Disclaimer; I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer, their characters, their plot, theme or names, and I do not claim ownership to them. However, I DO claim ownership to my writing, so please don't steal!

Authors Note: This fiction is a series of song-based one shots. They'll be posted in no particular order, just as a song comes up that fits this pair or as I write them. I recommend listening to the song as you read or at least read the lyrics, but I'm not posting them as song-fics...no one ever reads the lyrics anyway (I don't ;D) Some will be happy, some will be sad, but all are based around our favorite couple!

This particular chapter is based off of Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson. It takes place during season 3, just after Faith has joined forces with the Mayor. For this fic, Faith was in Sunnydale for a few months before Angel came back to life.

Rating; Rating may change on a chapter by chapter basis, and will be posted at the beginning of each chapter

Pair; Buffy x Faith

Already Gone

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

-Neil Gaiman

I shouldn't have come here. I know it was a mistake, but some part of me, the greater part, doesn't care. I can see her there, shuffling around in her bedroom, getting ready for sleep and she looks like an angel. My angel...

I know she can feel me; she proves me right every single time she glances at the window. She knows I'm there. It's the connection we feel, the draw to one another that neither of us could ever deny even if we wanted to; that tingling along my spine that only intensifies the closer she gets, the way her hazel eyes draw me in like a gravitational force. She knows I'm there, but still she goes about her nightly routine like she can't feel my eyes on her.

Everything in me screams to go to her, to scale the tree next to the roof and slip into her open window, but I don't. I can't. Not yet.

Just one little mistake and my world came crashin' down around me, leavin' me with nothing but blood on my hands. Human blood.

I can still see his face at night, when I try in vain to sleep. I can see the look of horror in his eyes, accompanied with pain and hopelessness as he realizes that his life is draining from his body, quite literally, from the wound in his chest made by my stake. I can still smell the tangy metallic smell of his life force thick in the air as it leaked from his veins. I can still hear his pained gasps as he tried to get the words from his mouth, but his efforts were for nothing. It haunts me, his face.

But not as much as B's. The pain in his eyes doesn't haunt me nearly as much as the complete and utter horror and disgust that was etched into her face when she turned to look at me that hellish night. But more than that, I can still remember the way she used to look at me, when we were out slaying or partying at the Bronze. I can still remember the small smiles she would give me and the adoring look in her eyes that she reserved only for the moments when we were alone.

Even more than that, even more than Alan Finch's face, I remember the way her lips taste, like her strawberry lip-gloss and something that was uniquely Buffy. I see her in my head every time I close my eyes, exactly how she looked the first night we made love, the way her face contorted into pure, unadulterated pleasure as she came around my fingers. I remember how I felt as I held her in my arms afterward, our bodies sticky with sweat as we clung desperately to one another. For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged somewhere, like I was home.

I knew in that moment nothing would ever be the same, and I was right.

The next few weeks passed too quickly. We were together as much as we possibly could be, holding hands underneath the table in the library or sneaking away to steal kisses in a dark corner in the Bronze or the school bathroom during another boring all-nighter of searching through endless books for the newest big bad trying to end the world. Our nights were full of patrolling, complete with wandering hands, and afterward we would go back to my place or hers. Most of the time, we would make love, but sometimes we would just hold one another.

Every day we fell a little more in love. Every day I let my walls down a little more, let her in a little more.

The night I told her just how I felt, she was curled up in my arms, fully clothed, but that was okay. It was one of those 'just snuggle' nights, and I was okay with that; she didn't want our relationship to be just about sex and hell, shocker here, neither did I. Anyway, we were lying on my crappy hotel bed with her head resting on my chest and her arms wrapped around my waist as I leaned back against the headboard. I was lightly stroking her golden hair, breathing in her scent and I leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the top of her head right before I whispered 'I love you'. I didn't even mean for it to happen - typical 'it just slipped out' excuse, but it's true - and I couldn't remember being more afraid in that moment. What if she freaked? What if she laughed? What if she ran? But she didn't do any of those things. She just smiled, snuggled deeper into my side, kissed my collar bone and whispered the words right back. And God damn, I had never been happier than in that moment.

The next week was even better than any of the ones that passed before. We didn't say the words again, but we didn't have to. I could see it in her eyes and she could see it in mine. Everything was wonderful, perfect even, but you know the sayin'; 'what goes up must come down'. Okay, so, maybe not the best sayin' to use in this situation, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, things were pretty much perfect...and then, it all fell apart. All because of fuckin' Soul Boy had to reappear with his 'centuries of torture in a hell dimension' shit. Fuckin' baby.

