Missed Opportunities

Author's Note: So, this is an idea I've been playing with for a while. I couldn't do anything with it for the longest time because I was having problems with my computer, but, thank goodness, those problems are now fixed (I was going insane). For those of you who are fans of my other Revenge Fanfiction, don't worry, I have not abandoned it. I am having some trouble figuring out where to go with it since the new season started, since obviously some things do not add up, but I do intend to continue it.

Disclaimer: Revenge is not mine, the scenes that are transcribed are from the show, the alterations are mine.

I hope you like this story. Please review. Have a nice day.

Chapter One

But I think about all the opportunities you had to tell me that night under the fireworks …

"I'm sorry, to, drag you away from the party." Jack says as he leads me to the bridge. "I just didn't feel right, telling you this over there."

"Telling me what?" I ask. I'm not sure what is going on yet, but I have a very bad feeling.

"Ever since I first saw you, I knew there was something about you. And I couldn't put my finger on it. Until now." Oh no. Could he know? No, he couldn't possibly. I've worked so hard, made my mask so secure. I hope he can't see how scared I am as I wait for him to continue. "Look, sometimes, you get a boat out on the open water, and you catch a wind, and the sails fill, and she comes to life under you, and it feels like more than just wind and water and vessel; it feels like there's something else going on. Something pulling you forward and surrounding you at the same time." I feel the tears well up and I push them back. He's saying everything I ever wanted to hear in the way only Jack Porter can, and it is so like him to compare love to the feeling he gets at sea. And the little girl Amanda that still lives somewhere inside me is screaming at me to kiss him and tell him how much it means to me for the little boy on the beach to finally say these things to me, these things I've been waiting what seems like my whole life to hear. But I don't. I just wait for him to keep going. "Am I making any sense?" He asks. And of course he is. He's saying everything I've felt for him since we first met on the beach all those years ago. But I can't tell him that.

"You're making perfect sense," I say as I take a deep breath and trying not to cry, try not to show how much it hurts to say what I knows I have to. I don't want to, but what choice do I have. "It's just, you're saying it to the wrong girl Jack." Jack's face falls, and I curse Nolan for encouraging him, giving him hope. This is exactly what I didn't want, "I'm seeing Daniel, I thought you knew that-"

"I know, I know, and normally I wouldn't do anything like this," He says, interrupting me. I notice that he's starting to get choked up, and my heart hurts to see him putting himself out there like this, knowing I have to break his heart, "but I feel like this feeling comes along once or twice in a lifetime if we're lucky." I try to swallow. It tastes like vomit and acid, "Tell me I'm alone in this." He pleads, "Tell me I'm alone in this, and I won't bother you again."

I feel a few stray tears fall, and I let them. I want to tell him that he isn't alone, but I know I can't. I take a deep breath, and try to tell him that he is, but I can't do that either. In spite of everything else, that's one lie I cannot tell, not to him. Unable to lie, and knowing I can't tell him the truth, I says the only thing I can, "I'm so sorry Jack."

He looks so heartbroken, and it breaks my heart to watch.

"No, it's uh, It's okay. I … I just, I just thought," he's trying to put on a brave face, just like I am, but this is killing both of us. I would do anything to take away his pain. "Let me, let me walk you back to the party."

"No, you don't have to do that." I say

"I ..."

"Jack-"

"Don't, don't. Don't feel like you have to say anything. Daniel is ... he seems like a nice guy and I shouldn't have put you on the spot like that. I'm really sorry."

He starts to walk off, and I feel the tears like a tidal wave. I can't fight them anymore. I don't want to. I want to throw up. I want to scream. And then, I'm chasing after him.

"Jack!" I call. I don't know why I'm yelling. He hasn't gotten very far yet.

He turns to me, still looking so heartbroken, and I can see in his eyes he thinks I want to apologize again, that I feel guilty, and he starts to brush me off, tell me it's fine, it's not my fault I don't feel like he does, but I don't let him get that far. I kiss him. Hard. And with everything I have. I kiss him with the love of little Amanda Clarke, and jaded, angry Emily Thorne. I kiss him with all my heart. Every breath, every tear belongs to him. I need him to know that.

When we finally pull away, he's looking at me completely dazed. He's happy, but confused. I smile at him through my tears.

"You're not alone, Jack." I whisper, "All my life, ever since I was little, I've always loved you."

His brow furrows. He looks at me, even more confused, "How is that … we only met …"

I shake my head, "We've known each other longer than you think. I couldn't come back as me Jack. There were… are reasons. Reason's I'll tell you. I shouldn't. This might be the most selfish thing I've ever done. And I've done a lot of selfish things but … I couldn't just let you walk away. Not without knowing …" he's still looking at me, completely mystified, and I know, I need to just dive in, "I'm Amanda Clarke."

His eyes widen in shock, and I feel so completely naked. More than anything, I just want him to hold me, and tell me he still feels for me what he felt moments ago.

… I'm so confused. After everything that's happened, I know I should hate you. I should blame you, and wish you gone. I should wish you dead. But I don't. I can't. I've tried so hard to hate you; you have no idea how much. But I keep remembering moments … not just when we were kids, but these past few years. Even with all the lies, looking back, I can see that you were there for me. You did care, at least, in your own twisted way. You were there when I needed you. And I … I need you now. I need you to be here. I …