. I don't know. Maybe it's a sign. The numbness only strengthens the feeling that I don't belong here anymore.

As I cross Broadway and continue heading towards our house, I come upon the bridge that crosses over the Panem River. The bridge isn't a really tall one like the one on Columbia road that looks over the cemetery and the entrance to the Metro Parks. This one is only about fifteen or twenty feet from the top to the surface of the water.

I stop at the bridge and lean against the stone railing. The railing isn't very tall to begin with, so it wouldn't be difficult to get over it.

This could be it.

This is my chance to end it all. The fall might not kill me immediately but it would do enough damage. I would never be able to get over the railing on the Columbia road bridge, it's too high up.

I know it's not ideal but at the moment it's my only option, and I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm worthless now and there's no point to me continuing on. I'm not helping anyone; in fact, I'm probably just making life harder for everyone around me.

Looking to my left and right, I notice that there are two semicircles on each side of the bridge where you can literally almost walk over the edge. Whoever designed the railing on this bridge wasn't thinking that anyone would want to jump off of it. Maybe it's because the river is not very deep to begin with, at least not at this point. I move so that I'm standing in one of the semicircles, and then I get as close to the edge as possible, with the tips of my shoes hanging over the edge.

This is it. One jump and it'll all be over. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the warm spring air one last time.

As I exhale I know it's time, but for some strange reason I feel frozen in place. I stand there with the tips of my shoes hanging over the edge for who knows how long. I've lost all track of time.

It's a strange sensation, I want to jump and end it all but for some strange reason I can't do it.
After an unknown period of time passes, I back up off of the edge of the railing and turn to face the direction of the way home.

I don't know. Maybe this isn't the right thing?

Or maybe this isn't the right moment for this? Something is holding me back.

Who knows? I'm not sure of anything right now.

I guess it's a good thing that not many cars come over this bridge, because surely someone might have seen me on the edge and panicked and called the police. The police are the last people I want to talk to right now. I don't feel like answering anyone's questions. I'm so lost I don't think I could answer them even if I tried.

Not knowing what else to do at the moment, I decide to continue on in the direction of my house.

The walk from the bridge to my street takes about fifteen minutes, and I spend the majority of that time wondering if I should turn back or if I've done the right thing by continuing on. I also start to wonder if I'm not going into shock. It wouldn't really surprise me if I am.

By the time I make the turn onto Maple Grove Lane I can't even remember walking half of the distance that I did. Everything after what I almost did on the bridge seems like a blur.

Our house is only five houses from the end of the street so it doesn't take me hardly anytime at all to reach the corner of where our yard begins. As I begin crossing our yard and making my way towards the front door I hear my name called out by a familiar voice. It's our next door neighbor, Sae.

"Katniss!"

I slowly turn towards where I heard her voice. My family has been friends with Sae and her mother, who both share the house next door. Sae is in her late sixties and her mother is in her early nineties. Both are widowed. They are both very sweet ladies and they are almost always home if my sister or I ever need anything when our parents are not home.

Given that they are both almost always around, I'm guessing that they probably saw the commotion that I'm sure was going on outside our house less than two hours ago.

As I turn to face her, I begin to feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I try to keep my composure but it isn't easy. "Hello Sae!"

"What's going on Katniss? My mother and I saw the rescue squad and the fire engine outside your house about an hour and a half ago, but we haven't seen anyone over there since then."

I can't lie, not to her at least. "It's... It's Prim."

"Oh dear," she replies. "I thought that looked like her on the stretcher but I wasn't completely sure."

"They took her to Panem Memorial Hospital, she..." I confirm as I feel my composure begin to shatter.

"She what dear?" she asks, her voice full of concern.

"She... She..." I don't know why I can't say it out loud. My lower lip begins to visibly tremble and that's when she knows that I'm not okay.

"Oh dear! Come here sweetie!" Sae says as she extends her arms, and calls me over to where she is standing on her front porch.

With my head bowed low, I slowly make my way across our yard and Sae's driveway until I am welcomed into her arms.

She holds me while I cry. This is the first time I've allowed myself to completely let my guard down and have a good cry since we got the call at Cartwright's. Then finally after a few minutes I get the nerve to tell her what Prim has done. "Prim... She tried to kill herself Sae!"

I feel her whole body tense immediately and she places both hands on my shoulders, pulling away just far enough to meet my tear stained eyes. "She didn't!"

A fresh wave of tears flows from my eyes as I nod my head, confirming what I've just told her. "She did."

She pulls me close once again, holding my trembling body against hers and rubbing my back in slow circles while I cry. "Oh dear!"

After a couple minutes she asks me to come inside, where she sits me down on the couch and gets me something cold to drink. I don't have much of an appetite but the cold liquid seems to help my parched throat.

I stay with Sae until I've calmed down. She tells me that I am welcome to stay as long as I'd like, but I thank her and tell her I should be getting home in case my parents try to call. She makes me promise to keep her updated and to call her if I need anything at all.

I can tell that Sae is worried about me but she doesn't push. I have to admit, it's nice to know that I have someone who cares so much, but then again, she doesn't know what I've done or that I could have prevented this. No one knows yet.

After one more hug, I make my way home to our house. I'm surprised to find that the door is locked and that it doesn't seem like anyone had to kick it in. Prim must have been alert enough to unlock the door for the paramedics. That's a good sign I think.

I get inside and lock the door behind me. I immediately check the answering machine and as I suspected, it is blinking with new messages.

As I listen to the numerous messages play one after another I conclude that whatever happened outside our house after Prim dialed 911 must've been a pretty big scene. There are messages from at least three of our neighbors wondering if we are okay and what's going on. It turns out that Sae wasn't the only one of our neighbors that saw everything happen. Her message was the first one on the machine though.

Now that I'm home I realize that I don't really know why I was so determined to get here. I don't know what to do. I mean what can I do?

I guess I could probably work on the homework I have for tomorrow, but at the same time I really don't even feel like doing that. With everything that's going on tonight I highly doubt I'll be going to school tomorrow anyways.

I make my way to the kitchen. Its way past suppertime and I guess I should be hungry but I don't really feel like eating anything. I lost my appetite the moment that my mom's name was called over the intercom at Cartwright's department store. I open the refrigerator door, hoping that there's something in there that I might feel like snacking on, at least to have something in my stomach, but it doesn't happen. I stand there for close to a minute, staring at the contents of the refrigerator before closing the door again.

As I walk around the corner from the kitchen to the bathroom I immediately notice that the medicine cabinet above the bathroom sink has been left ajar. This must be where she got the pills that she took. Looking through the various medications that are in there makes me wonder what she took. There are numerous bottles, both over-the-counter and prescription medicines. I guess she could've taken any of these. I don't know how much she took either. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

With a trembling hand, I reach up and grab a couple of the bottles.

Ibuprofen. Aspirin. Dad's diabetes medicine. Aleve. Decongestant.

I don't even realize that my eyes are overflowing with fresh tears once again as I read the labels. I'm old enough to understand that consuming too much of any one of these could be life threatening let alone a combination.

What have you done Prim? What have you done?

Suddenly I feel like I'm going to collapse so I move to sit down on the closed toilet seat. With my elbows resting on my knees, my head immediately falls into my hands as my whole body begins to tremble. The tears continue to flow and I feel like I have no control over anything anymore.

Why? Why is this happening? I don't understand!

When my cell phone begins to vibrate in my pants pocket I decide to just ignore it. I'm not in the right mental state to talk to anyone right now anyways.

After about six rings it stops. Then not even thirty seconds later it begins to ring once again.
I realize that it's probably my mom wanting to make sure I've made it home okay, so I reach my hand into my pocket and pull my phone out. One glance at the screen tells me that it's not my mother as I suspected. It's my friend Cressida.

