A/N: This is actually supposed to be one-shot. However, it grew ridiculously long. So I decided to place one part on a page, though I still consider it as a one-chapter fic.

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English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).

Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.

If I Hadn't Met You

I've never told you, and I don't know if I will. But sometimes, I wonder how my life would've turned out, what my life would be like...if I hadn't met you that day. Or more like if I hadn't chased after you that day.

It actually seems like a pretty fateful encounter, don't you think? The twins who'd been separated when infants and didn't even know the existence of each other somehow coincidentally met again after nearly sixteen years.

And that encounter completely changed my life. And your life, too, I suppose. Though not as drastically as mine. You would've still been Princess...I mean, the daughter of Orb's Chief Representative, or Lady Cagalli Yula Athha. Since you hated being called Princess.

Well, I think I can understand that. Being called Princess implies you're only a daughter of someone important. Not really an independent person or an important person. Not really yourself. That's kind of a role they expect you to play. You rather want other people to see you, right? You always did. Not as just a girl or just a Natural or just someone's daughter. But as Cagalli. As a person.

Anyway, your status, what you are, wouldn't be much different if we hadn't met that day, though you mightn't be alive. However, what I am greatly changed. Prior to the day, I'd been just a student, a civilian, a commoner. Then, I became a mobile suit pilot. A soldier, kind of. ...And I killed people.

If I hadn't chased after you and had escaped with my friends, I wouldn't have piloted the Strike. I probably wouldn't have fought, and wouldn't have killed so many people.

But then, I might've died. My friends were running and mobile suits were fighting everywhere around them. If I'd been down there with them, not inside the cockpit of a mobile suit, all of us might've been dead. I don't think Murrue-san could've saved us even if she'd tried. The OS program of the Strike was totally inefficient. Not to mention she's a Natural and it's difficult for a Natural to pilot a mobile suit without a special OS program for them. She mightn't have been there to begin with. If I hadn't intervened, she might've been killed by Athrun.

Then again, if I hadn't piloted the Strike and ZAFT had stolen it along with the other four, Heliopolis mightn't have been destroyed. Me and my friends might've somehow survived and returned to our houses and families by the end of the day, and possibly continued living just as before.

I'm not sure more people would've died that day, or less people, if I hadn't fought. But either way, I couldn't just let you go by yourself. It was pretty dangerous. It didn't matter you were just a stranger. I couldn't find it in myself to leave you alone in such a situation. I thought I should go help you, make you escape with us.

You may think it was the same in the beginning of the Second War, when I snatched you away from the wedding. It wasn't.

In Heliopolis, I didn't know you. I didn't try to save you because it was you. I would've done it if it were someone else. However, I don't think I would've kidnapped the bride if it weren't you.

I couldn't bring myself to let you marry Mr. Saran, partly because I felt I was somewhat responsible for your situation. I'd known you were having a hard time dealing with politics, though you didn't talk much about it in front of me. Neither did Athrun. About your hardships or his own.

When you visited us on the island, you often looked tired or distressed. But you tried to hide it. Every time I asked you if you were all right, you'd smile and say something like, "Of course I am. In fact, I should be the one asking that question. You look pale. Have you been sleeping well?" I still knew you weren't really all right. No offense, but you aren't exactly a good liar. At least not in private.

But I also knew you didn't want me to notice it. You didn't wanna worry me. ...And I didn't really wanna think about it. I wanted to keep politics and combats at bay. I didn't wanna think about what was happening on the outside of the peaceful island.

So I didn't really do anything to help you. I didn't really do anything to help Athrun either, even when he told me about the people who'd caused Junius Seven to fall on the Earth though I could see he was quite troubled.

I can say I didn't think there was anything I could do, and that's partly true. I didn't have political power, or military power. I didn't know about the Freedom yet. I couldn't give Athrun the answer, partly because I myself didn't have my answer and partly because he had to find his own.

However, I know and I knew that wasn't all. Most of all, I didn't want to get involved. I was reluctant to engage in fighting, in any way. I was reluctant to take action even if it was to help those important to me. I didn't want to act. Not yet.

I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to fight again. I just wanted to focus on...me. Not the world. Not the peace. Not a country. Not politics. Not battles. Not racial conflicts.

I just wanted to be me. Not the pilot of the Freedom. Not a soldier. Not an Ultimate Coordinator. I just wanted to be an ordinary person, a nobody.

Thus, I chose not to do my part in rebuilding a peaceful world or protecting it. Well, I needed it even if it was running away. There're times you need to escape to survive, to protect yourself, and I was having such a time. I needed the time and space to pick up the pieces of myself and of my life. And I was able to have it because you and Athrun were fighting, which I'm really grateful for though I wish I could've taken action to help you a bit earlier.

But I'm not like you and Athrun. You two are pretty willing to fight, to take action. You prefer to do something yourself rather than let other people do it. That's both your strength and weakness, I guess.

I'm different. I don't like to get involved in conflicts, especially those that don't directly involve me or happen in front of me. If there's someone willing to do the work, I don't mind letting them.

