AN: I started this story a couple of years ago, but only just recently got so far with it that I thought there is actually a chance that I'll finish it soon enough. While it does deal slightly with the topic of death, it doesn't do this in any vulgar or explicit way. It revolves more about how survivors deal with the death of a loved one. It is a sensitive subject though, so I rated it T to be on the safe side. Please let me know what you think of it. Constructive criticism will be much appreciated.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Everything you might recognise belongs to JK Rowling and various publishers.
Chapter One.
Hermione wrapped the fluffy bathrobe around herself and tiptoed silently through the hallway and down into the kitchen. 12 Grimmauld Place was silent and dark, everyone was asleep and she didn't want to wake them. She opened the door to the garden, careful not to make a sound, and walked out. She was greeted by cold and complete darkness. It was late December and freezing, and the light from the street lamps at the other side of the house was kept from the garden by the magical wards surrounding the house. Hermione sat down on the cold terrace floor and looked up into the sky. The stars sparkled down at her and a thin slice of moon could be seen; it was a new moon, apparently.
A tear travelled down her cheek and she sniffed and brushed it away roughly, only to have many more falling. She knew she ought to be happy, now that the war had ended, but she just couldn't. They had defeated Voldemort just two days before, but Hermione just couldn't find any joy within her. She had lost her dad the day before the "final battle" as people liked to call it, and since then she had acted on autopilot. She had acted strong in front of everyone and done what was expected of her, but inside she was breaking. She didn't like to be alone anymore, because when she was she couldn't keep up her facade, she couldn't fool herself, and when she lay in her bed, in the dark all alone she would often cry herself to sleep, and sometimes, like tonight, she would come out here, so she was sure she didn't disturb anyone.
She missed her dad terribly, the two of them had always been very close, and they understood each other like few. They had the same interests, and used to do so many things together, and he was the one Hermione would always confide in if she had any problems. He was the one she had talked to about the on-going war in the wizarding world, he had worried about her, but he trusted her enough to let her stay and help out all she could, and he had been proud of her when she told him about all that happened. A small sob escaped her as she remembered her dad's proud face and realised she would never see it again, they would never laugh together over some lame joke, they would never sit down and research some project one of them had stumbled across and found interesting, he would never ask about how her day had been again, and Hermione missed it all terribly. They had so much in common and she had so many great memories of all they had done together. And she couldn't bear the thought of not gaining any more.
And what more was, she was alone. The Death Eaters had attacked her parents' house the day before the final battle, but had only managed to kill her dad. Her mom had survived, but she had been hurt, and Dumbledore had made sure she had been removed to a safe wizard's hospital in the USA immediately after the attack, and while she was much better now, they wouldn't let her go back to England because there were still free Death Eaters out there who might try and hurt her, and the wouldn't let Hermione visit her, because Death Eaters might be able to track down her magic. And to top it all, it was Christmas in just a few days.
Hermione drew in a shaky breath. She had no idea how long she had been sitting out in the garden, and she didn't care. It had begun to snow lightly, and she knew she was likely to catch a foul cold if she stayed out there much longer, wearing almost nothing, but right at this point she just hoped it would take her mind off all the pain, loss and emptiness she was feeling.
"Hermione?" she heard a soft baritone behind her, "What are you doing out here?" Hermione turned around to look at Remus Lupin who leaned casually against the doorframe, and frantically tried to wipe her eyes.
"That's none of your business!" she snapped. But instead of leaving Remus came and sat down beside her.
"Please tell me what's wrong Hermione, I just want to help you," he said.
"I already told you nothing is wrong!" Hermione said sternly and turned away from him, while she frantically tried keeping any more tears from falling.
"Hermione there's no need to try and build up your facade in front of me again, it's already broken, and I can see through it," Remus sounded serious, "There's obviously something wrong, you're sitting on the terrace in minus 10 degrees only wearing a bathrobe; that's not the Hermione I know. Please talk to me, tell me what's wrong, you need it." Hermione remained silent, and Remus sighed and put his arm around her comfortingly.
"It's your dad, isn't it?" He asked, and Hermione just nodded. She drew in a shaky breath and then she broke down completely.
"I just miss him so much," she cried and buried her head in his shoulder. Remus held her closer while she cried and stroked her back. When she calmed down Remus looked at her seriously.
"Come on, let's go inside, you're going to catch your death of a cold if we stay out here. I'll make us a cup of tea and then we'll talk everything through," he spoke softly and Hermione smiled at him through her tears and stood up slowly.
The two of them sat down in the soft sofa in the library with each their cup of steaming hot tea and Hermione sighed, then grew completely silent again. Remus just looked at her and they sat in silence for a while.
"How are you feeling Hermione?" Remus asked after a moment.
"I miss him... so much" she sighed, "I can't really believe he's not here anymore, that I'm never going to see him again... I don't want to believe it I suppose..."
"Of course you don't," Remus said, "You love him very much, don't you?"
"Yeah... Sometimes it's hard to understand how people can have a relationship as close as ours... We knew each other very well... I don't think I've ever been in a situation where I couldn't tell exactly what my dad would do, and vice versa, I'm sure... It sounds odd, but we had some kind of special connection... We were very much alike too..."
"In what ways?" Remus asked, sounding interested.
"Well, personality wise... mostly. We had the same interests and very often we'd deal with tough situations quite similarly... We both had a way of analysing the problems and finding more than one solution before trying to solve it... We were both quite rational... And now it's as if I can't think that rationally anymore... It's annoying..."
"It's not that you can't anymore Hermione," Remus said, "I just don't think you've had the cool overview you usually have for these past few days, and it's quite understandable." Hermione didn't say anything.
"Hermione why haven't you talked to anyone yet?" Remus asked. Hermione sighed.
"You know I've always been the rational one... A rock for all the others. Whenever Harry and Ron, or anyone else found it hard to deal with things they would lean on me, because I was strong, I could deal with it. How do you think they would react if I broke down in front of them?" Now it was Remus' turn to remain silent. He knew Hermione was right, a lot of people would not be able to deal with her breaking down, but in the other hand he didn't think she should let that ruin herself.
"Well... You obviously still know how to be rational... There's gone a lot of thinking into that decision... But I'm not sure you've chosen the right solution this time. You're possibly right that some people wouldn't be able handle a breakdown from you very well, but when you're not talking about it and ball it all up inside you destroy yourself instead. It's much worse when you're alone with it," he said after a while.
"I know... It's just... I don't... I don't dare do anything that might upset anyone, because I couldn't... I couldn't possibly bear to lose anymore people I care about," Hermione cried silently and she bit her lip trying to hold it back. Remus placed his arm around her and she once again buried her head in his shoulder. Remus let her sit liked that until she calmed down and fell asleep. He gently lifted her small body off the couch and carried her into her room. As he stood to leave Hermione opened her eyes slightly.
"Please stay," she whispered. Remus sat down on her bed and leaned against the bedpost and let Hermione lean against him. They sat like that for a while until they both dosed off to sleep.