What does she want?

In the past, I would have normally been happy to talk to her, but now all I can think about is how I'm losing everyone I care about left and right. It's my fault anyways. I've obviously failed Prim. I've failed my parents. I'm pretty sure I've failed everyone.

I let the call go to voicemail once again, but just like the first time, she calls right back.

She sure is persistent!

Thinking that maybe something is really wrong, I decide to answer the call.

"Hello?" I notice right away that I don't sound like myself. My voice is breaking and anyone paying close attention would be able to tell that I've recently been crying.

"Hey Katniss! Why weren't you answering? That's not like you! You always answer on the first couple of rings. What are you... wait! Katniss? You didn't sound like yourself! Are you okay? Are you crying?" Cressida has always been a fast speaker. She grew up in Massachusetts and she even has a little bit of an accent.

Without thinking, I begin shaking my head back and forth in answer. It takes me a few seconds to realize that I am alone and that she can't see me shaking my head.

"Katniss? Please talk to me!"

"No," I answer. "I'm not okay."

"What happened? Is it your dad?"

"No. It's not him this time, it's..."

"It's what Katniss?"

"It's Pr..." I realize I can't even say it. The more people I tell, the more real this whole night seems to be. I just want to wake up from this nightmare already.

"Pr...? You mean Prim? Katniss is something going on with Prim? Is Prim okay?"

I squeeze my eyes shut, attempting to stop the tears as they continue to flow, but it doesn't help.

"No!" I exclaim as I break down once again, this time I don't even try to hide it.

"Oh my God! Katniss? Please try to talk to me! Prim isn't... Is she?"

"Nooo... she... she tried... to kill herself... Cressida!" I manage to get out in between sobs.

"Oh God! Katniss I'm so sorry!" she tells me as she tries to hold back the evident sadness and worry in her own voice. "Hold on just a second Katniss, MOM!" I can tell she tried to cover the receiver when she screamed for her mom but it was so loud that I could still hear her.

"MOM! Hurry!" she shouts again.

"Katniss please stay on the line with me! Don't hang up! I'm going to come over okay! You're at home right?"

"Yeah I am."

"Okay, just a second. I hear her whispering something to her mom but I can't hear their conversation clearly. The next thing I know, there is a shuffling sound and it's Mrs. Mellark's voice that is speaking to me through the receiver.

Peeta and Cressida are cousins. Their dads are brothers, so they are both Mellark's. Cressida's family moved from the small town of Panem, Ohio to a suburb of Boston, Massachusetts when Cressida was only a baby. When Cressida's grandmother fell ill her father decided to move the family back to his hometown to be closer to his mother and father. Cressida was in the fourth grade when she moved back to Panem and she was put into my class. We've been best friends ever since.

Peeta, on the other hand, has lived in Panem his entire life. He was always a grade ahead of us in school, so I guess that's why I never really got to know him until this year. I always knew of him, I just never got to know him as a friend until last August.

"Katniss, sweetie. It's Mrs. Mellark. Cressida just told me what you told her. I'm guessing your parents are with Prim at the hospital right now, am I correct?"

"Mmhmm," I reply.

"Okay, I don't want you to be alone right now so we are going to stop and pick up Johanna and we will be at your house in no time.

"Okay. Thank you!"

"There's no thanks needed sweetheart! You are part of our family too! I consider you to be one of my children and when my children need me I am there, no questions asked, okay? I'm going to give the phone back to Cressida now and she's going to stay on the line with you. I wanted to talk to you myself and Cressida went to call Johanna. She wants to be there for you as well. We'll see you very soon, just try to calm down! Getting yourself overly upset isn't going to help at all. You'll just make yourself sick."

"I'll try," I tell her.

Cressida gets back on the line, and within minutes I hear the sound of car doors closing and an engine starting up as they get in their car.

At least I won't be alone, I think. I probably shouldn't be alone right now especially considering what I almost did on the bridge that overlooks the Panem River.

I go back into the living room and sit on the couch in front of the large window as I wait for Johanna, Cressida, and Mrs. Mellark to arrive. My mom calls while I am waiting to ensure that I made it home okay. She found out what my sister took before calling 9-1-1 on herself. She swallowed seventy ibuprofen and eleven Aleve. At hearing this, I start crying uncontrollably all over again.

Why, Prim? Why? Why? Why?

Before hanging up, my mom informs me that they have pumped her stomach so that the pills won't kill her. What we don't know is if that means there was no harm done at all.

It only takes them about fifteen minutes to pick up Johanna and get over to our house. As soon as the car comes to a complete stop, the passenger side door and the door behind it both fly open, and Johanna and Cressida come running across the yard and up the front steps. I hold the door open for them and they both rush inside, pulling me into their arms for a group hug. I notice that they are both crying as well.

When Mrs. Mellark comes in the door moments later, my friends let go of me so that she can pull me into her arms. Over the past five years Cressida's mom has become a second mother to me. I'm actually relieved that she's here since my own mom can't be right now. Having my friends here means the world to me but there's something comforting about being held in a mother's embrace.

My own mother and I have always been close. I don't even want to think about what she'll think of me once she finds everything out. She'll probably disown me. I wouldn't blame her if she did.

After a long embrace, Mrs. Mellark lets me go so that Cressida and Johanna can hold me again. She guides us through the living room and into the kitchen where the stairs leading to the basement are. She's been over many times before so she knows her way around. I don't have to tell her where to go or where the best place in our house to relax and hang out is.

As the evening hours stretch on into the night, I slowly explain what I know about what happened with Prim to Cressida, Johanna, and Mrs. Mellark. I tell them about how my mom and I found out while we were at Cartwright's department store, and about how I walked home from the hospital after they wouldn't let me go back to see Prim. I'm careful to leave out the part about me nearly ending my own life. I'm not sure if I should tell them or if I'm ready for anyone to know. I should probably tell my parents first but I don't know how to even go about doing that.

After I tell them what I know for sure, they all try to comfort me and explain that while this whole situation is out of our hands, Prim is in good and capable hands that will give her the help she needs. They tell me that we just have to trust and have faith that she will be okay. It's all easier said than done though.

At around ten o'clock, Mrs. Mellark orders a couple of pizzas to be delivered for us to snack on. I tell her that I don't have an appetite for anything but that only seems to worry her even more. She tells me that I should at least try to eat a little bit since I haven't had anything since lunch. She's worried that I'll get sick if I don't eat.

Honestly, that's at the bottom of the list of things that I care about right now. I don't tell her that though.

It takes me forever since I'm just picking at the pizza, but eventually I manage to eat a slice and a half. Thankfully she seems to be content with that and doesn't push me to eat anymore.

Eleven o'clock turns into midnight and midnight turns into one in the morning. We all sit around the TV watching some comedy that Johanna comes across while flipping channels, but even though I'm watching the TV I can't seem to focus on it. To be honest, I'm not even sure what the comedy is really about.

All I know is that Prim tried to end her life and she's now in a hospital psych ward instead of at home in bed where other children her age are at this time of night. She's only twelve years old. She hasn't even gotten to her teenage years yet. I hope she lives long enough to see her thirteenth birthday.

I also know that I could have prevented this and that it's all my fault. Just thinking about everything that's happened today makes me sick to my stomach with the disgust I feel for myself.

It's nice that my friends want to be here for me, but then again, would they be here if they knew the truth?

I doubt it.

A few minutes after 1:00 AM, Mrs. Mellark decides to call my parents and see what she can find out. Johanna, Cressida, and I don't hear the whole conversation because she goes upstairs for a few minutes, but when she comes back downstairs she tells us what she's found out.

