Spirit
A "Bring It On" Fan Fiction Story
By Clarebear
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them to finish a story line that the movie started. No infringement intended, and they will be promptly returned at the end.
Teaser: Courtney and Jan had an unspoken fling, but neither of them seemed to admit it to anyone, or even to themselves. What if it was more, and how will they deal when things come out in the open?
Narrowed sea-blue orbs scan the empty gym with scrutiny, slender arms folded underneath her chest. Her foot began to tap mercilessly against the ground, creating a repetitive defined echo that screamed "Courtney's impatient!" to the world. She hated waiting. If anyone ever wanted to stay on her good side, punctuality was a must.
After what seemed to her like hours later, he finally came rushing into the empty gym. His eyes met hers for only the briefest moment, he knew never to look at her longer than that, but still he communicated his genuine silent apology. During that half a second, she wanted to forgive him, she wanted to toss her own arms around him and let him comfort her, let him hold her- but that show of weakness was something she would never do.
Courtney wasn't the type to ever show weakness in front of another human being. Weakness disgusted her. She would never understand these `modern rebels,' or why they worked so hard to shun the pre-set rules that society was constructed of. That was all they had the only means of survival in this world where it was every woman for herself. She had never had an example to follow other than society as a whole, and that's why Courtney embraced it, cherished it and stuck to it like it was her parent, because in actuality, it was.
She had always taken it upon herself to be the leader to others that she never had, to be the example of near-perfection in this world. She worked so hard to show others how to survive, to teach them the proper ways of existence. True she was crabby with them, but they could be so rude sometimes, having no appreciation for the duty she carried out, and even calling her a "bitch" for her efforts! Ugh!
"Hey.." His voice cut through her mind's ranting, forcing her to leap back into the present moment.
"What?" She said, aggravation etching in her voice. After all, he was the one that was late for this little interlude.
"Sorry I'm late. I had to stop in the locker room and find my shoes." Courtney narrowed her eyes, unsure for a moment weather to laugh at that pathetic excuse, or smack him for daring to open his mouth and say something so ridiculous.
"What the hell, would you need your gym shoes for?" She snapped back, just to see if he'd say something even dumber.
"I'm not sure if we'll have time to change again, before practice." He responded with a cocky half smile spread across his adorable face. Not like she'd ever admit it was adorable, but she thought a lot of things she'd never admit. Still, she had to give him credit for having such, confidence, in his abilities. Instead of scowling, she shot back one of her sarcastic smiles, swaying her sloping shoulders a bit and taking a playful step backwards. Teasing Jan was so much fun.
She could feel his eyes on her, the echoed empty gym accentuating their breathing, making it seem louder, in sync with the rhythm of each other's oxygen-intake. He was definitely taking his time with his eye candy, letting his gaze follow from her smirking face down the gentle curve of her neck, past her chest, over her tummy and of coarse they locked on her thighs. His eyes always seemed to get stuck when it came to her thighs.
Courtney shifted her hips a bit, taking another small step backwards. Good thing she was already dressed in her cheer uniform, red was definitely her color. After a moment Jan finally began to advance on her, slowly closing the distance between them like a cougar, slowly cornering it's malicious prey.
Rarely ever did Courtney consider herself prey of anyone or anything, but in moments like these, where she was all alone, with only Jan, she was willing to temporarily accept that role. No one had to know. No one really did, on a realistic level. A few jokes were passed around here and there, but no one actually believed them. That was the way she liked it.
Courtney let out a small, almost undetectable gasp as the final inch between them was closed, his digits reaching forward to lightly brush against the inside of her right thigh. Jan grinned at her facial expression, always seeming pleased when he gave her the slightest hint of pleasure. She never had the nerve to actually ask him why he liked her, or why he gave a shit weather she was happy or not, because the honest truth of the matter was she didn't want to know. There were a lot of bitter truths that Courtney had forced herself to handle over the years, but some she would just rather be ignorant to.
Jan's hand slowly moved up her thigh, barely brushing against her skin like tantalizing fairy dust begging her to fly. Courtney froze in her stance, her breath shortening, her eyes darting everywhere across the room except for Jan. This was the only time she ever looked slightly dissevered; the only time when she'd ever let her overconfident-mask slip, just a little bit.
Jan's hand continued to move up Courtney's thigh, ducking under her skirt, his lips slowly moving forward towards her neck. She could feel his breath on her skin, warm, oddly soothing, and she submitted to it, letting her lids flutter over her eyes so she could tumble into bliss, her chin tilting upwards. She felt something against her earlobe right as his digits brushed against her, and she let out an involuntary sigh, her body shaking a bit.
"That's it," Jan encouraged her softly. She frowned. She didn't like that; she didn't understand it at all. Why was he soothing her? What the fuck did he care? But, why did she care either, when it did in fact feel pretty damn good. "Just relax," he encouraged her, his fingers working a bit faster. Relax, while this was happening? She never did understand that phrase, but in a contradictory way it seemed to make strange sense because she was relaxed, sinking into the feeling, and she didn't even realize that she had brought an arm up to rest upon his shoulder.
Jan smiled with pride, not that she could see it with her eyes closed but she could feel his grin through his movements. "'Atta girl.." he whispered, his lips teasing her neck, traveling over it, planting small kisses upon her flesh.
The gym door flung open and immediately, Jan tore his hand and mouth away from Courtney leaping backwards. Her vulnerable look of silent bliss washed from her face within a second, returning to her usual exterior of cold strength. Her eyes immediately darted towards the intruder; quite relieved to see it was only the oblivious, hyperactive Casey. Not like that little girl would ever notice or care what was going on, which is exactly the way Courtney wanted it.
"Hi! Am I late? Am I late?" Casey squeaked out with an annoying amount of exuberance. Courtney rolled her eyes.
"No. You're early." She said clearly and slowly, trying to intimidate the girl. True that the girl was making a half-hearted effort to follow Courtney's example, but still Courtney found her slightly on the weak side. The girl never stood up for herself, never made her presence known in a defining sort of way.
"Oh." Casey said, her excitement wavering. Turning around, she skipped towards he bleachers. Courtney grinned. She liked the fact that the little girl wasn't completely comfortable in her presence, it meant she still held her unofficial authority over the majority of the squad. Of coarse Little Miss Torrence still acted all high and mighty as squad Captain, but Courtney would admit that she did make them work hard to achieve their status as second-best squad in the country.
"So with Torrence sick and all, what's the agenda?" Jan asked casually, glancing at Courtney out of the corner of his eye. She sighed, her shoulders rolling up.
"Well, obviously, we need to work on that new cheer!" With a flick of her ponytail, she signified her opinion that his question was of the "states-the-obvious" variety, and she found those questions unnecessary and unintelligent. Jan nodded and looked away, seeming a bit upset that he annoyed her. With Casey there of coarse she ignored him. She probably would have ignored him anyway.
Could anything be more annoying than the sweat that came after a hard practice? Ugh, it just grossed Courtney out. Not that she didn't appreciate the "Yay-moments." At the end of a hard day's work, but it's so much easier to be happy with she felt clean. It was nice to play `Captain' for a day though, and maybe the day after too if Torrence still wasn't feeling well.
Not that Courtney rooted for Torrence's pain, exactly, but she knew that even though Torrence did manage to lead them to second place in the national championship, Courtney still should have gotten captain.
After a quick cold shower, Courtney stuffed her sweaty cheer-clothes into her duffel and swung it over her shoulder, heading back out towards the gym. She could hear voices, at least a few stinky squad members still hadn't hit the showers! Eww much? Come to think of it, she hadn't seen Whitney in the showers. Weird, usually she always noticed where her best friend is at all times, but other thoughts have been crossing her mind. Thoughts she didn't approve of nor consciously advocate.
"I can get through to her." Courtney heard a voice say, and her quickened step immediately halted. She knew that voice. It was the voice that had been haunting her for a long time. The voice that belonged to the mouth whose smile made her insides glow. But, what was he talking about?
"Leave it. She's not interested! If she were going to date a high school boy, it certainly wouldn't be a male cheerleader. Relationships in the work place never work out!" Whitney responded. Courtney's brow furrowed slightly. Were they talking about her? The nerve, to talk about her behind her back! It was true that she didn't exactly expect that out of Jan, but most definitely not from her best friend! That's not what loyalty was! Half of her had a mind to confront them right now and demand to know what was being discussed, but some tiny voice in the back of her mind somehow convinced her to stay still, figuring she'd find out more if she listened in secret. "Besides, it's not like you care about her. You just want her for sex."
"That's not true." Jan said softly, his eyes avoiding Whitney's determined stance.
"Bull. I know you tell everyone about her underwear habits, or lack thereof. Don't even try to tell me you haven't been trying to get in her pants." Courtney's jaw dropped, her eyes widening with, well hurt feelings, but of coarse she passed it off as pure anger, even though they didn't even know she was listening. She didn't know he told people about their playtime! She, she thought it was their secret. Part of why she liked it, part of what made it special was the fact that it was their secret.
Plus, Courtney wasn't a prize to be won, or something that Jan had a right to brag about. If she wasn't filled with all that inner-strength she always took so much pride in, a tear would have come to her eye. But no; she wouldn't allow that. She would never cry over a stupid boy, especially a high-school cheerleader. Instead, she'd make him pay for his big mouth, dearly.
"She opens up to me." Jan said to Whitney, who scoffed at his remark, obviously trying not to burst out with laughter.
"Opens up to you? What, tells you her deepest, darkest secrets? You put the Lude in diluted. Get over it. She's too good for you."
Glaring at Whitney for a moment, Jan leaped to his feet and rushed out of the gym. Whitney scoffed, her face twisting into a slight snarl. Courtney stormed out of her hiding spot at that moment, digits curled up to rest upon her hips.
"What the hell?" She said, furrowing her brow at Whitney accusingly. She didn't appreciate the fact that her best friend was talking about her behind her back either, and if Whitney knew all this time that Jan was talking about her, she damn well should have told her! Whitney whirled around, a guilty expression on her face.
"Courtney! I was just .."
"Talking about me with Jan? What did he tell you?" She demanded, her voice sharp and clear, demanding an immediate answer.
"Sorry!" Whitney stammered, shifting weight but not daring to try and make an escape. "I- he's such a loser, thinks he can get with you! How pathetic is that?"
Courtney kept her steady gaze on Whitney; no, she wasn't going to slink her way out of this one! "You never told me. How could you never tell me?" She spat at Whitney, taking a menacing step forward.
"Well, you never told me either." Whitney responded softly, not challenging Courtney but gently making a point.
"That was- it-" Ugh, she hated when her words didn't flow right! But what could she say? Wait, no, it wasn't her duty to have to explain. Whitney had no right to demand to know every detail of Courtney's life! "It's none of your business!" She finally managed to shout.
