Morbid Irony
A profound statement is merely a pun that lacks humor, born from the malicious intent to amaze the unwary.
Ranma one half is sole property of Rumiko Takahashi.
Like everything worthwhile in life, it begins with a dream.
The police had drawn a blank; Nerima had just experienced a rash of disappearances unlike anything Japan had ever seen before. In three nights, ever single martial artist that Nerima had prided itself on had gone missing. Starting with the Tendo and Saotome families on Friday, everyone, including Hapoosai, had gone without a trace. The Kunos and amazons were next, but still no one noticed anything was wrong until the third night, when all of the miscellaneous fighters around the district vanished, Ryoga, Taro, Dr. Tofu, and a good deal of the student and teacher populations of Furinkan and St Herebeke high schools just wound up missing. The police were informed that night.
It was on Monday that the bodies started showing up.
Genma and Soun were found outside of the dumpster of their favorite bar by the owner of said bar, barely conscious. They died in the ambulance from a combination internal bleeding and alcohol poisoning.
The police would have passed this off as them getting drunk off of their asses and then getting into a bar fight, if, not five minutes later, they hadn't gotten the second call.
Akane Tendo was found in her room by her friends, her face smashed in viciously by a large wooden hammer. Her body held down by barbells, cinderblocks, and other various heavy objects that lay in a pile on her chest and arms. Both the mallet and her face had been crushed to a pulp with the force of the blows; a hole from the impact went clear through the floor, leaking brain matter and blood into a pot placed on the kitchen stove.
After that calls started coming in from all over town, and the undermanned, low budget police force could barely deal with one before moving onto the next.
Nabiki's body was found in the vault of a local bank, four thousand yen in five yen coins was found in her distended stomach, another five hundred yen in her throat.
Nodoka had been found, positioned in the middle of seppuku, her dagger tip only scratching the surface of her stomach, her throat slit cleanly.
Kodachi Kuno was found in her private garden. She had been hung by her gymnastics ribbon, her arms and legs held securely by the thorny vines of four nearby rose bushes. An autopsy revealed she had been forced to swallow every single experimental concoction in her lab before she died. The killer had disemboweled her and fashioned her internal organs into a crude test tube holder. She died four hours after being hung, three after ingesting the drugs, and two after being eviscerated.
Tatewaki was found with a picture of Ranma chan nailed to his forehead, run through with his boken.
Their servant Sasuke had been torn in half, his upper body prostrating itself in front of Kuno, and his legs and lower abdomen kneeling before Kodachi. His head was placed on the desk of their father's office, where their father was sitting, his scalp removed by hair clippers and a set of scissors plunged through his skull deep into his brain.
The rest of the bodies had been found in similar situations. Hinako was slowly suffocated to death with a stuffed replica of her younger form. Gosunguki suffered under third degree burns to his face and his hands were impaled to two trees in Furinkan's fields. The golden pair were found locked in a fatal kiss, heads forced together and bound there, noses plugged securely, they suffocated within minutes and died soon after. The amazons and Ukyo were found in their restaurants. Mousse and Shampoo were killed in their cursed forms, and fried with a side of ramen. Cologne had been skinned to the bone, oddly simple compared to the rest. Ukyo had a chest binding rapped so tightly around her chest it crushed her lungs and stopped her heart. She died of asphyxiation.
The police were facing the greatest known loss of life in all of history; the recorded body count was just shy of two hundred, the only bodies missing were Happosai's, Kasumi's, and Ranma's.
Happosai and Kasumi had been found days after the primary investigation, in the Tendo attic.
Happosai had his hands resting on Kasumi's bared chest, and was straddling her waist with his legs. The two were still alive, but only barely because of hunger and sleep deprivation. Kasumi was lying on the floor, propped up by bruised elbows. All around them were massive amounts of explosives, set to explode if either of the two made a move, motion triggers were secured by pieces of Happosai's bra collection. The two collapsed just as the bomb squad was sent in to disable the trap.
Ranma admitted himself to the mental hospital that evening.
Why won't it ever stop?
Ranma awoke in mid scream. He bolted upright and immediately started wiping some of the cold fear sweat from his brow. He closed his eyes and tried to stop panting. Once he got his breathing back to normal he curled into an upright ball and started murmuring to himself. "I would never do that. I couldn't. Their all my friends!" Ranma froze as he heard a hacking cough issue to his left.
He turn his head slowly to find the remains of his fiancée next to the bed. A low animalistic sound emanated from his mouth as Akane's mouth moved impossibly to form words a corpse should never speak.
"But you already did my love. You enjoyed it." And she collapsed, her head melting into the form he had seen in his nightmare.
Does it matter that it was justified?
Ranma awoke to the sound of metal on glass, a huge grin on his face. He sat up in his hanging cot in the mental ward and faced his captor, a beautiful young psychologist tapping the top of her clipboard against the bullet proof door.
Ranma unlocked the door for her and she strolled inside, he adopted an annoyed frown as she took a seat.
"You woke me up from the most marvelous dream doctor Smith. Would you like to hear about it?" he ignored her as she shook her head no, she knew which dream he was talking about, "I was just getting to my first day in the establishment. Do you remember it?"
"I do, I'm just here to do your regular mental evaluation Ranma. We have to concentrate on what might be wrong with you; there will be plenty of time to discuss things like that later." The woman had been dealing with Ranma for years, and knew exactly what he wanted to hear. He was convinced that if he was here he could get better.
"Well you would best get going then. Only thing that will help I suppose." Ranma paused, then continued on, half talking to himself, "You know, if Kasumi hadn't tried to stop me, I would have let her live. I might have used a whore instead. Would that have been better?"
"Alright Ranma, it's been awhile since you were last asked these questions. We have to see if your answers differ from the first time I gave them to you. Why do you think you killed everyone?" The woman had her pen poised above her clipboard ready to repeat the arduous process of trying to keep the man before her sane.
"I think it was because I felt betrayed. That's the only reason I was going to leave Kasumi alone. She never did anything to betray anyone. That is, until she tried to stop me. She never stopped them from hurting me. But when revenge is on the other foot she suddenly becomes noble. I remember my stay in here quite well. The fool who tried to restrain me on the first day. The unnecessary attachments to my cell to keep me contained. Even the assassination attempt by the federal government. I've caused a lot of damage to your fine facility. Breaking the added bars, straight jackets, and quite a few idiotic staff members. I came here to get better, and you all want me dead." Ranma started to glare hatefully at the walls around him and what they represented,
"On the contrary Ranma, I think you are one of the most well behaved patients I've ever had. When not provoked." Doctor Smith retained her calm outer demeanor.
"I've learned a lot in my life. The art, ah the art, used to kill the guilty so we can defend the innocent. I learned pain and insanity at the hands of my father and the neko-ken. And I've learned blood, both mine and others. But I think I have learned all I can here Doctor. I would like to leave now." Ranma lifted his hand, palm upwards, and formed a ball of pure white ki, "I think you betrayed me doctor. It was you who tried to have me killed. Goodbye."
Will justice take away the pain I caused?
"In this late breaking news, Ranna Saotome, convicted killer of one hundred and ninety six, has escaped the mental hospital and is at large. We will be posting his picture 24/7 and if you see him in your neighborhood police are asking that you contact them immediately and avoid contact at all costs. Suspect is extremely dangerous and has been known to kill people at the slightest provocation."
My release comes swift, combined with a torrent of anguish and relief. I will join them in torment soon. Beyond the grave.