Prim is stable, but she needs psychological inpatient care, therapy, and counseling, none of which are provided for children at Panem Memorial. Right now she's considered a danger to herself. They are preparing to transfer her to a facility where she will get the help she needs and then my parents will be coming home. Mrs. Mellark informs me that my mom says they should be home within the next couple of hours.

Once she's filled us in on what she found out from my mom, she tells me that she has to get Johanna home and she wants to get Cressida home as well since they have to go to school in the morning. She gives me the option of going home with her or waiting on my parents.

I don't exactly want them to leave but I also don't feel like going anywhere. I'm nowhere near being able to fall asleep, but I don't want to leave the house either. So I do the only thing I know to do, I tell her what I know she wants to hear, that I'm falling asleep and that I'll just sleep here until my parents get home from the hospital.

Both Cressida and Johanna, on the other hand, are already starting to fall asleep. It's obvious that they both want to be here for me but they don't have the guilt and worry on their shoulders that I do. This just isn't as personal for them as it is for me. They know Prim but they aren't close to her. Their level of care and concern is more by extension that she is my sister, their best friend's little sis.

Nevertheless, neither of them is willing to leave me until I reassure them over and over that I'll be alright for the rest of the night.

I really do have two of the world's greatest best friends, I think.

If only I deserved their friendship.

Both Cressida and Johanna promise to call me in the morning before school to see how I'm doing. Mrs. Mellark also promises to keep checking in on me and she reminds me that my second mom is only a phone call and a ten minute drive away.

After ten minutes of hugs and goodbyes they finally head out the door. I watch as their van backs out of our driveway and I wave as they drive off into the night. Once they are gone, I lock up the door and curl up with a pillow and a blanket on the loveseat in the living room across from the TV.

I don't feel tired at all so it doesn't surprise me that sleep doesn't come easily. I decide to put the VHS tape of the musical I was just in at school last month in the VCR. It was a lot of fun participating in that with my friends, so it makes me feel a little better watching it.

I lie there in the darkness for a while, and eventually sleep comes I guess, because one minute I'm watching the cast in a song and dance number and the next thing I know, my mom is gently shaking me awake. It's 4:00 AM and finally both she and my dad are home from the hospital.

I quickly shove the blanket off of me and sit up. It's extremely obvious how exhausted both of my parents are. They both look defeated, physically and emotionally. Their posture is hunched, and while my dad appears to be in shock, it's obvious that my mom has been doing a lot of crying. Even in the dim lighting of the living room, I can tell that her eyes are all puffy and red.

"Mom, what's going on? Where did they send her?" I ask, not knowing if I'm even prepared to hear her answers.

"She uh... they transferred Prim by ambulance to the children's hospital at Eastern Panem University. There aren't any places around here that can give Prim the help she needs. That particular hospital has an entire floor dedicated to helping and treating mental health disorders in children. The doctors say that she'll be there at least a minimum of seven days."

"Well, can we at least go visit her? I want to see her and talk to her!"

"Actually, we have to bring her some clothes and personal items on Thursday. They have strict restrictions on what she can have so we have to choose clothes without strings and none of her personal items can be sharp. You can come with us when we go if you want to, but I don't know if the rules for children under eighteen apply there too. They didn't say. Maybe they will let you at least say hi to her."

"Oh," I sigh. "Okay. Maybe."

My mom wraps her arms around me in a hug and holds me. "We're gonna get through this Katniss. Prim isn't dead. Thank God for that! She's in a safe place and now she's going to get the help she needs. We just have to be there for her and support her so that she can get better."
She presses a kiss to my forehead. "We should try to get a few hours' sleep if we can."

"Yeah I guess so. Goodnight mom!"

"Goodnight! I love you!"

For the first time in my life, I don't feel good hearing that. All I can think about is would she still be saying that to me if she knew the truth?

I don't know if she would, but the way I feel about her hasn't changed so I reply, "Love you too mom!"

The rest of the night passes by slowly as I try to squeeze in a few hours of precious sleep before I'll have to get up and face the day. What sleep I do manage to get isn't restful or consistent. I wake up at least once every hour in a panic state as my brain tries to process what happened over the last twelve hours. No matter what I try to tell myself to stop the nightmares, the reality is that my life will never be the same again.

As I expected, my mom and dad don't expect or push me to go to school in the morning. Cressida calls me to see if I've decided to go or not but I tell her that I don't feel up to it. I know that she's worried about me, and I appreciate how much she cares, but I just can't face school, at least not today. She seems to understand this and promises to check on me when she can during her breaks throughout the day. She also tells me that she's going to stop by with Johanna after school.

I don't have the energy to do much during the day while my friends are in school so mostly I just lie around, watching mind numbing television, thinking about Prim and worrying about the whole situation and what the future will hold for me and our family.

"Wakey, wakey, Katniss!" Johanna rubs my back as her voice wakes me from yet another bad dream. I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep, but when I squint my eyes and glance at the time displayed on the DVD player I realize that I actually had managed to get almost three hours of uninterrupted sleep before she woke me. That's more than I have slept since the previous night.

"Mmmm... Hi." I yawn.

"It's time to get up and get a shower. If you don't you'll miss youth group."

I let out a long sigh. "I really don't..."

"Katniss I think you should go." I'm cut off by Mom who has just joined us in the living room.

"But Mom, I didn't even go to school today."

"I know honey, but it's not healthy for you to just stay on the couch and let the sadness and worry eat away at you. This isn't like school, you won't have any pressure or extra stress on you. You should go tonight with your friends; you never know, it might help you."

"Your mom's right Katniss, and we'll be with you the whole time. We're not going to leave your side," Cressida adds.

Johanna leans into me and whispers not so quietly in my ear, "That is, if you take a shower before we go."

"Jerk." I elbow her playfully.

"You know you love me!" she replies, giving me a wink.

"You're right, I do! Okay, okay, I guess I'll go. I don't know if it'll help, but if you all think it might, I'm willing to give it a try."

An hour and a half later, Johanna, Cressida, and I are in Mrs. Mason's SUV on our way to youth group at Panem Church of the Nazarene.

My family and I don't attend this church and neither does Cressida's family. It's where Johanna's family goes. Cressida and I only started coming to youth group with Johanna the previous year. She invited us because she knew that the churches we attend didn't have youth groups. Our three religions aren't exactly the same, but they are all forms of Christianity so they all have similar things in common. Normally we all enjoy attending every Wednesday evening, and we even joined the youth volleyball team that the church runs.

Tonight's youth group starts out the same way that they usually do, we all pray together and then we sing some worship songs together as a group. I make it through the prayers and the first song okay, but when the second song, Amazing Grace begins, I can feel my eyes fill with tears.

My voice breaks moments later, and both Johanna and Cressida immediately hear it. Cressida takes my right hand and Johanna my left as they both grip my hands tightly in theirs, willing me to hold on and stay with them.

With my friends at my sides, I try to convince myself that I'll be okay. Just as I'm finally beginning to think I'm okay, the third song, Lean On Me, begins.

It's then that I completely break. My legs give out from under me and I sink into the chair behind me to keep from falling to the ground. Both Cressida and Johanna sit down when I go down and they wrap their arms tightly around me. I've been upset since the previous evening when this whole thing began, but this is the first time I've given into the sadness that I'm feeling. This is the first time I've let myself completely fall apart.

My eyes are too clouded by my tears to know for sure, but I'm pretty sure that every eye in the building is on me now. I can feel the hands of some other people extending out to me. Others gather in close to see what they can do. I didn't realize so many people cared about me.

