The Perverse Grandpa and the Crazy Granddaughter
"You've got 3 more minutes, hurry up!!!"
I was panting already, but my iron fisted grandpa urged me on. Doing two hundred push ups wasn't easy, for average human beings. Doing 500 was even worse, but hey I didn't say I was any near normal did I?
My name's Mikan, I don't know my last name. No, I once knew it, but I buried it along with my past. I'm fifteen years old, female, and sadly, an A cup. I am a girl other people would call mediocre. I'm not that tall, but I'm not small. I've got simple looks but not gorgeous enough to win the hearts of all those willing males. But I'm not ordinary.
At the age of six years old, I learned basic martial arts, particularly karate, judo, aikido, and kendo. I was made to carry sacks of rice, two at a time, while crossing two mountains. It was also the dreadful year that I accidentally saw my grandpa "jingling" as he said it when I was hunting for a wild boar. And may I tell you, seeing your grandpa's thingy isn't a very delightful sight, it's more of traumatic.
At the age of eight years old, I earned the title of black belter in martial arts. I was also confronted with having cram sessions for archery and shurikenjitsu. My training escalated to carrying logs to the city, which is about two mountains and a two hour walk away. As for my near death experience, grandpa trained me how to determine poisons. What happened? Well he unintentionally placed a bottle full to brink of snake venom, thinking it was water, I drank my last two cups. It was a miracle I still survived. Grandpa blamed me for cutting our month's allowance for a half. And I blame him for being so irresponsible as to leave a deadly poison on top of the dining table.
At the age of eleven years old, I graduated from ninja school and attained the recognition of being the sole woman in history to ever acquire the Black position in our batch of males. I started accepting few missions that only requires stealth. I was forced to attend samurai classes run by the third son of the uncle of a friend of my grandpa's acquaintance. My training went from carrying loads to chopping trunks using a bread knife. Near death experience? Almost getting my head cut off by an amateur student who was bragging that he could cut a floating peach blossom petal even with a blind fold on, and seeing my grandpa's thingy once again when he went out of the bathroom because he forgot his towel in his room.
At the age of fourteen years old, I, Mikan, had finished my training and studies. I am now a full pledged assassin. I was often sent for more difficult missions that involve kidnapping, blackmailing and getting rid of people. By getting rid, I meant torturing, not necessarily killing them. I've circumcised almost twenty five men. Traumatic experience: Seeing those twenty five men's thingies.
See, that's not what a supposedly ordinary teen's life should be.
Grandpa excused himself for the moment, probably went off peeping at someone else's home.
I went in the forest to gather early morning dew. We don't have any of those pipes or luxurious bath tubs in our tree house, because for one thing we're poor, and for the other, even if we could afford a bath tub it'll probably weight too much for our brittle wooden house to handle.
I slowly poured the dew coming from the leaved into my water jug.
When I was done, the jug was full of fresh dew. Since I've got time to spare, I decided to do a little exploring. I haven't really scouted the whole mountain areas. Who knows? There might be a hidden cave here that has a chest full of jewels.
Like Tarzan, I swung vine to vine until I reached a dead end. I climbed the steep wall of rock with the aid of some boulders and grabbing on some safe shrubs.
Scratched and scathed I managed to arrive at the top without breaking a sweat. Making my own path through the compressed forest I reached the end. Another beautiful discovery. Unfortunately, it wasn't money nor was it of any significant value. But nevertheless the scene was breath taking.
I sat down near the cliff my feet dangling above two hundred feet of nothing but air. My eyes traveled from the slopes of the mountain covered with green trees, to the rowdy market place where I saw a thief getting caught by a fat lady who started hitting him with a broom stick.
Towards the west, the Lake of Tears lay. The name of the lake was derived from a legend, where old folks here believe that around a hundred years ago, a man confessed to a water nymph. The man never stopped meeting her even though it was prohibited for humans to interact with fairies. Gradually the man and the nymph fell into a forbidden love. One day, the man suddenly vanished and never came back to see her. So the nymph wanting to see the man again left her home to look for her lover. She searched for him through the vast lands, from kingdom to kingdom. And finally she arrived to a small village in Okinawa, where she saw her lover with another woman. Deranged she cursed him and the woman and their entire bloodline and went back to the lake. Since then, villagers claimed to have heard a maiden singing a tearful song. Oddly, sometime between the twentieth of December to the eight of January it was said that snow suddenly rises from the lake along with the water nymph hoping to see her beloved once again back to her arms.
If I were her, I'd give up. Love is simpleminded, not to mention burdensome. I had my fair share of love tragedies and rejections and I tell you loving and not being loved back hurts. Especially with this one boy, I never knew his name, but I used to play with him a lot. His parents happen to have a villa near here, so we often team up and play in the forest. But one time he was attacked by a lion, but he survived. His parents forbid me form meeting with him again. When he was about to depart, I managed to talk with him alone and expressed my alien feelings in words. He merely smiled, an angelic smile at that, and left. That marked the end of my first and only love.
