Author's note: Middle C, altho when she's having a good day, it might be G.

"CHRISTIAN! YOU BASTARD!"

Anastasia stands in the doorway of the playroom beholding a terrible sight. Her husband, Christian Grey, is at the table, his arm up to his elbow in his submissive's ass. #notaeuphemism

Christian is shocked.

"What!? Anastasia?! NO, this is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me!" Christian yanks his arm from his sub's ass.

"OWWW!" she yells.

"Shut up, Severine, you silly stupid slutty submissive! Get out of here! Taylor will take you home in your new Audi! Our contract is over! I love my wife Anastasia!" Christian is shouting and waving his arms and running his hands through his hair. "TAYLOR!" he shouts and Taylor appears as if by magic.

"Taylor, clear out Severine's stuff and take her home! We're through! I need Anastasia!" Taylor licks his lips and throws Severine over his shoulder.

"Christian, no, it's over! I'm filing for divorce!" Anastasia stalks out of the room and Christian runs after her, tears flowing down his face.

"Anastasia! No, you can't leave me! I need you!" Anastasia stalks down the stairs and Christian follows her. As she goes for the vestibule he lunges after her but he only manages to grab her ankle. She continues to the elevator, dragging him along the floor by her foot.

"Christian, let go of me! You cheated on me! We're through!"

"Anastasia, please! It was only an arm! I swear you're my one true love! And what about you and Gabriel Cross?!"

Anastasia stops in her tracks. "What about him?"

"You cheated on me with him!"

"How did you know? We wore disguises everywhere!"

"Oh, Mrs. Grey, you really think I couldn't see through your disguises? Why, Anastasia?! Why!? I gave you everything."

"Oh, Christian, I know you did but you were always so…distant."

"I know I was…distant. From now on I'll try to be…closer."

"Oh Christian, that's all I ever wanted."

"So you won't file for divorce?"

"Oh Christian, I can't file for divorce. I'm carrying your septuplets!"

"What?! Septuplets?! How do I know they're mine?"

"Oh Christian, are you still doubting me? Besides, Gabriel was shooting blanks. Elena gave him a vasectomy when she was cheating on you with him."

"What?! Elena cheated on me when I was her submissive?"

"Yes, Christian, Elena was evil in more ways than one. She personally gave Gabriel a vasectomy in her playroom. These septuplets I'm carrying are yours!"

"Oh, Anastasia, I'll finally have the NBA team I always wanted! We'll be rich!"

"Christian, we're already rich! And aren't basketball teams five players?"

"We'll have two ringers!"

"And what if they're girls?"

"Then we'll have a WNBA team; it'll be a charitable deduction!"

"Oh Christian, you're so smart! You should run for President!"

"Oh Anastasia, I can't! With my BDSM past, the only party that would have me are the Libertarians and no one votes for them!"

Severine walks past them followed by Taylor who's licking his lips while watching her delectable ass. But Christian only has eyes for Anastasia.

"Come, Anastasia, let's go to the playroom!"

"Ewww, Christian, you were just there with your submissive! The room needs to be cleaned!"

"Let's go find Gail! She'll clean it!"

Christian takes Anastasia's hand and they go to the kitchen to find Gail. But oh, what a surprise! Gail's in the kitchen with Sawyer! They don't even notice Christian and Anastasia, they're too busy doing it on the stove.

"Well, Mrs. Grey, it looks like we'll have to settle for plain old vanilla."

"Nothing plain about vanilla, Mr. Grey."

So Christian and Anastasia go to the bedroom for some Afternoon Delight.

And they lived Happily Ever After!

A/N: This is ordlas's inner goddess. I woke her up at 2:30 this morning when I played Christian Grey's arrangement of Chopsticks for the piano. I hijacked her, her mojo, her muse, and her subconscious. The incoherent ramblings above are the result of that hijacking. If you've read this far, you will be in serious need of brain bleach. We're running a special on 50 gallon drums.