"Calm down, Courtney. I was defending you." Whitney tried to explain. "He's got some kind of dilution that there could be something there- and I told him there's no way in hell!" Courtney kept her steady gaze locked on Whitney, her hand remaining stubbornly on her hips.
"Whatever." Was the only thing she could think of to say back. Pathetic, cliché, but what else could she say? Spinning off on her heel, she hefted up her duffel again and stormed out of the gym. Some best friend. Doesn't even tell her when a guy is dishing out something that's obviously supposed to be a secret. Betrayed. Betrayed by Jan, betrayed by Whitney. She tried so hard to put forth a good example, to be a strong, independent woman and fit like a glove into a well-oiled society, and it was all for nothing!
Stopping in the empty cafeteria, Courtney flung herself down at one of the tables and buried her head in her hands. She didn't cry, she refused to cry but, she needed a few minutes to herself, where no one was around, where she could show vulnerability and weakness and not get metaphorically slapped in the face for it. Usually defined shoulders slumped, her body beginning to shake. She was seemingly always so close to personal victory, like payoff for all of her hard work was finally coming near and just when she felt she was getting away with something, it had to fall apart at her feet. It wasn't fair.
"Court?" Said a soft voice, ripping through her moment of temporary breakdown. Fucking hell. Once again, she was caught in the action of showing weakness. She couldn't win. Without moving an inch, she opened her mouth to respond.
"Get. Out." She said, two words that held so much anger inside of them that the words were practically shaking. She listened, praying silently to hear footsteps moving away, but only silence followed. "GET OUT!" She screamed again, much faster, with loudness as her indicated force. Still, she heard no footsteps. Sighing with pure rage and aggravation, Courtney flung her head up to glare at him, the one who betrayed her. "If you don't get out of my sight in five seconds, I'm going to kick your ass!" She warned him, meaning every word she said with vengeful intention. Jan took only one step backwards, holding up his palms.
"Whoa! I don't know why you're so upset, but-"
"You don't know WHY?" She screamed in rage, swinging her legs over the bench into a standing position. "You bragged about me! Like I'm a prize! You told people, and I thought you wouldn't tell! You fucked me over, and you don't give a shit, do you? DO YOU?" Her breathing was ragged, trying desperately to hold on to her rage. She wanted to attack him right there, to throw her fist into his pretty little face over and over and over again, to hear him beg for forgiveness, to hear him say he did care, and that he was sorry- no, what was she thinking? No, she didn't want him to care! This wasn't about caring! This was about her reputation!
The look on Jan's face slowly fell, his eyes widening, softening. "Courtney, I didn't mean to- I just,"
"You just, what? Thought you could USE me?" She took another step forward, not caring that this was school and unless she took him outside to beat the crap out of him, she'd get in trouble. At this point who gave a shit?
"No. I didn't use you. I-" Jan sighed, not backing away from Courtney, which caused her to pause with uncertainty. Shouldn't he at least be a bit afraid of her? Did he not believe that she'd really do it? Was that it? Well, she'd prove him wrong! Raising a hand, she drew her shoulder back in one swift movement and flung it towards his face, feeling a tiny moment of satisfaction when her hand roughly collided with his cheek.
Instead of anger flashing across Jan's face, his eyes steadily rested on Courtney with a softness in them she had never really seen before, or never wanted to see before. Pausing, she sneered with confusion. What was his deal?
"Go ahead, Courtney. Do what you have to do."
"What are you talking about?"
"You need to blame someone else for all this, then go ahead, blame me. You need to beat someone up?" He held out his arms in a `bring it on' fashion. "I'm offering. If it makes you happy."
Frozen to where she stood, Courtney genuinely had no idea how to respond to that. What was his deal? Why would he just, let her beat him up? Was it because he knew he was an asshole, and he deserved it? If he submitted willingly, that took away the fun and the release the hits would have brought to her. But she was desperate, and she didn't know what else to do. Her body began to shake with the ferocity of her emotions, and that just confused her more. What was WRONG with her? Was she about to get her period or something? She wasn't due for another week, but, but she was so overwhelmed, so stressed, and she was on the verge of a serious overload.
She barely even noticed until it was too late that Jan had slowly lowered his arms and moved towards her, pulling her softly into a comforting embrace. No! She couldn't do this! She couldn't let someone support her, be there for her! She was there for herself and that was all she needed! But for some reason, she couldn't force herself to pull out of that embrace, especially when his hand slipped under her shirt to gently stroke the small of her back. It was so comforting, it felt so good, but no, she still wouldn't let go , even when her body was begging her, pleading with her to just release.
"It's okay." Jan said softly, holding her close to him. "Let it out. Just let it out." She couldn't take it anymore, and as much as she tried to resist, involuntary tears welled up in her eyes and sprang loose. With one choking sob, she fell against him, tears streaming down her cheeks. He rocked her back and forth slowly, but she was oblivious to it all. She saw everything flash before her eyes as they were squeezed shut. Visions of her past shot through her mind. She used to wait up for her parents as a child every night, praying they'd come home to tuck her in, they'd kiss her cheek goodnight and ask her how her day was. Her stuffed animals would be the ones to do it instead, the baby sitter always on the phone, never paying any attention to what she had been doing.
She saw her father's hand, so large compared to her own as a child, and she remembered the stinging pain of when he would slap her if she said or did the wrong thing. Alone, always alone. She had no one but herself, and now, here she was, crying her eyes out in the arms of the person who had betrayed her trust in the first place.
"I'm sorry." Jan whispered in Courtney's ear as he continued to hold her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I didn't." Courtney heard the words, but what he was saying didn't matter at this point. It was only an echo of sound, it was the tone that soothed her mind. The tone she had craved from her parents years ago, but never received. The tone that she would never openly admit to admiring, because in softness lays weakness, and in weakness lays badness. If she would have lived her life in weakness, she never would have survived.
At that thought, Courtney forced her tears to dry up. Minutes of crying, for the first time in years, were still minutes too much, and it was a horrible thing for her to do. She slowly pulled back from Jan, feverishly wiping her face, her eyes, trying to hide all evidence of the breakdown she never should have allowed herself to have.
"It's okay." Jan said to her in a reassuring manner. "I won't tell anyone."
God, he knew. He knew her hidden secrets, her insecurities she'd worked so hard to deny and push away. He knew what was inside of her.
The empty cafeteria suddenly seemed like the most claustrophobic place she'd ever been in. She could feel her heart pounding, she could hear her own breath. Quickly, she scrambled into a straighter position, her eyes darting around for her gym bag. She had to get out of here. She had to get back to safety, back to whatever place she could feel like herself again. She had to get out now.
"Courtney-" Jan started, but she refused to let him finish.
"Never. Never ever tell. If you do, I'll make you pay." Her words were sharp and defined, her eyes narrowed, not hating him, but hating herself at that moment, for showing him her weakness. At that, she clutched the handle on her gym bag and fled the cafeteria as fast as she could, refusing to look back. The last thing she ever wanted to see now would be Jan's face, having to be reminded of what he knew about her. She never should have given him that power.
Courtney sat listlessly upon her soft, pink comforter; her knees drawn up to her chest and hands folded into each other over them. She'd been sitting like this for hours, staring blankly at all the pictures on her wall. She had looked so happy that day at nationals back in February, all that hard work finally paying off and them getting rewarded for it. Why wasn't she happy now? High school was almost over and she'd be moving on to bigger and better things, and then she could really roar, make her presence and her integrity completely known to the world. Shouldn't that be enough for her?
Why had she done that earlier? Why had she cried? Those tears couldn't have been her own. Courtney didn't cry.
Her eyes rested accidentally on a picture of her and Jan, grinning widely into the camera. That was actually a cute picture of them, genuine, more of a `Kodak moment' then a pose.
Courtney tore her eyes away from it. What was she thinking? So what if he saw her weakness and didn't act like he judged her on it? What if he really did judge her because of it? What if things would never be the same between them? She liked how their games were on a casual level, nothing more than a little play.
Would Jan look at her differently now? Would the games be too weird to play? What if he had lied to her about not telling anyone that she actually cried? No one would ever take her seriously again. Her entire life that she'd work so hard to build up would be ruined.
Courtney nearly jumped off of her bed when the doorbell rang, rudely interrupting her whirlwind of thoughts. Frowning, she walked with a lack of interest towards the door. It was probably Whitney, whom she really didn't want to see right now either. She was too confused and upset to deal with her friend right now.
Peering suspiciously though the peep-hole, a delivery-type man stood outside the door. Ugh, if he was trying to sell something, he could just peddle his sorry, good will clothed poor, uneducated ass right off of her property, and she had no patience for that crap!
Flinging the door open, Courtney drew her shoulders back and tapped her foot, pausing when her eyes fell on the big vase of roses the man held out to her. Roses? What the hell?
After composing herself, she reached out to grab them. "Thanks." She said quickly, setting them down on the little table by the door.
"Sign?" The delivery man asked her, handing her a clip-board. Frowning, she scribbled her signature and shoved the clipboard back at the man, waving him away. She turned her attention towards the roses, eyeing that little note suspiciously. At this point, did she even want to know?
The piece of paper was silently taunting Courtney, and in aggravation she finally plucked it up and opened it.
For the most beautiful girl in the world
Whom I owe an apology to.
I promise I won't tell.
Courtney's lips trembled a bit, softening for a brief moment with the impact of his sweetness. Or was it sweetness? What if it was just a trick? What if he was just trying to butter her up so she didn't suspect what a real asshole he actually was?
Setting the card down, Courtney stared at the roses again. They were in fact pretty, six red and six whites, arranged almost like it was valentine's day or something. It was a sweet gesture, and no matter how hard she tried to rationalize it with suspicion, she knew that none of her mind's explanations were entirely accurate.
When Courtney awoke the next morning, she forced herself to look in the mirror, and make a solemn promise that nothing had changed, that she'd keep doing everything she had been doing before yesterday. It was just another day, it meant nothing.
Ignoring the butterflies in her stomach that refused to leave well enough alone, she arrived at the gym early for practice, to wait for Jan, like she'd done for a long time before this day. Sure enough, he came rushing into the gym, a smile across his face. Courtney tried to force that same arrogant smile upon her own face, repeating over and over again in her mind "Nothing's changed. Nothing's changed. NOTHING'S CHANGED."
Slowly walking up to Courtney, Jan tilted his head, almost sizing her up, seeing if she'd pull away. She frowned. Nothing's changed, huh? Then why was he treating her like she was fragile? That's exactly what she didn't want!
Partly out of anger and party out of a need to prove a point, Courtney suddenly rushed forward, grabbing Jan by his shirt and yanking him towards her, smothering him in a deep, seductive kiss. He thought she was weak? He thought she was squeamish? She'd prove to him that she was none of those things. She saw his eyes bulge in surprise and that only egged her on, pressing her body against him, pulling him closer to her, letting him feel all of her heat. She wanted to devour him at that moment, to blow his mind and make him feel things he'd only dreamt about. That way when he looked at her, his awe would be restored, completely erasing the memory of her weak, pathetic tears.