As the song finishes, Pastor Eric speaks out and immediately starts to pray for me and my friends and loved ones. He doesn't know what I'm so upset about, I haven't told anyone except my close friends, so the prayers are pretty generalized. Nevertheless, I'm grateful that he's saying them.

We don't sing anymore songs, and once I've calmed down, everyone returns to their seats. The pastor announces that the next activity he has planned for the night is a small group activity. Everyone is assigned a number ranging from one to six. Thankfully he gives Johanna, Cressida, and me all the same number, number four. I don't know what I'd do if I had to be separated from the only two people in the room who truly understand what I'm going through at the moment.

Pastor Eric gives one person in each group an activity packet and then sends each group to a different part of the church. Our group is sent upstairs to one of the Sunday school rooms. Gale, one of the juniors from our high school, is the leader of our group. I haven't known Gale very long. I just met him a couple of months ago during musical rehearsals. I was in the chorus and he was one of the male leads. He is a really talented singer.

Gale is also best friends with the Odair twins, Nick and Finnick, Finn for short. Finn and Nick are both sophomores, a year ahead of Johanna, Cressida, and me. Cressida is currently dating Nick, and our friend Annie is dating Finn. They are identical with bronze hair and tan skin, but we all have ways of telling them apart.

Once everyone has chosen a seat, Gale opens the packet and explains that it is an open-ended role playing activity. We each take turns going around the group answering and acting out responses to the prompts.

I can't be sure if it's something one person says or just a culmination of everything being said, but halfway through the activity I begin to break down again. Johanna and Cressida do their best to console me. I have my face pressed into Cressida's shoulder when I hear Gale's deep voice from in front of me.

"Come here, Katniss."

My friends guide me to stand up and when I do, Gale surprises me and pulls me into a firm embrace. I hesitate for a moment before returning the hug. Gale isn't an average sized guy. He's well over six feet tall and has a broad muscular frame. He has such a firm hold on me that I can't help but notice that he smells strongly of vanilla and sandalwood. The scent is calming. Gale doesn't loosen his hold as I would have expected. Instead he begins to pray out loud for me.

I didn't realize that there are so many caring and loving people around me. People that might actually be crushed if I committed suicide.

I still don't know for sure, but now I have to wonder... Maybe, just maybe I was right not to jump off that bridge last night?

I decide to return to school the following day so that I don't get too far behind in any of my classes, but I'll be the first to admit that I don't really pay much attention to any of my teachers that day. I don't know if it's more from the lack of sleep or more from everything else that I have on my mind, maybe it's both. I just can't seem to concentrate on school.

Thankfully the day goes by uneventfully for me. I think it helps knowing that today is the day I get to go with my mom to the hospital to take Prim her things. I can only hope they will let me see her. I haven't seen or talked to her since before we left for Cartwright's department store on Tuesday afternoon.

When I get home from school, my mom tells me that I can invite my friends if I'd like to. I decide that it might be a good idea, so I text both of them. Cressida tells me that she'd like to come, but Johanna has a doctors appointment of her own so she isn't able to come.

My mom and I get ready to go, and then swing by Cressida's house and pick her up on the way.

"Peeta's been asking about you," she tells me casually as we get on the interstate.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, I think he's noticed that you haven't been yourself. And I'm not positive, but I have a feeling that the twins might have spilled the beans to him about what happened at youth group last night."

"Oh." I stare out the window as the memory of nearly stopping at Peeta's house on the way home fills my mind.

"Don't worry! I didn't tell him or the twins anything. All they know is that you were upset."

"Okay, yeah. Thanks! I trust you. I know you won't say anything without talking to me first."

"Nope. Not a word. It's up to you on what you do and don't want him to know."

"Thanks Cressida. I'll probably tell him eventually, I'm just not sure when," I tell her.

It's a twenty-five minute drive from Cressida's house to the hospital at Eastern Panem University. I feel extremely anxious the whole way, not knowing if I'll be able to see my sister today or not. I know it's only been about 48 hours since I saw her last, but I guess I just need to see for myself that she's alright.

My mother has to sign in on the main floor before we are permitted to go up to the children's psychiatric ward on the sixth floor. Then the three of us ride the elevator up to the sixth floor together.

As the doors open to the sixth floor, I immediately realize that we are on a high security floor. There are guards stationed near the elevator and at various places on the floor. My mom leads us to the nurse's station and they ask to search the bag we've brought for Prim right away. We watch as they literally take everything out and apart to check for things that Prim might be able to use to harm herself. They even turn her clothes inside out to make sure nothing is hidden there. Once the bag and its contents are deemed safe, a guard takes the bag from the nurse and asks us to follow him down a long hallway flanked with windows on all sides. At the end of the hallway is a large metal door with no handle. The guard swipes his badge over a scanner on the wall and then another nurse opens the door to greet us.

Moments later my hopes are crushed when the nurse asks my mom how old Cressida and I are. I know what she's getting at before she even says it. We aren't going to be able to see Prim because we aren't 18 or older.

I don't understand. I know that Prim is going through a lot right now and has a long recovery ahead of her so she doesn't need a lot of distractions from visitors, but I'm her sister for crying out loud! I just want to see her for myself, say hi and maybe give her a hug if I can! I don't think that's too much to ask for! I guess these people don't realize how hard this is on me too!

I feel Cressida place her hand on my shoulder, but I am so angry with these people who are keeping me from my sister that I can't even think straight. I glare at the nurse in anger, shake my head and turn around and head back down the hallway. I remember seeing a line of chairs along the wall when we got off the elevator and I decide that I'll just wait in one of them until my mom gets done visiting with my sister.

Cressida must have followed me all the way because only a few seconds pass before she has a seat in the chair on my right. "I'm really sorry Katniss! I don't know what else to say other than this situation totally sucks! I would have understood if it was family only and they didn't want me to see her, but you're her older sister!"

"I know right! I just want to go back home. I never should have come. This just turned out to be a huge disappointment!" I sound as defeated as I feel as I bend down, resting my elbows on my knees and my chin in my cupped hands.

"Aww Katniss I know! I wish there was something I could do to help you!" she tells me sympathetically as she rubs soothing circles into my back. "I feel so helpless."

"I wish there was something that would help too." My eyes fill with tears and I don't try to hold them back. What's the point? I watch them fall one by one to the carpeted floor between my feet.

About twenty long minutes pass before I hear my mom calling my name from the other end of the hallway. I slowly stand up, thinking my mom should be coming this way so that we can go back home but instead she calls me. "Katniss, can you please come back down here?"

I don't really want to walk back down there, seeing as how I can't even see my sister, but I don't want to cause a scene by arguing with my mother so I do as she asks. Cressida walks beside me.

As I come around the curve leading to the door with no handle, I notice that my mom is standing on this side of the door, but it has been left a jar and there are two people standing in the opening, one adult and one child my sister's size.

Wait! I blink my eyes to make sure I'm seeing clearly. That is my sister!

"Prim!" I shout as my voice breaks and tears cloud my vision.

I can't help myself, I run the rest of the way to her and wrap my arms around her shoulders tightly. I don't even know what to say. What do you say to your baby sister who is trying to end her own life?

So many emotions come to mind with so many things I want to say to her, happiness, relief, love, anger... but I can't get a single word out so I try to put all my emotions into this one hug. I don't even know how long her doctor will let it last but I'll take what I can get for now.

As we finally pull apart I get a good look at Prim for the first time. She's wearing two hospital gowns, one forward and one backward, and blue slipper socks on her feet. Her hair is down but I can tell she's recently been lying down since it looks like it needs a brush ran through it. One thing I didn't expect to see are the bandages running from the smallest parts of her wrists to just a few inches below her elbows. I know what those bandages mean... Prim is cutting again too.

