AUTHOR: Goddess Isa
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com
SUMMARY: After Giles dies, Buffy has guilt over what she never said
SPOILER: Homecoming, I guess. Faith isn't evil, Buffy and Angel & Cordy and Xander and Giles and Joyce are together
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) http://planetslaythis.homestead.com
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P
RATING: TV-14
DISCLAIMER: Sunnydale = Joss. Joss = cool. WB = assholes.
I don't think Buffy has processed any of this yet. None of us really have.
How can we?
Our leader, our surrogate father, is gone.
Giles always made sire we stayed together. Always checked in with all of us, made sure we remained a team no matter where we were. He was the one who told us when Oz had been killed, when he himself had had to stake Cordelia to save Joyce's life. He was our backbone.
I'll never tell anyone, but at first I resented him and Xander for wanting to stay in Sunnydale. Moving our family back here was the last thing on my list, and frankly I didn't want to raise my daughter on the Hellmouth. We'd been plenty happy in Phoenix. I was doing well in my residency, Xander loved his job as a middle school counselor and Kayla adored everything about the house we lived in. Of course, two year olds don't adore much besides their mommies and their daddies and their toys, but Kayla did. She used to climb up and down the stairs as she played with her toys and had all sorts of Barbie playsets set up on each of the split levels. I think she missed all that when we first moved here. Of course, now our dining room has shelves and boxes and tables full of the Pink Queen, and we've adjusted. I love Xander and I'm happy wherever he's happy. And there are nights when I shudder to think what would've happened if we hadn't moved back.
We would've missed our last year with Giles.
Xander said he knew when he asked us to move back home, to help out with the Slaying again. He said it had nothing to do with the Hellmouth, he just wanted us to be together again. I wasn't so sure. I'm still not. Whether Giles knew or not, I still didn't. I never dreamed it would be it.
We all knew something was up after Christmas and Hanukkah passed. We'd gone over to Buffy's mom's for New Year's and Giles went up to bed around ten p.m. Even Buffy said he never went to bed early. Joyce simply ruled it off as tiredness, but we knew better. A week later, he was having chemo, but they knew it wouldn't work.
He knew it wouldn't.
Buffy was in denial the entire time. She still is, I know it. The funeral is in an hour and we're sitting at his desk in the library. It's the same as its always been, old, brown, tattered. It has "Giles" written all over it. I bet Buffy'll take it and put it somewhere in the mansion. It doesn't go with decor in the there and she knows it but that won't matter. I think she'll do it to have a piece of him with her.
We've buried friends over the years. Jenny, Cordelia, Anya. But this is different.
Giles was family.
He was a dad to all of us, and when we needed him, there he was.
"Buffy," I gently touch her shoulder. "It's time to go."
She doesn't say anything but leans down and kisses the desk before we get up and leave. Xander has the limo waiting outside and we get in. We're all together, Buffy, Joyce, Xander, Angel, Oz, Faith and me. We purposely had the funeral at night so Angel could come. He said he wanted to be there and I think he also knew Buffy and Joyce would need him to be there. Christopher, Joyce and Giles's son, sat silently up front with the limo driver. Maybe it was better that he be up there instead of back here with everyone sobering or just plain freaking out.
Joyce said Giles never wanted a huge church funeral or anything, just a blessing at his gravesite and flowers thrown by his friends and family. I know Xander called Ethan Rayne, God knows why, but he was detained on "business", the idea of what his business might be terrifies me, just so you know, and he said he couldn't make it. Xander said he actually sounded sad. I supposed I would've liked hearing that. I'll be sure to tell Buffy when she's coherent enough to process it.
A minister came and said a few prayers and Angel read from a poem he said Giles liked. Buffy disappeared and when she returned, music was blasting out of the limo.
//Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door
I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defense
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts
So Don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be O.K.
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye\\
Buffy was gone when the song finished.
*****
"I found her," Angel said quietly.
I left Kayla alone with Xander and her collection of Barbie bedtime stories and walked into the hallway with the cordless. "How is she? Where is she?"
"At the library. That's where I figured she'd be. I didn't really look for her until just now. I figured she needed the time."
"She probably did. Thanks for letting me know she's all right."
"I wouldn't say that, but she's breathing, that's a good sign. I'll call you in the morning."
"'Night Angel." I hung up and returned to the bedroom. After two stories, Kayla was snoring. We shut the door to her room and once we were in our own bed, I sighed.
"What?"
"I just...I have to talk to Buffy."
"It's late."
"And I have to be to work at six, I know, but I've got to go talk to her."
"I understand. Want me to drive you?"
"No, I'll be fine."
"Will?"
"Hmm?" I threw a sweatshirt over my pjs and grabbed my car keys.
"She doesn't know he knows, does she?"
"That's why I'm going to see her," I replied.
*****
Angel was pacing outside the library when I got there.
"Willow. What's up?"
"I need to talk to Buffy. Why aren't you in there with her?"
"She's packing up his books and she said she wants to be alone."
"Well, she's gonna have to deal with it, because I'm going in." Angel shot me an encouraging smile and I entered, immediately recognizing the soft music playing. I entered Giles' office and found half the books were already in boxes on the floor. Jordan Hill's 'Remember Me This Way' was playing and Buffy's eyes were red and puffy.
"I need to finish this Angel. Go home."
"It's not Angel."
Buffy dropped the book she was holding. "Willow. What are you--"
"Giles knew you loved him Buffy."
She looked to the floor but didn't say anything.
"He knew how much you cared for him. He knew you felt he was more of a father to you than your own father ever was. He felt the same way about you."
"I don't think I ever told him Will," she said through tears. "I never told him I loved him."
"He knows," I told her repeatedly. She needed to hear it over and over I think, to make it register. Finally, she stopped crying and looked up at me.
"I don't know how to live without him. I don't know what my mom'll do, what Christopher, what any of us will."
"Neither do I," I admitted.
She started to cry again and I joined her, releasing everything that had been pent up for so long.
"Willow?" she said after awhile. Her voice was weak, I'd never heard or seen her this way before. It was almost scary to see her so fragile, so un-Buffy-like.
"Are we going to get through this?"
"I hope so," I didn't want to lie, and I didn't know the truth, so I told her the obvious. I hoped so.