Even though it was obvious Jan was enjoying her advances, he slowly broke the passionate kiss, raising his eyes up to meet hers. She blinked a bit. What was he doing? Then slowly, he brought his mouth back to hers, kissing her softly, slowly, taking his time letting his tongue graze against hers.
Courtney shuddered. Of coarse the kiss felt nice, but that wasn't the point! This wasn't supposed to feel, comforting, this was supposed to feel hot and racy! No more comforting! Breaking the kiss, she pulled away, a dissatisfied pouty expression on her face. Jan remained stationary, observing her. She studied his face, but he was making an effort to try and keep it expressionless for the moment. He took one step towards Courtney and stopped.
Courtney couldn't decide weather to pounce him again or to simply flee the gym, so she did neither, just standing there with an indecisive expression. He took another step closer to her, and another, slowly bringing his arm around her back and tilting his head up to capture her lips one more time. He kissed her softly, slowly, as if sensitive to her every moment, tasting her deep. She'd never been kissed like this before, with such soft passion that it made her feel like the most important person in the world. This time, she didn't pull away.
Jan's hand slowly rose to Courtney's head, his fingers slipping gently through her platinum-blonde hair, massaging her scalp gently as the kiss slowly deepened. Instinctively she arched her back a bit, pressing herself towards him. She'd never felt this kind of warmth before, this level of intimacy that heated up her entire body, inch by inch. The fact that she wanted more of this however, scared her a bit, and she began to involuntarily shudder.
Jan slowly broke the kiss and rested his lips on her cheek for a brief moment, both hands curling underneath her arms to embrace her. He pulled her closer against him, his hands slipping up and down her back gently, soothingly, provocatively.
Courtney could feel the heat off his body, radiating against her own in a nearly unbearable passion. Shifting her thighs into him, she silently begged for some sort of normality to balance the scale of this extremely different and abnormal before-practice interlude.
Jan responded to her plea of coarse, one of his hands leaving her back and crawling in-between their bodies, tracing up the gentle curve of her inner thigh- and like a reflex Courtney's eyelids lowered over her eyes, her back arching softly, her chin tilting upwards. When it came to this part, Jan knew what she liked. His fingers slowly slipped into her, moving expertly just the way she liked it. He kissed her again as he worked, soft and slow as if tasting every bit of her mouth, relishing in its sweet taste.
Courtney cried out softly into his mouth, her entire body shaking with soft electric sparks. How did he do this to her? No one had ever done this to her on this kind of level before. She'd of coarse played around with guys before, even with this guy before, several times, but there was something different about this.
Jan's lips tantalized her skin, traveling over Courtney's chin, down her neck slowly, her collar bone, slowly back up the other side of her neck and paused by her earlobe. "Come on, baby. Just let go." He encouraged her softly, his fingers working faster. She cried out again, biting her lower lip and cringing, trying to contain her voice, after all the gym had a huge echo-factor as it was. "That's it," He encouraged again, obviously not concerned with the whole noise-factor. The more she whimpered the faster he went, daring but not uncaring. "Yeah," he said to her, moving his lips up and down her neck with small, soft kisses.
Unable to take any more of this, Courtney dug her teeth into her lower lip and almost screamed, her knees wobbling with the intensity. Jan wrapped his other arm securely around her waist, supporting her while she shuddered with bliss, his mouth still kissing all over her neck, his tongue flicking across her earlobe. "Good girl.." he whispered to her, his moments slowing down as she receded.
Wow. That was, well not even in her mind did she have another word for it but, wow. Now should be the time where he'd go to wash his hand before everyone arrived for practice, and she'd resume her arrogant, put-together persona. So, why was he still holding her? And more importantly, why was she letting him?
Putting his hand gently on the side of her head, Jan encouraged her gently to rest her head on his shoulder, and for reasons way beyond her comprehension, she submitted and rested her head, briefly closing her eyes. She knew this was wrong. She knew that she was doing exactly what she did yesterday and regretted- showing weakness, letting someone care for her, when she was so used to only caring for herself. But it felt so nice to be cared for; wanted, loved in a way she'd craved so much as a child but never attained, and she couldn't pull herself away, as much as she knew she'd hate herself for it later. Against her better judgement she remained resting upon him, nudging her head comfortably into the groove of his shoulder. She felt him gently move his head and plant a small kiss on her forehead. "I do care about you." He whispered softly. "I may be an ass at showing it, but I do."
There was so much Courtney wanted to say to him, so many thoughts that suddenly came rushing into her mind that she almost fainted with disbelief. Did she actually care about him too? Sure they had fun secret interludes here and there, and they did generally work well together on the squad, but that didn't mean anything! Or did it? Lifting her chin a bit, she planted a kiss upon his chin, then lowered her head again to rest back on his shoulder. That small move was the only way she could communicate feelings she couldn't verbally admit she had.
The gym doors open again and immediately Courtney leapt back, a completely guilty and embarrassed look upon her face. Jan cast a sad look at her, as if he was disappointed in her, or upset that she was so ashamed. But, but that was the way it was supposed to be! Their interludes, and then everything that had happened yesterday, and then the roses! And the apology! Could he not STOP screwing her over?
Her time to contemplate Jan's facial expression was quickly cut short by mindless chatter amounts the squad, chatter that fortunately had nothing to do with Jan or Courtney. Either no one noticed, or everyone already knew what was going on, and it couldn't occur to them to care.
Courtney pushed all of her confusion to the back of her mind, going through practice with her usual arrogant infatuation with temporary authority. If she was upset, she certainly wasn't showing it and she was making herself very proud of her efforts. This, right now, was what she had worked so hard for her entire life. When she yelled jump, the team yelled How High. When she was short with someone, a slight look of fear could be detected in his or her eyes. She was important. Her opinions were important, and they seeked her approval over the way they were conducting their lives. There were however the few annoying exceptions such as that horrid Missy girl that Torrence had been buddy-buddy with ever since the school year started, but she totally didn't count. Courtney was disgusted by her and had given up attempting to teach her proper societal behavior a long time ago.
Everyone went through the motions of the practice, they all knew they were extremely good but, for Courtney, cheering had lost its vigor. Probably because she was a senior, and she knew that the high school cheer competitions were over for her forever and what was the point in working hard when there was nothing left to achieve? She faltered a bit during the Lift, and as usual Jan's digits grazed her as she slipped down. Well at least some things hadn't changed.
Tossing her spanky-pants into her gym Locker, Courtney slipped on a pair of khaki shorts and searched for her tank-top, sighing heavily with the weight of thoughts in her mind. What was she going to do? Should she just blow all that off, write it off as a yesterday thing and go on with her life? Should she talk to him about it? Wait, about what? What could she possibly say to him that would make any sense or difference? Maybe she should just stay away from him from now on; no more before-practice spirit-finger fun, no more anything. No, no then others would get suspicious. Or was this even about others? Maybe she just didn't want to have the guilt on herself. Ugh! This was pathetic! Yanking on her tank-top, her face was etched with a confused and annoyed frown. A tap on the shoulder interrupted her thoughts and she whirled around, ready to snap at the person who dared disturb her from her prided solitude.
"What the hell do you want?" She sneered at Missy; the alternative-type cheer girl who acted like she was all that and a bag of chips just because she pretended like authority didn't matter. Missy pursed her lips, raising her eyes definitely level with Courtney's as if silently challenging her, or just merely making a point that she refused to be intimidated.
"Whatever's going on with you, why don't you just get over yourself, and talk to him?" Courtney blinked blankly for a minute, almost unable to believe that girl actually had the nerve to speak with her that way?
"Excuse me? What the hell do you know about it?" She spat back, narrowing her eyes in a silent warning.
"More than you think. And lemme tell you something- he Likes you! It's so obvious, and instead of playing games because you're an arrogant brat who only thinks about yourself, why don't you try caring about someone else too for once?" Courtney's jaw fell a bit. She knew this girl had a smart mouth on her, but what nerve and insensitivity she had to point the accusing finger at Courtney!
"Get away from me, or I'm going to kick your ass!" Missy only laughed a bit, raising one hand to rest on her hip, an amused sneer on her face.
"Oh really?" Courtney took a step forward, narrowing her eyes, feeling her anger boil up inside of her. Not that she was all that mad at Missy, in a way she couldn't blame the girl for having a smart mouth, it's just that her mouth would be so much more appropriate if she was more like Courtney in general. But, what was going on, was none of this bitch's business!
Missy laughed a little bit, her stance relaxing when Courtney didn't rush in when she had the chance. "Just talk to him. You'll see." She said, whirling around on her heel and heading out. Courtney stood there for a moment, a dumbfounded expression on her face. Talk to him? What could she say? "Thanks for being so great with your hands? Are you great with any other parts of your body?" Whoa, did she just think that out loud? What was Wrong with her?
Courtney flung her front door open, tossing her duffel to the ground where it would most likely remain until the next day. Of coarse no one was home- like they ever were, but sure enough those of hers glanced towards the roses. She couldn't help but walk over to them, gaze at them with a softened expression she only let come out when she was alone, or lately, with Jan, alone.
Courtney closed her eyes for a brief moment, thoughts of him filling her head. His smile, his muscular arms when they'd lift her up to the sky, and without meaning to, a genuine smile crept across her lips. Why did thoughts of him suddenly make her feel better? Why had it been so nice, just to rest her head on his shoulder?
Courtney had been letting her guard down, and as hard as she had tried to fight it, for so long, she was slowly loosing the battle. She had been so alone, for so long that she didn't know anything else. But maybe she had been wrong, maybe she could not be alone, but not loose her strength. As long as she didn't loose herself, it could happen, and it could work, couldn't it? She could still taste his lips on her, still feel his fingers inside of her, she still shook with the memory of his tenderness.
Trembling digits slowly picked up the phone, dialing a number she hoped to God she wouldn't regret dialing. After a ring and a half, someone finally picked up.
"Hello?" Jan said, making Courtney sigh with relief.
"It's me." She said, her voice quick and sharp, hiding its uncertainty and softness. She closed her eyes for a brief moment, trying to calm those butterflies that were fluttering around her stomach in a manic frenzy.
"Courtney. Hey." He responded, sounding uncertain as to why she would call him. She paused. Oh god, what was she supposed to say now?
"I, um, I just wanted to .." She trailed off, but Jan remained silent. She had to finish what she started. "I'm sorry." She finally said, without planning to. Sorry for what? She didn't even really know. Or maybe she did, and she just couldn't put it into words. "I'm sorry for, all of it. And, I'm a pain in the ass and, and I won't play games anymore. It's not fair and it's just confusing. I'm going to let you get on with your life." God, where did that come from? Most definitely fear.
