Not in My Shadow
Thor hears Loki enter his chamber. It is a little unnerving, the other man's sudden transparency, how little effort he is making to disguise himself and his movements. They are both essentially trapped on this vessel, hundreds of light years from civilization. But Loki still has his ways. It is unclear whether he is tired, or if he is simply being pragmatic, or if he is motivated by something else altogether. Thor knows not why his brother opted to join him and he fears that any sort of inquiry will compromise Loki's decision to remain on board.
"Hey," Loki says, when Thor does not acknowledge him right away.
He nudges the side of his brother's leg with his knee.
"What?" Thor asks, pretending to be annoyed by the interruption.
This is a game that they have been playing for as long as Thor can remember. He cannot let on how glad he is to have his brother here, how relieved he is just to see him in his corporeal form. It would only be interpreted as a demand or an obligation.
"You have business to attend to," Loki states, sharply. He then smirks and adds, "your highness."
Thor turns and looks at him with his good eye. Loki has dropped his illusion. His long, black locks fall limply at his shoulders in their natural waves. Thor recalls the way their unique raven color would reflect the light as he parted them with a comb. He misses his own hair desperately, the weight of it, the texture of it against his neck. He is briefly tempted to reach out and run his fingers through his brother's tresses. Though he is confident the gesture would not be welcome. He brings his hand up to his own recently shorn mane instead.
"Your people are hungry," Loki reminds him, curtly.
He sounds bored. But it is a ruse. Even without his illusions, he is always wearing a mask.
Thor clears his throat.
"Yes, of course," he agrees. "We cannot know how long it will take to reach Earth. Food is limited. It will have to be rationed."
"You should feed the infants and children first," Loki responds. He raises his voice a bit, once he senses that his counsel is being taken seriously. "Then nursing mothers and elders."
Thor nods his approval.
"Right."
"And I think it would be prudent to set aside some emergency rations for...the beast."
Thor chuckles at his brother's phrasing.
"The beast? I thought you liked Bruce."
"That thing is not Bruce. And if it is not properly fed, it might decide to make a hasty snack out of what remains of your royal subjects. Then who would worship you?"
"The people do not worship me," Thor dismisses. "And Hulk does not eat people."
"He is a dangerous enough creature. You have no idea how he will turn if he is denied sustenance. Just think how you behave when you have gone without food for a few days."
"Point taken," Thor concedes. Though he seriously doubts Hulk would resort to eating Asgardians, it does not seem worth arguing about.
"You should also account for any orphans," Loki adds. "See if they can be assigned to existing family units. And make sure any separated parties are reunited."
"Very good."
He folds his hands together.
"And you'll want to sort your remaining citizens according to their skills, specifically those with flight or combat experience. Then establish some rotating shifts so that everyone does their part, and everyone gets a chance to rest."
Loki studies his brother.
"Including you, by the way. You have not slept properly in several days and it is beginning to show. How do you hope to be an effective leader, if you insist on depriving yourself of rest?"
Thor cannot help himself. Though he doubts that the praise will be appreciated, he is pleased and he wishes for Loki to know it.
He clasps brother's shoulder, briefly.
"You really are good at this, you know."
Loki rolls his eyes.
"Uh huh."
"Probably even better than I am."
Loki snorts with amusement. But Thor can detect the pain behind it, the acrimony, the uncertainty. Loki does not believe the sentiment is sincere. He may even be insulted.
When they were but children, Thor regarded Loki's inability to elicit Odin's praise as some kind of failure on his part. He wanted to help his brother to be better, so that he too might gain his father's approval. Thor deduced that if Loki had any hope of improving himself, he would have to be constantly reminded of his inadequacies. And thus, he was tightfisted with his affirmations, awarding them sparingly, all the while oblivious to the damage being done. It wasn't until they were both far older that Thor realized such methods were not only ineffective, but possibly even harmful. That was all so long ago. And while Thor has many regrets, he longs now to simply leave the past in the past. He knows not why his brother seems bent on dwelling on that which cannot be undone.
