Skit #1
Who Plays Phantom
Lovingly ripped off of "Who's on First"
Balak:Well, Sid, in a few minutes, we're going to see Phantom of the Opera for the fourth time.
Sid:That's spiffy,Balak.They wouldn't give a Playbill to me, but you have one, so you must know all the cast members.
Balak:Aye, Sid.
Sid:Tell me who they are, please.
Balak:Of course man, but these actors have borked up names.
Sid:Like those baseball players?
Balak:Yeah.Names like Joke de Kruijf.
Sid:Graham Bickley.
Balak:Or Rosemary Ashe.
Sid:And Bengt...Bengt...
Balak:Bengt Nordfors.Well, in the Playbill,it says... Who plays Phantom, What plays Christine,I Don't Know plays Raoul...
Sid:That is what I want to know.
Balak:Who plays Phantom, What plays Christine,I Don't Know plays Raoul...
Sid:Who plays Phantom?
Balak:Yes, he does.
Sid:Who plays the Phantom of the Opera?
Balak:Of course.
Sid:Who does the title role?
Balak:He sure does.No understudies.
Sid:The production is new-there are no understudies!Who plays the Opera Ghost?
Balak:Yes.
Sid:Who is playing Erik?
Balak:Who is.
Sid:Who?
Balak:That's the man's name.
Sid:That's who's name?
Balak:Yes.
Sid:Then tell me before something falls on us!
Balak:That's it.
Sid:Who?
Balak:That's his name. PAUSE
Sid:Alright, is there a guy playing the Phantom?
Balak:Who plays Phantom.
Sid:When you placed cameras in the back of the theatre, who's name is called to the stage?
Balak:Yes, and the rest of the cast.
Sid:Cut the bloatware and back up, I want to know the name of the Phantom guy.
Balak:Who.
Sid:The guy called-
Balak:Aye.
Sid:Who is called to the stage right after the "Think of Me" and "Little Lotte" bits...
Balak:Yes, he is.Sometimes they have to drag him out of his dressing room.
Sid:How about when your friend got his signature, how did he sign it?
Balak:Who.
Sid:The Phantom dude.
Balak:Who.
Sid:How does the guy sign it-
Balak:That's how he signs it.In the Bazooka font, too.
Sid:Who?
Balak:Yes. PAUSE
Sid:I am merely trying to find out what is the name of the guy who plays Phantom.
Balak:No, What plays Christine.
Sid:I'm not asking who plays Christine.
Balak:Who plays Phantom.
Sid:One character at a time!
Balak:Well, don't say that Phantom and Christine are in drag.
Sid:I'm not!
Balak:Calm down,Siddy.
Sid:I'm just asking, who's the guy playing Phantom?
Balak:Correct.
Sid:What's the guy playing Phantom.
Balak:She doesn't.What plays Christine.
Sid:But I'm not asking you who plays Christine.
Balak:Who plays Phantom!
Sid:I don't know.
Balak:He plays Raoul.We're not talking about him.
Sid:How the hell did I get on the subject of Raoul?
Balak:You spoke his name.
Sid:If I said the Raoul actor's name, who did I say is playing Raoul?
Balak:Nopers.Who plays Phantom.
Sid:What plays-?
Balak:What plays Christine.
Sid:I don't know.
Balak:He plays Raoul.
Sid:Gah, back on Raoul again! PAUSE
Sid:Stay on Raoul and don't change subjects.
Balak:Mmkay, what do you want to know?
Sid:Now who's playing Raoul?
Balak:Why make Who play Raoul?
Sid:What am I putting in the role of Raoul?
Balak:No, What is playing Christine.
Sid:You don't want who playing Christine?
Balak:Who plays Phantom.
Sid:I don't know.
Together:Raoul! PAUSE
Sid:Look,you know who are playing the managers?
Balak:Sure.
Sid:Then tell me who's playing Firmin.
Balak:Why.
Sid:I just thought I'd ask you.
Balak:Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Sid:Then tell me the guy who plays Firmin.
Balak:Who plays Phantom.