We exchange awkward hellos and "I love yous" and Cressida gives Prim a quick hug as well before her doctor tells us it's time to say goodbye and ushers her back out of sight behind the door.

I turn to my mom to ask for an explanation of what just happened but she already knows what I'm about to ask.

"I was talking with her doctor and when I mentioned that you were here with me and how hard this has been on you he told me that he would allow a very short meeting between you two at the door, but you wouldn't be allowed to go in. I told him you would like that a lot! Are you okay after seeing her like that sweetie?"

She's genuinely concerned. I can see it on her face.

"I don't know what I was expecting exactly, but that wasn't it. I didn't... I wasn't... Mom I didn't know she was cutting again! You didn't tell me that!" I say as a warm tear rolls down my cheek.

My mom's eyes begin to tear up as she pulls me into her embrace. "She umm... She did that before she swallowed the pills, and then she started picking at them in the hospital and making them open up and bleed more, so they ended up putting her in soft restraints. I should have said something sooner but I didn't want to worry you even more. I'm sorry Katniss!"

The ride back home is pretty quiet. We don't say much. I don't know about my mom and Cressida but I'm just trying to process everything. This is all too much!

I never should have left Prim home alone on Tuesday...

This never would have happened if I had just stayed home with her...

What kind of sister am I?

That night when I close my bedroom door I have my first complete emotional breakdown by myself. Eventually, I cry myself to sleep in the early hours of the morning.

Learning what I did that afternoon about Prim at Eastern Panem University Medical Center only made me feel even worse about myself and the fact that it's my fault because I didn't prevent this when I could have.

By the next morning, I've completely lost my appetite. I have no interest in anything, even the foods that used to be my favorites. That day turns out to be the first day of my very own downward spiral.

I find myself only eating small portions of food here and there so that my friends and family don't start to worry about me too. I convince myself that it's working for a while, but eventually I think they start to notice. I begin losing weight rapidly and it isn't long before my pants begin to sag on my hips. I also notice that my face is thinning too quickly for normal weight loss.

The one thing I am able to hide from everyone is the fact that I am now crying myself to sleep every single night.

I am pretty much able to hold myself together during the day, but each night when I climb into bed and turn my CD player on, all the emotions that I hold back around everyone come pouring out so intensely that some nights I nearly make myself sick. I end up crying so hard that I start choking and can barely breathe.

It would probably be better for me to listen to uplifting songs, but for some reason I just can't. All I can seem to bring myself to listen to are the same few songs over and over, Hero by Mariah Carey, This I Promise You by N'sync and Lean On Me by Bill Withers.

I know that crying myself to sleep every night isn't healthy, but at the same time, I can't bring myself to care about that or to stop doing it.

Cressida and Johanna are the first ones to notice that since Prim's last suicide attempt, I have begun spiraling downwards and shutting myself out of everything and away from everyone. They both make daily efforts to include me in whatever they are doing and in their conversations but I'm so afraid that I'll cause them pain like I did with my family that I do my best to come up with excuses to be alone.

I'm also still convinced that I don't deserve such amazing friends like them.

Why would I? I can't think of any reasons.

Prim's doctors allow her to return home two weeks after her suicide attempt, but things at home are far from back to our old normal. She's not as open and talkative as she was before and when I try to have a sister to sister talk with her about why she lied to me about being fine and then did what she did, she completely refuses to talk to me about it.

I understand that she's been through a lot over the last few weeks, but then again, so have I and so have our parents. It makes me feel even worse knowing that I can't talk to her. She's my sister, if I don't even have her to talk to, who can I talk to?

Since she won't talk to me about what she did that evening, I sure don't want to bring up what I almost did. That would probably just make things more tense between the two of us. I still haven't admitted it to my parents either. I haven't figured out the best way to tell them without causing more strain on our family. I don't think there is a good way to tell them, honestly. Maybe I should just keep it bottled up inside. That's probably for the best.

I thought that having Prim home would help me to feel better and that maybe I would get my appetite back and stop crying myself to sleep at night, but I was very wrong. As April leads into May, my weight continues to drop rapidly and with my now very baggy clothes I can't hide it any longer. Prim doesn't really say much to me these days, but my mom is really starting to worry about me.

I wake up from a nap one evening on the couch to find my mom sitting in the chair across from me with a very worried expression on her face.

"Katniss, I'm really getting worried about you! You've been practically starving yourself since Prim's suicide attempt and I'm worried that you're making yourself sick because of everything that's going on."

"Mom, I'm just not hungry! Honest!" I confess.

"But you're hardly eating anything at all! It's only been a couple of weeks and your pants are sagging off your hips. It's good to lose weight but not like this! It's not healthy! Is that what you're trying to do? Starve yourself to lose weight?"

"Mom! No, I'm not! I'm just not hungry, okay!" I can't believe she's insinuating that I have an eating disorder.

"Katniss, if you don't start eating normally again you're going to end up in the hospital just like your sister was! Is that what you want?" Her voice is breaking as tears run down her cheeks and it hurts me to think that I'm causing her to feel like this. That was never my intention. After all, she has her hands full enough with helping my sister to get better.

My eyes begin to tear up too.

"Please don't do this Katniss!" She's crying now and it's breaking me to see my mom like this. "I'll make you whatever you feel like eating or I'll go get something! Just tell me what you'll eat!"

"I'm sorry mom! I didn't mean to upset you!" I stand up and give her a hug, as we both cry on each other's shoulder.

After that evening I try to eat more so that my mom doesn't worry so much, but it's not easy because I still don't have an appetite. I know this isn't a good sign but I don't know how to get my appetite back on my own.

The next morning at school I discover that my mom isn't the only one who is now extremely worried about me. Apparently, my friends Cressida and Johanna have also noticed that I haven't been eating over the last few weeks. They've also noticed that I have been isolating myself from all the things that I used to like to do, like hanging out with them after school and going to my favorite hang outs like the movies, the park, and the library.

"Katniss, what's going on?" Cressida's concerned voice snaps me out of my current unfocused state. "I know that this isn't easy for you with everything going on with Prim, but you're not eating and you're completely isolating yourself at home. We're really worried about you. Please talk to us!"

"I'm sorry!" I confess as I press my back against my closed locker and slowly sink into a sitting position on the floor in front of it.

Cressida immediately copies my actions and sinks to the floor in front of her locker, the one right next to mine. She brings her left arm up and around my shoulders pulling me into her side. "Katniss, please look at me."

Slowly I turn my head so that we are face to face. Her facial expression matches her voice perfectly... She is extremely worried and that's all my fault too.

"You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Okay?

If only she knew the whole story…

"The reason that Johanna and I are so worried is because you are our best friend! Heck, we're basically sisters. It's what we do! Right?"

I manage a half smile and give her a slight nod in response.

"Exactly! And when one of us is struggling we are always there for each other. Right now you're going through a lot, we both know that, and we are going to be here with you every step of the way. You're not alone, Katniss."

Johanna closes her locker and sinks to the floor on my left side, draping her arm around my back as she joins us. "Cressida is right. You can't get rid of us that easily. If you're going to camp out in your room twenty-four seven, well then I guess we are going to have to join you!"

I manage a little chuckle at the thought of all three of us staying in my room around the clock for an unknown amount of days or weeks or even months. It sure would be interesting knowing us!

Cressida gives my shoulders a little squeeze. "We know that it's going to take time, and that you won't feel better overnight, but please remember that you can talk to either one of us about anything!"

I give her another nod. "I know, thanks you guys!"

"I'm sure you can talk to your parents too. Have you talked to them about how all of this is affecting you yet?"