"It is not that complicated," Loki mumbles.
"See…this is why I need you," Thor offers, before he can think better of it.
"You don't need me," Loki counters, blandly. "You want me…to wear, like an ornament or an accessory."
The accusation is unexpected. And Thor's instinct is to deflect.
"Do you really think so little of yourself?"
Loki looks down at the floor.
"When have I ever been more than that to you, Thor? Or anyone else for that matter?"
"That does not answer my question."
"It does, actually."
Thor is quiet for a moment. Though he is well aware that he has not always taken care when speaking, he knows that phrasing is very important to Loki. He tries to imagine how he might appear more genuine.
He sighs.
"You have always been more than that to me, Brother. I swear it."
Loki chuckles, bitterly.
"You really are unbelievable," he declares.
It is not quite the response Thor was hoping for. He folds his arms across his chest.
"How so?"
"You charge me with possessing a silver tongue. Yet you are no less devious. You say whatever you have to say to accomplish the task at hand, with little regard for the impact of your hollow expressions."
Thor forces a smile.
"It worked didn't it?"
"No."
"But you came back..."
"Yes," Loki agrees, hesitantly.
"Why?"
He shakes his head, pressing his lips together for a moment. He directs his gaze to some far corner of the room.
"I…don't know."
"You're lying."
"Of course, I'm lying," he snaps. "I'm always lying."
"Why not just be honest with me for once?"
Loki throws his shoulders back and inhales, deeply. While it is obvious that he is very close to becoming upset, he makes a concerted effort to compose himself.
"Because there are some things that are still mine, Thor. Not everything is for you."
Thor wants to tell his brother that he loves him. But he cannot. He is worried that he will not be believed. Because even though his love is real, it seems that Loki cannot feel it. And to assert such a thing, after all that has happened, may only be perceived as mockery.
He reflects upon the events the past few weeks, all that they have lost, all the words that were said and things that were done.
"I think perhaps...I owe you an apology," he says, instead. Although he has no idea what he should specifically be sorry for, he feels as though that is what his brother wants.
Loki's gasp is so subtle that it almost goes unnoticed. He breathes carefully afterwards, in an attempt to disguise his shock.
"Well, now I know the end is nigh," he quips.
"Loki…"
"This is not the time," he barks. "There are more dire things to attend to than our petty grievances."
They stare at one another for several seconds. Thor knows that whatever this is, this barrier between them, it will not be easily surmounted. It was not built in a day. And it will not be torn down overnight.
"You'll arrange it," he asks, "the distribution of the food and the other items as well?"
Loki nods. He appears grateful to abandon the current topic, in favor of official business.
"Of course."
"Still...I'm glad you're here," Thor confides, quietly.
Loki's body relaxes a bit. But his discomfort is evident.
"I know."
"Is that it?" Thor inquires, when his brother continues to linger.
Loki folds his hands together once more.
"I...don't suppose I could sleep here for a bit," he poses, with an air of diplomacy.
"You mean here, in this bed?" Thor clarifies. "Is there something wrong with yours?"
Loki's lips curl into a grimace.
"The beast has appropriated it."
Thor laughs, heartily.
"Well...he's not that big," he teases. "And you're so thin. Surely, there's plenty of room for both of you."
Loki seems positively mortified by the suggestion.
"I am not sleeping anywhere near that thing."
"Always the dramatist. Sleep on the floor, then."
"My back...hurts," he confesses. He looks away immediately.
Thor raises an eyebrow. He cannot even recall the last time Loki admitted to being physically injured, let alone in any sort of pain.
"Did something happen during the battle?" he pries.
"Must've," Loki mumbles.
He hasn't moved from where he is standing. He eyes the bed, longingly.
"Heimdall has watch," he says, quietly. "That's more his strong suit than mine anyway."
Thor realizes that his brother's request is not being made in jest.
"Of course you can sleep here," he returns. "What's mine is yours. You know that."
"Do I?" Loki's tone is a little more playful than before, now that he has permission to stay.
