an: this is my first, and only (thus far) Star Trek fic. I will warn you, i'm still a newbie to the fandom, only getting into it after the 2009 movie, and I wrote this soon after the first movie. found it cleaning out my docs, but i was always kind of nervous to post with the aforementioned info and the fact that this archive is full of such good stuff! but the new teaser has reawakened my obsession so...just a drabble :) okay, i'm done csb-ing you guys to death. enjoy! :)
Jim Kirk loves women. He loves them a lot.
He spends the majority of his young adult life in bars, using his charisma and ice blue eyes to literally charm the pants off the girls he sets his sights on, but every time, he loves them only in the moment. He thinks, as he lays under the stars and moon in the cool night air with one particular conquest, that that was amazing (he couldn't figure out how she got her tongue, to do that) but in spite of it all, something is missing. He remembers being young, just 6 or 7, and thinking, this just isn't right. It doesn't feel right. He thinks, my dad should be here, my mom should be happy. But as he gets older, he assumes he just needs to suck it up. Just because life isn't going the way you want it to, doesn't mean it isn't right; he doesn't believe in a fate or destiny. He believes in creating that yourself.
Still, he can never shake the wrongness of all of it.
He ages hard, he thinks sometimes, the booze and bar fights slowly taking their toll. Molly the bar owner tells him one night that he should get a good job, that he's a smart kid, that he's always been a smart kid, and he could do great things. Join Star Fleet or something.
It always sobers him up real quick. This last time he pushes hard away from the bar, only to spin smack into some pretty blonde (Ava) and soon learns she visiting some family for a wedding and she's come to drink her sorrows away as one of the last single girls in it.
After they fuck (because that's what it is; it certainly isn't love. James Kirk is pretty sure he's never made love in his life), they lay in the tall, sweet smelling grass of the prairie as they catch their breath and talk about their lives. Jim is more open than usual, and they talk about futures and commitments, just in theory, and for a moment, their eyes catch, and there is something there before it is gone. Because deep down, Jim feels something in his stomach, a tight coil of longing for something exciting and different and meaningful, and he doesn't think that pull will ever go away.
He offers to give her a ride back to her cousins on his bike, despite still being pretty drunk, and she agrees easily enough, then requests to stop by the shipyards. She's heard they build the fleet ships there, and she's afraid of flying, but they're supposed to be wonderful looking machines and she's always wanted to see them. His throat tightens, cause he hates the ship yard, but he nods and acts like he doesn't care as much as he does and peels off, dirt flying behind them. Ava squeals with delight.
They pull up outside the gates, and the moonlight creates shadows as it streams through the ship skeletons in work. He watches the girls eyes widen and she dashes forward before he can object. He sighs; this definitely isn't the worst thing he's ever done, but if they get caught, it won't be pleasant.
They climb the fence and start walking around, and soon she's running from him with a grin on her face in a flirtatious game of tag. When he finally catches her, he corners her near one of the developing vessels and he kisses her hard, pressing her against the cool steel. She gasps and they got at it once more, and for some reason, being here, feels right and she tells him later as they speed away from the yard, that its the best sex she's ever had. He looks back only once, and the hatred that he feels for the Academy, for Starfleet and those damn ships rears it's ugly head again, and he doesn't admit to her, or even himself, that it's some of the best sex he's ever had either.
It's only a few weeks later that he's lying on the ground, drool and snot and blood staining his face and clothes as he pushes himself up off the floor and Chris Pike dares him-fucking dares him, James Tiberius Kirk-to join Starfleet. He shakes his head and snorts derisively, but that feeling from the night in the ship yard and that feeling that there's something else out there, is something he can't deny from himself. When he climbs aboard the shuttle the next day, he makes some smart ass, self-assured comment before slipping smoothly into the vessel and feels, not disgust and anger, but excitement.
The next three years are a whirlwind of women (of course), classes and ever still booze, although Bones becoming his best friend has stymied that substantially (what, are you on your second, third liver? He snarks). His classes are the easiest, despite the girls; he pretends not to see the second glances and hear the occasional mutters, about the apple not falling from the tree. He shrugs it off and hates himself a little. His father is dead because of the Federation, and his life has been crap since his mother used it to distance herself as much as possible from everything at home, from her sons who reminded her so much of George.
And yet, he's never felt so much at home; like this is just where he belongs.
In his third year, he cheats on the Kobayashi Maru and is suspended and almost doesn't make it. He thinks later, after the fiasco involving the Narada and Nero has ended, how stuff happens, how cause and effect is everything, how he almost doesn't get on the shuttle.
But he does, and he never will forget the moment he realized what his life would be about. Bones nudges him from his stupor, his stomach turning and head spinning while he's just feeling fucking miserable.
"Look, Jim. Look."
The profile of the Enterprise fills his view and his heart clenches and skips, and it feels like there's a stone in his stomach and he thinks to himself, this must be what falling in love feels like. There is no hesitation. This is what he wants; he knows in that moment, that that hunk of steel and light, will be all he ever needs.
For the first time in his life, his existence feels like its exactly what it's supposed to be.