The Study Habits of Remus Lupin
~*~by Hatter of Madness~*~
Seven days before O.W.L.s
"Hey, Remus."
"Buzz off, James. I'm not going anywhere today."
"But you're hunched over that book like you're going to perpetually have to walk like an awkward question mark."
Remus glanced up from his book, mainly in shock that James knew the word 'perpetually' and could properly use it in a sentence. "James, it is the week before O.W.L.s. In case you don't know, our entire life in the wizarding world depends on these tests. What could you possibly want?"
James grinned. "We nicked Snivellus's bag and we're gonna go through it later. Wanna watch?"
"I'll take a rain check," Remus said, opening his book again.
"Suit yourself," James said, hopping off the bed that he had once been on, propped up on his elbows and went down the stairs.
Bored, Remus turned the page.
Six days before O.W.L.s
"You know, Moony, I really admire your ability to pay attention in Transfiguration class and read your Potions textbook at the same time," Sirius said, poking his own Transfiguration book with his wand and wondering why the bloody hell it wouldn't just turn into a damn brick, "but you really need to loosen up."
"And fail my Potions O.W.L. just because I didn't read the chapter on the Wit-Sharpening Potion enough? No, thank you." He did not look up.
"Touché. But I don't think McGonagall would really appreciate you reading for Slughorn's class here." He then started to imitate their professor in a frighteningly accurate voice. "'Now is neither the time nor the place, Mr. Lupin. Five bazillion points from Gryffindor, and now I command you to do the cha cha.'"
"As much as I admire your mimicry skills, I have to read!"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "So you don't want to do the cha cha for old Minerva here?"
"Buzz off, Sirius!"
"But Remus, we have plenty of time before our O.W.L.s!"
"They're six days away, Sirius!" Remus said, who had long since discarded his book-brick to study his Potions instead.
"What? Shit!" He pulled out his own Herbology book.
Five days before O.W.L.s
"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" Remus said, cursing under his breath.
Peter walked into the boys' dorm looking at something in his hands, said, "Hey, Remus, have you seen..." then looked up in surprise. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL, MOONY?"
The room was an absolute mess. All of the beds had been torn apart; Remus's pillows and one of James's were on the floor; Peter's sheets had somehow ended up in the corner; feathers from Sirius's destroyed pillow were scattered around the room, along with the contents of Remus's trunk; two bottles of ink lay on the bedside table by Peter's bed, smashed; a quill was stuck neatly in James's mattress; and the drawers of Remus's drawers were wide open.
"Peter, do not fuck with me right now!" Remus said, getting on his knees and peering under Sirius's bed.
"Well, whatever you're looking for, Moony, if you loved it you would not have let it get under Sirius's bed, of all places," Peter said, making a desperate attempt to clean the room, starting with his bed as he summoned his sheets.
"PETER, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HELP ME!"
"I really think these tests are getting to your head," Peter said, noticing a large ink stain on his sheets. "You need to calm down, mate."
"PETER PETTIGREW, YOU GET ON YOUR BLOODY HANDS AND KNEES, YOU SON OF A BITCH, AND HELP ME!"
"Help you with what, exactly?" He ignored the 'son of a bitch' comment from his friend.
"Well, let's see, my Muggle studies textbook, my Potions textbook, my Herbology textbook, my Transfiguration textbook... Hell, ALL OF MY FUCKING TEXTBOOKS, MATE!"
Peter's features immediately contracted into a frown. "Er..."
"Peter...what is it?"
He carefully stepped towards his bed, pushing his schoolbag behind him. "James said I had to take them from you..."
"YOU SICK SON OF A—"
"Remus...try to reconsider...OH, SWEET MOTHER OF MERLIN!"
When Sirius and James arrived a few minutes later, Remus had pinned Peter to the floor, inches away from his face, wand clenched between his teeth. He looked ready to kill; Peter, on the other hand, looked like he was ready to die.
"Holy shit, Moony!" James said in surprise.
"Yeah, I had suspisions that you were playing for the other team, mate, but Peter?" Sirius said. "You can do better than him."
"GIVE ME MY BOOKS!"
"JAMES!"
