I can't let Xander know that I'd do anything to keep him from going back to Sunnydale. It's not his fault really. I don't think either of us expected what happened. When I think back to the choice I made because of him…well, let's just say that I won't be telling him anytime soon. Of course, I have to offer up something or he's going to get suspicious.

The preacher used to say we were headed for the end of days

The world would be so cold and the children turn away

Xander's one of those rare people that can talk for hours on end and actually say something in the process. He has lots of things he needs to get off his chest and not many people he can say them to. Sure, he had Willow. But she knew him too well and I don't blame him for wanting to talk to someone a bit more objective. I think I was more hesitant in the beginning; however, looking back on that first night I should have known something was going to be different.

Well, I know that's just not true

Cause I'm standing here watching you

I often forget that people are unnerved by my ability to smell them before they descend on the elevator. It's a complicated enhanced vampire thing. Doyle came down with him at first and I almost didn't recognize Xander when I looked up from my book. I was startled at the man I saw before me. But his scent was so skittish and hesitant. I could feel the very weight of his soul in the room. Which was strange, considering how guarded he'd always been around me. Not that I had given him reason to trust me. I didn't expect to earn it either. But I knew that he would just take time. The hell mouth does odd things to mortals and demons alike.

Trusting you, needing you

"Xander."

He had extended his hand uneasily, cheerfully, and for the exclusive benefit of Doyle's presence. I wondered for a moment how he had avoided Cordy's tentacles. "Hey, Dead boy."

There was that name, but without his usual bitter cut of the tongue. Something made him uneasy about being here. Whatever it was must have taken him so much courage. And, in reality, it had. I sent Doyle away and he pulled up a chair.

"Nice digs."

"You seem nervous." I stated.

"Me, nervous?" Xander began to babble unapologetically. "Why would I be nervous? I mean, I know that you're a good guy now. Or at least you want redemption, which is a great start. I know that I should have apologized for all the anger and stuff on the Hellmouth but there was Anya and you were here and it seemed like it wasn't the appropriate time. I figured with the whole private investigator thing you'd have to invest in phrases like "dame" and get some black and white filters so it could be all movies like and maybe the Irish guy could call you Sam Spade or something like that…."

I cleared my throat. If you don't clear your throat, then Xander has a tendency of going a bit into oblivion with his thoughts; even if he does make something of a point.

"Sorry. I just thought I needed to drop by and see an old friend."

"We were never really friends."

"Compatriots then? I mean, we had something in common."

Buffy is the first thought that came to my mind. That was really ever the only thing. Xander would have tried to stake me over and over again in any other circumstances. The boy always seemed keen to grow and adapted remarkably. I don't think he would have handled hearing that I was proud of him. Seeing Xander crumble would have been a bit much to bear, I think. "Compatriots then. And don't think I'm not glad to see you, but I have to wonder why you're here."

You take the shadows and the gray from my eyes

Make all the disturbances run from my life

"I was just passing through and I had a kind of personal question for you." Xander began to look around as though the Council was going to swoop in upon us.

"Is there a demon you need help with? You could have just called."

Xander mumbled a bit. "I didn't want to do this over the phone."

"Is Buffy alright?" My voice filled with a sort of tension. I knew she had, for all effective purposes, beaten an Elder vampire, an unencumbered Angelus, Spike, Drusilla, a woman who I'm not sure was a goddess, a variety of demons and demonic cults. What exactly was there that she wouldn't be able to face, Hellmouth wise?

Those memories of pain that I inflicted

Mortal child, if I could only say

"Buffy's fine. It's the rest of us I'm worried about. Since Willow resurrected her…" Xander's nervous levels ran to uncharted territories.

"That's pretty advanced magick. I would almost say it's too risky."

Xander winced. "Yeah, well, we didn't know that was the plan until mid-ceremony, but that's a story for another time. No, this is something I did recently. I know I should have learned my lesson after the whole love spell debacle, but I thought…hey...this is alright. This is a demon specializing in song and dance. What's the worse that could happen?"

Instead of being addicted

You've given me the thing I prayed for each day

My voice cracked. I couldn't help it. "You summoned Sweet?!"

Xander gulped, his eyes going kind of wide. I imagined that, in any other circumstance, he wouldn't look like a ten year old at the principal's office. I was beginning to wonder if he was about to confess and ask for penance. I was also still unclear as to why exactly he'd come to me. "You met him?"

I nodded. "You know, he's the reason we had the Great Chicago Fire. That cow wasn't to blame. It was that damn Irish fiddle he handed Bessie's farmer."

"That would have been good to know."

"Xander, if you're coming to ask for forgiveness, you don't need to come to me."

When they say we leave with nothing

I can say now that's not true

Xander shrugged. "I know, but the summoning wasn't because he was a demon. I proposed to Anya and I was…"

Ah. There it was. "You're pretty young to be thinking long term with an ex-demon."

Somewhere, Xander's backbone popped out. "I'm not that young."

I put my hands up in defensive apologies. "Sorry, I didn't mean that the way it came out. Please, continue."

Because even in that last moment

I can thank God for you

Xander nodded. "Ummm…I just thought it would be a good idea to get the truth, you know, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I got so much truth that I felt like Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men. Now, I know I love her, but…."

