A/N: I love the song "The Moment I Said It" by Imogen Heap, and I thought of a believable Chuck situation that would fit the song and make a good fanfic. Here goes, enjoy!
The moment I said it...
"I slept with Bryce."
The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. Which is strange, because I always carefully consider and re-consider my words before they leave my mouth; a tiny slip-up could cost me a mission.
The moment I opened my mouth...
I knew it was a bad idea to come over here in the first place, but I seemed unable to stop my fist from rapping quietly on your window. I had to come see you right away, the emotions had been building up for far too long.
The light in your eye left, bulldozed the life out of me...
Your beautiful brown eyes darkened, the ever-present sparkle snuffed out by my heart-crushing confession, and your face fell. I felt like I had been kicked in the chest at the sight of the effect my words had on you; tears came immediately to my eyes, threatening to spill down my cheeks.
I know what you're thinking, but darling you're not thinking straight...
I climbed through the window into your bedroom, desperate to explain myself. You jerked away from where you had stood to let me in, the sleepy, slightly confused grin of greeting replaced with a hard frown, and you avoided my eyes.
"Chuck –" Your name came out a strangled half-sob, my defenses completely eradicated in the face of your complete heartbreak. "Please, let me explain."
Sadly, things just happened, we can't explain...
"No." You silenced me with a single word, still not looking at me. "I don't want to hear it, Sarah." You turned suddenly, snatching your jacket off the chair and grabbing your keys.
It's not even light out, but you've somewhere to be?
The Darth Vader clock on your nightstand clearly read '3:00' in glowing red numbers. I moved in front of you, blocking the door, and put a hand on your chest to stop you.
"Chuck. It's 3 in the morning, where are you going? Will you please talk to me?"
You lifted your gaze to meet mine, your hard eyes sending shivers down my spine, an icy expression on your face. "You have nothing to say to me, Sarah. Nothing that could possibly fix this."
No hesitation...
You attempted to move past me, but I moved to block you again. "Chuck, I needed to tell you, I've held this in for so long." After so many tortuous long nights spent wrestling with my sickening guilt, I had finally come to a breaking point.
No, I've never seen you like this, and I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it at all...
"Chuck, be reasonable, please." I pleaded.
"Be reasonable?!" You shouted, throwing your arms up. "How do you expect me to react, when you drop something like that on me at three in the morning?!" Eyes flashing, you breathed heavily, your chest heaving, and I felt every inch of your vast height towering over me.
I dropped my gaze and lowered my voice to a whisper. "Please, Chuck, keep your voice down! Ellie and Awesome are asleep!" I felt slightly relieved that the utter shock and speechless betrayal had moved on to rage. I knew how to behave in the face of anger; I was trained to, after all. My tears receded a little, and I could speak without a shake in my voice as I regained a bit of composure, my defenses coming back within control.
Just put back the car keys, or somebody's gonna get hurt...
"Just put the keys back, Chuck." I heard a little of the negotiating tone that I usually use when speaking to someone with a gun in my face creep into my voice. "You aren't leaving right now."
At first you didn't move, but finally, resigned, you dumped your keys back in the dish. I went over to the window and shut it as well. I turned around and you had taken out your phone, and you were dialing.
Who are you calling at this hour? Sit down, come 'round...
"C'mon, Chuck, I'm done with this." I walked over and took your phone, setting it down firmly on the dresser. You sighed in frustration and plopped down on your bed. I pulled over the desk chair and sat facing you.
"Look, Chuck –"
"When." You cut across me, staring determinedly down at the floor to the left of my feet.
I didn't want to push it; at least you were talking now. "The night after Fulcrum 'visited' the Buy More." At least that mess had ended up okay; Fulcrum hadn't figured out that Chuck was the Intersect, still under the mistaken impression that Bryce was the one. In parting, Bryce had extended me an offer to join him on his deep cover mission. "We'll always have Omaha."
I took a breath and continued. "That night I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I had to decide between Bryce, the amazing partner from my past who I had so much chemistry with and worked so well together, or you, the sweet, lovable geek I was under orders to protect, who never does what he's told and never stays in the car." A little smile crept onto my face at the last part. You looked up at me, surprised that I had called you sweet and lovable to your face.