"Don't hang up." Jan suddenly said, a command but a gentle one. "You don't have to be sorry. I know it's hard for you, and I get why. And it's cool."
"It's not cool." She said, her jaw trembling a bit. "It's, a total my bad. But, I don't want you to think that, um," she paused again, words not being her friend.
"I don't think anything bad about you. I never have." Courtney's jaw trembled a bit more at that, her eyes glancing once more over at those beautiful roses. She should water them, she didn't want them to die so quickly.
Whoa. She didn't want them to die. She didn't want this to die either, and unless she said something, right now, it probably would. "I need you!" She finally yelled out, probably making him jump on the other end of that phone. She took a deep breath. "You're the only one who- who .." Her eyes welled up, the second time in years, but also the second time in twenty-four hours that her she would cry. "Come over." She said, again something she wasn't planning on asking of him.
"Are you sure?" He asked cautiously, as if testing her sincerity.
"Yeah." She said before she could change her mind. "Now."
"Okay. I'll be right over." He said, hanging up the phone. She sat there for a few moments, unmoving, paralyzed with fear. The dial tone was buzzing steadily in her ear, but she didn't even notice much. What had she just done? What was she about to do? She might ruin everything she had worked so hard to achieve. But, didn't she deserve a release? Didn't she deserve to feel loved?
What seemed like impossibly soon, the doorbell rang. Oh god, she'd have to get up and answer it. She'd have to let him in. She'd have to deal with what she had done. She'd have to face her biggest fear.
A slow trembling hand reached forward, inching the door open slowly, her eyes raising up to look upon him, the one human who had ever tried to make her feel safe. She just stood there for a moment, just, looking upon him. Praying that what she saw was real. Finally she stepped aside, silently inviting him in.
Jan entered cautiously, his eyes resting upon Courtney with softness and ease, as if trying not to frighten her. "Hi." He said. She shifted her weight, closing the door.
"Hi." Her palms were sweaty, ugh, gross. She must be hideous to look at. "I, um,"
"You don't have to say anything, if you don't want to." He said to her, slowly bringing his hand up to gently rest it on her cheek. Her eyes immediately shut, welcoming the small gesture of comfort with desperation. She moved forward, wrapping he slender arms around his torso, her head snuggling into that groove between his shoulder and his neck. God it felt good just to be held in silence. His hand gently stroked her hair, his lips kissing her forehead gently. Now she finally got that saying, "Actions speak louder than words." There were no words to describe this feeling. It was everything she yearned for, and everything she feared for so long. But she couldn't give in and take it back now. No, now she was involved in this weather she wanted to be or not. It was time to grow up.
"Thanks for coming." She finally said, breaking the silence with an uncharacteristic phrase of appreciation. Jan laughed softly, still holding her close.
"I'd do anything for you." He said back. A man who said the right thing at the right time? Was she dead? Dreaming? Tilting her head up, she kept her eyes closed, parting her lips softly and waiting until she felt him kiss her. His lips closed softly upon her own, kissing her soft, slow, and she sank into the kiss, desperately fighting to just let herself go. It was like everything he was doing was for her, every stroke of his tongue, every time he tightened his embrace around her. His hand began to move between them again, but she put her palm over his and gently broke the kiss.
"No." she said softly, kissing his chin. "I want you. All of you." He blinked, staring at her with concern.
"I don't want to take advantage," He said to her softly. She kissed his chin again.
"You're not. You say you care about me? Prove it. Make me feel it. I need to feel loved. I need to feel." Gently stepping back from him, she slipped her fingers into his and turned around, gently leading him further into her house- into her bedroom. The bedroom she had cried in as a child night after night. The bedroom that held her fantasy world of talking stuffed animals that had comforted her when no one else would. The bedroom that she had found her inner-strength that was all based on a cowardly lie.
Courtney closed the door behind them gently, eyeing him with a strange inner-calm she was surprised she was even feeling. He tilted his head.
"Are you sure, you want to do this?" His hand came up to her cheek again, resting against it. She nodded.
"Yeah. I've never been more sure of anything." She took a step backwards towards her bed, playful of coarse but with a softer tone, not teasing him to come get her, merely silently asking him to follow. Carefully, slowly, he did, and she stretched her palms in back of her, scooting herself onto the bed. He stood above her, just, looking. She narrowed her eyes a bit.
"God, you're beautiful." He finally said, blinking. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." Again, he said the right thing, at the right time. Even if this was a dream, she still wanted to feel. She scooted back a bit farther, eyeing him with wide, uncertain but expectant and pleading eyes. Flashing one of his slightly arrogant but still irresistible smiles, he slowly advanced on her, his hand tracing her inner thigh again. She arched her back, leaning further down on the bed, sighing softly. His touch felt so good.
Jan slowly crawled onto the bed with Courtney; his head lowering towards his neck so his lips could graze across her skin. Her eyes fluttered shut, her skin awakening to him, for him. Her hand slowly slipped around his waist, drawing him down unto her, her fingers grazing across the skin on his back. She slowly brought her hand up, inching his shirt further against his back until he leaned up for a second, bringing his arms up to lift his shirt over his head and toss it lightly aside.
Courtney blinked for a moment, unable to help her gaze from drifting over his well-muscled abs and his strong, safe arms. She raised her upper body and brought her lips to his neck, letting them linger for a moment before kissing a path down his chest. Wow he had a nice body, so smooth and well formed, and his skin tasted so good against her mouth. Did he use Coolwater? She was Sure she could detect hints of its smell, which only turned her on more.
Jan sighed softly, his chest heaving in and out against Courtney's lips. She grinned for a moment with self-satisfaction; she must be doing something right! Suddenly she felt his hands against her midriff, slowly creeping upwards, and she leaned back a bit as her shirt slid up and off of her with grace. Immediately he began kissing around her collarbone, then lower, his hands slowly moving over her breasts. Her entire body began to tingle, his touch feeling like a million touches nearly scalding her skin but bringing it to life at the same time.
Courtney arched her back softly against the bed and Jan's hands slowly slipped under her back, fiddling with her clasp until it finally sprang loose, her bra slipping away from her skin. Her breath caught in her throat for a moment, his fingers slowly, tenderly moving over her, as if testing her, making sure it was all right. She smiled softly at him, crying out a bit as his lips neared hers again capturing them in a soft, tender kiss. She leaned up into his hands, not really sure what she was doing but whatever it was, it felt beyond amazing.
Courtney gasped in surprise as Jan laid against her, feeling something pressing against her hip. Jan immediately blushed. "Sorry .." He muttered, laughing a bit.
"It's okay .." she assured him, resting her inner thigh against his leg and kissing his chin. She couldn't help it; his chin was just so cute! Her skin was hot, like she was standing outside and it was a hundred degrees or something. But she was ready, she was beyond ready. She whimpered softly, pressing her body against his, begging to feel everything she could.
Clumsily, Jan lowers his hand fumbling with the zipper on his pants, finally managing the slide them down his legs while running a gentle tongue over Courtney's chest. She cried out softly again, a genuine grin of ecstasy spread across her mouth. He managed to toss his pants and boxers over the side of the bed, his tantalizing kisses slowly moving downwards, grazing over the gentle slope of her tummy, his tongue teasing her belly-button.
Jan's fingers slowly slipped underneath Courtney's panties, drawling her last pieces of clothing slowly down her legs, as if relishing every moment with his eyes over what they revealed. She shifted her weight self-consciously, her eyes scanning him with a bit of fear, needing reassurance, wanting to feel beautiful. He raised himself over her again, planting small kisses all around her neck, swinging his knee over her leg. He paused. "Are you sure you want to do this?" He whispered softly. Her eyes widening, that question rang in her mind only briefly before she knew the answer, in her heart.
"Yes."
"Courtney?" He paused, looking deep into her eyes, begging her silently not to look away. "I- I love you." Courtney paused, her voice caught in her throat, a small tear forming and sliding out of the corner of her eye. God ..god was it true? Did he really love her? Was this all happening for real?
As if he could hear her pleas and concerns, Jan leaned forward and gently kissed away that small tear on the side of her eye. "If you'll let me, I'll always kiss away your tears." Slowly he adjusted himself over her, his lips lingering less than an inch from her own as he slowly slid into her. She gasped a bit, and he paused. "You okay?" She breathed in deep, and slowly nodded. It hurt a little, but that was normal. And it also felt unbelievable.
Courtney wrapped her arms tightly around Jan, holding him tightly to her as he slowly moved in and out. She cried out softly, this feeling was more amazing then she ever could have imagined. It wasn't just about sex, or about lust, it was like she could feel him caring for her, with every movement. She wanted to cry, half of her scared shitless that when the sex was over so would be the love, but she couldn't pull away now, she had gone this far and she had to finish it.
Courtney's legs wrapped around him, her heels resting on the backs of his calves. His lips and tongue flicked over her skin, his hands brushed across her chest, his eyes looking down upon her saying "I love you" over and over again. She couldn't take this anymore, and finally she had to let go, literally screaming out as her entire body hurled into convulsions, a million fireworks inside of her going off all at once. She felt Jan tremble inside of her and against her, also crying out. She gripped him tightly to her, her nails raking up his back.
Slowly, the intensity of the moment began to recede, and slowly Jan pulled out of her and rolled to his side. Immediately she turned towards him, nestling her head into that special spot on his shoulder and closing her eyes. It was her turn now, her turn to say what she had felt that entire time.
"I love you too." She whispered the words so difficult to say, and yet filled with a truth she was overwhelmed with. Jan tilted his head downward to look at her with a bit of surprise, planting a small kiss on her forehead. She had said it. She had acted it out. And for once, this wasn't a front she put on, or a duty she was performing. This was natural. This was real. This was exactly what it was supposed to be.
The next day, Courtney waited impatiently before cheer practice for Jan to arrive, as usual, only now for a different reason. She felt incomplete now, alone, as she waited, picking at her nails, twirling her hair, kicking the ground softly with her shoe. She heard the gym door open and her eyes immediately shot up, falling upon Jan, an ecstatic smile of relief and happiness tossed across her face.
Walking briskly up towards her, Jan wrapped his arms around her in a comforting hug, planting a kiss upon her lips. The gym door opened a moment later as the rest of the squad hurried in for practice, and Jan pulled back slightly, looking at Courtney with concern. For the slightest moment she wanted to push him away, but instead she pulled him closer and kissed him again. Everyone stopped in their tracks, a surprised look on their faces, and Courtney just laughed, eyeing Jan with a knowing and confident grin.
Someone was watching him at the game. Someone was watching HER man. The only one that cared about her! The only one that made her feel loved! "GET YOUR EYES OFF OF MY BOYFRIEND!" She yelled without thinking, her hands on her hips, ready to kick this chick's ass.
Yeah Courtney may have changed, but still. No one had ever better defy her or cross her path. Especially when it came to Jan.