Then, my eyes landed on the Royal palace. It stands out, the most, with its sky reaching towers and grand gates. Those gates were the entrance to every girl's dream. For others it may be because of the rumored handsome princes or perhaps the grand marble floors where a woman dresses up in elegant dresses and dance to their hearts content, but for me I only fantasize of three things.
Food-that I may never go hungry again.
Money-that I may never go poor again. And,
Private bathrooms-that I may never see my grandpa's thingy ever again.
Rich people sure got it easy. They simply have to wave, smile and fake interest about actually caring for the people. Whereas peasants, like us, have to work our butts off to earn enough money for food sufficient enough for the family. Rich people could order around their maids or servants or butlers or slaves and get what they want. Peasants, if order another fellow peasant around earns a good punch from that person. At a young age we become independent and earn for a living. Plus, rich people wouldn't have to go to the trouble of seeing their grandpa naked, because they would never see their grandpa naked! They have separate rooms and each one has their own bathrooms! Sorry, as I said it was a traumatic experience for me. I'm just taking my depression out.
I stretched my hands and heaved a sigh. I better get going. I've lax around long enough already. I'll definitely earn extra push ups for this.
Taking my jug I stood near the cliff and jumped.
I went home ninja style, jumping tree to tree and earning myself a dozen eggs at that. Can rich people do that?!
When I returned home, it was oddly quiet. Normally grandpa would get out of the shower and scold me. Instead, grandpa was waiting for me at the dining table.
He sat down drinking tea silently. For once, he looked like your typical grandfather unlike the usual underwear thief kind.
"Mikan, sit down." He commanded sternly.
I placed the jug down on the table and do as I was told.
"We have a new customer." Grandpa said.
That was good news. We assassins earn a living by getting hired by rich people and do things for them, the higher the risk, the greater the bounty. Most of them are aristocrats holding a grudge against a fellow noble. Sometimes we're ordered to kill someone. We demand a higher fee to those people. And when it's stealing we're talking about, we claim ownership of thirty percent of the item.
"What do we do?" I asked all giddy.
"This time, you'll be alone." He replied.
Cool, my first ever solo mission.
"So what does my client want?"
Grandpa was silent for a few minutes.
"Okay, fine, how much?"
"Five."
"Woah!!! Five thousand?! That's enough to last for a month."
I could even buy some sweets in the market form the leftovers.
"No. Five…" Grandpa stammered.
"Wait, don't tell me it's five hundred thousand!!!!!!!! Oh grandpa we hit the jackpot!!!"
Grandpa shook his hand.
"Then what is it idiotic old man!!!"
Grandpa looked me in the eye. His message came across. Grandpa and I have the ability to send each other a message by simply looking at each other's eyes.
"Five…FIVE MILLION!!!" I screamed.
With that we could build a normal house, and still have enough for our living expensed for years to come. Imagine the number of sacks of rice that I could buy using that money. And maybe, just maybe, I could buy women's clothing, cute dresses, instead of my loose cotton sweatshirts, dirty old shorts, torn up sandals and mysterious black cloaks. Even if I don't have the qualifications, I want to actually wear proper women underwear. I'm tired of getting grandpa's hand me down briefs. Yeah, that's right. I wear briefs, that was used by my grandpa no less.
"Don't get too excited Mikan. This is a dangerous mission. We're battling against the army this time."
"Eh? Does this mission have something to do with the capital?"
"Not just that. We are asked to, poison the Crown Prince."
My eyes widened. When grandpa referred to the army, he really wasn't exaggerating. He wasn't even close to the actual reality. Killing the Crown Prince would cost us our heads. The royal guards, the army, and maybe the armies of this kingdom's allies would send us to a wild goose chase. It's bound to result to riots all over the land and the countrymen would probably get involved in hunting us down.
"You're kidding me. Kill the prince? Not a second will pass before our heads will be chopped off."
Grandpa nodded.
"That's why I decided to turn down the offer. It's too risky. It would give birth to suspicions, and if worst comes to worst the kingdom will fall to a state of monarchial disorder, anarchy."
I've never heard grandpa speak like this before. His vocabulary only extends from common words to matters of the female anatomy. But right now, he seemed like an intellectual man.
Waterfall tears started gushing out form his eyes.
"Five million!!! FIVE MILLION! Five million!! FIVE MILLION! Five million!!! Five million!" Grandpa screamed like a mad man.
I punched him hard in the stomach. He went unconscious and slept like a baby. I didn't have sedatives with me so the manual method is the only option left to keep him quiet.
