"Dios, Simon, this looks absolutely hideous." Simon couldn't help but smile as he turned to look at how ridiculous Raphael looked. He was referring to the ugly sweater that Simon had forced onto him. He and Simon had stayed up all night making it. It had a mini string of lights arranged in the shape of a Christmas tree, and then they had hung ornaments off of it as well. It looked truly hideous, but Simon couldn't help but smile at how adorable the other man really looked. Simon's own ugly sweater was one Raphael had bought for him, a rock star reindeer that Raphael said he couldn't resist buying because of how much it reminded him of Simon.
"That's the point, Raphael." Simon knew that there was no hint of impatience in his tone, but he was too amused to care. "It's supposed to be an 'ugly Christmas sweater.'"
"Why do we have to do this, though?" Raphael's voice was almost drowned in his simultaneous groan. He was looking in the mirror with an expression on his face that made it seem more like he was being tortured instead of going to a Christmas party.
"We have to do this," Simon began, stepping forward to place his chin on Raphael's shoulder while wrapping his arms around him as well, careful to not disturb the decorations on his shirt. "Because this is the first Christmas since I entered the Shadow world in which we do not have to worry about people trying to kill us. Magnus is throwing this party and we are going to go and enjoy it because we don't have to worry about who is following us or looking at us funny for the first time in years."
Simon couldn't keep the smile from creeping back on his face once more. "Plus, Raphael, this is something I really want to do." He tried to put on the best puppy dog eyes he could muster, but he was soon smiling again when he saw Raphael's demeanor softening.
Turning in Simon's arms, a hint of a smile finally played across Raphael's lips. "Mark my words, Lewis. The moment Magnus gets drunk and wants to start 'Christmas Carol Karaoke' is the moment I am dragging you back home."
Laughing softly, Simon leaned in to give Raphael a quick kiss on the lips. Although it was quick, Simon could still feel the tension, the longing behind it. "Make that a promise, Santiago?"
His worst nightmare was coming true, of that, Raphael was absolutely certain. He knew he was most likely gripping Simon's hand a bit too tightly, but in that moment, Simon was his only true source of comfort in this room full of so much holiday cheer. He relaxed slightly when Simon leaned over to quickly kiss his cheek, and then he forced himself to sink into the sound of Simon's laughter, a sound that never failed to make him happy.
He knew he was visibly uncomfortable, that much he was aware of. He was also aware of the fact that Magnus was eyeing him a bit cautiously, almost as though he knew something about Raphael that the rest of them did not. Although this was a bit true, he knew deep down that Magnus didn't truly understand exactly why Raphael was so uncomfortable in that exact moment.
"Raphael?" Simon's gentle voice pulled Raphael out of his uncomfortable haze. "You wanna maybe dance or something?" It was obvious from his tone that Simon had caught on to his mood a bit more than everyone else, so Raphael forced a weak smile and nodded, knowing they were both the most horrid of dancers.
For a while, Raphael was able to forget everything and be completely absorbed by Simon. His smile, his laugh, his love, they all seemed to melt the world away. Raphael found himself laughing and smiling just as much as Simon, and for the first Christmas in a very long time, Raphael found himself enjoying the time he was able to spend with his loved ones.
Yet as they sat down once more to have dinner, Raphael could feel the heaviness washing over him again. Beneath the table, Simon took hold of his hand and began absentmindedly running his thumb across Raphael's palm. Throughout the meal, Raphael zoned in and out of the conversation, preferring to focus on the feeling of Simon beside of him.
"Raphael?" This time it was Magnus's voice that pulled him out of his head. "Everything okay down there?" Magnus did not look convinced when Raphael simply nodded, but Raphael hadn't been expecting what Magnus said next. "You know Santiago, if you didn't want to be here, you didn't have to come."
Beside Magnus, Alec's eyes widened as he whirled on his boyfriend. "Magnus!" was all he got out before Magnus lazily waved a hand at him. "Calm down, Alexander. It's the truth, and he knows it." Raphael felt himself stiffening, he felt Simon gripping his hand tighter.
He knew he should stay seated, that he should smile and make a joke out of it, but he rose from his seat anyway. "Do not call me Santiago," was all he said as he walked toward the door.