He seats himself on the side of the bed and slowly unbuckles his boots. He leaves them where they are on the floor. He rotates his body, stiffly. Thor cannot help noticing that the other man lacks his usual grace and fluidity of movement. Loki does not even bother to lie down, but merely leans his back against the headboard. Even when he closes his eyes, he does not look particularly comfortable.
"You're going to sleep like that, eh?" Thor notes. "Well, I wish you luck."
"No luck is required," Loki bites back. "Only for you to stop talking."
Thor is suspicious. Though it has been some time since he watched his brother sleep, he cannot recall him ever doing so in such a position.
"Right."
Loki's mouth is hanging open, and there is a light sheen of sweat on his forehead. And though his arms lay beside him on the bedspread, his hands are balled into fists. It is obvious that he is experiencing some kind of physical discomfort.
Thor knows it is possible that his brother is truly injured. But he is covered in so many layers of clothing, there is no way to tell by simply looking at him. He never understood how Loki could possibly be content, buried underneath so much leather and metal.
"You're probably just overheated," he scolds, gently.
He kneels against the mattress, reaching for Loki's jacket.
"You need to take some of this off," he advises. "Here, let me..."
Loki does not open his eyes. He issues a defensive smack. Though he misses his brother entirely and ends up hitting the headboard. He groans, softly, when his knuckles collide with the hard surface.
"What do you know of it?" he grumbles.
Thor wonders if he should just let it be. If Loki wants to suffer, perhaps it's best to leave him to it.
But he can't, of course.
"You're being ridiculously stubborn," he bellows, his frustration mounting.
Loki is clearly experiencing some measure of pain. What Thor doesn't understand is why he seems so reluctant to do anything about it. The way he's breathing now, entirely through his mouth, is reminiscent of a wild dog.
"At least the jacket," Thor urges.
"I don't see what difference it makes to you," Loki mutters.
While he does not fight, he makes a show of reluctantly peeling away the garment. He tugs at the cuffs and slides the sleeves down each of his arms. Then he folds it in half and hands it over to Thor.
"Make yourself useful, will you?"
Thor takes the jacket and sets it down on a nearby chair. He knows that he, too, should probably get some rest. But his mind is so very busy. Any attempts to sleep would likely be fruitless.
Once he's shed his outerwear, Loki hovers a moment, as though he is uncertain of what to do with himself.
"Just lie down," Thor orders.
"I'm thinking," he counters.
"About what?"
"About lying down."
"Do you want some help?"
"Shut up," Loki hisses, "and leave me be."
Thor turns away, sensing that perhaps his brother does not wish to be watched. He hears a few grunts. When he glances over again, he sees that Loki is lying on his side, facing the wall. He must have found a way to get comfortable, because within minutes he is snoring away. His long, black hair is draped over one shoulder. It exposes his neck, which Thor notes is red and blotchy and stained with a series of spiderweb-like veins. They branch outwards in all directions, some reaching the base of his skull.
With two fingers Thor carefully peels back the collar of his brother's shirt. When he peeks inside he detects an even larger blemish...a bruise of some sort, a dark purple blob between his brother's shoulder blades. He grazes his fingers along it, gently...as though he needs to prove to himself that it is real. He wonders for a moment how Loki could have injured himself so.
Then he remembers.
It has been only a few days since their time on Sakaar. Though so many things have happened, it feels like a much greater span of time has passed.
Thor himself bore an obedience disk. It was used on him repeatedly. The device was designed to subdue the wearer by emitting a powerful electric shock. And while it was admittedly a rather unpleasant experience, Thor managed to survive unscathed. It did not make sense that Loki should have been scarred so severely.
At the time, Thor was so sure of his own intentions, that he did not contemplate his methods, nor the repercussions. He wanted only to motivate Loki...to inspire him to do the right thing. And thus, he thought nothing of affixing the device to his brother's back. In hindsight, Thor realizes that he knows not how long lie Loki remained incapacitated while the disk delivered a continuous current of electricity throughout his body. He knows not how long Loki waited for assistance, whether he found a way to retrieve the remote on his own, or if someone else came along to help him. And he did not think to ask.
