It's the longest thing i've written in a while, and once again i got the inspiration from a song.
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BURNING
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"All I ever craved were the two dreams I shared with you.
One I now have, will the other one ever dream remain?
For yours I truly wish to be."
Cold, cold, everything felt unbearable cold, colder than my inhuman skin; without her warmth nothing was real, naught, not the voices of my, our family downstairs, nor the sounds of the outside world seemed to exist, it was just her.
She was lying there static, covered in blood, her mouthwatering aroma marred with the smell of the morphine -and how I hoped it was helping her- and I remembered my own inferno.
How the burning felt, the excruciating pain, the anguish of feeling alive; for life meant pain, anguish. The slowly passing time, the consuming thoughts of inadequacy, such pain meant sin, meant hell, eternal damnation.
The fire burning every nerve, every vein, every millimeter of skin; the scorching thirst that added to the agony; the feeling of your fighting heart, struggling to defeat the enemy that won even before starting the battle; and I remembered how I trashed, screamed and cursed, Begging, pleading for mercy, only to hear Dr. Carlisle Cullen, trying to make amends, and apologizing. The burning so consuming that I can only remember it. And while anything gave relieve, those actions didn't help lesser the misery, they were the only things that seemed possible at that time.
So why wasn't she moving? Why wasn't she screaming? I needed to hear her voice, even in despair, I needed to know she was still with me, her heart answered my silent plea and changed its rhythm, remembering me it was still fighting, she was still here, my wife, my love, my life, my reason to be.
I was a monster, I didn't deserve the happiness she gave me, nor the sweet little child that awaited down the stairs, and how I loved her, my child, my daughter, but I couldn't bare to look into her eyes, those deep brown pools, just like her mother's, whose side I could not leave, I've held Renesmee just a couple of times outside Carlisle's study -that became Bella's stake-
Ever felt away with me
Just once that all I need
Entwined in finding you one day
I was torn, never before felt the necessity to be with someone apart from Bella, the desire to share my time with another girl, never felt the relieve of being away. And in this moment, in her greatest time of need, my instincts decided to change, to split their attention, to kiss and hold another body aside from hers close to mine; I couldn't stay away from Bella, but I needed to be with Renesmee.
I had caused this, the ultimate ache, and the knowledge that I was the one to put her in this situation was just unbearable. I failed my sole purpose in life, to protect her, to keep at bay everything from minivans, to sadistic nomad vampires. But, I failed to see, failed to keep ME at bay.
It was like sitting besides someone's deathbed, there is not much you can say, or do, just wait for the unavoidable, listening every change in her respiration, how she struggled to keep the air coming, how the color from her skin melted away leaving nothing but cold white –and I could see it, even under the thick layer of blood that covered my beloved's body- how the pace of her heart slowed down, and then I could count every feint beat that meant my love's life was sliding away. Yes, just like a deathbed, just hopping and begging for that person's sake, wishing the dark angel to come by fast, to relieve the torment.
The remorse of my actions was driving me insane, how, when, why?? Oh, why did I do this?
I squeezed her hand, expecting, hoping for her to squeeze back, but she was a lifeless corpse, no!! not a corpse, she was not dead, I could hear her heart, the precious sound that meant so much to me, that meant she was safe, but now, I wouldn't hear it again….no, not a corpse, but her too still, excessively quiet body scared me, the sharp guilt was consuming me. How could I have been so selfish? I shouldn't have done this, she didn't knew what she was asking for, but yet, she did everything to keep our child alive, and I was not going to disappoint her, I would fight with her, and wait by her side, I would not bend to the pain.
I felt like drowning, but, no I couldn't act, couldn't pretend…I couldn't fool myself, I was a coward, and the thought of existing without her had me paralyzed.
