AN: This is a preticularly angsty piece I came up witht after watching how Jess changed over the years. How did he go from who he was when he entered stars hallow to the guy he was when he left the show? What happened?

Characters: Jess, Luke, Liz, and Rory

Warnings: Driving while under the influence of heart break, and other such angstyness -lol-

Spoilers: The end of season 4and everything before it (later chapters have more spoilers)

Chapter 1: What is Lost

Jess walked numbly away from the campus towards his wreck of a car. He collapsed into the front seat and let his head bang against the steering wheel.

Her voice still echoed in his mind. Her words still stung like the cold blade of a knife. With just one word his whole world had fallen apart around him.

She had said no.

He felt like he was sinking.

She had said no. One word that meant so much. No she would not go with him. No she did not want him and no…she did not love him. He suddenly understood the words of the many heart broken poets he had read from time to time. Their moans now made sense to him.

It is better to have loved and lost…. Jess laughed bitterly. Who ever said that had obviously never lost.

OoOoOoO

The black phone mounted on the diner wall rand loudly. Luke grabbed it and answered harshly—he hated the bother it was and would have greatly liked to not ever answer it at all. "Hello?"

"Hey there brother," said the familiar female voice. Luke felt his eyes roll into the back of his head.

"Liz I'm working," he sighed impatiently. She was another little annoyance he could do with out most of the time.

"Ya I know. I just…" there was a hesitation. That was so unlike her. "…just was wondering if you'd heard from Jess recently?" Her attempt at a casual question might have fooled most people, but Luke could see through it to the concern hidden between her words.

"Why?" he felt unnaturally worried, but then matters having to do with Jess normally caused that in him.

"I just haven't heard from him since the wedding. Before that he was calling fairly regularly. I guess…I just got used to it," Liz admitted wistfully. Luke felt a twang of fear.

"I haven't either," he replied. Luke had been a bit angry about that since it had been over three weeks, but he had attributed it to Jess being irresponsible. He hadn't even thought to worry. "Liz I'll call you back." Luke pushed the hook down and quickly dialed in a number.

"Hello?" an unfamiliar voice answered after the third ring.

"Hello…Jess?" Luke already knew it wasn't him, but he also knew he had not misdialed.

"Nope. I'm his roommate Tawn," the voice explained. "Sloth over here refuses to get up and answer his stupid phone."

"He must be tired from work," Luke offered. Tawn scuffed in response.

"That might be the case if he was actually working."

"What?" Luke was liking this conversation less and less as it went on.

"He's been sulking around here for awhile now."

"About how long? Three weeks?"

"Sounds right," Tawn replied indecisively.

"Can I talk to him?"

"Ya," Tawn replied. Luke heard the sound of distant conversation. He could only catch part of what Tawn was saying. "…I don't know." More indistinct. "Just talk!"

"Hello." Luke was taken aback by the sound in his nephew's voice. Instead of its normal surly or even the occasional soft, there was sorrow coating his tone that cut straight to Luke's heart.

"What happened?" the dinner owner asked, his voice compassionate. Luke could hear the soft sound of breathing on the other end, but no response came. "Jess, what happened?"

"Reality," came the whispered response. A few more silent moments passed between them. "I have to go." Jess hung up without another word. Luke grasped the phone for a few seconds before returning it to the hook.

"Ceaser, keep an eye on the dinner for me. I'll be back soon," with that Luke went out the door, jumped into his truck and started driving.

OoOoO

Luke stood in the hallway of the most dinky apartment complex he had ever seen. He'd been here only once, several weeks prior. Last time he'd come in a fit of rage, this time he was literally afraid. He was about knock on the door when it suddenly opened in front of him. A blonde haired boy around Jess's age stood before him. He looked Luke over in obvious wariness. After a moment a look of understanding crossed his face.

"He's over there," the kid answered though Luke didn't remember having actually asked the question. "Good Luck." Luke remembered this as the voice from the phone. Before the diner owner could respond the kid went passed him and out the door. He was left standing at the threshold of Jess's apartment with no idea what to do next.

He glanced inside the small room. There were sleeping bags on the floor, five in all. The bag over in the corner had a 'lump' in it. Luke walked slowly over to this one and kneeled beside it. He put his hand on where he assumed the 'lump's' shoulder to be.

Slowly there was a stirring from under the covers. Jess sat up with the quilt twisted around him. He gave Luke a sharp glare but did nothing to hide the sorrow in his usually guarded eyes.

