So I'm a brand new fan of Sons of Anarchy. And a HUGE Jax and Tara shipper. They are the reason I've been sucked into this amazing show! So a few of the twists that have happened have left me a little irritated. Some things that I felt should have been addressed weren't... (Ima, the abortion, et cetra...) so this is my own way of getting the closer that I feel like I need! LOL!

Please read and review.

Jax watched silently, unsure of what, if anything, to say. Tara had just finished clearing her odds and ends of their shared bathroom in his home, as well as their bedroom.

As she made her way down the hallway, she grabbed her hair band that had been discarded on the coffee table. At the front door, she opened the closet and pulled out her jacket. She tossed one look over her shoulder at him, and he knew her heart was breaking just as much as his.

He wanted to run after her. To stop her. But he was frozen in place. The fear he felt was second only to the fear he'd kept hidden when he believed his premature son was going to die...but even then, he had know that the woman he had still loved - the woman he would always love - would do anything to save him.

He hadn't been fair to her in the last few months.

He'd accused her of coming home simply to let him do her dirty work where Kohn was concerned. Even as he'd said those words, he knew it wasn't true. And she'd forgiven him. Then she'd seen him kill the bastard. When he'd called Tara a "biker slut," something inside him had snapped.

All she'd asked of him after Kohn was gone was for them to figure out what was going on between them. He couldn't answer her because he knew she was better than the life he could offer her. He was too deep in it to simply walk away. He also knew that he wasn't strong enough to just let her leave...When she asked again, he knew she needed answers. But instead, he simply asked 'do you love me? It's a simple question, Babe.'

Then at the hospital, after Donna had died, he didn't exactly know what he was going to say to her...and though he had no right, he lashed out when she told him that Chicago was willing to take her back. She'd done everything she could to figure out what was going on between them, and he'd deflected. She let him know exactly what she wanted, he pushed her away and slept with Wendy. He accused her of running. Running from what, exactly, he didn't know. She'd stayed by his side after she'd seen him kill Kohn. She still believed he was a good man. And through it all, he was stringing her along, not giving her the answers she so desperately needed.

He couldn't give her a straight answer about what he wanted until he was faced with the idea of losing her. And he was angry. And still - she stayed. She loved him. He didn't deserve her.

All those years ago, when she'd begged and pleaded with him to leave Charming behind and start a life together somewhere else, it wasn't because she wanted to change him. Not even because she wanted to save him. It was because she knew him. The real him. And she loved him anyway.

Then she came home and he didn't know he could fall any deeper in love with her than he already was, but he did. He watched as the two women in his life set aside their differences and joined forces to love him and his son.

He could see the Cutlass pulling out the driveway, Tara pulling away from the life he was pushing her out of...a lump of emotions settled itself at the back of his throat. He eyes welled up with tears as the car disappeared around the corner. He turned back around and looked into the house that had never felt like a home until Tara and his son became his family there...

He'd watched as she rocked Abel to sleep at night and feed him a bottle in the morning. The way she listened to his breathing, just to make sure he was good and strong and didn't have any set backs.

When she'd walk in the house, and Abel would see her, he would have the biggest smile and his little chubby arms would rise in the air in an unspoken pleading for her to pick him up and shower him with kisses and affection.

He looked towards the bathroom and saw the shower stall, tears coming to his eyes. The memory of that night...the fear he'd felt - it was still so real.

Jax raced into the bedroom, Abel in his arms, flipping the light switch on quickly. "Tara!" he reached out and shook her, startling her out of her deep slumber.

Her entire body jerked in response to sound of his voice and sudden flood of light in the room. "Jax?"

"It's Abel," he was panicking. She could hear it in his voice. His arms were trembling as he craddled his son. "His...his...breathing."

She looked down at the infant, immediately concerned, and moved one hand to his small tummy, feeling the gentle rise and fall. She listened closely.

"I'm just going to grab my kit," she said as she moved off the bed.

"What's wrong with him, Tara? Should we take him to the hospital?" he stood quickly, following her down the hall.

"He's a little congested," she informed him, placing a gentle, reassuring hand on Jax's arm as she dug around in her kit looking for her stethescope. "Just let me take a listen and we'll figure it out from there."

He simply nodded in agreement, looking down at his son. There was no one he trusted more in the world with his sons life than he did her.