Would you do it with me
Heal the scars and change the stars
Would you do it for me
Turn loose the heaven within
I could not get rid of the motionless expression from my face
And I couldn't be, couldn't breathe, couldn't blink, couldn't stand, couldn't talk, couldn't cry, all those human actions I took for granted, and now I couldn't do anything, I was nothing without her. And just like that day at Isle Esme, I was in shock; I was the one to blame for the pain I knew she was feeling, the consuming inferno she was in, and yet she didn't move an inch; and that's how my father found me, with my eyes wide open staring at nothing, my hand clutching Bella's smaller one. His presence shook me a little and I was capable of a little speech
"Bella? Can you hear me?" She didn't answer, she didn't gave any indication, any sign, and I was terrified, she was supposed to be doing something, anything
"Bella? Bella, love? Can you open your eyes? Can you squeeze my hand?"
I added a little pressure in her hand, and I was in misery, so much more than a few seconds before.
"Maybe... Carlisle, maybe I was too late." I tried to keep my voice even, trying to keep locked some of my tension, but the thought of her dying was too much, and I couldn't say the whole phrase in an even tone.
"Listen to her heart, Edward. It's stronger than even Emmett's was. I've never
heard anything so vital. She'll be perfect."
"And her – her spine?"
"Her injuries weren't so much worse than Esme's. The venom will heal her as it did Esme."
"But she's so still. I must have done something wrong." She had to move, she had to scream, I had to know, to feel her pain, I condemned her, I had to be punished. Without warning, a sob wrenched itself out of my chest, and I wished I were capable of tears. My father eyed me warily, searching the words that could be of help.
"Or something right, Edward. Son, you did everything I could have and more. I'm not sure I would have had the persistence, the faith it took to save her. Stop berating yourself. Bella is going to be fine."
Fine? Fine was not enough, she was not here!!! Where was my Bella???
"She must be in agony." I said, my father's words, the ones that always managed to bring so calm were ineffective, they did nothing to diminish the wrenching guilt that was devouring me.
"We don't know that. She had so much morphine in her system. We don't know the effect that will have on her experience."
Experience? That word wasn't appropriate for this moment; she didn't need any of this in her life, I wasn't supposed to be near her, it was my own selfish desires, my need for her, the reason she was suffering.
This, she had to ask for this, nothing more, nothing less, eternal damnation; and I knew from the time she asked for it after Italy, that I was lost, there was nothing I wouldn't give, the idea of having her at my side for eternity was too much and I knew, even against my better judgment I would bestow it willingly. I am a selfish creature, I sin, I covet her, I desire her, and I would do anything for her. To have her.
My mind numbed with so many memories found its way to show me her pretty face when I left her in the woods, in that silly conception she was better off alone, or was she? my mind's eye focused on the images I caught from Charlie's, Jacob's, Angela's, even Mike's minds of the time I was gone, her haunted expression, her hollow, unexpressive eyes…
I've hurt her so much, so many times.
The bruises on her body, her marred porcelain skin, on what should've been a perfect, wonderful moment, our first night as husband and wife, but just like so many experiences, Bella ended hurt, I hurt her.
Now I was condemning her to a life without sun, without warmth, without ties, and how would this hurt Charlie too, his pain was comparable to mine, he as well loved her without restriction, for him, she was everything; and I was stealing her.
"Bella, I love you. Bella, I'm sorry." I whispered, I had to remain strong for her.
Sadly my mind had an enormous space to work, to wonder, and while a part of my brain was focused in her, trying to notice every change, the other was imagining thousands of different scenarios, horrific, gruesome images, my Bella screaming, and trashing, my Bella dying in my arms over, and over again, Isabella killing a human, her eyes crimson red, and then blaming me, Bella in pain, Bella's thirst, Bella being burned.
I remembered clearly that one newborn the Volturi captured after defeating Victoria, and I saw her, my love in the scared vampire's place, her limbs ripped from her, and then the fire….I damned her, I condemned her. In the past caused her pain, in the present letting her body and soul die and risking her future.
Uncertainty, false hopes, deceiving brightness, thoughts, images, I couldn't maintain my focus.
"Hello, brother" Alice whispered as she walked into the room, she was carrying clean sheets, towels, water and what appeared a cocktail dress.