And I did. I let you and Athrun fight. Because you were willing to, and I wasn't. I know neither you nor Athrun blames me for it. You never did. Besides, letting willing people do the work isn't wrong, is it? You need to have the strong will to fight through to the end. If you don't have it, you probably can't accomplish it anyway. If there's someone who's willing to do it and probably can, then why not let them?

That's what I was thinking. You two had the will and power to fight. So I decided it was all right for me not to because you could and would do it for me.

Not only I didn't want to fight, I also didn't think I could even if I had some weapon. At least right after the First War. I was weak, drained. I just wanted to rest. Just wanted to enjoy the peace. I was finally able to return to a quiet life after the tedious fighting.

Although I knew it wouldn't last forever, I didn't want to think about the time I had to act, to move on with my life. Even when a part of me realized the time was almost there.

I knew the peace'd already ended. The little, calm, and protected world I'd been living in for about two years had ended. I'd known it when I saw the fall of Junius Seven. Yet, I couldn't really accept it. Although I started to pay more attention to what was going on in the world, I still wanted to hold onto the remnants of my peaceful life, believing there was still time.

I was struggling to deal with the situation, with the fact my long slumber was over and I had to wake up to the reality. There was a war going on again, and I had to decide what I'd do. But I wasn't sure what I should do, or even what I wanted to do. All I knew was I didn't want to lose someone important to me again. I couldn't stand it.

It was actually during one of the times I was wondering about what to do that I met Shinn for the first time. Well, it's irrelevant, though. It's not like he caused me to finally decide to do something.

It was Lacus. Or should I say Mr. Dullindal, for he was the one who sent the special unit to attack us and assassinate her? He was the one who forced me into a situation I had to fight again to save myself and those I cared about.

However, my decision to fight wasn't the same as when I'd been forced into a similar situation after parting with you in Heliopolis. Well, probably the situations weren't that different. I doubt I really had another option in either if I wanted to survive.

But still, I didn't want them to be the same.

Most of the time during the First War, I'd been just going with the flow, telling myself it couldn't be helped and there was no other way. Probably it's partly because I was acting on fear, fear of isolation, fear of parting with my friends.

When I fought, people thanked me and treated me like I was one of them, and it felt good. I wanted to be accepted by the people around me, especially Fllay on whom I was crushing. I wanted to belong. So much so that I decided to stay in the military even though I hated being a soldier. It wasn't the only reason, but a big part of why I was fighting.

I don't say I shouldn't have made the decision, but I should've thought more, thought it through. I didn't really consider my reason to fight, my reason to protect, until I heard the Archangel was in danger and chose to return to the battlefield with the Freedom.

Facing the decision to fight again during the Second War, I strongly felt I didn't wanna repeat it. I was resolved not to. If I was gonna pilot a mobile suit again, I wanted it to be entirely my choice, not someone else's. I didn't want to fight because I was influenced by others. I didn't want to be forced. I didn't want to be told to fight. Not again. Not anymore. If I had to fight anyway, I wanted to choose it myself. Why I fight and how I fight.

I wanted to choose fighting because I wanted to. Not just because I had the power to do it. Not because I felt I had no other choice. Not because I wanted some rewards. Not because people were expecting me to do it.

And I wanted to fight. I knew what it was like. I knew what it was like to kill people. I knew how it made me feel. I knew I wouldn't like it. Nevertheless, I was willing to do it. Because I also knew I wouldn't like what'd happen if I didn't fight. I knew which I wanted more, or which I didn't want more. I knew what I wanted most.

I wanted to protect the people I loved. I didn't want them to die. I didn't want that kind of future. Then, I should do something to prevent it, right? Instead of hoping someone else'll do the work for me and running away.

Doing something just because you can is painful. I knew it from my experience during the First War. I knew how agonizing it was. I knew how it hurt to be told "I can't do it. But you can. So do it." Even if it's true and you're willing to do it, it's still...not pleasant, is it? It's a heavy responsibility and it also makes you feel lonely. It can make you suffer.

And yet, I kind of did it to you and Athrun.

Even if I didn't have any power, I still could've supported you. I still could've given you comfort or advice, do something, even only a little, to help you. Even if I couldn't fight myself, I still could've helped you fight at least.

Yet I didn't. I didn't really consider how much pain and suffering you'd been enduring, even. I didn't really try to know how much you'd been pushing yourself, how much you were cornered. I didn't realize how much you'd been sacrificing yourself to protect the peace, the peace I'd been enjoying. To protect me. To protect everyone. Until I read your letter.

It was only then I was truly able to see it, see the consequence of my choice to hide in a safe, quiet place and do nothing, see it could cost me someone I loved.

The biggest reason I couldn't let you get married was because you were giving up being yourself. You were giving up being just Cagalli. What you seemed to cherish so much when we became friends.

That was what made me realize how hurt you were, how broken you were. So much so that you lost the will and strength to keep fighting, fighting for yourself and for what was important to you.

And that was what caused me to make up my mind to intervene. The decision was different from the one I'd just made. Piloting the Freedom to defend myself and the others from the ZAFT soldiers had been more or less the only choice I had if I didn't wanna die. I couldn't have chosen to stay away. With the matter of your wedding, however, I could. If I really wanted to turn my back and run to somewhere more peaceful, if I still wanted to avoid getting involved, I could've chosen it.