"It takes a great level of maturity to recognize what you're feeling, even if you can't identify it."

Helper in redemption, Child of affection

His voice sounded smaller, deflated. As though he had sighed and exhaled a giant boulder. "Thanks, Angel. But what I was hoping is that maybe you could give me some insight on long-term relationships. My parents make your twisted family look almost tame and I know that a lot happened that you're not proud of, and rightly so. But I just thought…"

I nodded in response. "I'll tell you what you'd like to know, but you may not like to know it. There aren't any guarantees in relationships Xander. I mean, I staked my sire for Buffy. I turned Drusilla after driving her mad. Yes, we had common interests in our need to satiate our lust and greed, but those common interests can't hold you for long. You have to grow together and getting my soul back forced us all apart."

Xander gulped. "So what happens to me and Anya then?"

I shrug. "I can't say. But I know that you always took a lot onto your plate and if I can help in any way…"

Xander took a moment, looked down at himself and then stared straight at my nose, almost afraid to look in my eyes. "I know that you don't have much room, but I just don't want to….I mean I know it would be an imposition but I need…."

"Some air."

"Exactly."

"I don't have any food either than my blood, Xander. Cordy might, but I think she's just making a show of it. Doyle might have an extra couch…"

"No! I mean, I'd just feel more comfortable in the Angel cave."

"The what?"

"It's a Batman thing."

The world of Xander's never-ending pop-culture references. "Ah." I can't thing of anything cleverer to say. What? It can't all be introspective sound byte quotes. "I'm willing to offer you any help you need Xander."

Xander reached his hand across the table again and I received it gratefully. I wouldn't have to apologize around him for being myself and just maybe I could use a partner for tai chi every now and then. If he'd consider it. "Thanks Angel. I'll try not to make these weekends too routine. If it's too much…"

I shrug. "It's a big Angel cave."

Weeks turned to months, new friends and threats came and went. Los Angeles is a never-ending tumult of people and things. Xander's weekends became a nearly monthly tradition. Anya eventually figured it out, but let her jealousy subside when he assured her (and then I assured her) that it was nothing sexual. Well, on his end at least.

I'll endure this hell for you

There's just nothing I can do

When we moved to the Hyperion, Xander found his place there to. On the weekends he visited, I found myself walking by his room and hearing his heart beat. I could always smell cocoa and sawdust on the air, all around him. Quite an attractive scent to go with the new body. He was gaining confidence again and I could see in his eyes a need to be useful to someone other than the Scoobies. He found that here too.

We were walking through the basement tunnels one evening, when he noticed a distress in one of the beams. He made a couple of remarks and then I found tools lying around. I'd hear the buzz saw at three in the morning. He doesn't know that I just watch him work, sometimes in silence and sometimes to the sound of Pat Benatar being whistled. He loves to whistle Devo and Tainted Love as well. I think those are his favorites.

In this dark and twisted world I made for me

You erased my fears so easily

He has two tank tops, one grey and the other white. They don't sweat very often and I find it endearing that he's so focused that he never notices the dust and white specks flying all over the place and catching in his hair. But I only watch, never fiddling with his hair or technique. Here, Xander has found somewhere to be the master and this place needs him almost as much as I.

I never thought I'd say those words. I need Xander Harris. True, I have lots of girls fawning all over me and Spike is still around. There are always new champions coming around and old ones dying or finding new paths. Xander's pretty constant thought.

And you probably don't know

You don't quiver when I'm near

"You know, Dead boy, if you're going to just stand in the shadows, you could hand me a hammer or something." He says it so casually, as though he always expected me to be there.

"I wouldn't know a thing about tools. I can tell you about all the weapons though."

"Yeah, well, this is me doing the math I never thought I'd need. I have to say though; this old girl's pretty sturdy." Xander looks up at the bottom of the hotel's first floor.

"She needed you to come." I smile warmly and Xander nods. He doesn't even blush like he normally would.

"I never say thank you, Angel."

"You don't have to. It's more mutual than you'd know."

Xander just nods in his own way. There's not really pity in the nod. It's more of a sad understanding about loneliness and the cycle of time. I know he won't be around forever and that he would turn down any offer I'd make. Although, at this rate, it's almost…never mind.

He turns from his work. "Angel? Would you mind getting the carpenter a bit of water?"

I nod and then turn toward the stairs. "I'll use your usual mug."

"Thanks Angel."

So I'll endure a living hell

I don't want to turn back to see if he's watching me go. I say a silent prayer that maybe he is. That just maybe he wants to be here and that it's not just habit. He makes my solitude a lot less lonely than it used to be. I could never repay Alexander Harris for all he's done for me.

If just in gratitude, you're here

Author's Note: I wrote the song lyrics here for "I'll Endure". This fic is dedicated to pyro_padawan as a half fic bunny to go with the "Passions of Angels and Demons" written by pyro and a little bit post Once More, With Feeling. I hear Angel singing it while watching Xander work (does it sound a bit like the Giles solo from Once More to anyone else?). I'd like thoughts, if there are any to be had. Thanks for reading.