I'd take you away
Castaway on a lonely day
Bosom for a teary cheek
My song can but borrow your grace
"Help me, help her." I said pained, my voice trembling knowing there was nothing any of us could do, for I would happily trade places with her, anything to keep her from hurting "I need to know, Alice, please, will she be ok?"
"I guess, I think, I want to…" she said resigned, she wasn't seeing her clearly, just a blur, because in that moment Bella was half a human, half a vampire "the future hadn't change" she looked at me "I still see the same thing, her arm around my waist" she paused for a second, biting her lip, a nervous act she caught from the humans we tried to impersonate"It's blurry, but is there"
She eyed me cautiously, and then she looked the scene in front of us, Bella's clothes were torn, you could see the gash in her stomach, and the blood around us, it was like a pool, the floor was full of it, so were the soaked bed sheets under my wife's body, but I guessed it didn't bother her, the smell, she like me, loved Bella, and the incredible smell of her blood was not appealing in this instant.
"Why don't you go downstairs and keep your daughter a little company" and while the words should be comforting, while something I never hoped for was real, I was a father, I couldn't, and I just couldn't leave her side. My sister saw my response before I even voiced it.
"Please? I want to be with her, you know I'm worried too, let me take care of her" the pleading tone disarmed me, and I knew Alice was concerned too, Bella meant so much to her "I'll get her clean, okay?" and I understood this was her way to take care of Bella, of dealing with the uncertainty
The living room seemed like another universe, the air felt unsoiled –except for the werewolf smell- it was a different atmosphere, I allowed the environment to wash over me, and I finally saw Rosalie in a new light; the way she was cradling Renesmee showed a tenderness I never saw in her; such a big difference from the vain Rosalie I've known for decades, and now I understood her craving, her desire; I simply felt her rage slipping away.
I was with my baby for some minutes, but even the peace she transmitted, the surprise and pride I felt when she showed me her gift weren't enough to keep the pain locked away, I needed to share the wonderful child our daughter was. I needed her to see Renesmee.
After holding my baby in my arms, smelling her clean sweet scent, taking advantage of having Jasper around, and declining Emmet's plea to hunt –and while the proposition was tempting, for my throat was burning, the last time I hunted was about a couple of weeks before my baby's birth, I just couldn't- I returned to Carlisle's studio a little relaxed, not a lot, not really, but a little, enough to endure the coming hours of torture, but the sight that greeted me was quite different, and it lift my spirits a tiny little bit, Alice was brushing Bella's recently washed hair, the overwhelming smell was practically gone, she was not covered in blood and my Bella was shinning, Alice kissed her forehead while I tried to smile, I rushed to her side, sat in the chair marked as my permanent spot, to hold her now clean hand, and I saw little markers that told me she was more in our side, than at death's, her skin was white, but not the waxy, unhealthy yellowish-white from a few hours before, it looked more like my skin, not completely, but better, her lips looked a little fuller, and I had to reprimand myself, had to repress the urge to kiss her.
"Isn't she a beauty?"
"yes" I answered without bothering to read my sister's thoughts, too preoccupied staring at the most perfect creature in the whole world, eying my gorgeous, sexy wife, and again I had to reprimand myself, this was nor the moment or time to think such venalities, it was just she looked so appealing in that blue gown, NO, NO! she was still between life and death, ad even if she made it, and woke up -I couldn't dare to hope just a little, because I was not worthy of the elation she brought to my meaningless existence- even if, it would be a long time before she really noticed me, like that, as a new born, her attention would be focused in her thirst, not in fulfilling her wifely duties, as my human mother used to say –and it's funny that is one of the few things I remember- No, the scorching feeling in her throat would consume her every thought, no time to lustful wishes, I would have to wait, after all I waited for a century, another year was not much; it was just she looked so good, and now she wouldn't be breakable, no more measuring every movement, just letting go…
Come out, come out wherever you are
So lost in your sea
Give in, give in for my touch
For my taste for my lust
"I meant Nessie" Alice's voice broke trough the fog that invaded my brain; she laughed at my expression, I knew that if it was possible, I would have blushed. She squeezed my shoulder and left, leaving me to watch out for her best friend; I was still holding her hand, it was cold, not her usual welcoming warmth, she was death cold, like me.