I shift my gaze back to the floor in front of me as my fingers pull at a couple loose threads on my shirt sleeve. "Umm... Well not exactly. My dad hasn't said much to me about any of it and my mom...umm..."

"Your mom what Katniss?" Johanna presses. "Did she say something to you?"

"Yeah, she did. Last night. She's noticed that I haven't been eating much lately and she wanted to know why. I tried to explain that I just don't have an appetite anymore but I'm not sure that she completely believed me. She was wondering if I am starving myself on purpose. Can you believe that?" I close my eyes in an attempt to stop the tears from forming but it's too late.

It hurts to think that now my mom thinks I have an eating disorder. I don't think anyone really understands what I'm going through right now. I feel like I'm literally being crushed by the weight of the whole situation. It's getting heavier and more painful by the day and I don't know how much longer I can survive under the crushing weight.

I don't see it, but I can sense that Cressida and Johanna are exchanging glances behind me. They don't believe that too, do they?

"Katniss, your mom isn't the only one who has noticed how much weight you've lost recently. We've noticed too." Cressida takes a deep breath and then continues. "How long ago did you lose your appetite?"

"Umm... I guess it was right around Prim's last suicide attempt. The day after we went to take her things to the hospital was the first day I didn't feel like eating anything at all."

"Kat, that was weeks ago! You haven't eaten in weeks?" Johanna exclaims. I can hear both the shock and the sadness at hearing my confession in her voice.

I can't even bring myself to make eye contact with either one of them. I'm afraid of what I'll see. Deep down, I know this isn't good at all but I feel powerless to stop it. "Yeah, I mean no, I mean I've just not eaten much at all. Just real small amounts here and there"

"Oh Katniss, we didn't know! I mean we knew that this has been very difficult on you but we didn't know it was making you sick like this," Johanna confesses. "This isn't healthy!"

"I understand that what you are going through is hard, maybe not on a personal level, but I can imagine!" Cressida adds. "But you have to eat something Katniss even if it's a few little meals a day, something to get the nutrients you need in your body! We don't want to see you get sick over this!"

Warm tears make their way down my cheeks as I try to come up with a response. I don't have any luck though.

"Have you thought about maybe talking to someone about what you're feeling and what you're going through?" Cressida asks calmly. I can tell she's approaching this topic sensitively as not to upset me even more.

"Like a psychiatrist?"

"Umm, yeah maybe a psychiatrist or a counselor. Someone who has experience in coping with situations like this. It might help you to talk to someone Katniss."

I stare at the wall to avoid making eye contact with them. They think I should talk to a shrink? I understand why my sister needs to talk to one, but me? Am I really that bad that I need to see a psychiatrist?

"Katniss, please don't take it the wrong way! I'm only suggesting this because I care too much about you to see you going through so much pain and heartache. I would do anything to help you! I'm here for you no matter what. If you feel like talking I'm here to listen, and if you want to think about talking to someone like a professional I will support you the whole way! We're family Katniss! We may not be blood but blood doesn't always make a family! You're basically a sister to me and that's what sisters do!"

I think about her words for a few minutes... She's right. As much as it scares me to say it, I know deep down that's she's right.

At lunch that day, Cressida invites me to go with her and her mom to Nick and Finn's away basketball game that evening. Johanna really wants to go with us but her parents made plans for her family and she can't get out of them. The game is at a high school two cities over but her mom offers to drive me. I had planned to just spend the night at home, but she seems to really want me to go with her so I promise her I will. Maybe it will help her and my mom not to worry so much about me if I get out of the house and do something that they would consider normal.

Cressida arranges with me to be ready by 5:00 PM that evening so that we will have time to get a bite to eat with her mom before the game, but things don't turn out exactly as planned. 5:00 PM comes and goes but Mrs. Mellark and Cressida don't show up at my house. About ten minutes after five I get a text message from Cressida saying that they'll be there in just a couple minutes. I figure that they are just running behind but when a vehicle pulls in our driveway I notice right away that it's not their family SUV and it's not Mrs. Mellark behind the wheel. The vehicle is a white Chevy Cavalier and the driver is Cressida's cousin Peeta.

Peeta shuts off his car and both Cressida and Peeta come to the door.

"Hey Katniss! There's been a bit of a change of plans. Right before we were going to leave, my parents got a call from my uncle, my mom's brother, and my parents had to go over to their house. My mom suggested seeing if Peeta wanted to go to the game with us and if he would drive us, and when I called him he said sure. Is that okay with you?"

With Peeta standing right there it would be rude for me to say no if I didn't feel it was okay with me, but honestly I don't mind that he's coming with us. I've been telling myself over the last few weeks that I need to tell him about what's going on, but I haven't been able to gain the courage to do so. Maybe tonight will be the chance that I've been waiting for to talk to him.

In fact, now that I think about it, I've barely spoken to Peeta much over the last couple weeks. I guess I've been avoiding him, but I can't avoid him forever. He's my friend, I need to be honest with him.

Actually, maybe this will be a good time for me to tell them both the truth about what I almost did on that bridge.

After I tell my parents that Peeta will be taking us instead, I grab my sweatshirt and purse and follow my friends out the door. Once we are out on the porch, both Cressida and Peeta take turns embracing me in a hug. Maybe tonight will turn out okay, I think.

It's about a forty minute drive from my house to Eastwood Hills High School, the school that the away basketball game is at. Because we are running late already, we decide to forgo going out to eat and go through the drive thru at a local burger restaurant instead. We all get burgers, fries, and shakes to take with us to munch on at the game.

The home games at Panem Central High School are always crowded. The varsity basketball team always has a lot of support from the students, faculty, and families. But it's not unusual for the visitors section at away games to be somewhat empty. A lot of families don't travel to all of the different high schools for the games.

The three of us eat our supper as the game gets underway. I notice that Cressida is watching me out of the corner of my eye, and while the glances are somewhat uncomfortable and unwelcome, I really can't blame her for keeping an eye on me. Not after everything I confessed to her earlier today. She's worried. All of my friends are and so is my mom, and it's my fault.

As the game gets closer to halftime, the Panem Bearcats take a pretty significant fourteen point lead over the Eastwood Hills Eagles.

"You're awfully quiet tonight Kat," Peeta says with a hint of worry in his voice.

I guess I have been. I mean I'm watching the game like everyone else, but I haven't really said much to Cressida or Peeta since we got here. Being here with the two of them on either side of me is only causing the guilt to intensify for all that I'm keeping from them.

Cressida and Peeta are two of my three closest friends and they deserve the truth. I've been keeping my deepest darkest secret from everyone for weeks now, and the longer I wait, the more it's eating me up inside. It's starting to feel like this secret has a hammer and it's banging hard on the inside of my skull, trying to find a way out into the open. Maybe I should just get it over with and tell them...

Cressida brings her left arm up and drapes it over my shoulders, pulling me close and into her side. "What are you thinking about right now sister? I mean I know that the Odair's are hot, especially Nick!" She gives me a wink as Peeta smiles and shakes his head. "But in all seriousness, though, what's going through your head? You're much more quiet that you normally are at these games."

I guess this is my chance now; either I gather some courage and tell them or I continue to let this eat me up inside forever.

The worried looks on both of their faces decide it for me. I need to do this now, no matter how difficult it is. "I umm..."

This isn't easy at all. But I push on. The longer I wait, the worse it will be.

"I haven't been completely honest with either of you over the last few weeks. I mean I haven't lied exactly but I've been hiding my deepest darkest secret from you. From everyone." Warm tears spill from my eyes as I push forward.

Cressida tightens her hold on my shoulders and begs, "Please Katniss, just tell us. Whatever this is, we'll find a way to get through it."