Funny thing about that...she didn't tell me he was back, but I knew somethin' was up. She grew more and more distant. After patrolling, she stayed with me less and less, always telling me with a sad smile that her mom was expecting her at home or she had a study session with Red. I knew something was wrong then, but I didn't want to believe it.

Until she stopped coming by all together. She would barely let me touch her, even when we were alone. She would always shrug off my hand or slowly move away. Her once long and sweet kisses became quick and withdrawn. It's weird...you know the end of something great is coming, but you want to hold on, just for one more second...just so it can hurt a little more.*

At night, I would miss her, crave her. My arms felt empty without her to lie in them. She and her bright smile and adoring eyes were gone. It was like she was never there at all, but every night as I lie my head back on my pillow and my eyes stung with tears I refused to shed, I could still smell her on my pillow and bed sheets, even on my own body; Honeysuckle and orange with a hint of strawberry. She was a poison, infecting my veins and I was letting her kill me.

Seeing her every day, watching her give me that pained, apologetic smile even as she practically avoided me like the plague was like dying inside. And I didn't understand it, any of it. I couldn't understand how we had gone from so blissfully in love to barely speaking. How could everything have been so perfect just weeks before? What had changed?

One day, I decided to confront her about it. I wanted to know what the fuck was up. Naturally, I was fuckin' pissed about the whole situation, not to mention confused and hurt but my pride would only let me show her how pissed I was. Even as her answer killed me...

"Faith," she said softly, hesitantly, as if she knew the next words she spoke would break me into a million little pieces, "I can't do this anymore. I...I just need to think about some things. I need space." All this time she's been avoiding me, and she couldn't come up with anything better than that fuckin' cliché line?

But I was right. She did break me, but I wouldn't let her see it.

"Yeah, sure. Space...No problem, B." If only she could hear the pain beneath my words. But she didn't want to, she didn't even try.

"I still want to be your friend. I love you, I do...but I'm just not sure if I love you like that, and I need time to figure it out." She was pleading now, but I wasn't going to listen to her plea, no matter how much I wanted to.

I was an all or nothing kinda girl, and if she couldn't give me her all, I would take nothing. But I still forced a dimply smile, shrugged my shoulders and said, "Sure. Friends."

Like she didn't know I could never be 'just friends' with her.

We went about the way we had before we decided to get all domestic after that conversation. We slayed, we teased one another, we trained and we flirted, but none of it was real, not for me. I had reconstructed my walls and I swore to myself never again to let her in. I refused to, especially after what had happened the last time I did.

I held her at arm's length, never letting her get too close. I couldn't bare it, and I couldn't believe I had been so fuckin' stupid.

Then, just days after our little conversation, I found out the real reason she wanted to be 'just friends'. Not from her, oh no, but from Xander. Who happened, by the way, to see them mackin' on one another through a dirty window of Soul Boy's mansion. Sure enough, I go to that fuckin' mansion, and what do I see? B suckin' face with a fuckin' vampire, one that not only tried to kill her and her friends - and succeeded in some cases - but nearly ended the world.

And in that instant everything made sense. All that hurt and confusion I had buried inside of me was gone and it was replaced with burning rage. She fuckin' used me, just like everyone else in my life. I thought things would be different with her, that she would be different, but I had never been more wrong. She was just using me. I was just her little play thing, good enough to fuck just long enough for her real honey came back from hell.

Serves me right for ever believing I could have something more with her, forever trying to change my 'get some, get gone' motto.

"Faith!" She exclaimed in surprises as she ripped away from her undead lover, her eyes flashing to me in shock. I said nothing, just stared back at her coldly, watching as she shifted beneath my gaze and fixated her eyes firmly on the floor.

She wouldn't or couldn't look at me; which, I didn't know and I really didn't care.

Instead, I turned to look at fuckin' Soul boy, standing all tall-dark-and-broody in his black jeans and black silk shirt, a look of confusion carved onto his face as he flicked his dark eyes between me and B. Our eyes met and I know he could see the hate in mine, but he didn't flinch away from it, didn't cower. It just made him more confused.

He would, eventually...fear me, that is... I would make sure of it. The last thing he would feel before I slammed my stake into his buff undead chest would be fear of me.

I didn't say anything. I just walked away.

I felt her as she raced after me, frantically grabbing my arm and pulling me around to face her as she called my name. I ripped myself from her grasp, turning a blank stare to her. Green eyes, full of regret and brimming with unshed tears met mine.