Thor never considered himself to be devious. He always felt justified in both action and purpose. What happened on Sakaar was no exception. He was well aware that he might cause Loki some degree of discomfort and possibly even injury as well. But it seemed, at the time, a perfectly reasonable course. After all, his methods were effective. Were they not? Loki returned to help defend Asgard. Loki helped to defeat Hela. And Loki is here now. But why is Loki here now? Thor truly does not know.
He crawls across the bed and carefully lays next to his brother. He watches Loki for a few minutes, the steady rise and fall of his chest. It is a relief to know that he is alive. It is a relief to know that he is breathing.
"What else are you hiding?" he whispers. "What else have I missed?"
His brother does not stir.
"Loki," he says, a little more loudly.
The other man makes a small noise of acknowledgment.
"Hmm..."
Thor cannot help smiling to himself. He recalls how, in their youth, Loki would frequently talk in his sleep. They would carry on entire conversations, the likes of which Loki would fail to remember in the morning. Often Loki would say things that made no sense at all.
"You told me you were a dragon", Thor informed him once, over breakfast. "And that you were made of fire."
"I did no such thing," Loki said, genuinely affronted by the accusation. "Mother, tell him I did no such thing."
"I'm sorry about what happened on Sakaar," Thor declares, softly.
He props himself up on one elbow. Loki shifts a bit. But his body is still so relaxed. Only his hands twitch ever so slightly. Despite the movement, he appears very much asleep.
"I didn't know the disk would have that effect on you," Thor adds.
He corrects himself immediately, however. It is a whole lot easier to do, knowing that Loki is probably not conscious enough to hear him.
"That isn't true, actually. I knew exactly what it would do. Maybe I just didn't care. It's so difficult sometimes, you know? In the heat of the moment, I can be so certain that I am right. Then later on, when I see things more clearly, even if I suspect that I might have acted in error...I cannot bring myself to own my mistake."
He pauses as he remembers his brother's words. You are no less devious. Thor knows there's some truth in there somewhere, even if he's not ready to admit it.
"Maybe I don't think about the consequences of my actions. Maybe I never have."
Loki stirs a bit. And Thor raises an eyebrow. He wonders whether the other man will wake or speak. But Loki only snores, softly.
"All I ever wanted," Thor continues, "was to be king. I was so convinced that I was the right man for that role, that it was my birthright, that it was meant to be. I never took the time to consider whether I was actually qualified."
He studies his brother.
"But you...you always had such a keen eye for details, such a profound understanding of treaties and diplomacy and all the day to day affairs. All the things that I find mundane, you mastered with ease."
Thor glances at Loki's neck again, at the awful discoloration of skin. Guilt stabs him.
"I...feel like there are things I should say," he confides, "that perhaps I should have said..."
Loki's body shifts, just a bit.
"Sometimes I wish..."
And rather suddenly, Loki sighs. It is a deliberate sound. Though not nearly as deliberate as what follows.
"If you're planning to grovel all night," he interrupts, "can you at least shut off the damn light?"
Thor frowns.
"I wasn't groveling...I thought you were asleep."
"I was asleep," Loki retorts, "until you started chattering in my ear, like a lovesick magpie."
"I wasn't chattering either."
"Do you really think this is a good time for the king of Asgard to have a personal crisis? It's sure to do wonders for your popularity."
"I'm not having a crisis."
"Uh huh," Loki counters, drowsily.
Thor rises from the bed, just long enough to secure the lock on the door. He surveys the room, briefly. Everything appears to be in order. Then he turns out the light. He sits on the edge of the bed and removes his boots, before climbing back onto the mattress next to his brother.
"Loki," he says, cautiously.
Loki sighs again, loudly.
"Can't we just lie here?"
"We are lying here," Thor says.
Loki sighs once more.
"I mean, do we have to talk?"
