My mom and dad always used to talk about you, you know. I could tell, even when they didn't use your name, because you were always She. Big S. That girl Alex is always messing around with, She's such a smart kid. Posh, isn't She? 'N why the hell does Alex hang around with Her? They still do say that sort of thing sometimes, but it's less obvious that I do hang around with you, now that you don't visit the house as much. You've got your own life now. Come to think of it, the Xanman doesn't spend much time at HQ nowadays either. Not like the parents would notice either way.
Jesse, now; Jesse understood, sometimes if not always. He got that you could be friends with a girl without being friendly friends with her – he sort of had to, being friends with you too. Maybe once or twice I was a little jealous of him for that, for having to share our friendship with some surfer-dude who, yes, I admit it, could skate far better than me. Most of the time, though, it wasn't about you with Jesse. It was about girls. You were a girl, and I was totally okay with just being your friend. That's as far as it went. I'd be smug about this, now, what with the whole "My feelings were morally superior to yours" - I'd be smug if it didn't feel sort of wrong, what with Jesse now being ash blowin' in the wind and all.
"Dude, you don't understand. You have to understand. Will's totally into you. How can you not be acting on this?"
"Maybe I feel inclined to bask in the affection for a little while before making my manly move. Like a man."
I wonder if you ever think about him. I wish you would talk to me about him. I wish you would talk to me -
We grew up, and suddenly girls became important. You became important, in a different way than you had been, but not for very long. It was Cordelia and Harmony and the Cordettes (Harmettes as they were for one very memorable week) that all the real men like Scott Hope and Larry Blaisdell and Warren Mears liked. Cordelia; she was the Big-S She for Jesse right up to the day he died, and for a little bit after that too. When I talked about girls, I meant Cordelia, I meant Harmony. I mean, they were hot, there's no escaping it. Given what's happened this year, I guess it's basically certified impossible to escape.
But I mean, I never would have dragged you into one of those conversations. No, I don't mean it like that. Okay, maybe it wasn't that cool to think a geek was pretty, even when you were as dorky as I was, but you were like a sister. You don't compare sisters with Cordelia and Harmony in terms of hotness factor. You just don't. Even Jesse got that after a while. But somehow, somewhere, that changed.
Maybe it's a boyfriend thing. Hey, that's it! It's a boyfriend thing! Like, I take you for granted until you've got a guy! That's what happens; that's textbook, right? You're not a Big She until someone wants you. Oz wants you, and now you're a hot commodity or whatever. That sort of makes sense, in a really stupid, nonsense sort of way. Oz wants you, so I want you, but because Oz wants you – because I want you – you're unavailable. I'm too late again, aren't I? Of course.
I wish that you were awake, so you could tell me if that makes sense, or tell me to shut the hell up and stop babbling, Xander. I wish that you were awake, just so that you would be awake.
"Come on, Will. Look, you don't have a choice here. You gotta wake up. I need you, Will. I mean, how am I gonna pass trig, you know? And who am I gonna call every night and talk about everything we did all day? You're my best friend. You've always..."