Though grandpa said stuff about the kingdom falling to a state of monarchial disorder, he doesn't really care about that at all. Because if he did, he wouldn't be stealing every woman's underwear at night. He's just worried about me. Messing with the royal family, is no joke even for a clown. Wa! Get it? No joke even for a clown? Ahem, excuse me. Getting back to the point. They'll certainly tear me limb from limb.
OPTMISTIC THINKING:
"Your highness, I'm sorry but I killed your beloved son, the future heir of the throne." I said bowing in front of the King and Queen.
"It's alright. He was a pain in the ass anyway. What we need for this country is a lawful icon of justice!!! You should be the Crown Princess!" The King exclaims.
"Yes, that son of mine is worthless. Unlike you Mikan, you should be queen." The Queen would say.
"Oh, you're too kind." I'd curtsy and laugh at the Prince's corpse.
Yeah right, like that would happen. But it's just wishful thinking though, if it were to happen, who am I to turn down the offer am.
I went to my room and threw myself on my bed, which was just a mat on the floor, so basically I threw myself on the floor, which hurt a little. The moonlight glow loomed over me as I faced the wide open window.
I really do love the darkness of the night. You could hear the crickets and croaking of the frogs. The air is cold and fresh. There's some sort of mystery behind it, and I like it.
"Stupid old man." I muttered.
Rather than living a carefree life, having a fine home with your own personal bathroom with a bath tub, owning your very own resort or buying a hundred Playboy magazines, my grandfather chose to protect me. Though it made him feel bad about it, he insisted. And though I could take on the job if he's truly up for it, he demanded I not.
I don't really get old people. Sometimes they'll lecture you about this and that and when you answer back respectfully they'll blow up and have a speech about patience even thou they're the ones who need it and then later they'll bake you cookies saying sorry and when you finished those plate of cookies they'll get mad again and have another long speech about dieting, glucose and high blood pressure even if they're the one's who should be taught about that. Get what I mean?
But I really am proud of grandpa.
And just to let you know, grandpa was once a gold medalist sumo wrestler and when he retired he became a world renowned runner. Being terribly fat and running fast doesn't mix, and that makes my grandpa even more amazing. His body may be that of an old wrinkly ready to die man, but his mind, heart and soul reeks of youth and his desire for teen aged women proves it.
Before I knew it, I dozed off.
And I dreamed of the day when I first saw grandpa's thingy. I believe it was a bad omen. It really is.
I woke up habitually early the next day.
The pale moon was replaced with the cheerful sunshine. The light blinded my eyes.
I yawned and rubbed my eyes. I stood up and went to my rat collection. Yes, I collect rats. For people rats or mice are merely pests, hideous beasts that munch on leftover food or destroy their new dresses, but my rats are special. I personally potty trained them and they also became my spies. Rats are very useful, especially for an assassin like me. First of all, their urine is a powerful poison. Second their very presence causes a disturbance giving me a chance to steal whatever goods I want. In other words, rats are my partners in crime.
"Good morning Lord Dougwell, Lady Ambreham, Samuel Harolds, Chancellor William…" I named my pets after their household owners. During my missions, I tend to bring home a souvenir. I prefer pets, mostly rats, but when I get nasty I steal snacks out of their pantries.
Taking my laundry with me, I headed for the nearby falls.
After undressing, I jumped from the tree in a cannonball position and landed on the water creating a huge splash. I shivered, the water was ice cold. I played in the water for a few moments then washed my dirty clothes.
I hanged the damp clothes on an extending branch of the tree.
I went back to the spring for a final dip.
The sky was awfully blue, like a deep ocean, and the clouds were like foam. The leaves of the trees shielded me from the sun's harmful glares.
The rustling of the faraway trees startled me. The water rippled, and the land shook.
Something was coming.
I dove and got a small stone from the bottom of the spring. With great force, I hurled the stone towards the probable origin of the loud thuds.
And what greeted wasn't pretty…it was absolutely cute!
A twenty feet tall…chick emerged angrily.
"Damn!" I cursed. It was a beast. This was the first time I've encountered something like this. Beasts are normally restricted to the public and are detained within the palace walls.
Swimming back to land, I snapped a branch ignoring my recently cleaned clothes now soiled in mud.
I prepared to throw my modified spear but stopped midway.
This creature is too cute for a beast!!!
Chickzilla (what I decided to call it) stomped towards me.
If grandpa were to see me now, he'll scold me for being vulnerable for sure. Speaking of which, where is he anyway!!!
So in the end, I scrammed.
A shadow loomed over me as I ran, and surprisingly when I looked up, there it was Chickzilla soaring in the sky.
Another thing, how could an enormous animal fly with just a pair of tiny wings?
There were indeed a lot of mysteries in this world.
Chickzilla was gaining on me. It had incredible wing power, comparable with my leg muscles. But I wasn't about to lose to a giant furball.
A loud whistle hurt my ears. Chickzilla stopped chasing me and turned right.