So I do. I tell them everything that happened on the walk home, from nearly stopping to ask Peeta for a ride to continuing on home after my almost-suicide attempt on the Panem River bridge.

Peeta grabs my left hand in his as I tell him about not feeling like I should bother him for a ride and doesn't let go.

By the time I finish confessing everything that I've been hiding from them, I'm not sure if I've done the right thing or not. They are both still holding onto me, but I can't tell what they are thinking. The looks on their faces are a mixture of shock and confusion.

"What? Wait... Katniss... You're what?" Cressida seems to be in disbelief. I'm guessing that Peeta is probably feeling the same.

"What are you... Are you telling us you're suicidal Katniss?" Peeta questions in shock. It's as if he's trying to confirm that he heard what I just confessed correctly.

Cressida is shaking her head at me now. Her shocked expression is quickly morphing into one of disappointment and anger. I can't blame her. I can't even imagine how I would feel if we were in each other's shoes right now.

"No… No… This isn't… How could you? Why would you do something like that to us? And to your family?" Cressida inquires.

My heart breaks at these questions. I can't answer them though.

"What made you...why did you think that killing yourself...ending your life was the best option?" Peeta adds.

"What were you thinking?" Cressida is breaking now too. I've never caused her this much pain before. I never intended to cause her this kind of pain now. She doesn't deserve this. Neither of them do.

Peeta seems so crushed. I've never seen him cry before but right now he's on the brink of tears and it's all my fault. I've hurt him badly. I've hurt both of them badly. "You could have come to us Katniss! We're always here for you Katniss! You know that!"

"I don't know what I would have done if you had... If you were gone! You're a sister to me Katniss! We're...we're more than best friends! Why... Why didn't you tell us?" It's the last question that Cressida gets out before she begins sobbing hysterically. She bends forward and cups her right hand over her mouth as she chokes out her sobs. It's likely that people are staring at us but I can't bring myself to care about that.

Peeta doesn't let go of my left hand but he drops his gaze. He's crying too and he can't bear to even look at me. I don't blame him, they don't deserve this, they deserve better! I don't even want to look at me right now! I'm ashamed of myself. What kind of person does this to her best friends?

I can never forgive myself!

All three of us continue crying for a few minutes until we calm down a little.

I'm so down on myself that I don't expect or see the next moments coming. Without warning, I am embraced tightly from both sides. Both Peeta and Cressida are holding onto me so tightly that it seems like they are now afraid that if they let go I will disappear from their lives forever.

"I'm so sorry Katniss!" Cressida exclaims.

"I am too!" Peeta adds.

"I'm sorry for being so harsh! I was out of line! I'm shocked and I can't believe that you kept this from us but you're obviously going through a tough time right now and yelling at you isn't going to get us anywhere! It isn't helping anything or anyone!" Cressida apologizes, wiping the lingering tears from her eyes and cheeks.

"I am too Katniss!" Peeta adds. "And we're really sorry that our emotions are all over the place right now! It's just... We care so much about you and we never expected anything like this! We didn't see this coming. We know you've been depressed since the day that this all started but we thought it was just because of everything going on with Prim and the stress at home."

I try to swallow the lump that has formed in my throat but it does nothing. If anything the lump just gets bigger. I don't know how to respond to all of their questions.

Cressida's gaze meets my own. "What... I mean, Katniss please tell me this, okay? Are you... Are you still wanting to harm yourself or thinking about ending your life?"

I blink. I can't say I didn't expect this question to come up sooner or later. That doesn't make it any easier to answer though. "I don't... I mean I'm not thinking about hurting myself or attempting suicide right now, no."

Peeta rubs his hand up and down my back. "Okay! That's good, Katniss! We're really glad to know that!"

"Definitely Kat! I'd do anything for you! You're my best friend! You're my sister! If you're hurting I'm hurting too!" She pulls me in for another hug. "I love you Kat!"

"I love you too Cressida!"

"I love you both!" Peeta says as he gives me a smile that just seems so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of shyness that unexpected warmth rushes through me.

"Okay, so Katniss, now that all of this is out in the open, or between the three of us I should say, how do you feel? Are you okay after reliving all of those memories for us?" Cressida asks.

I pause for a few moments, looking over at the scoreboard. Since the second half of the game started, the Bearcats have increased their lead to a whopping twenty-one points. I begin to feel guilty for distracting Cressida from the game. After all, the whole reason she came tonight was to watch her boyfriend play ball.

"I uh, I'm glad that I was finally able to tell someone about all of this. It was making it worse keeping this secret bottled up inside."

"Wait," Peeta stops me. "You mean you haven't told your parents any of this yet?"

"No! No way, I can't tell them! At least not now! This is too much to add to everything else they are dealing with! It would kill them!"

Peeta looks taken aback. "But Katniss, you're their daughter too! They can help you or get you some help just like they did with Prim! I know they wouldn't ever want to lose you! That would kill them a whole lot faster than you admitting you need their help. That's what parents are for!"

"Peeta... I just can't, okay?"

"Please tell me that you'll at least consider it? Okay. If not tonight or tomorrow, maybe in a few days? They really should know about this."

I know he's not going to let this go. "Okay, I'll... I'll think about it."

"Okay," both Peeta and Cressida reply in unison.

I don't think I'll ever be able to tell them, though. I don't tell Peeta or Cressida that, however.

"I'm sorry that I caused you both to miss so much of the game, I know that's why you wanted to come..." I begin to apologize but I don't get to finish.

Cressida grips my hand firmly and cuts me off, "Stop! Okay! Don't even think about that!"

"But I know the reason you came was to watch Nick play!" I try to argue.

"You have absolutely nothing to apologize for, do you hear me? Yeah, okay so I wanted to watch Nick play in the game, but that wasn't the only reason I came tonight. I wanted to spend time with you Kat! I don't regret even one tiny bit that we spent most of the time talking about everything that's going on with you. You know, even before you said any of this tonight I had a feeling that there was something more going on than you were letting on but I didn't know what. I want to help you Katniss! In any way I can! It's what we do, right?"

I manage a small smile for her. "Right."

"And don't for a minute think that any silly basketball game would come between us. You are way more important to me than any game, even my boyfriend's game! It's like they say, sisters before misters!"

I give her another smile. "Okay."

That night after the game, both Peeta and Cressida seem to be truly afraid to leave me. I tell them that I don't feel suicidal anymore but I don't think that is enough to reassure them. My not telling them about this for several weeks has surely weakened their trust in me at least a little bit. I don't think my parents would go for Peeta sleeping over but when Cressida asks to spend the night they gladly welcome her over. I'm sure my mom is glad that I'm spending time with my friends again.

The following day after school, with help from both Cressida and Peeta, I tell Johanna everything that I told them the night before. She takes it pretty much the same way they did. She's a bit angrier than they were at first but that's just her personality. She's so worried about me that the thought that she was so close to losing me sends her over the emotional edge. It's not long before we are crying in each other's arms though. That night, Johanna sleeps over.

I may not have asked my parents for the emotional help I most likely need but they get it for me anyways. Two days after telling Cressida and Peeta about everything that unfolded on that awful April day, I come home from school to find out that my mother contacted our family doctor and explained what she knew was going on with me. Our doctor suggests that I go and speak to a therapist. I don't get a choice in the matter. My mom says I have to go whether I like it or not.

Within a week I am headed to my first appointment with a psychotherapist by the name of Dr. Aurelius. I am very reluctant to go to my first therapy session. I don't even know this person and I am going to be expected to open up to them, to tell them all about what I am thinking and feeling.

I don't think I can do this at all.

I mean, it took me weeks to even open up to my best friends. And I've know them a lot longer than this Dr. Aurelius.

