Everything
A/N: Hi guys! It's been really long since I posted a Barson-fic, but after watching the newest Episode "Know it all" (18x15) I was hooked again. Because BARSON is BACK! I had to write this as a follow-up for that amazing episode. Super cheesey and probaby OOC, you've been warned. Also there's kind of an Elliot-Shadow in this story. Enjoy!
You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
("Everything" Alanis Morissette)
"Goodnight Sweet Boy." Olivia whispered.
Noah sighed in his sleep and didn't respond. Her heart warmed and for a moment she forgot about her worries. As soon as she shut the door they came rushing back to her.
You know, I love this job. Oh, I really do, but sometimes...
Sometimes.
Oh yes.
Sometimes she imagined what it would be like not to work at the NYPD any longer. Brunches on the weekends, play-dates in the park, dates at fancy restaurants, kissing in the cinema, dancing slow dances...
But as she had said to Ed, this job was who she was. She couldn't give it up.
And neither could Barba. Rafael.
She smiled as she put away Noahs Toyblocks. She had called him Rafael after four years. And it had felt right. But maybe he would have to go. And what would happen them?
How would she work without him? In the past four years Rafael Barba had made her life less dark. What I did was wrong, but the truth is I'd do it again. Not everything done in the dark is shameful. She smiled at the memory of this sentence. Olivia knew exactly what he meant. She too had her secrets and he knew them. He had stood by her in her darkest moments with Lewis.
Her life had changed for the better with Rafael. He had showed her more than once that he was a fighter, that he didn't give up. They'd been through so much together. Their friendship had stood through so much, especially in the last months: The shooting of Terrence Reynolds, the return of Lewis Hodda, the scandal of Hank Abraham, her relationship with Ed...
If she couldn't have him in her life, she didn't know what to do. And if he wasn't the ADA then how would she see him? Could she meet him in her free time? What would they talk about?
A knock on her door interrupted her thoughts and she put the rest of his toys away, before she went to the door. For a moment she thought about reaching for her gun on the counter, but it didn't last long. Those days were behind her.
Olivia only opened it a crack wide and then saw Rafaels face. She opened it even wider.
"What did he say?" She asked immediately.
"He...uh gave me some advice." He looked uncomfortable and then asked: "Can I come in?"
"Sure." She stepped back to let him inside. "Do you want something to drink? Water...Wine?" She thought for a moment and added: "I also have some of Noahs juice boxes, if you like."
"No." He smiled and her heart skipped a beat. "Thanks."
So they sat down on the sofa and were quiet.
"So..." She suddenly wished she had poured them each a glass of wine. "What did he say?"
Rafael sighed. "He gave me the advice to take my pension and leave quietly."
"I don't understand." She shook her head. What kind of advice was that? "Why would he say that?"
"Well my reputation's ruined, Liv." He sighed, leaning back. "I'll either been seen as soft or as someone not playing by the rules."
She shook her head. He couldn't leave. He couldn't not work. Could he?
"I can't tell you what to do." She whispered, while she thought stay, please stay.
"I know." He was whispering too and somehow they had moved closer to each other. "But...Can you tell me what you want?"
"I don't want to lose you." She breathed.
He nodded. "But...if I resign, then you wouldn't. We could...we could...be together." She only heard his last two words, because they were sitting so close together.
Her eyes met his and she lost herself in his green. How beautiful and mesmerizing his eyes were. She could see the love she had for him mirrored in them. She could see he had been thinking about the same things. Brunches on the weekends, play-dates in the park, dates at fancy restaurants, kissing in the cinema, dancing slow dances...
They leaned in at the same time and in the moment their lips met for the first time sparks flew around them and a fire was set off.
It didn't matter that he was her colleague, her friend. Not in that moment. She couldn't think. All she did was feel and the only thing she wanted to feel was him as close to her as possible. His taste. His smell. She only existed for him.
Olivia had gotten changed after court. She was only wearing white blouse and loose leggings. Rafael was still wearing his jacket, shirt and tie. Not to mention his trousers. The two of them were like animals, hastily trying to get closer to each other and when she accidentally ripped out one of his buttons from his shirt they both laughed as they stumbled into her bedroom.
"Why are you wearing so many clothes?" She muttered.
"Next time I'll go to court naked, I promise."
Under different circumstances she might have laughed at his joke. But she couldn't.
Court.