She continued to dig around her bag, trying to find the sought after item when she glanced at Jax, worry etched on his face. "Don't get ahead of yourself, Jax. Babies become congested all the time. It's usually not something to worry about."

"Usually?"

"I'm just being cautious because of all that this tough little guy has been through." She finally found the stethescope.

She gently pushed Jax down to sit on the couch then crouched down infront of them. She placed the medical device on a few different areas of Abel's back and chest, listening carefully. Jax watched her closely, feeling like his heart was about to hammer right out of his chest.

The baby was a little fussy, his arms and legs kicking. He wasn't crying, but he was clearly unhappy.

She smiled at Jax. "Nothing to be concerned about."

"You're sure?" He asked. She smiled at him, amused. Her smile made him relax and he exhaled a breath he didn't know he'd been holding in. "Of course you're sure."

"Six figures spent on tuition, 8 years of school, and you still doubt me about congestion?" she teased.

He pulled Abel tighter to his body before leaning forward and pulling her head closer to him with one hand, their foreheads touching, eyes locking. He smiled. "I'm sorry." He pressed a tender kiss to her lips.

"You should be, Teller," she smirked. She patted his knee, standing up and placing the stethescope back in her bag.

"How do we make him feel better?" he asked her quietly, as Abel grabbed his index finger and wrapped his entire hand around it. He smiled at his son tenderly. His first revelation that night was that he knew in that moment, even though he wasn't ready to be a father, he wouldn't miss it for the world.

"Steam."

His head snapped up and looked at her. "Steam?"

She nodded her head. "I'll turn on the shower."

He was confused. "My mother put a humidifier in his room."

"Does it still have water in it?"

Such a basic question and Jax felt awful for not knowing the answer. Silently, he handed Abel to Tara and returned a minute later with an empty tank.

Tara saw the frustration on his face and reached out and placed a comforting hand on his arm as he tried to walk past. He stopped in his tracks, silent.

"It's OK," she said simply.

"I don't know how to do this," he whispered. He could feel her hand under his chin, gently guiding him to look her in her eyes. His shoulders sagged in defeat. Her free hand traveled down his bare chest and rested over his heart. He nodded his head towards his kutte. "I'm an outlaw, Tara. What the hell do I know about raising a kid?"

She smiled. "I've known you my entire life, Jax. You've always been cocky and confident. If you didn't know what you were doing, you acted like you did. And you eventually figured it out. This," she emphasized, tilting her head, her cheek resting atop of Abel's bald head, "is no different."

"It's not like he came with a how-to manual, Tara," he said quietly, reaching up to take her hand from his chest, threading his fingers through hers.

She smirked. "If he did, would you read it?" He smiled a little at her small joke, realizing she was trying to brighten the mood. "Jax, you're brand new at this. All new parents are overwhelmed. You can read all the books, listen to all the advice from well meaning people, but at the end of the day, you have to trust that you'll figure out what works and what doesn't as you go. The small stuff will be trial and error. But the big stuff? The important stuff, like keeping him safe...you've already proven that you are more than capable." He looked at her as if he was about to protest. "His breathing worried you. You were panicking-"

"I was not panicking," he smirked. He knew she wasn't buying it. "OK, OK. I was panicking."

"You knew to bring him to me-"

"But if you hadn't been here-"

"You'd have put him in the truck - in the car seat, I might add - and you'd have gotten him to the hospital. You had the primal urge of not letting anything happen to him. Hate to break it to ya, Teller, but that's your Daddy gene kicking in."

He couldn't help the smile that spread over his face. "You really think I can do this?"

"You're the most capable man I know," she nodded. "And regardless of what the future holds, I'll always be here for the two of you. If you need help, Jax-"

"You'll be by my side," he smiled, pulling her and his son close to him. "For the record, Tara..." he pulled back and looked her straight in the eyes, "My future...his future...you're in it. I'm not letting you go. I can't lose you again."

She smiled up at him.

He returned the smile. He took a deep breath and softly said the words he hadn't been able to say to her since she'd the night she'd left Charming when they were 19. "I love you."

Her eyes watered, relief flooding over her. "I love you too." It was good to finally hear him say those words again. To know he felt the same.