"But you always want to talk," Thor points out.
"And you never do. So, why start now?"
"I thought..." Thor begins. And then he pauses. He feels as though he missed something.
"Isn't it enough that I'm here?" Loki demands.
"It is," Thor admits. "It's just...I would very much like to know why."
"The answer will not please you."
"I do not care."
"You say that now..." Loki warns.
They lie silently in the dark for several minutes. Thor is just beginning to wonder whether his brother has fallen asleep again, when he hears him speak.
"My life is tragically ironic."
"Why do you say that?"
"Isn't it obvious? Because as much as it pains me, there is no safer place for me than by your side. I have no ties, no allies, no other family to speak of. I am destined to once again dwell in your shadow, never to see the light of the sun...nor feel its warmth upon my face."
"Must you always be so dramatic?"
"You claim that all you ever really wanted was to be king. But all I ever really wanted was to be your equal. Not in the eyes of the people, but in your eyes. It was not power I craved. I do not desire to rule over others. Such pursuits interest me not. I wanted only your respect and validation. And now I am further from that than I've ever been."
"I do not concur."
"No, I don't suppose you would."
"Your people are well aware of your sacrifice...that you led them to freedom in the face of unimaginable loss. And they know that you are here for them now."
"My people would turn on me in a heartbeat," Loki asserts, sourly, "if they found even minimal cause to do so. I care not what they think of me."
Thor scoffs at his brother's claim.
"Is that why you faked your own death and then sought to commemorate yourself with plays and statues?"
Loki ignores the inquiry.
"I did not come back for them."
"If you say so."
"But you are so concerned why I am here, as though that is even the question you should be asking."
"What other question is there?"
"Oh, where to begin?" Loki returns, mockingly. "For instance...are you not remotely curious why I took Odin's form on Asgard? I could have appeared as anyone. I could have appeared as you. I could have just as easily appeared as myself."
Thor peers through the darkness. But there is no ambient light, nothing to guide his line of vision. He cannot see Loki's face.
"I am curious," he admits. "But I never expected you would actually tell me."
"Because I knew that my people would never honor my authority otherwise." Loki says. "I knew from experience that they would never take me seriously as their king."
"I thought you had no desire to rule over others. Why banish our father to Earth and usurp his throne if such pursuits interest you not?"
"That is a story for another time."
"I believe it is a story for now," Thor insists.
Loki pauses a moment, as though he is deliberating about how to answer.
"You may recall, when we encountered Odin on that hillside in Norway, that he regarded me congenially."
Thor considers it. Odin did not appear the least bit irritated about his predicament. In fact, he expressed no anger whatsoever. Thor had attributed it to senility...fragility of the mind.
"I do."
"That did not strike you as...odd?"
"Of course it was odd. But it was hardly the oddest thing to happen that day."
"And that he would decline to return to Asgard as soon as he was able..." Loki adds, "did that not give you pause?"
Thor scoffs at the question.
"He was an old man, near death..."
Loki issues a tsk of disapproval.
"Even with the truth laid out before you, you continue to reach for the lie."
Thor knows not what lie it is that Loki speaks of. But he is in no mood for games. He knows that his brother does not operate similarly, however. He ponders what Loki has already shared, wonders if the answer is in there somewhere.
"You said there is no safer place for you than by my side. Safe from what?"
When Loki does not respond, Thor repeats himself.
"Safe from what, Loki?"
"I...cannot tell you that."
"But..."
"Is it not enough that I am here?" Loki pleads again.
"If I know not the reason..."
"I told you already..."
"Clearly there is more."
"What difference does it make? There is nothing you can do about it."
"What does that mean? Nothing I can do about what?"
The mattress creaks a bit as Loki rolls carefully onto his back. He grunts, as he attempts to get comfortable.
"Nothing," he growls. "Forget it."
"No. I will not forget it."
"Let's just say...there is someone out there who would do me harm, should our paths ever cross again."
"I don't doubt many such souls exist," Thor retorts, with a laugh. But he sobers quickly when Loki fails to appreciate his attempt at humor.