"Five Galleons that Remus will win," James said in what he clearly thought was a whisper to Sirius, who grinned.
"JAMES!" Peter said again.
Four days before O.W.L.s
"When do you suspect Peter will be out of the hospital wing?" James asked over breakfast.
"I don't know, but I think Remus owes him a new bag," Sirius said. "Poor bloke."
"Hey, Moony," James said, in what actually was a whisper.
"What the fuck do you want now, James?" Remus said, pouring over his History of Magic text for the umpteenth time. This was definitely a class where the desperate cramming right before the test was necessary; most pupils completely tuned out the teacher, Professor Binns, and even Remus was guilty.
"Isn't a full moon tonight?"
"Don't you even fuck with me, James."
"I thought it was funny."
"You think that a lot of things that are very, very dry humor are funny. Like telling the first years to go into the Forbidden Forest at night with a metal pot and spoon and shouting 'I hate centaurs'. That was truly brilliant, Potter," he finished sarcastically.
"Oooh. So I'm Potter now," James said, grinning. "Two can play at that game, Remus."
"My last name is Lupin, you idiot," he said, turning a page.
"I wish you weren't right all the damn time."
Three days before O.W.L.s
"You know, I never thought I'd see the day when I see Moony crying," Sirius said, cocking his head to the side as he watched the werewolf burst into tears.
"It's quite entertaining, actually," James agreed.
Peter had to hide a snicker as Remus actually let out a wail...and he was still a human. The only time he had ever heard Remus truly wail was when he was in his wolf form, which at the moment, he was not.
"Hey, Remus, got a grip, mate," James said, placing his hand on Remus's shoulder, who shrugged it off roughly.
"I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN SEVENTY-TWO HOURS, MATE!" Remus said, completely sobbing and using his Ancient Runes book as a tissue. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"Well, as long as you have a book open, tell me," Sirius said, trying to lighten the mood to get Remus to calm himself. "How do you say 'I'm a nervous wreck' in Runes, anyway?"
"I'M GOING TO FAIL!"
"Funny, that sounded a lot like English..."
"I HAVE NO HOPE AND I'M GOING TO FAIL! ALL THESE YEARS! FOR NOTHING! JUST KILL ME NOW, PETER!" he said, shoving his wand into his friend's hands, who unwillingly took it with wide eyes.
"M-me? But—but why?"
"I ALMOST KILLED YOU THE OTHER DAY!" Remus said, lifting his head from his book and crying onto Peter's chest, who looked between James and Sirius in horror, mouth agape. "I'M SUCH A TERRIBLE MATE! WHY DID YOU LET ME DO THAT? WHY, PETER? WHYYYYYYYYY—"
"There, there..." Peter said awkwardly as he patted Remus's head, equally as awkward.
"I WANT TO DIE!"
"See, this is why sleep is good for humans..." James said to Sirius, who nodded.
"Hate to burst your bubble, Moony," Sirius said nervously, "but sleeping is the only thing that'll help you now. That and eating, which you haven't done much of ever since you got your pumpkin pasty all over your Muggle studies book..."
Remus immediately stopped crying. "KILL HIM TOO!"
Two days before O.W.L.s
"Accio! Accio! Accio! God fucking dammit, work you worthless piece of shit!"
"Remus!" Sirius groaned for the fifth time that morning. "It is FUCKING THREE IN THE MORNING. If you do not shut your overly large mouth—"
"Sirius, what if the practical exams include the summoning charm and I don't practice it enough? I'LL BE A GONER!"
"And what if you keep us all up and we completely crash today?" Sirius mumbled into his now mended pillow. "Which is more likely?"
There was a silence. Sirius almost fell asleep, but opened a weary eye nervously. "Remus, why are you looking at me like that?"
Remus said nothing; instead, he held his wand at the ready.
"REMUS, PUT—THE WAND—DOWN—"
"Accio Sirius!"
"Remu—aghhhhhhhhh!"
To both Remus and Sirius's surprise and horror, the spell worked, and Sirius shot out of bed, across the room, and crashed into Remus, who was crouched on his knees before being knocked backwards by his friend.
Peter bolted up automatically in fear. James rolled over, shoving his face into his pillow. "Where's the Dementor?" he said stupidly.