His kissed her, nibbling at her bottom lip, but careful not to get too carried away. "I never stopped loving you. I couldn't. I tried. But I just couldn't."

She laughed. It was a bitter sweet moment. "I know the feeling. No matter how much time passed, or distance there is between Charming and Chicago, you were always in my heart."

His cell phone rang, breaking the moment. He groaned a little.

She giggled. "It's OK. I'll get the shower going."

Ten minutes later, the humidifier was refilled and once again humming along nicely in Abel's nursery. Jax stood outside the closed door of the bathroom. He could clearly hear the water running and the muffled sound of Tara singing to Abel. He opened the door, and poked his head inside.

In the shower stall, Tara stood with Abel, his head on her shoulder, a small smile tugging at his lips as she bounced him up and down slowly. "In the sunlight or the rain, Brightest nights or darkest days, I'll always feel the same way..."

Feeling eyes on her, she turned and spotted Jax. She blushed profusely which made him smile even more. He chuckled.

"You in or out, Teller?"

"I'd love to join you in the shower, Darlin', but I think the boy might be a little young to see such a thing."

She shook her head, smiling at his still teenage libido. "You're letting the steam out. Either come in, or stay out. But either way, shut the door."

"Oh!" He laughed. He entered the bathroom, and shut the door. It was a small room, so it was only a few strides before he was standing next to the shower stall, smiling at her. She looked at him, silently questioning him. "What song were you singing?"

She chuckled and shook her head no, embarassed for having been caught..

"Seriously, what song? I don't remember it from my childhood..."

She laughed. "Gemma doesn't strike me as the type of woman to sing her kids to sleep."

He laughed. "She did teach Thomas and I about guns one night as a bed time story, though."

"She did not!" Tara laughed.

He raised a hand towards the Heavens. "I swear to God! She did!" He loved when she laughed. "So, come on, tell me, what song?"

She looked down in embarassment again. "I don't really know any kids songs, so I tried to think of one that would be child appropriate."

"How do you not know childrens songs? You work with them all day!"

"I specialize in neonatal and perinatal," she reminded him, "not pediatrics."

"The kids you work with are lucky to have you," he said honestly. "You're a natural with them."

She smiled. "It's hard not to love these little people," she insisted. "They are too cute for words," she said in a baby voice to Abel as she lifted him up slightly above her head and a blew a raspberry on his tummy, much to his delight.

It was then that Jax's second revelation that night hit him. He'd never been the guy who lived his life wondering "what if." He knew that if he made a choice, he had to live with the fall out, whatever it may be...but now, he wished he'd been sitting beside Tara, on that bus out of Charming all those years ago.

If he had, Abel would've been her son. Their son. They'd have made a life as far away from the Samcro and the outlaw world as they could get. They'd have found a nice house in a quiet suburb where the biggest community issue was a dog that barked through the night. A quiet street where he could teach his son how to ride a bike, first with training wheels, then eventually, without the training wheels... Tara would proudly be watching from the front yard as she tended to her flower garden.

A front porch swing where he and Tara would sit at the end of a long day, after the kids went to bed, her drinking a glass of wine, him a beer. They'd talk about everything...or nothing at all. Just being there. Together. In love. A family.

"Jax?"

He could see it all so clearly in mind. Abel, and another little boy. Thomas.

Tara saw Jax's lips curve in a slight smile. "Daddy's imagination must be in overdrive," she whispered to Abel.

Jax felt like his heart swelled when he could hear Tara quietly inform him that baby number three was on the way. Both of them sure that this time, a little girl would join her two energetic brothers. Tara would tease him about how his daughter would have him wrapped so tightly around her fingers...

"Earth to Jax?" Tara prodded again.

Finally, he snapped out of his daze when he heard her turn the water off.

"Done already?" he shook his head, trying to rid himself of the over indulgent fantasy.

"We've been in here about twenty minutes," she smiled. "The water was starting to cool off."

He opened a towel and helped wrap Abel in the soft, freshly laundered cotton before taking his son into his arms. He handed Tara the second clean towel. He couldn't shake the the images from his mind about their perfect would-be life...impulsively, he leaned in and kissed her.

"What was that for?" she smiled when he pulled back slightly.

"For coming back to me...for the second chance. For being you."

