Happy season premiere day, everyone! :)
This story takes place in the present time but has nothing to do with the premiere - I wanted to write about Amanda providing Olivia with some comfort to help Liv deal with the stresses of being a single parent and the lieutenant of SVU, as well as taking their first steps into a romantic relationship together. My stories are usually the other way around, with Liv comforting Amanda, so I wanted to switch things up a bit.
Kim does not live with Amanda, Jesse, and Frannie in this story.
This will start out with a "T" rating but might switch to an "M" in future chapters.
I'm partway through chapter 6 of "Hidden Scars" and hoping to have it posted sometime this weekend. :)
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The noise level in Amanda Rollins' apartment is deafening and threatening to drive her insane; the screeching of overtired children, the barking of her dog, the blaring of the television, and the sound of her lieutenant's phone, which has been going off at regular intervals since they had arrived, even though they are done work for the weekend and had just wrapped up their latest case before leaving the precinct at the end of the day.
She sighs inwardly as Olivia Benson glances distractedly at the device in her hand, watching the older woman roll her eyes and mutter something unintelligible under her breath while at the same time gently prying a toy out of Noah's hand that he had yanked away from Jesse's grasp. Her boss returns the stolen doll to the incensed toddler, who is wailing dramatically at the top of her lungs, giant tears of betrayal rolling down flushed, chubby cheeks as she glares at the little boy who is simultaneously her best friend and worst enemy, Amanda finding herself struck by how much their children resemble siblings after all the time they have spent together.
She attempts to soothe her daughter by running a tender hand through unruly blonde curls that she had tied up into haphazard pigtails that morning just before their usual rush out the door, stifling a laugh as all seems to be forgiven between Jesse and Noah only a few seconds later, the two of them sharing a sloppy hug and some giggles as Frannie prances around the living room and takes turns bathing everyone's faces with a long pink tongue. A quick glance over at Olivia confirms that the other woman is still engrossed in whatever is taking place on her phone screen, the lieutenant frowning down in irritation at the device clutched in her fist, and Amanda reaches over to lay a soft hand on the brunette's shoulder, asking quietly if everything is okay and arching a skeptical eyebrow when Olivia mutters that everything is fine.
Amanda gives the taller woman's shoulder a gentle squeeze before reminding Olivia that it is now the weekend and they are free to relax, the brunette turning her irritated frown in Amanda's direction and then giving her a brief smile, reluctantly agreeing with her and placing the phone down on the coffee table with a soft sigh. Amanda leaves her hand where it is for a moment, feeling the tense muscles bunching beneath her palm and digging her fingertips into the rich fabric of the older woman's blouse as she lets the digits move in a circular motion, massaging briefly and worried about the amount of stress that Olivia is currently exhibiting, her boss free to show her true emotions now that they are alone and not cooped up in the squad room with the rest of the team.
She feels a tendril of warmth unfurl inside her chest when the other woman steps closer and her eyelids drift closed while Amanda continues her gentle ministrations, a small part of her quite content and privileged whenever Olivia allows herself to be taken care of and coddled somewhat, aware that this is a very rare occurrence and her superior does not let her guard down in front of anyone else, even though another part of her hates to see Olivia so stressed and unhappy.
It hasn't always been like this between the two of them, the way they interact with an ease that seems so normal and natural, each one as comfortable in the other's home like it is their own and that is where they belong; things getting off to a very rocky start when Amanda had transferred from Atlanta six years prior and only getting worse as they had hit one bump in the road after another. It wasn't until Jesse was born almost two years ago that their relationship had slowly begun to change; two single mothers bonding over the joys and fears of raising children by themselves, Amanda finding herself looking to Olivia for advice when she felt totally lost and terrified with a newborn daughter to take care of and absolutely no experience with children other than babysitting her younger sister once in awhile when they had been growing up, and Olivia surprisingly ready and willing to give her subordinate all the support that she possibly could.