"What do you want?" Jess barked, his surly tone was back but there was still a hint of despair.

"Just…" Luke began trying to fund the right words to explain his impulsive actions. "…just wanted to see if you are ok." Jess got up and shrugged apathetically.

"I'm fine," he grumbled unconvincingly. "You shouldn't have come." Normally the harsh words would have inspired and equally harsh response from Luke, but he forced his own anger aside.

"Jess…"

"Get out!" his nephew's words sounded so weak, as if part of him was hoping to be disobeyed. Luke listened to that soft undertone. He had walked out to many times already, this time he was going to stay.

"I'm not going anywhere." Luke hoped that his response had sounded reassuring and not just defiant.

"Do what you want," Jess growled.

"Jess stop!" Luke commanded desperately. His nephew looked up, obviously taken aback by Luke's tone. "Stop. Don't block me out again." Jess leaned heavily against the wall and looked at his uncle, a mix of emotions playing across his face.

Luke placed a hand on his nephews shoulder, and pulled Jess into a warm embrace. He felt Jess stiffen at the unexpected hug, but his nephew slowly relaxed and leaned his head against Luke's shoulder. Luke held him tightly.

"I'm here Jess, I'm always here," he whispered. After a few silent minutes Jess pulled away his face turned to the ground. Luke's hand never left Jess's shoulder, as he tried without avail to catch the kid's eyes and maybe find some answers in them.

"You can't shut down every time things go bad," Luke kept his tone soft, as it leaked the concern which he couldn't seem to shake. No response. Luke sighed.

"I don't know what happened but I can say this. You can't give up just because the going gets tough. If you waste your time hiding from this…whatever it is…you're life will slip by without you. You're tough Jess. You're strong and I know you can move passed this. Look at you Jess! You're a mess. This isn't you kid…this is not the self confident Jess Mariano who marched into stars hallow all those years ago. Rough around the edges was hardly strong enough to describe that Jess…but there is one thing I can say for him. No matter what life threw at him he never backed down." Luke's tone became more

"You don't get it!" Jess snapped. He shrugged Luke's hand of roughly. "Just get out!" Luke took one last look at his nephew.

"Fine Jess. You know where to find me," Luke replied and quickly made his exit. Jess was angry, and Luke knew that when the kid got angry he would do something about it. Jess was truly angry. Luke's concern flew away as he walked back out of the apartment complex. The kid would be alright

----

Jess sucked in another gulp of the 'fire water'. He felt intensely aware of everything. The glass felt cold against his palm, and the liquid felt hot on his throat. A light breeze blew gently across the roof top he was perched on. Cars bustled about noisily below him. He took another deep swig.

What did Luke know? What did Rory know? What did any of them know?!

"WHO CARES WHAT YOU THINK!" He bellowed up at the night sky.

He was angry. It stirred from the very bowels of his being. He was furious and the worst part was no matter how loudly he yelled at wasn't them he was mad at. His anger rested fully and completely with the one person he despised most on this green earth…himself.

With a howl he threw the bottle against the hard concrete below him. It shattered loudly into a thousand pieces.

He sighed and leaned down to collect the pieces. It was only his first bottle and he was not drunk. Even with all the other things he'd done he would never let himself get drunk. He saw Liz and her boyfriends go down that path one to many times. He would never let himself lose control like that. He looked at the broken shards of glass and shuddered. He could see his tear rimmed eyes reflected all too clearly in the dark surface.

"Looks like you need alcohol to loose control Mariano," he whispered. He started collecting the pieces and winced when his finger accidentally slide across the sharp surface.

The pain jolted him more than he expected. He leaned back on his heels.

"What have I become?" He begged himself bitterly. He ran his hand across his face. In one desperate moment he knew. Liz had been right about him. Rory had been right about him. Even Lorelai had been right about him.

He stood in a sudden wave of determination and abandoned the roof hurrying back down the fire escape and in through his open window. They may have been right so far but he could still prove them wrong now.

Jess grabbed his jacket and stopped only long enough to bandage his hurt finger. He needed to act while his determination was still strong. He needed to act while the pain of self realization was still sharp. He needed to act before he lost control and spiraled back down into the pit he had created for himself. And he needed to act while Luke's words were still ringing in his ears.

OOC: The next chapter is almost completely done so it shouldn't be to long before I update. Please let me know what you think!