a/n: So the Christmas Special, hmmmmm. My thoughts can be summed up as:

1) What happened to the equal distribution of storylines between characters?

2) Dear God how much of this ended up on the cutting room floor? Nearly broke my neck at the pace

3) Why is no one suggesting that Cynthia talk to Shelagh?

Can't do much about 1 and 2, but this story hopes to remedy no.3

She'd tried to catch Shelagh before the carol singing started, but Shelagh and Tim were uncharacteristically late, arriving in a fluster mere minutes before they were due to get started, citing a last minute nappy change and Tim's lost sheet music as the cause.

Cynthia tried to enjoy the carol singing as best she could, but she couldn't help but glance between Shelagh and Sister Winnifred – on which side of the line would she find herself next year?

After a rousing chorus of Jingle Bells to end the session, the carollers began to gather there things.

"Shelagh?" Cynthia put a gentle hand on her friends shoulder.

"Greetings!" Shelagh began, then paused seeing the serious look on the younger nurses' face. "Are you ok Cynthia?"

"I was hoping I could speak to you about something, something important, if it's not too much trouble, I mean, if you have the time…."

"Of course you can." Shelagh replied. "In fact, I'm free this evening if you'd like to come over?"

"That would be lovely" Cynthia said, "though, it is a private matter" she said gently with a quick glance at Tim who was busy doing up his coat.

"That's ok" Tim said cheerfully "Mum bribed me with fish and chips for agreeing to play the accompniament tonight"

"What Timothy means to say" Shelagh cut –in, "Is that, as a thank you, for playing tonight, Tim and Patrick are going to the café at the end of the road for a gentlemans fry-up. So it will just be myself and Angela at home this evening."

"Oh, ok" Cynthia smiled "I just need to drop my lantern off at Nonnatus and change, and then I will come straight over."

"I shall put the kettle on" Shelagh said "and it will give me time to clean up whatever mess Dad and Angela have made."

20 minutes later Cynthia found herself in the Turners living room, waiting while Shelagh changed Angela's nappy and Patrick and Tim put their coats on.

"Ready" Tim said as he buttoned the top button on his coat.

"Hat" Shelagh told him.

"I don't need a hat, I've got gloves and a scarf" Tim said

"I don't want a repeat of last Christmas Tim, you'll put a hat on." Shelagh insisted, as Cynthia watched in fascination.

"but.." Tim began to argue, however Shelagh's look could have stopped traffic. "Yes mum…" he aquised, putting on the dreaded cap.

Finally, they were appropriately attired, Patrick and Tim were dispatached to the café and 2 cups of tea were drawn.

"How can I help?" Shelagh asked.

"Well, I guess you could say that I am having a crisis of faith?" Cynthia said

"Okay….but are you sure I am the best person to ask? What about Sister Evangelina?"

"No actually, you are one of the best people to ask. It's not that I am losing faith, rather, I am gaining it."

"I'm not sure I follow…."

"I am thinking about entering the religious orders." Cynthia said, surprised at hearing herself say it out loud to someone other than sister Julienne.

Shelagh smiled, "I see".

"It's just I am not sure. I think I am certain about what I want, but I can't be sure, I mean, what if I end up, well…."

"leaving like me?" Shelagh finished.

"Yes" Cynthia blushed, looking at her lap. "I mean, you must have been sure when you took holy vows?"

"I was very young, when I decided I wanted to be a nun. Too young really. I had that determined air that all 18 year olds have, when they are young , have an idea in their heads and are convinced that their life is to go a certain way.

As you know, at Nonnatus, the nuns usually take holy vows, then train as nurses. I was so young, that they sent me to nursing college first, thinking that I needed another 2 years to really know my own mind.

When I finished my training, I was still convinced that the religious life was to be my life's calling and so I joined the novitiate, when I was barely 20. Still a baby myself really. When I took my vows I was cartain that this was to be my path."

"But then you met Doctor Turner….."

Angela gurgled from her moses basket and Shelagh raised briefly to take her daughter in her arms.

"It wasn't Patrick that turned my head." Shelagh said. "I was questioning the religious life well before then. If anything it was you girls that's started to put notions in my head."

"Really?"

"Really. You were getting ready for a dance once, and I was startled to realise that I was jealous. I thought it was just a brief moment, but it kept happening. I loved hearing tales of Chummy and Peter. One night, I even took off my wimple and brushed out my hair to see what it would look like if went dancing. Patrick, well, he just sped up my thought process."

"I didn't realise….."

"No, everyone just assumes Patrick came along and whisked me off my feet. As, I said, to begin with, it wasn't even the notion of wanting a husband or a family, it was simply the notion of wanting freedom, and a different life."

"And that's what worries me" Cynthia said "What if, in 10 years time, I want a husband and a family? I don't feel that particular calling now, and I've never really felt it, but what if I suddenly change my mind."

"You'll have to take that leap of faith and see what happens Cynthia. There is no guide book to life, nothing is a certainty, you have to do what feels right at the time. You are forgetting the one difference between you and me though. You're 27, you've had some life experience, you've seen a bit of what is out there in the world, you are making this decision with more maturity and more insight than I did."

"Do you miss it?" Cynthia asked.

"No." Shelagh said, surprising herself at how quickly she replied. "I don't regret my decision to join the order, nor do I regret my decision to leave. I had 10 years of being part of an incredible sister hood, of feeling loved and embraced as part of a community. It taught me patience, charity, and to look beyond material possessions to the most important qualities of life. But no, I love my husband, and to have the ability to love him and my children freely – how could I regret that?"

"I'd certainly never have believed you were a nun, not seeing you now, you're far too glamorous."

Shelagh chuckled. "Don't get me wrong, it took me as long to get used to the secular life, as it will take you to get accustomed to the religious life. Only it will be easier for you, as there are rules to follow to help guide you. "

"Thank you Shelagh" Cynthia said draining the last of her tea. "It's really helped me speaking to you."

"I'm glad I could be of help." Shelagh replied. "Just remember, it is your life, you have to do what you believe is correct for you. True friends will know that, they won't try to persuade you or detur you, they will support your decision."

"I will" Cynthia said.