It was better, yes, but it wasn't enough, and the elation her improved, cleaner appearance gave me lasted just a few moments, she was still lying there like an inanimate object
The wait, waiting, waiting, waiting, sitting staring, like a statue that watches how the time passes by.
I was sure time was unimportant until I met her; it was just a thing that existed, made its presence known by changing the humans around us, a necessity for them to continue living. During my time with her, it was so much more, it was a reminder of our differences, of her fragility and wavering nature; before her, time was a monotonous rhythm, a never changing companion, with Bella, times speed up, seconds, minutes and hours blurred together….The time markers slipped through my fingers, fading as they appeared . And suddenly forever wasn't enough, now we were so close to eternity and the guilt coursed through me without hint of backing off.
Discomfort, distress, pain, guilt, sickness, sadness, despair;
I cursed my own multifaceted nature, feeling so many things at the same time was maddening, I was ready to pull my hair from the roots, I already tried without much success. Happiness, love, so much love, so much joy, while I was feeling this, I felt so guilty, it was so bloody unfair, I couldn't be glad in a moment like this, yet I was a father, I was going to raise a child, we were going to.
Pain, loss, emptiness, loneliness, how was I going to do it alone? … Desolation. I needed her.
I let my mind drift for a little moment to some pleasant thoughts; more than a couple of seconds weren't fair, I didn't deserve relieve, I deserved the pain; I imagined my baby in her mother's arms, and a lot of other images of a family, opening presents at Christmas, celebrating birthdays and doing normal, common activities.
After what seemed an eternity, or just a couple of seconds, I really don't know, my sister walked in again, this time her expression relaxed.
"How much longer?" I asked.
"It won't be long now," Alice answered her voice in a different tone. "See how clear she's becoming? I can see her so much better." She sighed.
"Still feeling a little bitter?"
"Yes, thanks so much for bringing it up," she grumbled. "You would be mortified too; if you realized that you were handcuffed by your own nature. I see vampires best, because I am one; I see humans okay, because I was one. But I can't see these odd half-breeds at all because they're nothing I've experienced. Bah!"
"Focus, Alice."
"Right. Bella's almost too easy to see now."
And I saw it, saw her, one of the firsts visions Alice had about Bella, her arm around my love's shoulders, and Bella's around her waist, sweet Bella's eyes red.
"She's really going to be fine".
"Of course she is."
"You weren't so sanguine two days ago."
"I couldn't see right two days ago. But now that she's free of all the blind spots,
it's a piece of cake."
"She's going to be dazzling." Alice said with a huge satisfaction, in her mind I could see her shopping with Bella, for Bella.
I couldn't help but growl; she was already, always had. "She always has been."
Alice snorted. "You know what I mean. Look at her."
And I did, how couldn't I? That was all I've been helplessly doing all this time If I thought she was stunning before, this was nothing compared to, to… there wasn't any worthy of being compared to her, Aphrodite would look plain next to my Bella, I was dazzled, as she often put it.
I noticed the change on her heartbeat, more frantic than ever before "Carlisle," I softly called. He arrived less than a second after, Alice was at his side.
"Listen," I stated the obvious. The pounding of her heart was loud, really loud; it's final movements for eternity
"Ah," Carlisle said. "It's almost over."
My relief at his words was almost incomprehensible, the wait was over, this was the beginning of eternity, of life, of existence, of happiness. "Bella? Bella, love?"
And then she opened her eyes and gazed above her in wonder.
And she was with me, no more waiting, she was mine for eternity, I was hers.
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I Hope you enjoyed it, please leave a review, it's always good to know what you people think, it's free, and doesn't take a lot of time..
Song: Ever Dream by the wonderful finnish band Nightwish