As I expected going into my first session, it doesn't go well at all. He asks me question after question but I only answer a few of them calmly. I end up breaking down in tears within the first ten minutes and spend the rest of the one hour session trying to calm down, only to be upset again by another overwhelming or personal question.

Dr. Aurelius ends the session by reassuring me that the way I am feeling is not uncommon, especially after the first session. He says that he understands that it's difficult to open up to someone you don't know about personal events and feelings, especially the kinds of things and the emotional trauma I've been through.

After I get home that evening, all three of my best friends call me to check on me. They all understand why I'm so upset, but I can still hear the heartbreak in their voices. It hurts them to know what kind of emotional state I am in and how upsetting therapy was for me today.

Johanna and Cressida both tell me they want to come over and be with me for the night but I reassure them that I'll be okay and tell them that I just feel like sleeping. It's the truth. I'm not lying to them. Today has just been an exhausting day all around.

The next day after school, Peeta invites me to hang out with him for a while. This is the first time the two of us are spending time by ourselves since that awful April day. All the other times we've hung out since then, Cressida and sometimes Johanna have been with us.

We don't do anything real exciting, but it's nice to hang out just the two of us again. We go out to eat and then head down to the walking trail in the Metro Parks. We walk for about a mile in one direction before turning around and heading back to where Peeta parked his car. While we walk, we talk about basically anything and everything. We talk some about school, some about what's going on with me and my family, some about what he's been working on at his family's bakery, and have some discussions about life in general.

I enjoy talking with Peeta a lot. We understand each other in a way I've never understood a guy my own age before.

Over the next few weeks I continue going to therapy once a week. During the second session, Dr. Aurelius tells me that he wants me to start taking Prozac once a day. I don't like the idea, especially at first, but he tells me that he believes it will help. Eventually I give in and decide to give the medicine a chance.

The second and third sessions are very similar to the first one in that they are very emotional for me and I have a hard time answering his questions. I don't really know how to accurately express what I'm feeling or how to deal with those feelings and emotions.

Nevertheless, Dr. Aurelius reassures me that with time it'll get easier. My parents also support me and reassure me of that as well.

Peeta, Cressida and Johanna stay by my side through it all. Some days I swear we are all attached at the hip. When I'm struggling and going through my bad days, they practically never leave me alone. Sometimes I do want to be alone and not feel pressured to talk to anyone but it somewhat surprises me that most of the time I feel comforted in not being alone when I am down. Depressed and suicidal thoughts can be truly terrifying and it's a real comfort to know that if I am having them, my true friends and family won't let anything bad happen to me. In my darkest hours, they make me feel safe. They remind me that I am loved.

Sometime in my fourth or fifth session with Dr. Aurelius, I begin to slowly realize that he may be right about everything eventually getting easier. As time goes on, the sessions begin to help me to open up about my feelings and get them out in the open. It feels like the weights are slowly being lifting off my chest and I begin to feel a little better.

Dr. Aurelius eventually encourages me to start keeping a journal. I begin writing in it almost daily. At first the entries and drawings are somewhat worrisome to him because they are so dark and negative, but I bring it with me to every session and we discuss together what I've entered in the journal and my feelings and thoughts about each entry and why I wrote or drew each thing.

As time goes on, the drawings and negative journal entries turn into more positive ones. I even start adding inspirational quotes and bible verses that I find to be helpful to me.

With Dr. Aurelius' help and the love and support from my family and close friends, my self-worth begins to increase and my self-esteem begins to improve.

Most especially through the first few months after that awful day in April, there are still many bad moments and days that punctuate the good days and weeks. I do notice, however, that as time goes on, the bad days start becoming outnumbered by the good days. With the support and love of my family and three best friends, I am able to push through the bad times so that I can enjoy the good times. As the weeks turn into months I realize that it is possible that life can be good again and that I shouldn't give up on a life that hasn't given up on me.

~EPILOGUE~FOURTEEN YEARS LATER~

Looking back on my life fourteen years ago, I never saw a future for myself. I came within inches of ending my life and struggled for months and months to regain my self-worth and my self-esteem.

In the beginning, after that awful day in April 2001, what I thought about myself was so negative that I didn't think I deserved anyone's love or friendship, even the love of my own family. That spring was beyond a doubt the darkest months of my life. I closed myself off from everyone. I didn't want to hurt them like I was hurting. I felt that if I couldn't even protect and watch over my younger sister, how could I be a good daughter for my parents or a good friend to my friends? I felt that I wasn't deserving of their love or friendship and that they deserved better than me.

But over time, my therapist helped me to realize that what my sister was doing to herself was out of my control and that I couldn't completely stop her. He helped me to realize that I wasn't to blame for her actions. Granted, I know now that I never should have left her at home alone and I should have said something to my mom about how my gut feeling suspected that something wasn't right, but at the time I was naive and I couldn't see the future. I didn't realize things could or would get as bad as they did. I've learned so much since then, and I've also forgiven myself.

Another thing I learned through my journey of recovery and therapy is that it takes ten times longer to put yourself back together than it does to fall apart. It's been a long road but I haven't been traveling it alone.

Confiding in my three best friends and my parents saved my life. If it wasn't for my family, especially my mom, and my friends Cressida, Johanna, and Peeta, I honestly don't know where I would be today.

Prim ended up getting the help she needed as well and is now doing great things in the nation's military. She never attempted suicide again after that night but she fought her own long, personal battle to get back to being herself again.

One thing that still bothers me to this day is that I can't talk to her about anything regarding what either of us went through. I've never been able to talk to her about what she was feeling and thinking during those months and she doesn't know most of what I felt or experienced either. Nevertheless, I'm very proud of her and of how she has turned her life around since that night. She's been dating a man she met in the service and I'm pretty sure he's going to ask her to marry him very soon.

My parents and I have always had a good relationship, especially my mom. If anything, the events of that spring in 2001 brought us even closer together. I tell my mom practically everything. There is still one major exception though. I have never been able to tell either of my parents about the walk home that night or my near suicide attempt. Some part of me has always felt guilty for that but I just couldn't bring myself to tell them.

Johanna moved across the United States after high school but we continue to be good friends to this day. We visit each other once in a while and talk on the phone and via Skype often.
As for Cressida and Peeta, well, I'm happy to say that I am now officially a Mellark too. Peeta and I began dating my sophomore year of high school and two years after I graduated we were married. We enjoyed married life together for three years and then started our own family in 2009. Our daughter, who is a mini me with Peeta's striking blue eyes, was born late that fall and then our son followed three years later. He is a mini Peeta with my steel gray eyes. They are total opposites in just about every way, but they are the closest brother and sister I have ever seen. Peeta and I are truly blessed.

Cressida is now a cousin by marriage and still remains my best friend to this day. She is also the godmother of my children. They call her auntie Cressida because she basically is their aunt. She and Nick married five years ago and are now expecting their first children, a set of identical twin girls. As Nick and Finn always liked to say, twins have more fun. I'm very excited, because now I get to be an aunt!

I continued seeing Dr. Aurelius once a week for about a year but eventually my sessions with him came to an end. He felt like I was doing well and didn't need the therapy any longer. About a year after that, I decided to stop taking the Prozac. I didn't like the cloudy feeling it was giving me.

I still have days where I feel down for no good reason and I have some flashbacks once in a while, particularly when I hear something or see something that is a depression or suicide trigger for me, but thankfully those moments are now pretty rare. When I do have them, both my parents, Peeta, Cressida, and Johanna are always there for me. They give me time, love, and support. And they always reassure me of what I learned years before, life can be good again. For me, it finally is good again.

Thank you for reading! Please take a moment to leave a review! The reviews motivate me to want to write even more Everlark stories!