It was then that she realised what they were doing here. They fell onto the bed and she felt his weight on top of her.
"Rafeael..." She sighed.
"Liv." He muttered back.
"Wait..." She muttered.
Being the gentleman he was, he sat up immediately and took his hands away from her.
"What's wrong?" She saw the worry in his eyes and the emotions flooding in them.
"Do you think we're moving too fast?"
To her surprise he laughed softly and leaned down. "Do you really think five years are too fast?"
Although she knew he was joking she couldn't bring herself to laugh and sat up, pushing him off her in the process gently.
"I'm serious, Rafael. I mean...this could change everything."
"Isn't that the point?" He asked back with a flirtatious smile.
"But...so suddenly?"
"Cariño." He whispered taking her face into his hands. "All this time I had to watch you be with Cassidy and with Tucker." He stroked her cheeks with his thumbs. "I stood by and did nothing, but I always wanted to."
"And now?"
"And now I'm doing something." He replied and kissed her once more. They were both doing something, but she felt doubt rise up in her, poisoning her from the inside. This would change everything, even if that was that point. Change wasn't always good.
His hand slid under her blouse and she sighed, burying her hands in his hair. And then it happened.
"Mummy?" Noah called from outside.
Rafael pushed himself up immediately and she scrambled out of the bed from underneath him. His hair was tousled, his shirt open. In a different situation things might have been comical.
"I'll be right back." She whispered hoarsely and kissed him again.
Just as her little boy pushed the bedroom open she stepped outside.
"Hey Noah." she cooed. "What's wrong, Honey?"
"I had a bad deam." He whispered tearfully.
"Oh no." She picked him up and hugged him tightly. "Do you want me to tuck you back in?"
"Yea." He sighed in her arms and she hugged him tighter. "And sing."
"Yeah..." She stretched the word. "We'll see about that." She closed the door behind her.
Inside his room she did sing to him quietly and rocked him back to sleep. He fell asleep within seconds and she stayed with him watching him sleep. It had a calming effect on her. She couldn't do this with Rafael tonight. Up until now things had been going too fast for her. With David Haden. With Cassidy. With Tucker. It was a pattern of spontaneous decisions that had usually led to heartbreak. She couldn't do this with Rafael Barba. She couldn't cope with losing him.
When she came back into the bedroom he was still sitting on the bed. His appearance hadn't changed much and the confusion was written all over his face.
"Is everything ok?"
"He had a bad dream. But everything's ok now." She sat down beside him and was suddenly lost for words. It was awkward but all she could do was sit there in silence.
"I'm sorry." He finally said unable to look at her. He rubbed his face with an exhausted sigh. "I shouldn't have come over here like this. I'll go."
"Don't go." She found her voice again and reached out to touch his hand and pull him back. Olivia pulled him against her and kissed him passionately. Rafael was taken aback, but he returned the kiss just the same. The two of them fell back onto her soft mattress once again. He moved slowly with her, feeling her insecurity. She pushed his shirt of his shoulders and began to unbutton her blouse.
"Wait. Stop."
He did not groan in frustration which she gave him credit for. Barba sat up and looked down at her with his blazing green eyes.
"I'm sorry." She sighed. "I...I want to. But I can't."
He frowned in confusion.
"It's not you. It's me."
Rafael gave her a sarcastic look with his artful raise of an eyebrow and she found herself blushing at the cliché. A softer look appeared in his eyes.
"What's wrong?" He put his shirt back on but didn't button it. She found herself shaking her head.
"I can't tell you."
Again he gave her that look and in a half-joking manner said: "Oh, so I should trust you, but you don't trust me? How does that work?"
Because he was quoting her and asking her the same question she'd asked him Olivia smiled and then made clear: "I do trust you...it's..."
She stood up from the bed and turned her back to him. She knew exactly what the problem was. Because it was always the same. Nervously she pulled at her blouse and closed the buttons again.
"I always rush into things." She turned around to him. "And I know it's been five years, but still this feels like rushing. I always mean to take it slow and it never works, not with David Haden, Cassidy and with Tucker..." He frowned and she realized she'd never actually told him about David. That wasn't her point now. "But I still want you to stay, is that ok?"
There was a look in his eyes that reached the core of her heart. He was hurt. It was not ok, because he knew she didn't trust him. By not being able to commit to him the way she had to the others it was clear.
She was ruining this before it had even started. Again. She had to save it.