Except I didn't want to.

Although I still didn't like engaging in war or politics, there was something I didn't like more, something I didn't want much more. I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want to leave someone I loved alone to suffer. I wanted you to be happy, but you can never be happy if you give up being yourself. I didn't want you to give up. I couldn't bear losing you like that.

I regretted I'd done nothing until you became that desperate. I regretted I'd let you fight alone. Well, not exactly alone. But you didn't have many people to rely on besides Athrun, and he wasn't there anymore. You must've been feeling alone.

I knew how tough it was. Lacus or Athrun may not understand it. They seem rather fine with being alone, being isolated, don't they? But I'm not, and you aren't, either. It looks like we both aren't really good at handling isolation. I wonder if that's because we're twins? Or just a coincidence?

Whichever, I know how hard it is to keep going when you feel no one around you can or will help you, when you feel you can't turn to anyone. But you still want to protect those you care about...and you'll do anything for it even if it torments you. You feel you have to do it however much you don't like it or even if you hurt someone in the process. You feel it's the only way to protect, the only way to get what you want. You're too desperate to take care of yourself or to see the larger picture. You can't think about anything but to defend what's right in front of you and get through what's happening right now.

I know it. I knew it.

That's exactly how I was during the First War. How I was when we met again and fought together in the desert. You probably remember I was pretty on edge back then.

I also knew it was the wrong way. It wouldn't bring you where you wanted to reach. It wouldn't give you what you wanted so much. Peace. Protection for Orb's people. Happiness of those you love. I couldn't just let you go down the wrong path without saying anything, despite knowing too well what the result would be like. I couldn't just let you ruin your happiness, your life, yourself.

I didn't wanna see anyone make the same mistake as mine, let alone someone I cared about. I didn't wanna see you devastated, miserable, and unhappy. I couldn't have forgiven myself if I hadn't done anything to prevent it.

For about two years, I'd been resting. I'd been healing. I'd been thinking about myself and not much more. I'd been just letting those I cared about fight on their own. I'd been doing nothing when my loved ones were suffering.

But I was done with it. I was done escaping. I was done hiding. I was done looking the other way. I was done protecting only myself.

It was time for me to stand up and fight. Fight for what's important to me. Fight for the people I care about. Fight for what I believe in. I couldn't just sit back and watch anymore.

I needed to talk to you. I needed at least a chance to persuade you out of it. To be honest, I wasn't completely sure that I'd be able to. That you'd agree with me and come with us. Even so, I had to at least try, even if it would be in vain.

I didn't know the right way, but I did know you didn't wanna go the way you were heading, even if you believed it was right. Not that I thought you did. On the contrary, I was sure you didn't even believe what you were doing was right. Not completely.

You aren't one for logic. You're a person of emotions and feelings. I don't mean it a bad way. Well, feelings alone can't do much, as we both know painfully well. But they're what ultimately guide us to the future we want, tell us what's best for ourselves. At least it's so for me. And for you, too, I'm sure.

No matter what your head's saying, no matter how many times people around you say it's right, you can't accept it. You can't truly believe it. Unless you feel it's right. Unless your heart's convinced. It's how you are.

I was sure your heart was telling you it wasn't right because I knew you. I knew what you wanted and what kind of person you were. I knew you'd never be okay with attacking another country just so that Orb'd be safe. You might choose it if you thought it was the only way to protect Orb. You love Orb enough. But you wouldn't like it and you'd feel bad about it. You wouldn't feel it was right. You'd blame yourself and suffer. And you must've known it. You're never stupid, though you can be impulsive and careless and sometimes thoughtless—okay, I'm beginning to sound like Athrun.

Anyway, I also felt you still hadn't completely given up. Your heart was struggling to hold onto yourself, desperately wanting to believe there was another way. The fact you couldn't dispose of Athrun's ring yourself was proof enough.

You desperately needed a help, but you probably didn't know how to get it. Didn't know who could give it to you, who would fight along with you.

I wanted you to know you weren't alone. You weren't the only one who didn't know what to do. Not the only one who didn't know what was right. Not the only one who still wanted to find another way. Not the only one who was willing to fight and protect. Not anymore.

We were the same, and that was another reason why I believed I still had a chance. You were like me, like us. You weren't sure how to go to the place you wanted to go, how to create the future you wanted. Exactly like us, you hadn't found your answer yet. So I thought, we can do the search together then.

I was late for it, I knew. During the First War, I'd told Athrun we were gonna look for our answers together. But after the war, I stopped looking. I stopped trying to fight and find the way to the future we wished for along with him, and you. I left you to search on your own. As much as I needed the rest, it'd been probably still irresponsible of me. I had the responsibility to at least keep searching for my own answer, instead of running away from living my life and creating my future.

I couldn't change the past. I couldn't undo my mistake. But I could make up for it. I could start searching again, and I had to. I had to find the answer this time. We had to find the answer. Our own answers.

And although I was late, I wasn't too late yet. What I needed, or rather what you needed was reassurance that there was another way, and the time and space to revive your fire.

So I took you away.

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