Amanda and Olivia are now almost inseparable outside of the job; their relationship gradually evolving from that of co-workers who could barely tolerate the sight of each other, to acquaintances who had begun to share bits and pieces of their lives from time to time, to best friends who hide nothing from each other and readily seeking one another out for playdates with their children and evenings curled up on the couch with glasses of wine and takeout food and romantic comedies; dinners out at kid-friendly restaurants and lazy Saturday afternoons spent at the beach during the heat of the summer months. Amanda cherishes this friendship that she shares with Olivia above all else in her life, aside from her daughter; something that she had been craving since before moving to New York, elated that they have been able to see through their differences and now look out for one another, the only two women in the Special Victims Unit sticking together like glue. She privately admits that Noah has become like a son to her and a big brother to Jesse after all this time spent getting to know each other and fitting so seamlessly into one another's lives like this is where they are meant to be, and acting as a family unit the majority of the time; two mothers, two children, and their dog.
There is the lingering awareness in the back of Amanda's mind that the two of them are continuously toeing the line as they grow closer and closer and the next natural step is one that she finds herself thinking of more often than not; her thoughts drifting frequently in a direction that is decidedly less of the friendship variety and leaning more towards the romantic, wondering what it would be like if they ended up becoming a family in every sense of the word. As she watches Olivia settling herself wearily onto the couch, taking a long swig from the bottle of beer she has just cracked open and pulling a checkered blanket around her body, that ever-growing need for them to take things further is thrumming insistently just below the surface, desperate to provide the older woman with everything she deserves and has thus far been lacking in her life; comfort and security and someone to hold her when things are rough, someone who will supply a distraction and an outlet from the harsh realities of the world, as well as anything else that she could ever want.
Amanda sits down on the cushions beside Olivia and ducks beneath the same blanket so that the soft material is spread across both of their laps, shifting close enough that the right side of her body is pressing lightly into the brunette's left, her shoulder and the outside of her thigh brushing against Olivia's. Her superior glances over at her with tired dark eyes that are threatening to droop shut under the weight of utter stress and exhaustion, giving her a fatigued smile and letting her head drift down to rest upon Amanda's shoulder.
Her heart gives a quick leap in response to their close proximity and Olivia's apparent desire to be soothed, taking a chance and easing an arm around the other woman's shoulders. "How are you doing there, Liv?" Amanda asks with quiet concern, glad that the kids and Frannie have all calmed down and are playing contentedly with each other on the floor in front of the TV, laboriously putting puzzle pieces together with tiny hands and chubby fingers, the dog sprawled out lazily between them with her furry tail thumping rhythmically against the tiles.
"I'm okay," Olivia murmurs in reply, but her tone is a somewhat broken version of the usual strength and confidence that Amanda is very familiar with hearing, her stomach doing a slow somersault as the brunette nestles her face further into her neck. "It's just been a long week."
"I'm worried about you," Amanda admits softly, raising her other arm to comb gentle fingers through the thick dark tresses that are spilling down across her chest as Olivia leans more heavily against her, not used to seeing her boss so readily seeking out this form of comfort. "You've been so stressed out lately, Liv. Is there anything I can do for you? Anything you need help with?"
"Just being here with you and Jesse is helping," Olivia answers with a quiet assurance, Amanda noticing that she is inclining her head to give her better access to her hair, and she smiles inwardly as she continues to run her fingers through the silky strands, glad that she is able to do something to help her lieutenant unwind from such a busy week and privileged to see the more vulnerable side to her tough-as-nails superior.
"Well, I'm glad we can help," she says sincerely, wincing when Jesse and Noah let out simultaneous ear-splitting shrieks and wondering if they had planned it that way to drive their mothers crazy, Olivia groaning softly in response and making a move to get up off the couch.