"Not a Dementor," Peter said, "a demented person."
"Ugh," James complained, rubbing his eye. "Is he studying for O.W.L.s again?"
"'Fraid so," Peter said, attempting to go back to sleep.
"Remus, I don't think my leg should bend that way—" Sirius said in concern.
"I also don't think your overly large fist should have just collided with a place that shall remain nameless in your wild attempts to stop yourself!" Remus said in agonizing pain. "Now, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, mate—GET THE BLOODY HELL OUT OF MY BED!"
One day before O.W.L.s
The whole of the fifth years of all houses had their noses in books that day, but none more so than Remus Lupin, who practically breathed in the smell of his textbooks the whole day long.
It was approaching ten o'clock quickly and, stifling a yawn, Sirius said, "Remus, put the book away. The thing that'll help you the most right now is sleep. If you don't pass your O.W.L.s now"—he yawned—"then you're in deep water here."
"I might sleep," Remus mumbled, pouring over his Herbology text one more time, "for an hour."
"You're crazy," Sirius muttered. Remus and James had already passed out cold. "If you need me"—he narrowed his eyes at Remus—"and please don't need me, do not—I repeat, do not—use the bloody summoning charm on me!" And with that, he finally put his head to the pillow to get some sleep.
Remus tried to memorize the name of three poisonous plants in a mad haste to cram in some last minute knowledge. "I know this, dammit I know this," he muttered. "I don't think a Fanged Geranium is poisonous...it just bites...let's see, there's a...there's a...there's a..." He could no longer suppress a yawn, then muttered, "I just need to rest my eyes—"
The morning of the first day of O.W.L.s
"Mmm—Fera Verto...mandrake cries are deadly...uhhhh...how Muggles function without...mmm...without magic..."
Weak rays of sunshine fell on Remus's face. He squinted blindly at the window, then stretched... Then realized in horror that it was morning and that Peter, James, and Sirius were all missing in action.
In fear, he sat up, glanced at the watch on his bedside table...and his jaw nearly dropped in fear.
"FUCKING—I OVERSLEPT!" he shouted at no one, throwing the covers off him and throwing his pajamas into his trunk, practically jumping into more suitable clothes and his robes, running down the stairs stepping into his trainers. No time for breakfast...he just had to go to the testing room as fast as he could...
After the portrait of the Fat Lady swung open, he ran faster than he ever knew his legs could carry him. He arrived there quickly, flinging open the door as McGonagall said, "This is a dead room and I shall be locking the—"
Remus ran to an empty desk, his heart pounding and his breathing erratic as he slid into the chair, dragging it and the table with him. His face immediately fell on the desk so he could catch his breath.
"—door," she finished, staring at Remus with an odd expression on her face. Several students snickered. "Mr. Lupin," she said, approaching his desk, "you are late."
He hesitantly pulled his head off his desk, forcing his eyes open. He was very tired. "I'm ready for my O.W.L.s, Professor," he said in a small, quiet voice.
"Right." She walked to the front of the room, where test papers awaited. With a flick of her wand, they were distributed to the students in the room. "You may begin—now," she said.
Immediately, students picked up quills. It's now or never, Remus said, looking down at the book. I wonder what's first...
He made a very inhumane noise when his eye fell on the cover. Sirius, who sat to his right, glanced at him, raising an eyebrow.
"Moony?" he asked in less than a whisper; he didn't want to be accused of cheating in the first thirty seconds of testing.
Screaming to the room, not caring who heard, Remus completely lost it.
"I FORGOT TO STUDY CHARMS!"
Okay I laughed so hard at writing this, lol xD I hoped you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. And now I have my history final to study for x_x Children, heed this warning: DO NOT EVER NEGLECT YOUR STUDIES OR YOU WILL END UP LIKE REMUS. Anyway. Reviews appreciated. Sorry it's so long, originally it was going to be short but my imagination ran wild. As a reviewer told me, Remus didn't actually forget to study charms, as he did the summoning spell, but my original plan was that it was the only part of Charms he actually DID study. But if you don't like that, then uh...just ignore the little error and move on with your life. Okay thanks.
- Hatter of Madness