A "Bring It On" Fan Fiction Story
By Clarebear
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them to finish a story line that the movie started. No infringement intended, and they will be promptly returned at the end.
Teaser: Courtney and Jan had an unspoken fling, but neither of them seemed to admit it to anyone, or even to themselves. What if it was more, and how will they deal when things come out in the open?
Narrowed sea-blue orbs scan the empty gym with scrutiny, slender arms folded underneath her chest. Her foot began to tap mercilessly against the ground, creating a repetitive defined echo that screamed "Courtney's impatient!" to the world. She hated waiting. If anyone ever wanted to stay on her good side, punctuality was a must.
After what seemed to her like hours later, he finally came rushing into the empty gym. His eyes met hers for only the briefest moment, he knew never to look at her longer than that, but still he communicated his genuine silent apology. During that half a second, she wanted to forgive him, she wanted to toss her own arms around him and let him comfort her, let him hold her- but that show of weakness was something she would never do.
Courtney wasn't the type to ever show weakness in front of another human being. Weakness disgusted her. She would never understand these `modern rebels,' or why they worked so hard to shun the pre-set rules that society was constructed of. That was all they had the only means of survival in this world where it was every woman for herself. She had never had an example to follow other than society as a whole, and that's why Courtney embraced it, cherished it and stuck to it like it was her parent, because in actuality, it was.
She had always taken it upon herself to be the leader to others that she never had, to be the example of near-perfection in this world. She worked so hard to show others how to survive, to teach them the proper ways of existence. True she was crabby with them, but they could be so rude sometimes, having no appreciation for the duty she carried out, and even calling her a "bitch" for her efforts! Ugh!
"Hey.." His voice cut through her mind's ranting, forcing her to leap back into the present moment.
"What?" She said, aggravation etching in her voice. After all, he was the one that was late for this little interlude.
"Sorry I'm late. I had to stop in the locker room and find my shoes." Courtney narrowed her eyes, unsure for a moment weather to laugh at that pathetic excuse, or smack him for daring to open his mouth and say something so ridiculous.
"What the hell, would you need your gym shoes for?" She snapped back, just to see if he'd say something even dumber.
"I'm not sure if we'll have time to change again, before practice." He responded with a cocky half smile spread across his adorable face. Not like she'd ever admit it was adorable, but she thought a lot of things she'd never admit. Still, she had to give him credit for having such, confidence, in his abilities. Instead of scowling, she shot back one of her sarcastic smiles, swaying her sloping shoulders a bit and taking a playful step backwards. Teasing Jan was so much fun.
She could feel his eyes on her, the echoed empty gym accentuating their breathing, making it seem louder, in sync with the rhythm of each other's oxygen-intake. He was definitely taking his time with his eye candy, letting his gaze follow from her smirking face down the gentle curve of her neck, past her chest, over her tummy and of coarse they locked on her thighs. His eyes always seemed to get stuck when it came to her thighs.
Courtney shifted her hips a bit, taking another small step backwards. Good thing she was already dressed in her cheer uniform, red was definitely her color. After a moment Jan finally began to advance on her, slowly closing the distance between them like a cougar, slowly cornering it's malicious prey.
Rarely ever did Courtney consider herself prey of anyone or anything, but in moments like these, where she was all alone, with only Jan, she was willing to temporarily accept that role. No one had to know. No one really did, on a realistic level. A few jokes were passed around here and there, but no one actually believed them. That was the way she liked it.
Courtney let out a small, almost undetectable gasp as the final inch between them was closed, his digits reaching forward to lightly brush against the inside of her right thigh. Jan grinned at her facial expression, always seeming pleased when he gave her the slightest hint of pleasure. She never had the nerve to actually ask him why he liked her, or why he gave a shit weather she was happy or not, because the honest truth of the matter was she didn't want to know. There were a lot of bitter truths that Courtney had forced herself to handle over the years, but some she would just rather be ignorant to.
Jan's hand slowly moved up her thigh, barely brushing against her skin like tantalizing fairy dust begging her to fly. Courtney froze in her stance, her breath shortening, her eyes darting everywhere across the room except for Jan. This was the only time she ever looked slightly dissevered; the only time when she'd ever let her overconfident-mask slip, just a little bit.
Jan's hand continued to move up Courtney's thigh, ducking under her skirt, his lips slowly moving forward towards her neck. She could feel his breath on her skin, warm, oddly soothing, and she submitted to it, letting her lids flutter over her eyes so she could tumble into bliss, her chin tilting upwards. She felt something against her earlobe right as his digits brushed against her, and she let out an involuntary sigh, her body shaking a bit.
"That's it," Jan encouraged her softly. She frowned. She didn't like that; she didn't understand it at all. Why was he soothing her? What the fuck did he care? But, why did she care either, when it did in fact feel pretty damn good. "Just relax," he encouraged her, his fingers working a bit faster. Relax, while this was happening? She never did understand that phrase, but in a contradictory way it seemed to make strange sense because she was relaxed, sinking into the feeling, and she didn't even realize that she had brought an arm up to rest upon his shoulder.
Jan smiled with pride, not that she could see it with her eyes closed but she could feel his grin through his movements. "'Atta girl.." he whispered, his lips teasing her neck, traveling over it, planting small kisses upon her flesh.
The gym door flung open and immediately, Jan tore his hand and mouth away from Courtney leaping backwards. Her vulnerable look of silent bliss washed from her face within a second, returning to her usual exterior of cold strength. Her eyes immediately darted towards the intruder; quite relieved to see it was only the oblivious, hyperactive Casey. Not like that little girl would ever notice or care what was going on, which is exactly the way Courtney wanted it.
"Hi! Am I late? Am I late?" Casey squeaked out with an annoying amount of exuberance. Courtney rolled her eyes.
"No. You're early." She said clearly and slowly, trying to intimidate the girl. True that the girl was making a half-hearted effort to follow Courtney's example, but still Courtney found her slightly on the weak side. The girl never stood up for herself, never made her presence known in a defining sort of way.
"Oh." Casey said, her excitement wavering. Turning around, she skipped towards he bleachers. Courtney grinned. She liked the fact that the little girl wasn't completely comfortable in her presence, it meant she still held her unofficial authority over the majority of the squad. Of coarse Little Miss Torrence still acted all high and mighty as squad Captain, but Courtney would admit that she did make them work hard to achieve their status as second-best squad in the country.
"So with Torrence sick and all, what's the agenda?" Jan asked casually, glancing at Courtney out of the corner of his eye. She sighed, her shoulders rolling up.
"Well, obviously, we need to work on that new cheer!" With a flick of her ponytail, she signified her opinion that his question was of the "states-the-obvious" variety, and she found those questions unnecessary and unintelligent. Jan nodded and looked away, seeming a bit upset that he annoyed her. With Casey there of coarse she ignored him. She probably would have ignored him anyway.
Could anything be more annoying than the sweat that came after a hard practice? Ugh, it just grossed Courtney out. Not that she didn't appreciate the "Yay-moments." At the end of a hard day's work, but it's so much easier to be happy with she felt clean. It was nice to play `Captain' for a day though, and maybe the day after too if Torrence still wasn't feeling well.
Not that Courtney rooted for Torrence's pain, exactly, but she knew that even though Torrence did manage to lead them to second place in the national championship, Courtney still should have gotten captain.
After a quick cold shower, Courtney stuffed her sweaty cheer-clothes into her duffel and swung it over her shoulder, heading back out towards the gym. She could hear voices, at least a few stinky squad members still hadn't hit the showers! Eww much? Come to think of it, she hadn't seen Whitney in the showers. Weird, usually she always noticed where her best friend is at all times, but other thoughts have been crossing her mind. Thoughts she didn't approve of nor consciously advocate.
"I can get through to her." Courtney heard a voice say, and her quickened step immediately halted. She knew that voice. It was the voice that had been haunting her for a long time. The voice that belonged to the mouth whose smile made her insides glow. But, what was he talking about?
"Leave it. She's not interested! If she were going to date a high school boy, it certainly wouldn't be a male cheerleader. Relationships in the work place never work out!" Whitney responded. Courtney's brow furrowed slightly. Were they talking about her? The nerve, to talk about her behind her back! It was true that she didn't exactly expect that out of Jan, but most definitely not from her best friend! That's not what loyalty was! Half of her had a mind to confront them right now and demand to know what was being discussed, but some tiny voice in the back of her mind somehow convinced her to stay still, figuring she'd find out more if she listened in secret. "Besides, it's not like you care about her. You just want her for sex."
"That's not true." Jan said softly, his eyes avoiding Whitney's determined stance.
"Bull. I know you tell everyone about her underwear habits, or lack thereof. Don't even try to tell me you haven't been trying to get in her pants." Courtney's jaw dropped, her eyes widening with, well hurt feelings, but of coarse she passed it off as pure anger, even though they didn't even know she was listening. She didn't know he told people about their playtime! She, she thought it was their secret. Part of why she liked it, part of what made it special was the fact that it was their secret.
Plus, Courtney wasn't a prize to be won, or something that Jan had a right to brag about. If she wasn't filled with all that inner-strength she always took so much pride in, a tear would have come to her eye. But no; she wouldn't allow that. She would never cry over a stupid boy, especially a high-school cheerleader. Instead, she'd make him pay for his big mouth, dearly.
"She opens up to me." Jan said to Whitney, who scoffed at his remark, obviously trying not to burst out with laughter.
"Opens up to you? What, tells you her deepest, darkest secrets? You put the Lude in diluted. Get over it. She's too good for you."
Glaring at Whitney for a moment, Jan leaped to his feet and rushed out of the gym. Whitney scoffed, her face twisting into a slight snarl. Courtney stormed out of her hiding spot at that moment, digits curled up to rest upon her hips.
"What the hell?" She said, furrowing her brow at Whitney accusingly. She didn't appreciate the fact that her best friend was talking about her behind her back either, and if Whitney knew all this time that Jan was talking about her, she damn well should have told her! Whitney whirled around, a guilty expression on her face.
"Courtney! I was just .."
"Talking about me with Jan? What did he tell you?" She demanded, her voice sharp and clear, demanding an immediate answer.
"Sorry!" Whitney stammered, shifting weight but not daring to try and make an escape. "I- he's such a loser, thinks he can get with you! How pathetic is that?"
Courtney kept her steady gaze on Whitney; no, she wasn't going to slink her way out of this one! "You never told me. How could you never tell me?" She spat at Whitney, taking a menacing step forward.
"Well, you never told me either." Whitney responded softly, not challenging Courtney but gently making a point.
"That was- it-" Ugh, she hated when her words didn't flow right! But what could she say? Wait, no, it wasn't her duty to have to explain. Whitney had no right to demand to know every detail of Courtney's life! "It's none of your business!" She finally managed to shout.
