Not That Kind of Guy…
Whenever he was troubled, his favourite spot on the roof of one of the many empty towers of Atlantis never ceased to help him focus his thoughts, watching the glittering stars slowly wheel above him as he cast his thoughts back into the past.
"Rodney?"
I sighed. Her voice alone was enough to melt my heart. Especially when she said my name.
I wonder how she found me?
When we first arrived at Atlantis, things started at a furious pace and never really let up. I could vague remember many nights of simply working myself into a stupor in the lab, falling asleep at my desk and waking up in the morning, only to dive right back into whatever the problem-of-the-moment was.
If I was honest with myself, a lot of those first few years were blurs, half-forgotten memories buried under a haze of exhaustion.
Looking back, I can clearly see that I was on the verge of a breakdown.
It had been Sheppard, of all people, that had seen where I was heading and, if you will excuse the pun, 'herded' me onto a more beneficial path.
Stress management for dummies, he called it.
It wasn't much; just a set of things to watch out for, a tendency to snap over really, really minor things. Going over the same line of code eight times in row. Getting lost on the way to my quarters.
Little signals that tell me I need to take a break. Get away from things, even if it was only for half an hour.
I don't think I ever really thanked him for that.
Anyway, the point is, while I was searching for that new apartment with a balcony, I check out the roof of the tower and found that it had probably one of the best views of the central Tower in the city.
It was also far enough away that none of the mainstream population would populate it for another few years, at our current rate of expansion.
Ever since then, whenever I needed to take a break, I would come here.
"Jennifer." I replied softly.
I didn't turn around. I couldn't.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked just as softly.
She didn't ask why I ran out in the middle of dinner. She didn't ask what was wrong, didn't pry…she just wanted to know if she could help.
Could she be anymore perfect?
I took a deep shuddering breath. "I can't do this, Jen…I'm not…I'm can't…"
I gripped the railing tightly as I squeezed my eyes shut and wished fervently to be somewhere, anywhere else.
"Rodney. Please." Jennifer asked again, her voice a little tighter this time. Goddamn it, I was already hurting her!!
I took another deep breath. I don't know who this was going to hurt more. Me or her…
"Jennifer…god, Jennifer, I lo…you're this great, amazing person!" I cried out. "You have so much going for you!"
"Me? I'm Rodney McKay, Genius-in-a-Lamp…rub me when in danger and watch me make your problems go away!"
Jennifer looked at me, eyes showing confusion. "That's not exactly selling yourself short, Rodney?"
I shook my head bitterly. "But don't you see…that's ALL I'm good for!"
I spun away from her, breathing heavily, eyes stinging. "I'm practically useless in any other situation. I'll only hurt you, Jen. I'll say or do something stupid and that will be it…"
"It's better off if we go our separate ways now." I finished heavily. My heart ached with those words but the pain now would be nothing compared to the pain of breaking up six months down the line. I was selling it as saving her but deep down, deep where I don't admit things to myself…I knew I was saving myself.
Jennifer, as I've come to expect, saw right through me.
"I'm not going anywhere, Rodney." She stated firmly. "You said you remembered everything. Then you remember what you said to me on Day Six."
I shut my eyes again. I honestly don't know If I regret saying that or not.
She placed a soft, warm hand on mine and I shuddered.
"Forget about everything else. Put aside everything you're afraid might happen to one side, just for a moment." She placed her other hand on my chin and pulled me around to look at her.
The tear falling down her cheek almost broke my heart.
"Tell me you were wrong. Tell me you don't love me." She ordered directly. "Tell me that YOU want me to walk away. Because I have no intention of leaving no matter what possible reason you give me."
I tried to turn away but she shook me gently. "I'm not going to finish us before we really get started, Rodney. This has to be your choice."
I met her ferocious stare. "Why me, Jen? Of all the guys on Atlantis, why me? What could I possible offer you? I'm not brave…I can't kill Wraith bare-handed or shoot the nuts off a fly at fifty yards! Hell, I'm amazed I've lasted this long! I'm nearly forty years old, slightly overweight, nothing to look at and the personality of a sore skunk at the best of times."
My throat was so tight, I could barely get the words out. "Why me, Jen?"
Jennifer shook her head as she smiled through her tears. "For all your intelligence, you can be a pretty stupid guy sometimes."
"You say you're nothing to look at? I say you're wrong. Whilst you won't be on the cover of Health Magazine, you can hold you own just fine."
She slapped me on the arm hard and I yelped like a little girl. "You say you aren't brave? Dammit, Rodney, think!! Have you had any special military training like Sheppard or Ronon?"
I shook my head wordlessly.
She snorted in amusement. "So you're not trained in combat yet you throw yourself into highly dangerous situations almost weekly! If that's not the definition of brave, I don't know what is."
"I won't argue your personality traits because I've seen you when you haven't had your coffee in the mornings…but on the flip side, I've seen the other side of you. I've seen the side that took the time to help out a scared woman who had just been handed a senior position on a expedition in another Galaxy."
"I've seen how you've worked yourself nearly to death in order to save someone you consider a friend and just as hard to save complete strangers."
"I've seen you save everyone on a near continual basis, doing things no-one else in two galaxies could do and doing it with nothing expected but a pat on the back for your reward."
"I've seen Rodney McKay, I've seen the man he is and quite frankly, there's no way I couldn't love that man."
She took several steps back, putting some distance between us and I felt her absence just as keenly as if she had stepped through the Stargate.
"So we come back to my statement. Tell me you don't love me, Rodney McKay, and we'll go our separate ways."
My mouth opened and closed several times but, not for the first, nor the last, I just didn't have the words.
It would have been so much easier had she just walked away. I have the strength for that. I can understand amazing women walking away from me. I've come to expect that.
But she's still standing there, quietly demanding the right to love me.
God's…how can this hurt so much.
Is this what love is? Putting your hopes and dreams into the hands of another? Giving them the ability to destroy you with just a few well chosen words?
I sighed deeply. Jennifer looked like she would wait until the heat-death of the Universe for an answer.
"I…I can't do that, Jen." I replied softly.
She nodded, as if any other answer simply wasn't possible. She stepped forward once more, within arm's reach of me and I had to sternly command my arms not to embrace her.
"You're afraid, Rodney. That's okay. We can deal with that. Together."
She smiled that quiet smile of hers, the one that would make me reshape entire worlds if she asked it of me.
"There's only one thing you need to do right now, before we move on from here."
I nodded hesitantly and, quite obviously to her, unsurely.
"You have to say the words again."
Screw planets, her smile had widened into that pixie grin of hers that would make me reshape entire galaxies.
I felt my mouth twitch. She really was a force of nature when she got started. I suppose I never really stood a chance. I don't believe her, of course. I doubt I'll ever understand what she sees in a guy like me.
My panic from earlier has evaporated. My original fears about this entire situation though, about how much this will hurt when she finally realizes that I'm a waste of her time…they haven't gone; I suppose that's something that only time will fix.
But that's okay.
She's not going anywhere.