"Then tell me who they are, Brother. We will face them together."
"He is far too powerful."
"Pfft," Thor hisses, in disbelief. He knows not whose ire Loki has earned. But no one is too powerful to be conquered. Everyone has a weakness.
"He is a Titan," Loki expounds. "He cares little for the inter-workings of our paltry nine realms. He seeks to acquire the infinity stones. If he succeeds in collecting them all, there will be nothing he cannot do. The entire universe will be his to command."
Thor is somewhat familiar with the Infinity Stones...only because it was not long ago that he came to Midgard to find Loki in possession of two of them. One of which, the Mind Stone, was housed in a scepter. But the scepter has since been dismantled and the second stone, the Tesseract, was returned to Asgard. He knows little of the others.
"How many stones are there?"
"There are rumored to be six. Although...I know only of five."
"What does he mean to do with such power?"
"He is plagued with madness...convinced that he might somehow cleanse the universe of its ills by annihilating half of all who reside within. I know not the source of his delusion. Only the length to which he's committed himself to it."
"Has he acquired any of these stones already?"
Loki's breathing changes, slightly. His voice sounds different, strained.
"In a manner of speaking."
"Meaning what?"
"He did possess the Mind Stone at one point. But he...lost it."
"The Mind Stone," Thor repeats. Loki also possessed the Mind Stone at one point. "However did he lose it?"
"He entrusted it to...the wrong person."
"Why would he do that?"
Loki clears his throat.
"Perhaps he...overestimated the value of loyalty that had been purchased with fear and torment."
"What are you saying?"
"Must I stitch it all up for you? Would you like me to present it to you on a satin pillow as well?"
"Loki..." Thor begins.
"I now believe it was he who resurrected me on Svartalfheim," Loki declares, dispassionately. "It is the only possible explanation."
"You mean that you actually died."
"Did you not see me die?"
"I did." Thor affirms. "But I thought..."
"Thought that I was faking?" Loki demands. "Just another of my illusions? No, I felt the blade run through me, felt the life leaving my body. But he could not allow me to remain thus. It was too swift and merciful an end for one who had betrayed him so boldly. I thought perhaps...if I allowed him to believe I had died, if it was convincing enough, he might eventually forget about me and turn his attention elsewhere."
Thor nods to himself, as his suspicions are confirmed.
"This Titan...it was he who sent you to Earth. It was he who sent you to retrieve the Tesseract."
"Correct."
"Why did you not tell me this at the time?" Thor whispers.
He recalls confronting Loki. Who controls the would be king? When Loki did not reply, Thor probed no further. He assumed that Loki was operating of his own volition. Now, he cannot fathom how he reached such a conclusion so easily.
Loki's laugh is unconvincing.
"I did consider it," he admits. "I knew my presence there would draw your attention. I actually hoped..."
He trails off, deliberately.
"What?" Thor begs. "What did you hope?"
"I had hoped that I would not have to say anything at all. I had hoped that you would look upon your brother and know that something was not right. When you didn't...I feared that I could not trust you."
"Do you still fear that?"
"Perhaps," Loki responds, soberly.
"The Tesseract was in the vault when Asgard was destroyed," Thor remembers.
"Yes," Loki agrees, "it was."
"Where is it now?"
"Surely, you already know."
"You took it," Thor quickly surmises. "You brought it here, on this ship."
"Technically, no. It is being stored remotely. But I can retrieve it, when it becomes necessary to do so."
Thor contemplates it. On one hand, he is angry that his brother would do such a thing. The Tesseract is as dangerous as it is powerful. To bring it onto this ship poses a great danger to the citizens of Asgard, and to the people of Sakaar who assisted in their rescue. On the other...Thor supposes that it was a wise course of action, considering the alternative was to allow it to float freely in space for anyone to find.
"When it becomes necessary?" he pries. "When will that be?"
"I did not take it for myself...if that's what you're thinking. I have no use for such a thing."
