Title: All the King's Horses
Summary: AU, where Eric succeeds in his suicide attempt. Blaming her mother, Serena disappears, only to be forced to return years later on the tail of another tragedy. NSD, BC
Rating: T, for sensitive content (this chapter, especially)
Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl and the chapter titles come from nursery rhymes.
Prologue: Monday's Child (is Fair of Face)
September 2007
New York, New York
Serena van der Woodsen has always loved her hair. Even on its worst day, she could always count on her golden locks to pull her back from whatever dark place she'd forced herself into. It was as bright and gleaming and outspoken as she was supposed to be; and to her, that overshadowed the days it could only be tamed by a messy ponytail, and its tendency to draw overt stares from wildly inappropriate older men.
Today, for the first time in seventeen years, she wishes she'd taken after her father or her aunt or her Grandma CeCe; anyone but her mother.
She runs a brush through her blonde waves, carefully pulling them up into a sloppy ponytail. Her mother had asked—via an assistant—that she look presentable today; but even if she'd cared enough about her mother's wishes to honor them, she didn't have the energy or the willpower to manage that this morning.
As she drops the porcelain brush back onto the counter, she catches a glimpse of the invitation half-concealed under a bottle of concealer and a tube of waterproof mascara. As much as she'd like to, she can't pull her attention away from the thin lines of text dirtying the crisp cream card.
The family asks that you join them for a private gathering on Sunday, September 30th, 2011 to help them mourn this incredible loss.
There will be no funeral.
Even now, reading it for the thousandth time, Serena can feel bile rising in her throat.
There will be no funeral.
Serena assumed that she wasn't supposed to have seen the invitation that went out to all of Lily and William's "closest and dearest friends", but the assistant was new, and there were over a thousand cards to address and mail. She hadn't missed the one Serena took.
Her father told the appropriate people that Lily was simply too distraught to plan a funeral, and that the family was in no condition to mourn such a private loss so publicly.
It was a mark of the shock that still shrouded high society that no one had protested or even commented. Not that Serena had truly expected them to; they could be cruel, vapid creatures, but they were hardly monsters.
And they had no reason to argue.
They hadn't had to look at the ugly scars corrupting her baby brother's soft cream arms. They hadn't had to come to the sick realization that he'd never heal. They hadn't even had to watch as Lily, William and Serena stood alone in the cemetery and buried Eric.
Their only obligation was make an appearance at the suite sometime on Sunday and eloquently lament on how cruel fate was, and how horrible it was that Eric van der Woodsen had died of a heart attack at the tender age of fifteen.
Two weeks later.
The week after her mother married Klaus, she remembers telling a nine-year old version of Eric that she wouldn't be able to survive a single minute without him. Every time she looks at a clock, she remembers that promise and wishes that God had picked a better way to raise her expectations of herself. It's been fifteen days since she was called out of Ben's English class to meet her father in the main office of Nightly. That's over 21600 minutes, and she's never hated being wrong more.
She hasn't left the apartment since the burial, and in fact she hasn't left her bedroom since her mother allowed their suite at the Palace to play host to her twisted calling hours. But she still knows it's been over two weeks, and that her father will leave for Europe soon.
Before all of this, she hadn't seen him since she was four and she knows that had it not have happened, she may have never seen him again. He's been no more of a father than Lily's been a mother—at least she believed that true, until Lily covered up her brother's suicide with a story about an undiagnosed heart condition and intent to sue their family physician. Now, her mother's as dead to her as Eric is to the rest of the world.
She's not stupid enough to think that her father wants her, but she's smart enough to know he's too guilty to tell her "no". But that's really irrelevant, because as she looks around at the pile of never-unpacked bags littering her floor, she realizes that she never planed on asking for his permission.
Three days later.
After realizing Serena's intentions, William van der Woodsen had dedicated exactly twenty-six minutes to convincing Serena that New York was the best place for her.
New York was her home.
She had friends, family and school in the City.
Her mother needed her.
He spent another twelve explaining why she'd hate France.
She didn't speak the language.
She didn't know the people.
She'd have to start all over.
They spent three more minutes sitting in silence on the end of the bed before she looked over at her father, brown eyes brimming with tears, and overshadowed all of his excuses with a single refutation:
"She's the reason he's dead."
After that, he simply nodded, patted her awkwardly on the shoulder and said he'd postpone his departure a few days if she wanted more time to decide.
She told him he didn't need to do that and used her last two days in New York to shop and finish packing and to say goodbye.
She knows that if she'd come home under any other circumstances, things with Blair and Nate would be a mess. As it stands now though, they're okay.
When she tells Blair she's leaving, the brunette pulls her into her arms and doesn't let go until Serena mentions that she's going to Paris and expects her best friend to be en-route the day after school gets out.
Nate's upset too, and she knows him well enough to know that he thought this was their second chance, not their ending. Twisted as it is, she knows she's breaking his heart to save her own. But it means more than he'll ever know that he kept quiet and simply said he'll miss her.
Chuck wasn't there when she stopped to say goodbye, but when she left the Palace to meet her father at the airport, she found a town car courtesy of "CB" at the curb, and a full bottle of Tanqueray waiting inside. She wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, so she simply poured herself a glass, and gave the address to the driver.
She can still feel the buzz now, almost two thousand feet in the air. Aside from William, there's no one else in the first-class cabin; she strongly suspects her father bought it out. It's a much-appreciated gesture, because now she can cry without the added constriction of embarrassment threatening to suffocate her.
The tears fall freely.
She cries for Eric, for the pain he was in before and for the hole in her heart that he left.
She cries for New York and for the loss of the only home she's ever known.
She cries for Blair: new tears for yet another strain on their fragile friendship and old tears for the horrible, horrible thing she did that broke their friendship in the first place.
She cries for Nate, for a love that will forever be both her greatest regret and the closest she's ever come to happiness.
Mostly though, as sits four rows behind her father, flying over the Atlantic and cocooned in despair, she cries for herself. She cries for every mistake she's ever made, for every raw hand she's been dealt, for all of her shortcomings and all of her regrets.
By the time they touch down in Paris, she positive she doesn't have any tears left.
A/N: Let me start by saying I adore Eric; but this idea's been begging to be written for a few weeks, so I felt like I had to get it down on paper. That said, the next chapter will pick up seven years in the future. Dan, Jenny and Rufus will all be introduced later. R&R.