"Calm down, Courtney. I was defending you." Whitney tried to explain. "He's got some kind of dilution that there could be something there- and I told him there's no way in hell!" Courtney kept her steady gaze locked on Whitney, her hand remaining stubbornly on her hips.
"Whatever." Was the only thing she could think of to say back. Pathetic, cliché, but what else could she say? Spinning off on her heel, she hefted up her duffel again and stormed out of the gym. Some best friend. Doesn't even tell her when a guy is dishing out something that's obviously supposed to be a secret. Betrayed. Betrayed by Jan, betrayed by Whitney. She tried so hard to put forth a good example, to be a strong, independent woman and fit like a glove into a well-oiled society, and it was all for nothing!
Stopping in the empty cafeteria, Courtney flung herself down at one of the tables and buried her head in her hands. She didn't cry, she refused to cry but, she needed a few minutes to herself, where no one was around, where she could show vulnerability and weakness and not get metaphorically slapped in the face for it. Usually defined shoulders slumped, her body beginning to shake. She was seemingly always so close to personal victory, like payoff for all of her hard work was finally coming near and just when she felt she was getting away with something, it had to fall apart at her feet. It wasn't fair.
"Court?" Said a soft voice, ripping through her moment of temporary breakdown. Fucking hell. Once again, she was caught in the action of showing weakness. She couldn't win. Without moving an inch, she opened her mouth to respond.
"Get. Out." She said, two words that held so much anger inside of them that the words were practically shaking. She listened, praying silently to hear footsteps moving away, but only silence followed. "GET OUT!" She screamed again, much faster, with loudness as her indicated force. Still, she heard no footsteps. Sighing with pure rage and aggravation, Courtney flung her head up to glare at him, the one who betrayed her. "If you don't get out of my sight in five seconds, I'm going to kick your ass!" She warned him, meaning every word she said with vengeful intention. Jan took only one step backwards, holding up his palms.
"Whoa! I don't know why you're so upset, but-"
"You don't know WHY?" She screamed in rage, swinging her legs over the bench into a standing position. "You bragged about me! Like I'm a prize! You told people, and I thought you wouldn't tell! You fucked me over, and you don't give a shit, do you? DO YOU?" Her breathing was ragged, trying desperately to hold on to her rage. She wanted to attack him right there, to throw her fist into his pretty little face over and over and over again, to hear him beg for forgiveness, to hear him say he did care, and that he was sorry- no, what was she thinking? No, she didn't want him to care! This wasn't about caring! This was about her reputation!
The look on Jan's face slowly fell, his eyes widening, softening. "Courtney, I didn't mean to- I just,"
"You just, what? Thought you could USE me?" She took another step forward, not caring that this was school and unless she took him outside to beat the crap out of him, she'd get in trouble. At this point who gave a shit?
"No. I didn't use you. I-" Jan sighed, not backing away from Courtney, which caused her to pause with uncertainty. Shouldn't he at least be a bit afraid of her? Did he not believe that she'd really do it? Was that it? Well, she'd prove him wrong! Raising a hand, she drew her shoulder back in one swift movement and flung it towards his face, feeling a tiny moment of satisfaction when her hand roughly collided with his cheek.
Instead of anger flashing across Jan's face, his eyes steadily rested on Courtney with a softness in them she had never really seen before, or never wanted to see before. Pausing, she sneered with confusion. What was his deal?
"Go ahead, Courtney. Do what you have to do."
"What are you talking about?"
"You need to blame someone else for all this, then go ahead, blame me. You need to beat someone up?" He held out his arms in a `bring it on' fashion. "I'm offering. If it makes you happy."
Frozen to where she stood, Courtney genuinely had no idea how to respond to that. What was his deal? Why would he just, let her beat him up? Was it because he knew he was an asshole, and he deserved it? If he submitted willingly, that took away the fun and the release the hits would have brought to her. But she was desperate, and she didn't know what else to do. Her body began to shake with the ferocity of her emotions, and that just confused her more. What was WRONG with her? Was she about to get her period or something? She wasn't due for another week, but, but she was so overwhelmed, so stressed, and she was on the verge of a serious overload.
She barely even noticed until it was too late that Jan had slowly lowered his arms and moved towards her, pulling her softly into a comforting embrace. No! She couldn't do this! She couldn't let someone support her, be there for her! She was there for herself and that was all she needed! But for some reason, she couldn't force herself to pull out of that embrace, especially when his hand slipped under her shirt to gently stroke the small of her back. It was so comforting, it felt so good, but no, she still wouldn't let go , even when her body was begging her, pleading with her to just release.
"It's okay." Jan said softly, holding her close to him. "Let it out. Just let it out." She couldn't take it anymore, and as much as she tried to resist, involuntary tears welled up in her eyes and sprang loose. With one choking sob, she fell against him, tears streaming down her cheeks. He rocked her back and forth slowly, but she was oblivious to it all. She saw everything flash before her eyes as they were squeezed shut. Visions of her past shot through her mind. She used to wait up for her parents as a child every night, praying they'd come home to tuck her in, they'd kiss her cheek goodnight and ask her how her day was. Her stuffed animals would be the ones to do it instead, the baby sitter always on the phone, never paying any attention to what she had been doing.
She saw her father's hand, so large compared to her own as a child, and she remembered the stinging pain of when he would slap her if she said or did the wrong thing. Alone, always alone. She had no one but herself, and now, here she was, crying her eyes out in the arms of the person who had betrayed her trust in the first place.
"I'm sorry." Jan whispered in Courtney's ear as he continued to hold her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I didn't." Courtney heard the words, but what he was saying didn't matter at this point. It was only an echo of sound, it was the tone that soothed her mind. The tone she had craved from her parents years ago, but never received. The tone that she would never openly admit to admiring, because in softness lays weakness, and in weakness lays badness. If she would have lived her life in weakness, she never would have survived.
At that thought, Courtney forced her tears to dry up. Minutes of crying, for the first time in years, were still minutes too much, and it was a horrible thing for her to do. She slowly pulled back from Jan, feverishly wiping her face, her eyes, trying to hide all evidence of the breakdown she never should have allowed herself to have.
"It's okay." Jan said to her in a reassuring manner. "I won't tell anyone."
God, he knew. He knew her hidden secrets, her insecurities she'd worked so hard to deny and push away. He knew what was inside of her.
The empty cafeteria suddenly seemed like the most claustrophobic place she'd ever been in. She could feel her heart pounding, she could hear her own breath. Quickly, she scrambled into a straighter position, her eyes darting around for her gym bag. She had to get out of here. She had to get back to safety, back to whatever place she could feel like herself again. She had to get out now.
"Courtney-" Jan started, but she refused to let him finish.
"Never. Never ever tell. If you do, I'll make you pay." Her words were sharp and defined, her eyes narrowed, not hating him, but hating herself at that moment, for showing him her weakness. At that, she clutched the handle on her gym bag and fled the cafeteria as fast as she could, refusing to look back. The last thing she ever wanted to see now would be Jan's face, having to be reminded of what he knew about her. She never should have given him that power.
Courtney sat listlessly upon her soft, pink comforter; her knees drawn up to her chest and hands folded into each other over them. She'd been sitting like this for hours, staring blankly at all the pictures on her wall. She had looked so happy that day at nationals back in February, all that hard work finally paying off and them getting rewarded for it. Why wasn't she happy now? High school was almost over and she'd be moving on to bigger and better things, and then she could really roar, make her presence and her integrity completely known to the world. Shouldn't that be enough for her?
Why had she done that earlier? Why had she cried? Those tears couldn't have been her own. Courtney didn't cry.
Her eyes rested accidentally on a picture of her and Jan, grinning widely into the camera. That was actually a cute picture of them, genuine, more of a `Kodak moment' then a pose.
Courtney tore her eyes away from it. What was she thinking? So what if he saw her weakness and didn't act like he judged her on it? What if he really did judge her because of it? What if things would never be the same between them? She liked how their games were on a casual level, nothing more than a little play.
Would Jan look at her differently now? Would the games be too weird to play? What if he had lied to her about not telling anyone that she actually cried? No one would ever take her seriously again. Her entire life that she'd work so hard to build up would be ruined.
Courtney nearly jumped off of her bed when the doorbell rang, rudely interrupting her whirlwind of thoughts. Frowning, she walked with a lack of interest towards the door. It was probably Whitney, whom she really didn't want to see right now either. She was too confused and upset to deal with her friend right now.
Peering suspiciously though the peep-hole, a delivery-type man stood outside the door. Ugh, if he was trying to sell something, he could just peddle his sorry, good will clothed poor, uneducated ass right off of her property, and she had no patience for that crap!
Flinging the door open, Courtney drew her shoulders back and tapped her foot, pausing when her eyes fell on the big vase of roses the man held out to her. Roses? What the hell?
After composing herself, she reached out to grab them. "Thanks." She said quickly, setting them down on the little table by the door.
"Sign?" The delivery man asked her, handing her a clip-board. Frowning, she scribbled her signature and shoved the clipboard back at the man, waving him away. She turned her attention towards the roses, eyeing that little note suspiciously. At this point, did she even want to know?
The piece of paper was silently taunting Courtney, and in aggravation she finally plucked it up and opened it.
For the most beautiful girl in the world
Whom I owe an apology to.
I promise I won't tell.
Courtney's lips trembled a bit, softening for a brief moment with the impact of his sweetness. Or was it sweetness? What if it was just a trick? What if he was just trying to butter her up so she didn't suspect what a real asshole he actually was?
Setting the card down, Courtney stared at the roses again. They were in fact pretty, six red and six whites, arranged almost like it was valentine's day or something. It was a sweet gesture, and no matter how hard she tried to rationalize it with suspicion, she knew that none of her mind's explanations were entirely accurate.
When Courtney awoke the next morning, she forced herself to look in the mirror, and make a solemn promise that nothing had changed, that she'd keep doing everything she had been doing before yesterday. It was just another day, it meant nothing.
Ignoring the butterflies in her stomach that refused to leave well enough alone, she arrived at the gym early for practice, to wait for Jan, like she'd done for a long time before this day. Sure enough, he came rushing into the gym, a smile across his face. Courtney tried to force that same arrogant smile upon her own face, repeating over and over again in her mind "Nothing's changed. Nothing's changed. NOTHING'S CHANGED."
Slowly walking up to Courtney, Jan tilted his head, almost sizing her up, seeing if she'd pull away. She frowned. Nothing's changed, huh? Then why was he treating her like she was fragile? That's exactly what she didn't want!
Partly out of anger and party out of a need to prove a point, Courtney suddenly rushed forward, grabbing Jan by his shirt and yanking him towards her, smothering him in a deep, seductive kiss. He thought she was weak? He thought she was squeamish? She'd prove to him that she was none of those things. She saw his eyes bulge in surprise and that only egged her on, pressing her body against him, pulling him closer to her, letting him feel all of her heat. She wanted to devour him at that moment, to blow his mind and make him feel things he'd only dreamt about. That way when he looked at her, his awe would be restored, completely erasing the memory of her weak, pathetic tears.