"Why else would you take it?"
"To return it to Earth. That is where we are headed, is it not?"
"Midgard is the last place the Tesseract should be kept. The people of Earth are careless..."
"It must be destroyed," Loki interjects. "And the Mind Stone as well. I believe there are people there who will know how to do that. As you may have noticed, Midgardians may be careless. But they are fairly adept at destroying things."
"Father knew," Thor notes, as the realization hits him. "He knew of your association with this Titan."
"He must have discovered it somehow, during his time on Earth. I assume it is why he did not return to Asgard to reclaim his throne."
"You could have told him yourself, years earlier."
"I suppose I could've."
Thor longs to know what suffering his brother experienced at the hands of this Titan, especially that which he described as fear and torment. But he doubts Loki would ever willingly part with such information.
"However did you cross paths with such a creature?" he asks, instead.
"When I fell into the void..."
"Did you fall?" Thor interrupts.
He remembers well their struggle...Loki intent on using the Bifrost to destroy Jötunheim. When Odin showed up to neutralize the conflict, Loki was dangling from the rainbow bridge. He had pleaded for his father to validate his plan. But Odin did not. And what followed...Thor often wondered if his eyes had deceived him. Because it seemed very much as though Loki had not fallen at all. It seemed as though he had chosen to let go.
Loki takes a deep breath.
"When I fell into the void," he repeats, "he plucked me from the darkness...as one plucks ripe fruit from a tree."
Thor pictures it, his brother descending through that sea of endless blackness, a giant hand reaching out to catch his lifeless body. He shudders at the image.
"I don't..." Thor begins.
He is overwhelmed by all that he has learned. To think that Loki had kept such information a secret, when he could easily have used it to exculpate himself. He understands that it was most likely a matter of pride, that Loki could not have allowed Odin to learn of his subjugation. Thor knows how desperately his brother had labored to gain Odin's approval. Loki would rather have lived out his days in the dungeon than appear so weak before his father.
"...this changes everything," he finishes.
He reaches out to touch his brother. He finds Loki's arm and wraps his fingers around it.
"It changes nothing," Loki snaps. He pulls away.
"How can you say that?"
"Because it is true. I am the same person now that I was before you learned of this. The fact that you could not see it clearly before does not make it less so. And I do not want your pity. I would have settled for your compassion. But it is far too late for that."
"Why is it too late?"
"You cannot mend that which has already been broken. I neither want, nor need your apologies."
Thor reclines onto his back once more. His mind is still reeling.
"If you really feel this way," he asks, "then why are you even here?"
"I already told you..."
"No. I do not believe you. You say you have no other options. But you have always had options. You say you don't need anything. But I know you. You do nothing without some measure of calculation. You are choosing to be here. Why?"
Loki does not respond immediately.
"He's going to kill me, you know," he eventually confides. While his tone implies indifference, he is clearly afraid. "It won't be quick either. He'll want to make it...hurt."
"I will not allow it," Thor replies, firmly. Once again, he reaches over. He finds his brother's wrist and clasps it, tenderly.
This time, Loki does not pull away.
"It is not for you to allow or disallow," he says.
"If he intends to harm you, he will have to get through me to do it."
"An easy task for him, I promise you."
"The people of Asgard will defend their prince."
"Has it escaped your attention that the people of Asgard are now mostly peasants and farmers?"
"Well...we have the Hulk," Thor reminds him, hopefully.
Loki chuckles, softly.
"I believe the Hulk has himself."
Thor remembers well his brother's arrival on Earth, how he wielded the scepter with apparent madness. He seemed not himself. And yet...
"I looked into your eyes that day...and I saw fear. But I was convinced that it was fear of our father, of the consequences you might suffer for attempting to destroy the Bifrost."
"You saw what you wanted to see. Just as we all do."
"If your life is in danger..."
"The word danger implies an outcome that is uncertain," Loki interjects. "My death is inevitable...and there really is nothing you can do to stop it."
"I cannot accept that."
"I can."
