Perfectly Imperfect
I sat up from my pink bed and yawned. I stretched out my arms and got out of bed. As lazy as I felt like, I had to get dressed. I slowly got into my uniform, not wanting to go to school at all. Once I finished I examined myself in the mirror. Instead of smiling like I should be, I'm scowling. I should be happy with my image, I'm beautiful. With my long flowing blonde hair, perfect, pale, porcelain like skin, grey eyes, all features that every girl dreams of. Why do I have to be like this? Why can't I be a normal girl? A girl who gets blemishes and tries to hide them, a girl who gets messy hair in the mornings, a girl who doesn't obsess over their weight. That's what I really want, to not be worrying about my weight. But I can't, I'm so used to be calling fat and ugly, that I had to do something about it, and I did. I stopped eating, exercising more, and constantly checking my weight on the scale. No one knows about this, and it's going to stay that way. No one can know. I can't show everyone my weakness. But every perfect thing, has something imperfect about them. That's on the inside though, the outside I look flawless.
"Amber!" I jumped at the sound of the voice. I blinked and came back to reality. Nina was standing in front of me with a curious look on her face. "everything all right?" she asked concerned.
"no, everything's fine." I lied with a fake smile. She nodded slowly, and I just smiled wider at her.
"well come on, lets go eat."
"oh, I'm not hungry." I stated while putting a brush through my already perfect hair.
"are you sure?" she asked worried.
"yeah, I already had something earlier this morning." I explained, even though it was a lie. It seems like that's all my life is now days, lies and secrets.
"alright, I'm going to go downstairs, I'll see you in a few." with that Nina left the room that we share and I sighed in relief. That was awkward. I hate lying to her, but that's all I can do. I can't tell her, she'd tell Fabian, and he would tell Trudy, and she'd probably make it obvious as to what it is I'm doing to everyone else. I took another look at myself in my mirror, I can't smile like I used to a year ago, not until I'm skinny, perfect. I grabbed my book bag and went downstairs to join Nina. I walked with her and Fabian to school, as usual. And of course they were holding hands, I should be smiling but I can't anymore. It makes me realize that I don't have someone who truly loves me like Fabian does for Nina. That's why I'm doing this in the first place. I want a guy who calls me beautiful instead of hot, who calls me back when I hang up on him, who thinks I'm pretty without any make up on, someone who tells me how lucky they are to have me. I want the perfect guy, but it will never happen, there no such thing as perfect guys, not in my eyes at least.
"Earth to Amber!" I blinked and looked at Fabian, this is the second time in the morning that I've done this.
"sorry guys, I'm just frazzled today." I casually responded to him.
"amber is everything alright?" he asked me.
"of course!" I answered with a big smile. Just like Nina, he nodded knowing something was up. The rest of the walk to school was silent, and I was thankful for that.
I slumped down on the couch next to Alfie. He looked at me and smiled, I smiled back. Alife can make me feel good, cheer me up, he helps me clear all my thoughts, both negative and positive. "Amber, you've been distant today, everything alright?" I looked up at him and sighed, not him too.
"everything's fine! Nothing is wrong! I'm just a bit tired!" I yelled. He looked taken aback for a moment but stopped as quick as the facial expression came.
"I'm going to go take a nap." I mumbled before leaving the living room and walking to my room. I sat up on my bed and grabbed my diary and a pink, furry pen.
Dear Diary
Today was not as happy as usual. They're starting to notice that I've been down, and I don't know what to do. It makes me feel horrible for not telling Nina, but I just can't. I know she won't judge me, I'm just too afraid of her pushing me out, once she finds out what's wrong with me. And Alfie, it breaks my heart to see him so concerned about me, it really does. I just want to yell out to him that I'm not good enough for him and that I'm not really perfect. I had to work for it, and starve myself, to be this! I can't fine the courage to do so though, and it's tearing me apart. But I do have good news! I lost ten pounds this week! Making me at seventy two. I'm still over weight but I'm working on it! Hopefully I wont gain anything, that will just make me stress even more! Well, I'll talk you tomorrow.
Love Amber
That actually made me feel better. I smiled and placed it onto my pillow. "SUPPER!" I heard a yell from downstairs signaling that it was time for supper. I got up and went down stairs. I do sometimes eat small things, to keep me motivated and I'll just eat a grape or something. I went down stairs and sat at the table. I didn't eat anything of course, but made it look like I did. I was in a better mood now and enjoyed myself, talking to Mara and Joy, actually helped me.