Even though it was obvious Jan was enjoying her advances, he slowly broke the passionate kiss, raising his eyes up to meet hers. She blinked a bit. What was he doing? Then slowly, he brought his mouth back to hers, kissing her softly, slowly, taking his time letting his tongue graze against hers.
Courtney shuddered. Of coarse the kiss felt nice, but that wasn't the point! This wasn't supposed to feel, comforting, this was supposed to feel hot and racy! No more comforting! Breaking the kiss, she pulled away, a dissatisfied pouty expression on her face. Jan remained stationary, observing her. She studied his face, but he was making an effort to try and keep it expressionless for the moment. He took one step towards Courtney and stopped.
Courtney couldn't decide weather to pounce him again or to simply flee the gym, so she did neither, just standing there with an indecisive expression. He took another step closer to her, and another, slowly bringing his arm around her back and tilting his head up to capture her lips one more time. He kissed her softly, slowly, as if sensitive to her every moment, tasting her deep. She'd never been kissed like this before, with such soft passion that it made her feel like the most important person in the world. This time, she didn't pull away.
Jan's hand slowly rose to Courtney's head, his fingers slipping gently through her platinum-blonde hair, massaging her scalp gently as the kiss slowly deepened. Instinctively she arched her back a bit, pressing herself towards him. She'd never felt this kind of warmth before, this level of intimacy that heated up her entire body, inch by inch. The fact that she wanted more of this however, scared her a bit, and she began to involuntarily shudder.
Jan slowly broke the kiss and rested his lips on her cheek for a brief moment, both hands curling underneath her arms to embrace her. He pulled her closer against him, his hands slipping up and down her back gently, soothingly, provocatively.
Courtney could feel the heat off his body, radiating against her own in a nearly unbearable passion. Shifting her thighs into him, she silently begged for some sort of normality to balance the scale of this extremely different and abnormal before-practice interlude.
Jan responded to her plea of coarse, one of his hands leaving her back and crawling in-between their bodies, tracing up the gentle curve of her inner thigh- and like a reflex Courtney's eyelids lowered over her eyes, her back arching softly, her chin tilting upwards. When it came to this part, Jan knew what she liked. His fingers slowly slipped into her, moving expertly just the way she liked it. He kissed her again as he worked, soft and slow as if tasting every bit of her mouth, relishing in its sweet taste.
Courtney cried out softly into his mouth, her entire body shaking with soft electric sparks. How did he do this to her? No one had ever done this to her on this kind of level before. She'd of coarse played around with guys before, even with this guy before, several times, but there was something different about this.
Jan's lips tantalized her skin, traveling over Courtney's chin, down her neck slowly, her collar bone, slowly back up the other side of her neck and paused by her earlobe. "Come on, baby. Just let go." He encouraged her softly, his fingers working faster. She cried out again, biting her lower lip and cringing, trying to contain her voice, after all the gym had a huge echo-factor as it was. "That's it," He encouraged again, obviously not concerned with the whole noise-factor. The more she whimpered the faster he went, daring but not uncaring. "Yeah," he said to her, moving his lips up and down her neck with small, soft kisses.
Unable to take any more of this, Courtney dug her teeth into her lower lip and almost screamed, her knees wobbling with the intensity. Jan wrapped his other arm securely around her waist, supporting her while she shuddered with bliss, his mouth still kissing all over her neck, his tongue flicking across her earlobe. "Good girl.." he whispered to her, his moments slowing down as she receded.
Wow. That was, well not even in her mind did she have another word for it but, wow. Now should be the time where he'd go to wash his hand before everyone arrived for practice, and she'd resume her arrogant, put-together persona. So, why was he still holding her? And more importantly, why was she letting him?
Putting his hand gently on the side of her head, Jan encouraged her gently to rest her head on his shoulder, and for reasons way beyond her comprehension, she submitted and rested her head, briefly closing her eyes. She knew this was wrong. She knew that she was doing exactly what she did yesterday and regretted- showing weakness, letting someone care for her, when she was so used to only caring for herself. But it felt so nice to be cared for; wanted, loved in a way she'd craved so much as a child but never attained, and she couldn't pull herself away, as much as she knew she'd hate herself for it later. Against her better judgement she remained resting upon him, nudging her head comfortably into the groove of his shoulder. She felt him gently move his head and plant a small kiss on her forehead. "I do care about you." He whispered softly. "I may be an ass at showing it, but I do."
There was so much Courtney wanted to say to him, so many thoughts that suddenly came rushing into her mind that she almost fainted with disbelief. Did she actually care about him too? Sure they had fun secret interludes here and there, and they did generally work well together on the squad, but that didn't mean anything! Or did it? Lifting her chin a bit, she planted a kiss upon his chin, then lowered her head again to rest back on his shoulder. That small move was the only way she could communicate feelings she couldn't verbally admit she had.
The gym doors open again and immediately Courtney leapt back, a completely guilty and embarrassed look upon her face. Jan cast a sad look at her, as if he was disappointed in her, or upset that she was so ashamed. But, but that was the way it was supposed to be! Their interludes, and then everything that had happened yesterday, and then the roses! And the apology! Could he not STOP screwing her over?
Her time to contemplate Jan's facial expression was quickly cut short by mindless chatter amounts the squad, chatter that fortunately had nothing to do with Jan or Courtney. Either no one noticed, or everyone already knew what was going on, and it couldn't occur to them to care.
Courtney pushed all of her confusion to the back of her mind, going through practice with her usual arrogant infatuation with temporary authority. If she was upset, she certainly wasn't showing it and she was making herself very proud of her efforts. This, right now, was what she had worked so hard for her entire life. When she yelled jump, the team yelled How High. When she was short with someone, a slight look of fear could be detected in his or her eyes. She was important. Her opinions were important, and they seeked her approval over the way they were conducting their lives. There were however the few annoying exceptions such as that horrid Missy girl that Torrence had been buddy-buddy with ever since the school year started, but she totally didn't count. Courtney was disgusted by her and had given up attempting to teach her proper societal behavior a long time ago.
Everyone went through the motions of the practice, they all knew they were extremely good but, for Courtney, cheering had lost its vigor. Probably because she was a senior, and she knew that the high school cheer competitions were over for her forever and what was the point in working hard when there was nothing left to achieve? She faltered a bit during the Lift, and as usual Jan's digits grazed her as she slipped down. Well at least some things hadn't changed.
Tossing her spanky-pants into her gym Locker, Courtney slipped on a pair of khaki shorts and searched for her tank-top, sighing heavily with the weight of thoughts in her mind. What was she going to do? Should she just blow all that off, write it off as a yesterday thing and go on with her life? Should she talk to him about it? Wait, about what? What could she possibly say to him that would make any sense or difference? Maybe she should just stay away from him from now on; no more before-practice spirit-finger fun, no more anything. No, no then others would get suspicious. Or was this even about others? Maybe she just didn't want to have the guilt on herself. Ugh! This was pathetic! Yanking on her tank-top, her face was etched with a confused and annoyed frown. A tap on the shoulder interrupted her thoughts and she whirled around, ready to snap at the person who dared disturb her from her prided solitude.
"What the hell do you want?" She sneered at Missy; the alternative-type cheer girl who acted like she was all that and a bag of chips just because she pretended like authority didn't matter. Missy pursed her lips, raising her eyes definitely level with Courtney's as if silently challenging her, or just merely making a point that she refused to be intimidated.
"Whatever's going on with you, why don't you just get over yourself, and talk to him?" Courtney blinked blankly for a minute, almost unable to believe that girl actually had the nerve to speak with her that way?
"Excuse me? What the hell do you know about it?" She spat back, narrowing her eyes in a silent warning.
"More than you think. And lemme tell you something- he Likes you! It's so obvious, and instead of playing games because you're an arrogant brat who only thinks about yourself, why don't you try caring about someone else too for once?" Courtney's jaw fell a bit. She knew this girl had a smart mouth on her, but what nerve and insensitivity she had to point the accusing finger at Courtney!
"Get away from me, or I'm going to kick your ass!" Missy only laughed a bit, raising one hand to rest on her hip, an amused sneer on her face.
"Oh really?" Courtney took a step forward, narrowing her eyes, feeling her anger boil up inside of her. Not that she was all that mad at Missy, in a way she couldn't blame the girl for having a smart mouth, it's just that her mouth would be so much more appropriate if she was more like Courtney in general. But, what was going on, was none of this bitch's business!
Missy laughed a little bit, her stance relaxing when Courtney didn't rush in when she had the chance. "Just talk to him. You'll see." She said, whirling around on her heel and heading out. Courtney stood there for a moment, a dumbfounded expression on her face. Talk to him? What could she say? "Thanks for being so great with your hands? Are you great with any other parts of your body?" Whoa, did she just think that out loud? What was Wrong with her?
Courtney flung her front door open, tossing her duffel to the ground where it would most likely remain until the next day. Of coarse no one was home- like they ever were, but sure enough those of hers glanced towards the roses. She couldn't help but walk over to them, gaze at them with a softened expression she only let come out when she was alone, or lately, with Jan, alone.
Courtney closed her eyes for a brief moment, thoughts of him filling her head. His smile, his muscular arms when they'd lift her up to the sky, and without meaning to, a genuine smile crept across her lips. Why did thoughts of him suddenly make her feel better? Why had it been so nice, just to rest her head on his shoulder?
Courtney had been letting her guard down, and as hard as she had tried to fight it, for so long, she was slowly loosing the battle. She had been so alone, for so long that she didn't know anything else. But maybe she had been wrong, maybe she could not be alone, but not loose her strength. As long as she didn't loose herself, it could happen, and it could work, couldn't it? She could still taste his lips on her, still feel his fingers inside of her, she still shook with the memory of his tenderness.
Trembling digits slowly picked up the phone, dialing a number she hoped to God she wouldn't regret dialing. After a ring and a half, someone finally picked up.
"Hello?" Jan said, making Courtney sigh with relief.
"It's me." She said, her voice quick and sharp, hiding its uncertainty and softness. She closed her eyes for a brief moment, trying to calm those butterflies that were fluttering around her stomach in a manic frenzy.
"Courtney. Hey." He responded, sounding uncertain as to why she would call him. She paused. Oh god, what was she supposed to say now?
"I, um, I just wanted to .." She trailed off, but Jan remained silent. She had to finish what she started. "I'm sorry." She finally said, without planning to. Sorry for what? She didn't even really know. Or maybe she did, and she just couldn't put it into words. "I'm sorry for, all of it. And, I'm a pain in the ass and, and I won't play games anymore. It's not fair and it's just confusing. I'm going to let you get on with your life." God, where did that come from? Most definitely fear.