"But if I can save you..."
"You cannot save me," he almost shouts. "I am not yours to save. I am not some frail, Earth maiden...swooning at your very presence. And I will not be a minor player in yet another of your heroic tales."
Thor's good eye begins to water. He swallows and swallows and swallows again. He's overwhelmed by anger...at himself, at the unfairness of it, at the knowledge that there is nothing he can do to change the past or alter his brother's path. Everything is so very wrong. And he longs to go back in time, to try again, to do better, to fix everything.
"I believe I have erred," he says, his voice thick with emotion.
"Don't," Loki warns. "Don't...don't do that."
"Why not?"
"It's too much. I can't...it's just too much."
"Loki...what can I do? What do you need?"
"Nothing..."
"I simply can't believe that. You must need something."
"Sometimes I wish..." Loki repeats.
"What?"
"You said sometimes I wish...and then you didn't finish. What were you going to say?"
"I don't know," Thor lies. When he was speaking before, he was certain that Loki was asleep. And he was relieved that he had never completed that statement.
"Fine," Loki replies, blandly. He slowly withdraws his arm. "That's fine."
Thor hears the resignation in Loki's voice. And it's unsettling...how content Loki has become with not getting what he wants, as though he has finally grown accustomed to being satisfied with less. Thor feels his throat grow tight once more. He wonders what will happen if he goes beyond merely acknowledging his folly, if he actually recounts the finer details of his foolishness. He knows not why he fears it so. He cannot possibly predict how Loki will react. But Thor has survived many trials in his lifetime. If he confesses his transgressions and Loki rebukes him for it...surely there are worse things one can endure.
I would have settled for your compassion, Loki said. Settled. As though anything more than that would just be unreasonable.
Thor grits his teeth, steeling himself.
"That's...not true," he admits.
"Oh?" Loki returns. He sounds very much like a child.
Thor is suddenly reminded of a time when they were both still young and innocent, and Loki gazed upon him with admiration. How quickly that had changed. At some point the little brother he had sworn to protect somehow became a nuisance, a burden, something to be tolerated and scorned. How many times had Loki reached out for him in times of fear, only to be rejected? How many times had Loki run alongside him...desperate to be included in his adventures, only to be cast aside?
These thoughts are painful and Thor longs to say or do something to drown them out.
He reaches over and clumsily finds his brother's hand. He slides their fingers together, gingerly. Loki does not fight him. Nor does he return the gesture. His own long, slender fingers remain limply locked betwixt Thor's.
"What I wish is that I could go back and do it all again," Thor confesses. "I wish I could...be a better brother. I wish I could go back and praise you for your strengths instead of pointing out your weaknesses, include you instead of pushing you aside, lift you up instead of putting you down, give you my love instead of my judgment and derision. But I can't. I can't go back. And every time I look at you...I see only my own failures. I fancy myself a great hero. But you are a constant reminder than I am often less than I claim to be, and that my actions have not always been...heroic."
Loki does not rebuke him. In fact, he says nothing at all. Ever so slightly, he squeezes Thor's hand with his own.
"And you are not just an ornament or an accessory," Thor adds. "You are my brother, and I love you. I wanted to tell you...and I so wanted you to believe me. But I feared you could not. And I know I have no one to blame for that, but myself."
Thor hopes that his brother will answer. But Loki is still quiet. And now he is trembling. Thor wonders if he is crying. He cannot bring himself to ask.
Some minutes pass, and Loki eventually brings his head to rest against Thor's shoulder.
Thor recalls his brother's earlier inquiry. Can't we just lie here? Perhaps that really is all that Loki really wants.
Thor knows he cannot protect Loki from the danger that awaits him. But perhaps he does not have to. Perhaps Loki does not expect to be saved. Perhaps it is enough just to be here right now.
"Sleep now, my brother," Thor offers. He strokes the top of Loki's hand with his thumb. "We may know not what the morrow will bring. But right now, you are safe...by my side, yes, but not in my shadow. I promise you...the sun will shine on us both."