Without another word, he'd left the bathroom and taken Abel back to the Nursery. He'd sat down in the rocking chair and fed Abel a bottle, then burped him, changed him and rocked him.

"He asleep?" Tara asked quietly from the doorway.

Jax nodded in confirmation and slowly stood up. He gently lay his son down in the crib. Tara reached down and pulled a soft, warm blanket over him. Her hand gently rested on his tiny stomach, once again checking his breathing.

"Is he good?" he asked, placing a hand on the small of her back.

"Perfect," she assured him. She felt his hand slide from the her back to her side before finding her arm, and finally, her hand. He gave it a gentle squeeze before looking at her and nodding to the door.

On their way out, he checked the water level on the humidifier one last time as she glanced at the baby monitor, making sure it was still turned on.

Jax gently guided Tara into the bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind him.

"Thank you," he whispered, pulling her body close to him. He cupped the back of her head gently, softly kissing her lips.

She immediately responded to his ministrations, opening her mouth and teasing him with her tongue.

He moaned deeply as he backed her up towards the bed. When the back of her knees hit the mattress, she nearly toppled over, but Jax's strong arms kept her steady. He gently lowered her down on the bed, the weight of his body settling over her, making her incredibly aware of how he made every single part of her ache...

That night, their love making was slow. Tender. Loving. Passionate. Full of promise.

Jax furiously wiped at the single tear that had escaped. The perfect life he wanted. The one he knew deep in his heart they would never have, but tried desperately to make...was gone. The life he led had finally come back to hurt those he loved and vowed to protect with his own life, at all costs. Halfsack was dead, Tara had been held at gun point, then bound and gagged to Abel's rocking chair in the nursery, and Abel...well, Abel was gone.

His eight month old son was gone. He knew that Tara wasn't responsible for anything that had happened, but she blamed herself. There were no words that could console either of them. They had both tried to help one another cope, but words felt empty and hollow with no bouncing baby boy beside them.

He had honestly believed he could keep them both safe. He prayed that Abel was out there somewhere. In the arms of someone kind and gentle. Where he wasn't scared. That was all he could hope for...but Tara...his Tara...she was hurting. As if she had lost her own son.

He knew when he had told her the day before that he was "done", it wouldn't be enough to push her away. That's why he'd jumped at the chance to take Ima to bed. He felt horrible. Using someone, even a porn star who seemed intent on pissing off Tara every chance she got...but he knew she'd come looking for him. Knew she'd see him with Ima. Knew it would be the final straw. She'd told him only a few weeks earlier that cheating was a deal breaker.

The look on her face when she walked into the room had made him want to vomit. He knew he'd hurt her. The look on her face when she saw who he'd done it with...he felt like he should've been nominated for, and won, the Asshole of the Year Award. Maybe even the decade.

Tara loved him inspite of everything. Trusted him with her heart - again. She seemlessly stepped into the role of Mommy and became the one constant and stable presence in his sons life. She went from a single woman, working long hours as a doctor, to a woman who worked those same long hours, who everyone considered to be his "old lady" and the mother to his son, and did medical work for the club when the violence broke out. She didn't ask questions...she was doing everything she could to make it work between them. Because it's what she wanted. What he wanted. What they wanted.

And he had destroyed it all.

The pain and anger of losing his family overwhelmed him. In a fit of rage, he picked up the chair in the living room and threw it, knocking a hole in the drywall. He ripped the nearly nude pictures of biker chicks off the walls, the flimsy, cheap frames breaking. He kicked the large coffee table, flipping it over.

He would've continued his destructive path through the house, but the church bells from a few blocks away that chimed every hour sing-songed thru the stillness of the mess.

He made his way back to their bedroom - his bedroom - to pack a bag. When he opened the dresser drawers and closet, the absence of her items made his heart ache. The house that had finally felt like a home was once again just a shell. It was simply a place to go at the end of the day and lay his head.

As he finished shoving a few more pieces of clothes into his bag, he looked at the pictures he had placed on the mirror. There was a picture of Tara. A picture of Abel. A picture Tara and Abel together. A picture of all three of them, as a family, together at the park...he quickly took down the pictures and put them in his bag.

Even if he didn't have them anymore, if he couldn't have his family, no one could take away their beautiful memories.

End of Chapter 1. If you think it's worth continuing, please let me know! :)