In hindsight, he realized that he hadn't even been planning on going anywhere substantially far from Magnus's apartment, and what Raphael especially hadn't been planning on was for Simon to be seconds behind him.
"Raphael, wait, please." Simon grabbed for his hand as Raphael stood at the top of the stairs just outside the apartment. He reached back to close the door, something that made Raphael terribly thankful as he turned to face Simon.
"Look, I'm sorry, Simon. I can only take a few things right now, and that was not one of them." He heard the weariness in his own voice. "I was trying, I really was. For you. But Christmas just isn't something I can do at the moment."
At first, he thought Simon was going to be angry, but when Simon moved to sit down on the first step below Raphael and motioned for him to sit as well, Raphael realized that what was happening was quite the opposite. "You don't react this strongly to many things, Raphael. So what's going on?"
At that point, Raphael wanted nothing more than to run away, to leave Simon on the steps and hide forever. Instead, he sat down beside Simon, reaching for his hand on instinct. "I don't deal well with the holiday season anymore, that's all." He knew it was useless to hope that Simon would leave it at that, but he hoped nonetheless.
"Why is that, Raphael?" Simon's gentleness often surprised him, but it was something that Raphael found terribly endearing as well. Here was a young man who had been through everything imaginable, much like Raphael himself had, but was still as kind, gentle, and loving as he had been before his life had been turned upside down.
Sighing, Raphael realized that there was no way he was likely to get out of the conversation at hand. "A few reasons, I guess. Before I was ever Turned, the first time my father hit me was on Christmas. Well, correction, the only time my father ever hit me was on Christmas. He didn't make that mistake twice." The feeling of Simon's hand tightening in his made Raphael feel even worse, so he tried to ignore it and move on.
"My mother died on Christmas. There's not much to say about that." Looking into Simon's eyes, Raphael wanted nothing more in that moment than for Simon's arms to be wrapped around him. "Christmas is supposed to be about spending time with family, isn't it?" He heard the hitch in his voice, but he kept speaking just the same. "How can Christmas be about family when you don't have any family left?"
The silence that stretched out before them was a heavy one. Raphael could almost feel Simon working through several emotions at once. Before speaking, Simon lifted Raphael's hand and gave it a gentle kiss that was so full of love Raphael could hardly stand it. "You do have a family, Raphael. It may not be the family you started your life with, it may not be a biological family, but it's a family just the same. If there's one thing I've learned from the Shadow world it's that everyone gets two types of families: those who are chosen for you, and those you get to choose yourself."
Closing his eyes, Raphael leaned his head back against the wall. "Think of Magnus." Simon's voice remained calm and even. "He's made a new family for himself. The way I see it, you can either go about your life feeling miserable because you believe you don't have any family anymore, or you can realize just how many people love you and you can find the happiness that goes with it. Raphael, you have family all around you right now, you just don't see it. And even if you don't consider them family yet, I was hoping that you had begun to consider me family, at the very least."
At that, Raphael opened his eyes and looked down at Simon. There was a soft smile on Simon's face, as if he realized that he had already gotten through to Raphael. He reached up to take Simon's face in both of his hands, leaning down to kiss Simon as he did so.
When they broke apart, Raphael was surprised to catch himself genuinely smiling. Above him, something shiny caught his eye, and he groaned when he realized what it was. Simon looked up too and smiled at the mistletoe that had randomly appeared above them as Raphael said, "I am going to kill Magnus."
Raphael was a bit surprised when Simon reached up to take his shirt by both hands, no longer heading the awful decorations that adorned it. "Hold that thought. Give me a few more minutes here and then you can go kill him all you want."
What Raphael had intended to say was, "Merry Christmas, Simon," but the sounds that came from his mouth were nothing of the sort as Raphael found himself melting once again under the feeling of Simon's hands and lips.
When they eventually reappeared at the party, Raphael tried to give Magnus the warning look he deserved for the smirk that was sitting on his face. "A very merry Christmas, wouldn't you say Raphael?"
Unable to keep the smile off of his own face this time, Raphael replied, "Very merry, indeed," before wrapping his arms around Simon, who had no idea that what he had just said had not only already changed Raphael's entrie outlook but would also stay with Raphael forever.