I need you now...
The smile slid off my face and I looked away; you had so much hope written across your face, and I still had to tell the hardest part. You had come to represent the closest thing to normal life for me, complete with loving family and friends, everyday job and normal-people problems. Not to mention that supposed 'last' act of desperation; that kiss that had remained so thick in the air between us long after we realized we were still alive. But Bryce's offer was so tantalizing; I had fallen into the complacency of my cover life, and he had offered me my old, adrenaline-filled life as an active agent back.
Feelings of restlessness, perhaps brought to the surface by Karina's comments on my 'boring' cover, prompted me to end up choosing Bryce in the end, and I had answered his phone call.
"So when you both contacted me, I decided on Bryce, and I – I had to ignore your phone call." I paused, hesitant. You were again staring hard at the floor, concentrating on not looking at me. Grimacing, I forced myself to finish. "So, I, uh, went to his apartment, and, well, one thing led to another..."
My voice got very small, and I couldn't look at you either. "When I woke up, lying in bed next to him, I realized I had made the wrong choice. I don't know what it was specifically that made me see that, but I knew that it was a mistake. So, I left without saying a word, and immediately went straight to the briefing at Casey's."
"Why didn't you say anything then?" You turned to me with an accusatory gaze.
"What, in the middle of the briefing?" I replied incredulously. "You wanted me to just blurt out in front of the director of the CIA and the head of the NSA that I had just slept with Bryce Larkin? Sort of a 'So sorry, that's why I'm late.'?"
"Alright fine, so it didn't have to be right away, but you know very well that you had the power to inform me of your horrible mistake long before now." You set your jaw and closed your eyes, taking a few calming breaths.
We'll work it all out together...
I shot to my feet, angry, throwing my hands up in exasperation. "Chuck, don't you see? I chose to stay and protect you in the end. I chose you."
You stood up as well, getting in my face, brimming with anger again. "But only after you did the nasty-nasty with Bryce! You couldn't have discovered your true feelings for me beforehand, maybe?"
Defensively, I lashed out. "True feelings? I had to follow orders, Chuck. I can't just go gallivanting off on a whim because I feel like it, don't you think there'd be repercussions?"
But we're getting nowhere tonight...
Straightening indignantly, you just got angrier. "Oh, so you chose duty over Bryce, this has nothing whatsoever to do with me? Do I mean anything to you at all, besides just being an asset to protect and make sure doesn't do anything stupid?"
Something in your tone hit home, and hurt overwhelmed my anger. All my fight left, and I deflated, looking down at my feet. "No, Chuck. You aren't just an assignment to me." Tears threatened to spill again, and I looked back up to you, wishing to communicate my feelings without words.
"Then what am I?" You asked me softly. I realized we were standing a little closely, a fact previously gone unnoticed in our anger. I was forcibly reminded of how it felt to grab your shirt and pull you down to me, and the memory invaded my mind, reminding me of the gross misdemeanour I had committed.
"You kissed me, remember?" As if you read my mind, you put into words the very fact I was trying to push aside.
I glanced away; this obviously wasn't allowed, a relationship between an asset and an agent. Besides the Intersect, you're practically a civilian. Heck, even agent-to-agent is frowned upon. And of course, I was to blame for breaking the rules in that area as well. I stepped away, allowing some air between us.
Now sleep, I promise it'll all seem better somehow, in time...
"We should go to bed, it's late. We can talk more in the morning." I didn't want to deal with this right now; I guess I didn't think too hard about what it would mean, confessing to you that I had slept with someone else, Bryce Larkin of all people, and then came running back in the end? I should have expected this.
You huffed angrily, taking my blatant avoidance of the question to mean something else. "Who am I to you, Sarah? If I'm not just a person who needs protection, but I'm not the first guy you choose?" Your voice rose angrily. "What does that make me? Am I just a plaything, something to amuse yourself?"