"Faith, It - it's not what you t-think. I-I was just...I was just..." she stuttered desperately.

"Just what, Blondie. Just tripped and fell on his lips?" I snapped sarcastically.

"No! It-it just...happened. I didn't mean-"

"Save it, B," I cut her off, not really wanting to hear her excuses, "Just friends, remember?"

And I walked away, only after getting a glance at the heartbreak in her eyes, but I didn't care. She had broken my heart, it was only fair to break hers right back.

She still hid behind her 'golden girl' image, still pretended nothing between us ever happened. She would never do something so wrong as to consort with another woman. She would never let anyone see that she wasn't as 'golden' as everyone thought she was. She would never show them that she was in love with someone like me. So she buried it inside of her, spent her days hanging with her pals and her nights snuggled with Soul Boy after we finish patrolling.

Just as I buried everything inside me, never letting my walls down, never letting her see that everything inside of me was nothing but chaos. Dark, brutal chaos. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

And then Alan Finch happened, and I saw my opportunity.

A part of me hated myself for what had happened. The Slayer in me hated that I had took a human life and a part of my own conscience did too, but I was heartbroken and betrayed and I wanted to hurt her back for hurting me. An eye for an eye, right?

So I blamed her for his death. When that plan fell through, I went to the Mayor. Deep down inside, I know it's all fake, all a huge act he puts on, but for the first time I had someone in my life that actually cared for me. That part deep down inside of me is screaming that he's a demon and he can't ever care for me, but I don't care. I knew he was just using me, just like everyone always had, but even his false affection and manipulation feels better than living with heartache. It's better than being alone.

So, big deal, I betrayed her. She betrayed me. I would show her what it felt like to hurt.

Her bedroom light flicking off tore me from my memories, the same ones that haunted me whenever I closed my eyes. I waited a few more minutes before I moved, sliding from the shadows with the grace only a Slayer could poses. I scaled the tree next to her roof silently, crept across the roof and loomed outside her window, which she always left open.

Her back was to me as I slipped inside, landing without a single sound and she never moved, but I knew she knew I was there. The hum along my spine had intensified, making the hairs on my arms stand on end.

She sat up, pushing the comforters aside, but she never turned to look at me. "I didn't think you'd come."

"Hello to you too, lover," I return with my typical smirk. She says nothing, and my smirk widens. "Well, I was gonna just do the stalker thing at first, but then I though stalkin' is just over-rated, so here I am," I drawled as I swaggered into the room, noticing nothing out of place and nothing has changed since I was here last.

"I'm glad you did," She says just as softly.

"Yea, right. I'm sure ya did. Just had to pencil me in for those twenty minutes Dead Boy's not hangin' all over ya, right?" Ah, sarcasm, my best friend. Bein' with B really turned me into a pussy, so it's good to put on Big Sister's clothes again.

"Faith..." She begins, turning to face me, her green eyes catching the moonlight in a way that makes my breath catch in my lungs, but I don't let her finish whatever sentence she's started.

"Graduation's comin' up. Ya ready for the big throw down?" Her eyes flash for a moment, and she sighs. Crisis averted.

"It doesn't have to be like this..." Okay, crisis not so averted.

"Yeah, it really does, B."

She stands, moving slowly toward me as if she thinks I'll flee at the first sign like a skittish animal, and she just might be right. But I stand my ground, and make believe that the closer she gets, the closer I want her to get and the more I want to take her in my arms and forget this nightmare ever happened doesn't exist.

"I never wanted this to happen. I didn't want it to be like this." So, this is confession time, huh?

"But it is, B. Nothin's gonna change that now. You made your choice, I made mine. Time to lie in the bed we made. Not together, of course. And that would be because of your choice, not mine." It's a low blow, but she hurt me so it's time to hurt her back. Her eyes are sad, but I refuse to drown in them.

"It was a mistake. I-I know you'll never trust me again, but if it means anything..."

"It doesn't," I harshly cut her off. Her eyes fall to the floor and I feel a stab of regret for causing the flash of pain I see there.

"Can we just...just forget this whole thing ever happened? Can we just go back to the place we were before?"

Damn. At her whisper, I feel my heart clench and some of the anger and hate I've forced myself to feel toward her drain away but I force myself to shake it off and remember everything she did to me. "Not possible, B. You got what you wanted, after all. You destroyed me, baby, made me into what I am today. Aren't you proud?"