Curiosity took over me. I followed it.
"Piyo! My dear Piyo!!!"
Hiding behind a tree trunk I watched as a gorgeous boy pet Chickzilla. They, Chickzilla and the boy, were cuddling and swooning over each other, like a couple. It was disgusting. But the guy…seemed familiar.
His hair was like the sun, blonde and shining. His eyes were like the ocean, deep and cerulean. His smile was tender and his expression sweet and loving. Moreover, he was hot. Because of too much cuddling, three buttons of his white polo were open revealing a muscular porcelain chest.
I could feel my cheeks heat up. If I could recall, you call this abnormal reaction, blushing, am I correct? This was the second time that I've ever experienced this in my life.
In my vision, this boy had wings coming from his back, an angel that fell from the heavens. A silhouette hovering over his pale complexion. With a wonderful chest…
I wiped the drool off my face.
Chickzilla might've noticed me and glared at my direction. I couldn't react. My body froze as Mystery Boy's blue orbs met with my plain chocolate ones.
"Are you lost, Miss?" His voice was a choir of singing angels to my ears.
"Ruka." Someone called him.
"Ah, Natsume."
"Let's go back."
"Wait the lady over there---…" Ruka's voice trailed off.
I was panting heavily when I reached home.
Ruka! His name was Ruka!!! My cheeks began heating up again. We even talked, though it was only one sided.
I could feel my heart thumping faster. I took deep breaths hoping to calm my delicate heart but no matter how I try Ruka's face smiling was stuck on my mind.
"Grandpa! Grandpa!" I need a cure for this right away. Any minute now my heart might switch places with my pancreas.
I couldn't find grandpa anywhere. Could he be stealing women's underwear again?
A folded piece of paper caught my eye. It was on top of the dining table with a ring as paperweight.
It read:
We have abducted your grandfather.
If you want him back unharmed you better follow my commands.
Before the royal Coronation be sure to eliminate the Crown Prince,
If you are cannot complete this mission before the Coronation, do not be surprised if you
Happen to find your grandfather's head in your living room.
Beware,
--Your grandfather's abductors
I clenched my fist and crumpled the paper.
They must've used underhanded procedures in order to capture grandpa. Grandpa's foolish enough to be lured out by D cup women or female lingerie. But he wasn't foolish enough to be easily kidnapped by some grudging employer.
If it weren't for the fact that grandpa holds our monthly savings not to mention my earnings, I would've been glad that he'll finally be out of my life.
"BAKA JIJI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The next day, with my clothes packed, my voice rusty, my pets in my bag, I made my way to the castle.
Narrator: And so our utterly pitiful heroine chose the path of saving her precious underwear nabbing grandfather for the sake of her savings. In her path she will face with danger in order to achieve her goal. She will cross the deepest trench, and climb the steepest mountains, she will soar the foggiest skies---
"Oh shut up. You're exaggerating." Really, narrators are of no importance, they're simply stuck up idiots with blessed with the ability of annoying others and good vocabulary that's it.
Narrator: Hey, I'm working here. Back to the story…she will fight against the forces of evil, a duel between light and darkness, of deception and truth and achieve her success through perseverance, patience and determination.
"I said shut up. And what the hell is perseverance anyway."
Narrator: You don't know because you're an idiot. Now if you could be kind enough to allow me to pursue my script please shut your blabbering trout, you hoodlum!
"Oh please stop speaking! Your voice makes my ears bleed!"
Narrator: Hey bitch, if you keep on yapping you can kiss your happily ever after goodbye.
"I don't intend having one! And I'm not a bitch!!! How dare you call me one?!"
Narrator: Me?! I am simply doing as what I'm told. Argue with my boss, I'm innocent. And FYI, for a non bitch, you're bitchy!
"Wanna die?!"
From afar, an innocent, pure minded, child trembles as he observes our heroine arguing with an unknown voice only she could hear.
"Ma, that woman's crazy."
Narrator: Indeed, our protagonist really is crazy.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING CRAZY!!!!"
Yo! !! haha! Sorry about my previous story, I guess I kinda lost inspiration…sorry to all those people who supported me, I ended up disappointing you. But I promise to make up to you, I'd rather die than not finish this fanfic!!!
Oh and be sure to try listening to this song: Your Call by Secondhand Serenade!!! Haha!!! Hope you enjoyed it!!!
MOST EMBARASSING THING THAT HAPPENED FOR THE WEEK:
I was watching the Single Ladies music video on MTV, I suddenly got a groove on so I started following the dance steps, you know with the hips swaying side to side and going down to the floor, but I didn't know my grandma had guests and when I turned around…TADAH!!! A group of visitors were watching me with wide open mouths!!! Haha! But at least I got a donation of two hundred pesos!!! Yeah!!!
Expect something better next chappie!!! Sayonara!!! OHOOHOHO!