Sid:I'm not...stay off of the Holy Trinity!I want to know what's the guy's name playing Firmin?
Balak:No, What plays Christine.
Sid:I'm not asking you who plays Christine.
Balak:Who plays Phantom!
Sid:I don't know.
Together:Raoul! PAUSE
Sid:The Firmin man's name?
Balak:Why.
Sid:Because!
Balak:Oh, he plays Andre. PAUSE
Sid:Look, does it say the name of the actress of Madame Giry in the Playbill?
Balak:Sure.
Sid:Her name?
Balak:Tomorrow.
Sid:You don't want to tell me today?
Balak:I'm telling you now.
Sid:Go ahead.
Balak:Tomorrow!
Sid:What time?
Balak:What time what?
Sid:What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's playing Madame Giry?
Balak:Now listen.Who is not playing Madame Giry-
Sid:I'll break your arm if you say who plays Phantom!I want to know what's the Madame Giry actress's name.
Balak:What plays Christine.
Sid:I don't know.
Together:Raoul! PAUSE
Sid:A Meg in this cast?
Balak:Grabs the mask in the finale every time.
Sid:The Meg actress's name?
Balak:Today.
Sid:Today, and Tomorrow's Madame Giry.
Balak:Now you're catching on!
Sid:Ah...You know, I could follow who plays Buquet.
Balak:He's John.
Sid:A normal name, thank God.So if I follow John and sneak around, who will I see when Phantom and Christine are singing Phantom of the Opera?
Balak:Naturally.
Sid:Naturally?
Balak:Naturally.
Sid:So Phantom is played by Naturally.
Balak:No, he isn't, Phantom is played by Who.
Sid:Naturally.
Balak:That's different.
Sid:That's what I said.
Balak:You're not saying it.
Sid:Naturally plays Phantom.
Balak:He's played by Who.
Sid:Naturally.
Balak:That's it.
Sid:That's what I said.
Balak:You ask me,
Sid:Phantom's played by Who?
Balak:Naturally.
Sid:AH!Phantom's played by a guy named Who?
Balak:Correct.
Sid:Did you RTFP?
Balak:I read the fucking Playbill.
Sid:Did you meet the cast?
Balak:Yeah, I remember their eyes popping out.
Sid:Hah.You could play Christine.
Balak:Yeah, but You plays Carlotta.
Sid:I don't crossdress.
Balak:Never said you did.You dresses in dresses for the role.
Sid:You just that I crossdress.
Balak:I mean You goes in costume as Carlotta.
Sid:No I don't!
Balak:I know you don't, Sid.
Sid:BLAST IT ALL TO HELL!So Who plays Phantom,What plays Christine,Today plays Tomorrow's child,and Carlotta is played by You!You pushes What out of the leading role until Who helps What then What meets I don't know and Who leads her to his lair where What hears his music and unmasks Who, while Why and Because make dumb mistakes and give You a leading role until Who makes her croak, then What and I don't know unite on the roof and Who mourns and drops the chandelier then everyone attends a Masquerade where Who tracks What down, then Why and Because get Who's magnum opus, then What visits her father's grave, which Who follows her to and puts her in a trance of sorts with a pissed I don't know not that far behind and they choose to perform the magnum opus to use What to lure Who to his death then Who sneaks in on the opera's premire and kills the leading man and sings in his place a duet with What and is unmasked and he takes What to his lair and I don't know finds Tomorrow and gains access to Who's lair, then stuff happens, then What kisses Who, which makes him let both go so What and I don't know go, which leaves him alone to face the mob, but he hides-wait,I don't know the guy playing Raoul and I don't give a flying fuck anymore!(deep breath)
Balak:I Don't Give A Flying Fuck Anymore plays Piangi.
Sid:(screaming,but stops at the sound of a gavel)
Together:It's starting!
(A chandelier falls in front of the camera)
ALT
Sid:Who does the title role?
Balak:Christine does.
Director:CUT!Balak, you disgust me!
Sid:Weak-stomached director.But that was a good one, Balak.I wish they'd make the music of the night...
Balak:If only Raoul could be killed!
ALT