Her eyes flit back to mine as I say it, and she steps closer, close enough to take my hands in her own. I want to pull away, but I can't. "It's not what I wanted. I never wanted to hurt you, please believe me when I say that. I just...Angel came back and I was confused and scared and-"

I pull away, take a few steps back and turn my back to her. "I really don't wanna hear it, B."

"But I need you to..." she whispers, her voice cracking slightly and her tone broken.

"Stopped carin' about what I needed a long time ago."

"No!" she protests, closing the distance between us and wrapping her arms around my waist as her head rests against my shoulder blade. My eyes clench shut against the feelings her touch well up inside of me. "I never stopped caring about you."

"Funny way of showin' it, B."

We stay like that for minutes, hours, I can't be sure. What I am sure of is that it's both a blessing and a curse. Feeling her against me again, her front pressed against my back, is like feeling whole again. All my anger, my hate just drains away and I'm left with the sensations she's creating in my body. Just her simple touch calms the chaos of my soul, but I know that as soon as I climb out of that window again, it will all come back and I'll be left with raging emotions.

It's like the calm in the eye of the hurricane. You only have a few moments to marvel at the sunlight barely peeking from behind the clouds, but those few moments are enough because they have to be. Even with the destruction around you, left by the raging storm, those moments of calm are a blessing.

Unable to stop myself, I turn in her arms and she pulls back a little, probably expecting me to push her away, but I don't. Instead, I pull her closer, wrap my arms around her shoulders and bury my face in her hair, inhaling her scent as deeply as my lungs will allow.

Again, we stay that way for God knows how long, just reveling in being this close again, but I know it doesn't change anything. We're still enemies, starcrossed lovers caught on two different sides. I won't let myself come back to her, and I won't let her come back to me. Not after everything that's happened.

"Stay," she whispers against my chest, tightening her hold just a tad when she feels me tense against her. "Just for tonight," she continues quickly. "Let's pretend just for tonight that none of this ever happened, that we're together like we used to be...please."

As much as I want to refuse her, I can't. It won't change anything. When I wake up in the morning, she'll still be my enemy, but I might never get another chance like this again. Come graduation, one of us is gonna die, and I don't know if I can live - or die - without ever feeling her in my arms again, without ever watching her sleep. So I pull away the slightest amount, her head lifts from my chest and our eyes meet. I can see the fear there, the fear that I'll reject her, push her away and leave. She's leaving herself vulnerable to me, open and exposed and this is probably the one time that I won't exploit it. She's giving me a chance to walk away and this is probably the one time that I won't. Because I'm open and exposed too...again.

Dammit.

I lift a hand and brush my thumb against her flawless cheek. Against her expectations, I lean forward and press my lips against her's and, as always, they taste like Strawberries. Her breath catches in her throat and she freezes for a second before she responds. It's slow and soft and gentle, everything you wouldn't expect from me, but it's everything we need right now. I can almost feel our wounds, old and new, caused by one another, heal and it doesn't matter if they'll be re-opened in the morning; tonight, we're healed.

"Okay," I whisper as soon as we break apart, our foreheads leaning against one another staring into each other's eyes. She smiles, pressing another soft kiss against my lips before taking my hand and leading me toward the bed.

There's no fucking, no making love, no sex...whatever you want to call it. We just lay there, holding one another like we used to so many months ago, sharing sweet kisses. We don't speak...our eyes say everything we can't.

Until, just before she drifts to sleep, she whispers to me, "I love you."

I don't say it back. I can't force myself to, but I still press a soft kiss to her forehead and in a few seconds her breathing is even, her heartbeat steady and I know she's asleep.

I lay there for hours, just watching her, lightly running a hand through her hair, tracing the lines of her face. I know I'll never get another chance like this again, and I want to make the best of it. She looks so innocent when she's asleep. All her walls are down and she looks like an angel. She's had to deal with too much shit in her life already, and she's only eighteen. I hate to admit that I'm the cause of too much of that shit.

The sun will rise in a few hours, and I force myself to move, to pull out of her arms. I look back one more time, memorizing the way she looks right now before I climb out the window, down the tree and jog down the street, leaving Revello Drive behind me and B with it.

The further I get away from her, the more the tingle down my spine becomes less intense and the more I want to run back to her and straight into her arms. But I won't. Sunrise is coming and we're enemies again, no matter how much we love each other.

Parting Notes; Bittersweet? Sad? Lemme know!

*This is one of my favorite quotes, by Unknown, unfortunately, but it fit the situation perfectly, as did the first quote by Neil Gaiman. Neil's quote was practically made for Faith, don't you think? ;D