"No, just stay there," Amanda commands in a quiet but stern tone, placing a hand on the older woman's thigh and trying to keep her from rising to her feet. "Just relax, alright? I've got this. I think the munchkins are really overtired from such a busy week. Why don't I tuck them into Jesse's bed and Noah can have a little snooze until you guys are ready to go home?" She privately admits that she hopes they won't leave until morning; wanting their little get together to turn into a sleepover, as they sometimes have a habit of doing.
The fact that Olivia so readily agrees with Amanda putting the kids to bed herself and doesn't put up a fight about needing to accompany them into Jesse's room to lend a hand, tells her just how worn out her boss truly is. She gives Olivia's leg a gentle squeeze before rounding up two very cranky kids and one extremely hyperactive dog, Frannie seeming to realize that everyone is settling in for the night and finding this unacceptable as she tries to prevent that from happening.
It takes her much longer than she had anticipated it would to tuck the squirming, giggling children into Jesse's tiny toddler bed, Frannie apparently deciding that it would be a good time to leap up onto the mattress and start jumping around, Noah and Jesse both squealing in delight at the dog's silly antics and Amanda trying to no avail to get everyone calmed down. When the kids are finally snuggled up together under the covers after many stories and cups of water and Frannie has curled up into a furry ball on the carpet next to the bed, she is able to creep stealthily from the room on tiptoes, hoping that everyone will stay quiet for the evening so that she can continue trying to provide Olivia with some much-needed relaxation and stress relief.
When Amanda returns to the living room, her heart breaks at the unexpected sight before her; the lieutenant's tired body wrapped up in the blanket while pressing her face hard into the cushions of the couch and clutching a pillow tightly to her chest, shoulders quivering with pent-up emotion that seemingly needs to be released and a sheen of tears visible in her large dark eyes when she turns her head.
"Hey, hey, what's the matter, Liv?" Amanda asks in concern, rushing over to sit back down beside the older woman and placing a tender hand against Olivia's cheek. "Talk to me, honey."
"I'm sorry," the brunette sniffles quietly, swiping quickly at both eyes with her fingertips and looking away with what appears to be shame. "I didn't mean to break down like this. It's just been a really hard week and I haven't been getting any sleep. Noah's going through a stage right now; throwing constant temper tantrums and not listening to anything I say, and things at the precinct are crazy. Just a lot of bullshit going on," she adds hastily when Amanda tilts her head to the side in curiosity.
"I'm sorry," Olivia repeats in a somewhat choked tone of voice, as Amanda leans over to wipe a stray tear away with the pad of her thumb. "I didn't mean to come over here and start crying on your couch while you take care of my son. Maybe we should just get going-"
"You're not going anywhere," Amanda interrupts firmly, taking Olivia's hand into her own and interlacing their fingers before giving a gentle tug to urge the other woman to her feet. "Except to my bed to lie down and get some rest. And you have nothing to be sorry for, Liv. You've got a lot on your plate right now and it's perfectly normal not to be fine all the time. Let me take care of you, okay?"
There is a moment of silence that stretches out between them while Olivia seems to contemplate Amanda's suggestion and how she wants to respond, before giving an almost imperceptible nod of her head. Amanda smiles slightly in relief, that worry still coursing steadily through her system as she guides Olivia into the bedroom with the intention of tucking her under the covers like she had just tucked the kids in, and leaving her alone to get some much-needed rest. She is torn between wanting to curl up beneath the blankets next to her boss and retreating back out to the living room so as not to invade her personal space, even though they are in her own bedroom.
Olivia solves that dilemma for her right away, the older woman's whispered voice asking hesitantly if she will stay with her and Amanda's heart clenching in her chest at the low note of shame that is still evident in the brunette's voice, assuring Olivia that she will be more than happy to stay. She can practically feel the waves of stress and discontent that are rolling off of her superior's body like a waterfall, taking in the tense way that Olivia seems to be holding herself as she gets settled onto the bed beside her, and all Amanda wants to do is help reduce her stress in any way that she possibly can.
