Disclaimer: This is a transformative work of fiction. It is purely for entertainment purpose – not for profit. Based on the original creation of E. Kripke.
A/N: Spoilers for everything up to and including 5.02. There is a theory afoot that Dean never told Sam that he broke the first seal. I always just assumed that Dean had told Sam, but in this story he hadn't… Inspired by the songs "Golden Slumber/Carry That Weight/End" from Abbey Road. "End" was where I started, but the three songs are generally considered to be one. You can find it on YouTube…
And In The End…
Dean should have realized that Sam would hole up at Bobby's. Bobby had practically invited him when he absolved him of any wrong-doing. And Dean knew that at the end of the day, Sam was doing exactly what he was doing himself: making sure that Bobby was okay – or at least as okay as he was likely to be without the use of his legs.
Bobby was actually managing pretty well. He was as crusty and curmudgeonly as always – well, if Dean were really truthful, Bobby's usual "act" had a harder and slightly more bitter edge to it, but who could blame him? Dean had wanted to see with his own eyes that Bobby had made it home from the hospital in one piece, and he needed some information and Bobby's library was the best source.
So Dean shouldn't have been surprised when Sam was the one to answer the door when Dean knocked. Nor was he surprised that Bobby hadn't mentioned that Sam was there when he'd last spoken to Bobby on the phone.
The brothers exchanged "Heys", and then Dean followed Sam into the kitchen. Bobby was apparently "resting".
Habit had Dean evaluating his brother. Sam looked okay. Well, he seemed a bit agitated, but Dean was getting used to that. The main thing was that he didn't look strung out; he looked reasonably well-rested.
The tension between them was still palpable, however.
"How long you been here?" Dean asked, leaning up against the counter.
"I swung by the hospital about the time they were ready to discharge Bobby, so it seemed like the right thing to do, to bring him home. Then he asked me to stay for a bit. 'Til he gets settled."
"Oh. Great. Good idea." Dean licked his lips and ducked his chin in acknowledgement.
"Yeah. Bobby's keeping a close eye on me," Sam's voice took on a bitter edge.
"Not the point. I meant good for Bobby," Dean sighed, eyes looking anywhere but at his brother.
Sam huffed and looked anywhere but at Dean.
"So, Bobby and I've been doing some research. Research into the seals that were broken. Looking for patterns and such," Sam broke the awkward silence, his breath coming a bit quickly.
"Uh-huh." Dean was pretty sure he knew where this was going. "Something on your mind, Sam?"
"Were you ever planning on telling me Dean? Telling my that you are just as guilty for Lucifer being out as I am? That you STARTED this whole mess? That YOU, perfect, God-chosen YOU were the one to begin this whole mess?" Sam's voice rose as his anger began to get the better of him.
"You still don't get it do you?" Dean said quietly.
"Get that you lie and screw up just as much as I do, yet all this is still MY fault?"
"I've never said that it was all your fault. I never said that I wasn't guilty. I never claimed to be better than you Sam. It was never a contest for me. I didn't tell you about breaking the first seal because I was ashamed. Because you already thought that I was weak and useless. What good would it have done?"
"I deserved to know," Sam insisted, his brows drawing together as the anger coursed through him.
"Yeah. You probably did. What exactly do you want me to do about it now?" Dean shrugged.
"It's too late to do anything about now, isn't it?"
"Why are you so angry at me Sam? Really? Do you even know?"
"Because…" Sam hesitated, his anger seeming to drain out of him. "I just want to know why. Why you? I tried so hard to be the best. I tried to make up for the demon blood. To stop it. I was the one who prayed, who believed in God, in angels. So why did He choose you?"
"You really think that I wanted this? I never wanted this. I never wanted to be better than you, Sam. I don't think that I am. I don't think I'm better or more special than anyone else, and I never wanted to be. You were the one that was always concerned with being the best – being better than everyone else. Especially Dad and me. The only thing I ever wanted was to be good enough. Good enough for you and for Dad. But I never was."
"That's not…"
"True?" Dean interrupted, scoffing. "A demon, Sam. She replaced me and then took her place ahead of me. Thirty years I tried to be good enough for you, and she went to the head of the class in one."
Sam stared at his brother. Dean's expressive green eyes bleeding the pain and betrayal that he felt. And Sam began to see the depth of the pain that he'd caused.
"So, no. I didn't ask for this, and I don't want it. But then, it's never been about what I want, has it? Why should this be any different? You're right. I screwed up just as badly as you – maybe worse, and that's why I have to try to make this right. I have to concentrate all my efforts on that. I can't be what you want or need or whatever. But it's not a contest Sam. I'm not trying to beat you to any finish line and I never have."
"There's nothing wrong with wanting to be the best, Dean. With wanting to win for a change." Sam insisted quietly.
"But at what cost? It's too dear for me, Sammy. I'm glad that you are here with Bobby, and you are helping each other. Just tell Bobby I stopped by when he wakes up," Dean pushed off the counter and headed for the door.
"Dean. At least wait until he wakes up," Sam made a weak gesture to get him to stay.
"S'ok. He doesn't need the aggravation. I've got places I need to be…"
"Yeah. Anywhere I'm not."
"We both agreed this was best for now."
"I'm not so sure," Sam hedged.
"For once, I am. I don't want you behind me Sam."
"Because you don't trust me where you can't see me?" Sam's face folded back into a scowl.
"No…"
"Because you don't trust me to have your back." Sam's tone was flat.
"No. Because I've never wanted you anywhere but at my side. Shoulder to shoulder. I know you aren't happy behind me, and I can't be comfortable with you in front of me anymore."
Before Sam could even form a reply, Dean was out the door and striding toward the waiting Impala.
Sam watched his brother drive out of the salvage yard. Leaning against the door frame, he worried at a fingernail with his teeth. Sam began to contemplate crossing the finish line in a dead-heat with his brother for the first time. It was an odd sensation. And not an unpleasant one. For the first time, it didn't feel like failure.
(Golden Slumber)
Once there was a way to get back homeward
Once there was a way to get back home
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullaby
Golden slumbers fill your eyes
Smiles awake you when you rise
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullaby
Once there was a way to get back homeward
Once there was a way to get back home
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullaby
(Carry That Weight)
Boy, you're gonna carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time
Boy, you're gonna carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time
I never give you my pillow
I only send you my invitations
And in the middle of the celebrations
I break down
Boy, you're gonna carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time
Boy, you're gonna carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time
(End)
Oh yeah, all right
Are you gonna be in my dreams tonight?
Love you, love you
Love you, love you
Love you, love you
And in the end, the love you take
Is equal to the love you make
A/N2: Because as bleak as the end of 5.02 seemed, I have faith that this is where we are headed…