"No!" I returned indignantly. "You mean so much more to me, Chuck, it's just that you aren't – supposed to. You can't." My tone turned apologetic. It was the best I could come up with; I've never been good at face-to-face talking, more the boot-to-face kind.
You crossed your arms, closing yourself off, looking at me squarely with a defiant expression on your face, a slight shrug to the shoulder. "Well, you chose duty last time, so..." You let the sentence hang in the air.
I felt a pang in my chest, but kept my face regretful. "What else do you expect me to do?" You didn't respond, so I continued, a little firmer this time. "I am an agent of this country, trained to follow orders. I have to follow the rules, Chuck, or I could be reassigned, and that can't happen." You looked up at that, panic written all over your face.
"What?" I asked, alarmed.
It's not even light out, but you've somewhere to be?
"The bugs! Casey's heard everything!" My heart sank; once the agency heard about all this... There was nothing we could do.
You scrambled to your feet, heading for the window, intent on getting to Casey's apartment. I caught your arm, and you turned to face me. "Chuck," I whispered softly. "Stay – there's nothing we can do now. It's done."
Stay with me...
"No, Sarah, I refuse to do nothing!" You exclaimed, jerking your arm out of my grasp. Your tone softened. "I can't let you be sent away."
No hesitation...
You turned to fully face me, and stepped closer. You brought a hand to my cheek, tucking some hair behind my ear. I closed my eyes and leaned into your touch, your hand wonderfully warm against the growing feeling of dread in my stomach.
I stood there, wanting to stay like that forever, wanting the world to just go away and let us be. I yearned for a normal life again, even if it was just so I could be with you.
And Casey had heard everything; if there was ever anyone who followed orders more ruthlessly than me, it would be him. He would report this first thing in the morning, once he played back the recording of tonight over his breakfast and heard it all. It was such a huge error on my part, he would be wrong not to; such attachment would be distracting and detrimental to my job performance.
I've never seen you like this...
Ice gripped my heart at the thought of being reassigned – what would I do without being able to see you every day? What about Ellie and Awesome, and Morgan? They had become my friends too.
With that revelation I realized that I had made one of the worst mistakes an agent could make – I had gotten too attached. I hadn't even known it was happening, but now the thought of truly leaving any one of them terrified me to my core, and I started breathing a little faster, on the edge of hysteria.
I looked at you, wide-eyed. "Chuck! We have to get that recording!"
You rolled your eyes at me. "Ye-ah. That's what I was doing before, when you stopped me, remember?"
"I know, Chuck, I know! I just – I can't leave here, I have a life here now! A real life." I put a hand to my head, trembling.
Grabbing both my hands in yours, you caught my eyes, concerned. "Sarah, I've never seen you like this, you're scaring me."
You're scaring me, you're scaring me, you're scaring me to death...
A panicky breath caught in my throat. I couldn't bear to never see you again! "I just, can't leave right now, okay? We need to deal with Casey." I tried to make my voice sound firm, attempting an illusion of calm and failing miserably.
"Whoa, whoa," you half-chuckled, half-worried, "You sound pretty serious there, uh, 'deal with Casey'? What exactly do you mean by that, Sarah?"
I huffed exasperatedly, not knowing quite myself. "We could sneak in and grab the recording, and then destroy it." This was such a delicate situation, I was desperate. "Perhaps I better go in alone." I looked up at you, a firm set to my jaw. You aren't exactly the best at being stealthy, and we couldn't have Casey waking up.
Don't, ohhh...
"Sarah! You can't hurt him! He's just doing his job!" Your voice rose a little, alarmed.
I smiled assuringly. "Chuck, I'm not planning to! It's just that, you aren't so quiet, and if he wakes up, we'd have no chance! He could even shoot us on pure instinct, and I won't let you be hurt or risk being hurt."
Smash...
"Freeze!"
Suddenly the window crashed open, and I whipped my head around to see Casey standing there, a gun trained on me. I raised my hands in a gesture of surrender.
Please don't...
You froze in shock, hands in the air as well. "Casey! What are you doing?" Your wide eyes took in his gun firmly pointing at me, and I noticed something sticking out of Casey's jean pocket. It looked like...