"What can I do for you, Liv?" she asks softly, her hand unconsciously resting upon the brunette's shoulder again as her fingers dig into the stiff muscles that are knotted so tightly beneath her touch, a pink blush dotting her cheeks with bright spots of color as an idea suddenly springs to mind. "Do you want a massage?"
Amanda swallows hard when Olivia's eyes immediately darken at the suggestion, fearful that she has gone a step too far in her attempts to get the other woman to relax and unwind and that Olivia is going to snap at her in response, those blossoming feelings rising to the surface once more and determined to make themselves known. She is stunned when instead of being met with the lieutenant's immediate anger or dismissal of her suggestion, or being told outright that her proposal is extremely inappropriate, Amanda is greeted by Olivia's softly murmured assent of the situation and the brunette sliding her dark blue blazer down over her shoulders, leaving her in a silky white tank top and showing off bare arms that are both tanned and toned.
She has to physically stop herself from licking her lips in appreciation as she shifts over on the sheets and gets settled somewhat hesitantly behind Olivia, feeling a certain shyness creeping into her movements even though the massage had been her idea. Amanda gently sweeps aside a thick curtain of dark brown hair that Olivia has been letting grow longer lately, securing the soft tresses over one of the taller woman's shoulders before raising her hands to rest lightly against Olivia's back. She leaves them like that for a moment, her palms laying unmoving on the warm material of her shirt and feeling the heat from her superior's body through the thin layer of the blouse, and then slowly trailing her fingers in ever-widening circles across the expanse of Olivia's back, hearing the brunette sigh in pleasure.
Amanda's lips quirk up into a small smile of satisfaction as she watches Olivia leisurely roll her shoulders and settle more comfortably into the mattress, the older woman obviously enjoying the care that Amanda is providing her with, and she digs her thumbs more sharply into the taut muscles she can feel bunched up beneath her hands, her mouth growing dry when Olivia lets out a soft moan of bliss in response.
"Oh god, Amanda, that feels so good," the lieutenant replies in a breathy tone that she is quite sure wasn't intended to be spoken that way, but sends shivers down her spine all the same.
"Well, I'm glad," Amanda murmurs in a strained voice, the next words tumbling out of her mouth before she can stop them and inwardly cringing in response. "I want to make you feel good, Liv."
Olivia throws a quick glance over her shoulder at her, the older woman's expression unreadable, before turning back around once again, her voice so low that Amanda has to strain to hear it. "You do make me feel good, Amanda. Better than anyone else has ever made me feel."
Her hands slide to complete halt against Olivia's back, going entirely still for a moment while she digests this new and surprising information and begins mulling it over in her mind, wondering what exactly it could mean; if Olivia is referring to what they share together as friends and with the kids, the family fun and domesticity that their routines have taken on outside of work, or if she is hinting at something more, that she could possibly be feeling the same thing that Amanda does and has also been wanting to take the next tentative step in their relationship.
The thought that Olivia might not actually share these deeper feelings and that Amanda is alone in thinking this way, fills her with the same stress and discontentment that she is working so hard to obliterate for Olivia; wanting to keep things light and relaxed so that her boss' worries begin melting away and she is able to enjoy a serene weekend away from the chaos and darkness of the precinct. Amanda doesn't even want to contemplate how devastated she would be if Olivia didn't feel the same way about her and resolves to put this line of thinking entirely out of her mind and concentrate solely on the other woman's comfort, her hands beginning to move slowly across the back of the brunette's shirt again and drawing in a quick breath of air when her fingers graze against the warm, bare skin of Olivia's hip, her superior's blouse riding up slightly on one side.
Instead of snatching her palm away and apologizing for the invasion of privacy, Amanda finds that her hand seems to be glued right into place, her fingers continuing to trace the lightest of circles across soft, exposed flesh that has become pebbled with goosebumps, her heart stuttering to a complete stop inside her chest at Olivia's next words.
"Do you mind if I take my shirt off?"