Disclaimer: The Matrix is the Wachowski brothers' property.
Why Can't I…?
Summary: This is a short musing about Neo and his thoughts on the disadvantages of being The One. Slightly depressing. Neo's POV.
Spoilers: For the films, I guess. Don't read it if you haven't watched it and you plan to. I don't want to spoil it for you.
Readers of Brave Prince: Sorry…this is a semi-replacement chapter I guess. I wrote this a loooooong time ago. I think I might have a really bad case of LOTR block. I have been reading too much X-mean fan fiction lately…
Author's Notes: Please review! This is my first Matrix fic…
I am Neo. To Trinity, I am her friend and lover. To Smith, I am his arc enemy. To Morpheus, the crew and everyone else, I am their saviour. I am THE ONE. To me, I am Neo. A hacker who was once Thomas Anderson. I am me.
What changed so much? I don't see what is so special about being The One. I see it as a burden. A huge one. I have to save the world and it isn't easy. I didn't ask to become The One. I just was. Inside the dark depths of my heart, I still feel that I am the same coward. I feel like I am nothing like The One. Like it is a very separate part of me.
Ever since I have been unplugged from the unreality of the Matrix I feel that I have lived a life even less real. The only tangible, real thing that keeps me going is Trinity. She is real to me. Everything else seems unreal. Maybe it is the reverse. I feel like I am in another Matrix when I am in Zion. Two places that are so different, it is hard to comprehend.
Why can't I show weakness? I always have to be the stoic hero. Why do I always have to be strong? Because I am THE ONE. I hold the hope for all mankind. I have to be perfect. Flawless in every way. Why me? I feel that I always have to prove myself. To show that I am really The One… to show that my abilities aren't sliding. To show that I am not letting the fame get to my head.
Why can't I blend in and have some sense of normality? I wish I were mere wallpaper sometimes. I am not asking for much. Just one day to not be The One. How ironic. I just wish that I could be like everyone else. That I could just have a life and not be chased by agents every other minute. Ignorance is bliss isn't it? I wish I could forget everything. Maybe I should have taken the other pill. But then I would not have Trinity. There are downsides to every choice.
Why can't I take a break? Even heroes need a holiday. Why can't everyone see that? I am not a super-human program even if I do have exceptional abilities. I am still me. Still human.
Why can't I be fallible? I am human and I make mistakes. Just like everyone else. Being The One doesn't mean that everything I do is perfect. Everyone looks up to me but whom do I look to? No one thinks that I need help too. Am I beyond help? Can I save everyone but not myself?
Why can't I be me? The human, weak, imperfect, emotional person. I want to be another person walking down the streets of Zion. Such a simple wish but so hard to fulfil. I just want to be free of all this. Why can't I…
…be me?
Please Review! If you like Lord of the Rings, Legolas, Elrond and angst…please check out my other fics…