"Rafael. I need to tell you something that I've never told anyone before." She sat down on the bed and he looked at her with surprise.
"You don't need to prove anything to me, Liv."
"Yes I do." She smiled because they were once again in a discussion, but she grew serious again. "I've been treating you horribly all evening and you need to know why." She took a deep breath and ran her hands through her hair. "Six years ago there was a knock on my door." She smiled at him. "Similar to the one this evening." She was relieved when he smiled back and found herself relaxing as she leaned back against the head board. "It was Elliot, my partner." It felt strange. His name. Partner. "He was going on and on about how I was right and he was right and we were right, he just never saw it all these years. What had happened brought him clarity." Her eyes met his. Neither of them was smiling anymore. "He...he had to shoot a young girl. She was out of control and...she'd already killed two people..."
"I know what happened." Rafael said reassuringly so that she would continue.
"Anyway he said he'd been walking around the city aimlessly all night and finally realised that he didn't love his wife." She laughed humourlessly. "He loved me and he had always loved me, he just hadn't known. He'd been blind and now he could see." Olivia rolled her eyes. "Needless to say – he spent the night." A sad smile appeared on her lips. "I'd been waiting for this moment for twelve years. Everything he said made perfect sense to me. I'd known we belonged together all along."
Rafael was looking at her. She could feel his gaze on her and despite the fact that she had felt his fingers on her bare skin, it was this gaze that made her feel naked. "He told me he would tell his wife first thing the next morning and they'd get divorced. He said that everything would be ok. That everyone would be happy for us because we were Liv and El." She shook her head. "You can't spell Love without E and O, Liv." She gave Rafael an amused look after this quote, but the ADA didn't return it. "That's what he told me." There was a silence and he already knew the end to her story, but she still had to say it. Out loud.
"He was gone the next morning and later Cragen told me he had put his papers in. And that's the last I've ever heard from him." She couldn't hold his gaze any more and turned away blinking away her tears. When she looked back at him she could see the emotions written all over his face: Anger, empathy and most importantly...love.
"He was in over his head, Elliot was." She said nodding. "I think he meant everything he said that night, at least some part of him. But he just couldn't keep his promises. He realised that the next morning and ran away." She paused. The disappointment that in the end after all those years, Elliot had been a coward, still stuck with her everyday.
"Anyway..." She said and made sure to keep his gaze steady. "A few months later I miscarried. And that was the end of it."
"Liv, I'm so sorry." He was finally able to speak again.
"Don't be." She moved closer to him. "I got...well I didn't get over it. You don't get over something like that, but I have Noah now and he's...he's everything."
Rafael nodded. He'd seen the healing aspect Noah had on her.
"I rushed into every other relationship." She continued. "But I never invested myself fully, you know?" He nodded, because he did know. "I was too afraid of being hurt. I always half expected them to be gone the next morning."
Rafael vowed to himself then that no matter what happened between them he'd always make sure he was there the next morning.
"The first year was pretty tough." She ran her hand through her brown hair again. "Despite that last night, we'd worked together for such a long time...we were in sync. Nick and Amanda were great. He and I clicked and so did she and Fin. But it wasn't the same."
Rafael nodded. He knew no one could compete with Elliot Stabler.
"And then you came." She smiled and he smiled back. "And you changed everything. Even before I was Sargent you and I were..."
"In sync?" He smiled.
"Yeah. And after Lewis...you know Elliot could have written a letter? He didn't even have to come and see me or talk on the phone. It was all over the news he must have known and it took a while, but I then realised..." She paused. "I didn't need him there. I didn't want him there. All I needed was you. You saved me."
Rafael shook his head, but Olivia ignored his attempt to disagree with him.
"You did. And then when I became Sargent and then Lieutenant you and I were the perfect team. It wasn't the same, it was better." She pushed her hair back with her hand in one swift movement. "He had this power over me, subconsciously of course, but I was never able to move on or grow. He was my everything. I was stuck for 12 years and when he left I was free and you...helped me trust again. With you I feel safe and that's why I cannot rush into this with you." She was surprised by the tears in her eyes and blinked them away. "Does any of this make sense to you?"
He nodded, moved closer and put his arm around her.
"Thank you for telling me all of this."
"Which part made sense?" She asked as she snuggled closer to him.
Rafael planted a soft kiss on her forehead.
"Everything."
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