"What is that, Casey?" I nodded to the object.
"What, this?" With a cocky look, he brought out a disc, and held it up for us to see.
"Is that...?" You started, pointing one of your raised hands, questioning.
"The recording." I finished. "On your way to send it off, Major Casey?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
He stuck it back in his pocket and narrowed his eyes. "As a matter of fact, I am. There a problem, Agent Walker?" He challenged.
Ohhh, please...
"You've obviously heard what's on there, you can understand our desire to stop that from reaching the General and Director."
Casey stepped inside and lowered the gun, closing the window behind him. "Well, you're darn right about that. Imagine my surprise when I tune into Bartowski's snoring to cure myself of insomnia, and I hear another voice, your voice, confessing to sleeping with Larkin, 'postmortem'." Chuck's face hardened at the reminder. "Sure, I enjoyed the show for a while, but then Bartowski blurts out that you kissed him." Casey got up close to me and his face turned angry again. "I asked you, Walker, if you had compromised yourself with the Intersect! Twice! And you lied to me twice. That is unacceptable."
I folded my arms across my chest, looking down at the floor. "Can you blame me?" I asked quietly. You relaxed beside me, assured that no one would be shot tonight.
I'm losing you...
"Well, you've got yourself a one-way ticket to reassignment now!" Casey stated, with a chilling finality. A little voice spoke up in the back of my mind, he hasn't sent it yet...
Try stay on this one...
I looked up and met Casey's eyes. "I don't want to go. You haven't given it up yet, you don't have to!" I implored him, begging him to have sympathy.
You looked back and forth between me and Casey, realization dawning in your eyes.
I paused, wanting to tread lightly with my next words. He still had the gun, after all. "What if it were Ilsa? Think of how it feels to be separated from her all the time. I don't want to have to go through that; I'm not strong enough to. You can prevent that from happening."
Casey's eyes softened a little at the thought of Ilsa, but he glared at me. "You've got some nerve, mentioning her to me, comparing it to the same situation. This is a blatant act of misconduct that directly affects how you work as an agent, and it is my responsibility to report this."
I've got a bad feeling...
"Give me one reason why I shouldn't." He finished, crossing his arms and waiting, looming there ominously, staring me down.
Try to stay on this one...
I floundered for a moment, unable to find or say the words, and I looked to you, panic rising in my chest; you were staring back at me helplessly, completely speechless for once.
You've gotta swim all the way in...
Feelings of desperation came to a breaking point and I blurted,
"Because I love him!"
My words rang out, echoing in the stunned silence. You turned and faced me, an expression of shocked surprise on your face that I was sure was mirrored on my own.
No hesitation...
Casey's demeanour changed instantly; he produced the disk and handed it over without another word, nodding curtly when I thanked him gratefully.
"Just be more careful next time," he said gruffly. "Time your guilty confessions for when you're not being listened in on." I nodded dumbly, still a little shocked at his abrupt change.
He turned to leave through the window, but I found my voice and stopped him. "Wait! Won't they be suspicious when your logs don't have an entry for tonight?"
"Well, there was an unexplained computer glitch that disrupted the audio feed, and I didn't catch it until I woke up the next morning. We didn't lose too much though, just hours upon hours of the Intersect's snoring." He smirked with a wink, then disappeared.
I let out my breath, relieved, and turned to face you. You had an amazed look about you, one of pure joy and shock. You crossed over to me in one step and grabbed me in a crushing embrace, holding me tightly; I relaxed into your arms and hugged you back just as tightly, relieved that we'd dodged that bullet. I'd be able to spend some true quality time with you now, with no hidden guilt over the mess with Bryce, or any unspoken feelings. I held up the disc triumphantly between us. I couldn't stop grinning; I'd be around for a long time yet, and I know I will enjoy every minute of it.
"Care to do the honours?" I asked sweetly, grinning like mad. I don't think we'll have to pretend so hard for our cover, from now on.
"Thank you, ma'am, I would." You grinned and gave a mock bow, then took it, and with one swift motion brought it down on your knee hard, splintering it to pieces.
Smash...