"Don't hang up." Jan suddenly said, a command but a gentle one. "You don't have to be sorry. I know it's hard for you, and I get why. And it's cool."
"It's not cool." She said, her jaw trembling a bit. "It's, a total my bad. But, I don't want you to think that, um," she paused again, words not being her friend.
"I don't think anything bad about you. I never have." Courtney's jaw trembled a bit more at that, her eyes glancing once more over at those beautiful roses. She should water them, she didn't want them to die so quickly.
Whoa. She didn't want them to die. She didn't want this to die either, and unless she said something, right now, it probably would. "I need you!" She finally yelled out, probably making him jump on the other end of that phone. She took a deep breath. "You're the only one who- who .." Her eyes welled up, the second time in years, but also the second time in twenty-four hours that her she would cry. "Come over." She said, again something she wasn't planning on asking of him.
"Are you sure?" He asked cautiously, as if testing her sincerity.
"Yeah." She said before she could change her mind. "Now."
"Okay. I'll be right over." He said, hanging up the phone. She sat there for a few moments, unmoving, paralyzed with fear. The dial tone was buzzing steadily in her ear, but she didn't even notice much. What had she just done? What was she about to do? She might ruin everything she had worked so hard to achieve. But, didn't she deserve a release? Didn't she deserve to feel loved?
What seemed like impossibly soon, the doorbell rang. Oh god, she'd have to get up and answer it. She'd have to let him in. She'd have to deal with what she had done. She'd have to face her biggest fear.
A slow trembling hand reached forward, inching the door open slowly, her eyes raising up to look upon him, the one human who had ever tried to make her feel safe. She just stood there for a moment, just, looking upon him. Praying that what she saw was real. Finally she stepped aside, silently inviting him in.
Jan entered cautiously, his eyes resting upon Courtney with softness and ease, as if trying not to frighten her. "Hi." He said. She shifted her weight, closing the door.
"Hi." Her palms were sweaty, ugh, gross. She must be hideous to look at. "I, um,"
"You don't have to say anything, if you don't want to." He said to her, slowly bringing his hand up to gently rest it on her cheek. Her eyes immediately shut, welcoming the small gesture of comfort with desperation. She moved forward, wrapping he slender arms around his torso, her head snuggling into that groove between his shoulder and his neck. God it felt good just to be held in silence. His hand gently stroked her hair, his lips kissing her forehead gently. Now she finally got that saying, "Actions speak louder than words." There were no words to describe this feeling. It was everything she yearned for, and everything she feared for so long. But she couldn't give in and take it back now. No, now she was involved in this weather she wanted to be or not. It was time to grow up.
"Thanks for coming." She finally said, breaking the silence with an uncharacteristic phrase of appreciation. Jan laughed softly, still holding her close.
"I'd do anything for you." He said back. A man who said the right thing at the right time? Was she dead? Dreaming? Tilting her head up, she kept her eyes closed, parting her lips softly and waiting until she felt him kiss her. His lips closed softly upon her own, kissing her soft, slow, and she sank into the kiss, desperately fighting to just let herself go. It was like everything he was doing was for her, every stroke of his tongue, every time he tightened his embrace around her. His hand began to move between them again, but she put her palm over his and gently broke the kiss.
"No." she said softly, kissing his chin. "I want you. All of you." He blinked, staring at her with concern.
"I don't want to take advantage," He said to her softly. She kissed his chin again.
"You're not. You say you care about me? Prove it. Make me feel it. I need to feel loved. I need to feel." Gently stepping back from him, she slipped her fingers into his and turned around, gently leading him further into her house- into her bedroom. The bedroom she had cried in as a child night after night. The bedroom that held her fantasy world of talking stuffed animals that had comforted her when no one else would. The bedroom that she had found her inner-strength that was all based on a cowardly lie.
Courtney closed the door behind them gently, eyeing him with a strange inner-calm she was surprised she was even feeling. He tilted his head.
"Are you sure, you want to do this?" His hand came up to her cheek again, resting against it. She nodded.
"Yeah. I've never been more sure of anything." She took a step backwards towards her bed, playful of coarse but with a softer tone, not teasing him to come get her, merely silently asking him to follow. Carefully, slowly, he did, and she stretched her palms in back of her, scooting herself onto the bed. He stood above her, just, looking. She narrowed her eyes a bit.
"God, you're beautiful." He finally said, blinking. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." Again, he said the right thing, at the right time. Even if this was a dream, she still wanted to feel. She scooted back a bit farther, eyeing him with wide, uncertain but expectant and pleading eyes. Flashing one of his slightly arrogant but still irresistible smiles, he slowly advanced on her, his hand tracing her inner thigh again. She arched her back, leaning further down on the bed, sighing softly. His touch felt so good.
Jan slowly crawled onto the bed with Courtney; his head lowering towards his neck so his lips could graze across her skin. Her eyes fluttered shut, her skin awakening to him, for him. Her hand slowly slipped around his waist, drawing him down unto her, her fingers grazing across the skin on his back. She slowly brought her hand up, inching his shirt further against his back until he leaned up for a second, bringing his arms up to lift his shirt over his head and toss it lightly aside.
Courtney blinked for a moment, unable to help her gaze from drifting over his well-muscled abs and his strong, safe arms. She raised her upper body and brought her lips to his neck, letting them linger for a moment before kissing a path down his chest. Wow he had a nice body, so smooth and well formed, and his skin tasted so good against her mouth. Did he use Coolwater? She was Sure she could detect hints of its smell, which only turned her on more.
Jan sighed softly, his chest heaving in and out against Courtney's lips. She grinned for a moment with self-satisfaction; she must be doing something right! Suddenly she felt his hands against her midriff, slowly creeping upwards, and she leaned back a bit as her shirt slid up and off of her with grace. Immediately he began kissing around her collarbone, then lower, his hands slowly moving over her breasts. Her entire body began to tingle, his touch feeling like a million touches nearly scalding her skin but bringing it to life at the same time.
Courtney arched her back softly against the bed and Jan's hands slowly slipped under her back, fiddling with her clasp until it finally sprang loose, her bra slipping away from her skin. Her breath caught in her throat for a moment, his fingers slowly, tenderly moving over her, as if testing her, making sure it was all right. She smiled softly at him, crying out a bit as his lips neared hers again capturing them in a soft, tender kiss. She leaned up into his hands, not really sure what she was doing but whatever it was, it felt beyond amazing.
Courtney gasped in surprise as Jan laid against her, feeling something pressing against her hip. Jan immediately blushed. "Sorry .." He muttered, laughing a bit.
"It's okay .." she assured him, resting her inner thigh against his leg and kissing his chin. She couldn't help it; his chin was just so cute! Her skin was hot, like she was standing outside and it was a hundred degrees or something. But she was ready, she was beyond ready. She whimpered softly, pressing her body against his, begging to feel everything she could.
Clumsily, Jan lowers his hand fumbling with the zipper on his pants, finally managing the slide them down his legs while running a gentle tongue over Courtney's chest. She cried out softly again, a genuine grin of ecstasy spread across her mouth. He managed to toss his pants and boxers over the side of the bed, his tantalizing kisses slowly moving downwards, grazing over the gentle slope of her tummy, his tongue teasing her belly-button.
Jan's fingers slowly slipped underneath Courtney's panties, drawling her last pieces of clothing slowly down her legs, as if relishing every moment with his eyes over what they revealed. She shifted her weight self-consciously, her eyes scanning him with a bit of fear, needing reassurance, wanting to feel beautiful. He raised himself over her again, planting small kisses all around her neck, swinging his knee over her leg. He paused. "Are you sure you want to do this?" He whispered softly. Her eyes widening, that question rang in her mind only briefly before she knew the answer, in her heart.
"Yes."
"Courtney?" He paused, looking deep into her eyes, begging her silently not to look away. "I- I love you." Courtney paused, her voice caught in her throat, a small tear forming and sliding out of the corner of her eye. God ..god was it true? Did he really love her? Was this all happening for real?
As if he could hear her pleas and concerns, Jan leaned forward and gently kissed away that small tear on the side of her eye. "If you'll let me, I'll always kiss away your tears." Slowly he adjusted himself over her, his lips lingering less than an inch from her own as he slowly slid into her. She gasped a bit, and he paused. "You okay?" She breathed in deep, and slowly nodded. It hurt a little, but that was normal. And it also felt unbelievable.
Courtney wrapped her arms tightly around Jan, holding him tightly to her as he slowly moved in and out. She cried out softly, this feeling was more amazing then she ever could have imagined. It wasn't just about sex, or about lust, it was like she could feel him caring for her, with every movement. She wanted to cry, half of her scared shitless that when the sex was over so would be the love, but she couldn't pull away now, she had gone this far and she had to finish it.
Courtney's legs wrapped around him, her heels resting on the backs of his calves. His lips and tongue flicked over her skin, his hands brushed across her chest, his eyes looking down upon her saying "I love you" over and over again. She couldn't take this anymore, and finally she had to let go, literally screaming out as her entire body hurled into convulsions, a million fireworks inside of her going off all at once. She felt Jan tremble inside of her and against her, also crying out. She gripped him tightly to her, her nails raking up his back.
Slowly, the intensity of the moment began to recede, and slowly Jan pulled out of her and rolled to his side. Immediately she turned towards him, nestling her head into that special spot on his shoulder and closing her eyes. It was her turn now, her turn to say what she had felt that entire time.
"I love you too." She whispered the words so difficult to say, and yet filled with a truth she was overwhelmed with. Jan tilted his head downward to look at her with a bit of surprise, planting a small kiss on her forehead. She had said it. She had acted it out. And for once, this wasn't a front she put on, or a duty she was performing. This was natural. This was real. This was exactly what it was supposed to be.
The next day, Courtney waited impatiently before cheer practice for Jan to arrive, as usual, only now for a different reason. She felt incomplete now, alone, as she waited, picking at her nails, twirling her hair, kicking the ground softly with her shoe. She heard the gym door open and her eyes immediately shot up, falling upon Jan, an ecstatic smile of relief and happiness tossed across her face.
Walking briskly up towards her, Jan wrapped his arms around her in a comforting hug, planting a kiss upon her lips. The gym door opened a moment later as the rest of the squad hurried in for practice, and Jan pulled back slightly, looking at Courtney with concern. For the slightest moment she wanted to push him away, but instead she pulled him closer and kissed him again. Everyone stopped in their tracks, a surprised look on their faces, and Courtney just laughed, eyeing Jan with a knowing and confident grin.
Someone was watching him at the game. Someone was watching HER man. The only one that cared about her! The only one that made her feel loved! "GET YOUR EYES OFF OF MY BOYFRIEND!" She yelled without thinking, her hands on her hips, ready to kick this chick's ass.
Yeah Courtney may have changed, but still. No one had ever better defy her or cross her path. Especially when it came to Jan.