I Was and Am Alone
Everything in this world is boring and annoying. Nothing in this world is worthy of his interest. That is how Fushimi Saruhiko thinks.
It's not like he never tried to be positive. He tried. Of course he tried. But the world is just really great in throwing shit at his face. That feeling when you're trying so hard to be positive, to be happy, to appreciate the world… and then something shitty will happen and you will have no choice but to feel miserable again.
It's not like he tried just once. The truth is he tried twice, thrice… many times. Up to the point when he decided that it's all futile. Like, why does he keep on trying if experience is telling him that he will just fail and fail?
He gave up. He separated himself from the world. Yes, he attended school in a regular basis, but it's not like he actually befriended people. To the point that he's always alone and nobody cares. To the point that the people around him believed that he prefers to be alone. To the point that because of that belief, no one tried to actually go near him.
Don't they know that nobody really likes to be alone? There are people who say that they do, but no. No. Lies. Those are lies. No man is an island. No man can live just for himself. A wise someone once said that solitude is a great place to visit, but a poor place to stay at.
His daily life started to become more boring that it already is. Wake up. Take a bath. Eat. Go to school. Study. Eat. Study. Go home. Eat. Sleep. Wake up. Take a bath. Eat. Go to school. Study. Eat. Study. Go home. Eat. Sleep. Wake up. Take a bath. Eat. Go to school. Study. Eat. Study. Go home. Eat. Sleep.
Just like that, in a regular basis. The cycle gets a bit altered during weekends, but they're not really that big of a change. And it's not like those alterations were not as boring. Normally, they're just extended time of sleep, or going somewhere. That's all.
He tried to get out of this world. He tried to harm himself. But there is a voice in his mind telling him that he doesn't really want to do that. He doesn't really want to disappear. A little part of his mind still believes that there is still hope. So he dropped the cutter and realized how dumb that idea is. And to think that he contemplated that idea too.
He knows too that he will just come back to that damnable cycle now that he decided to not pursue that idea. He wants something different to happen in his life. Something that will make him feel happy. Something that will make him smile. Something that he will actually enjoy.
But what should he do for that to happen?
He just waited, despite thinking that living this aimlessly is as dumb as killing himself. His very little optimism and hope waver sometimes, but his rationality and common sense were at least enough to keep him alive. So what he did was to continue waiting.
Until somebody arrived in his life.
He never actually took notice of that person before, heck, it's not like he took notice of anyone for that matter. The first time they talked was because of a pair activity. The teacher was the one who assigned the pairs, and he admits that he was a bit thankful that he got paired with that person.
That person was named Yata Misaki.
Saruhiko's first impression of him was that he's loud, annoying, brash, a little slow in the head… He's everything that Saruhiko disliked. He didn't like the way Yata insisted on calling him 'Saruhiko', heck, it was even 'Saru' once. He was more or less annoyed. Yata even followed him until lunch time.
That was when Saruhiko turned around, and for the first time, spoke his mind. "Why are you following me?"
Yata was obviously a bit taken aback. He probably did not expect Saruhiko to just turn around that way and ask that. But he cleared his throat and responded, "I… I just can't help but notice that y-you're always alone! I… Agh. I just can't… I thought… Maybe you could use some company…"
"…"
"A-And I wouldn't leave even if you tell me to! Because I… I can't… I don't… Agh. I don't… think that there is anyone in this world… who wants to be alone."
Yata cleared his throat again, looking slightly determined this time. Saruhiko clicked his tongue, turned around, and continued walking. He can hear that Yata did the same, continued following him. This was the first time someone actually tried to go with him. He's not that great in conversing with people, and he thinks that he probably would bore Yata sooner or later.
They continued walking, Yata behind, without anyone actually talking. Saruhiko can feel that Yata is maintaining a distance, just in case that there is some boundaries that Saruhiko did not want crossed. Saruhiko usually is a silent person, and he doesn't know why this silence is bugging him. Maybe this is what people call awkward silence.
Saruhiko did something strange. He isn't sure how he did so, or where he took the courage and confidence, but he did it. He did it. He turned around for the second time and spoke again, "S-So… Where do you… w-want to eat?"
Just like the first time Saruhiko turned around, Yata looked surprised. But it's only a matter of seconds before he smiled and stopped walking behind Saruhiko, to walk beside him instead. "I have a spot where no one else goes to. Let's go!"
Yata grinned at him and grabbed his hand. He was a bit taken aback because of the sudden physical contact. It's not like he actually had someone to hang out with before. It's not like someone actually tried to go near him and be close to him like this. Albeit unnoticed by his companion, Saruhiko felt it. Saruhiko felt it. He felt that he smiled.
Yata, no… Misaki. Misaki allowed him to use his first name. He said that it would be just right "since I call you Saruhiko anyway." Saruhiko was the only one who called him Misaki, and vice-versa. This is the first-name basis that people talk about, right? They say that if two people are in that so-called first-name basis, they are close. That must mean that… Misaki and Saruhiko are close.
They are, aren't they? Or else they wouldn't be together like this. They wouldn't hang out every day, they wouldn't come over their respective houses, they wouldn't play games together, they wouldn't laugh and joke around together, they wouldn't plan to go somewhere together… They wouldn't do those fun things together if they aren't close, would they?
This is… This is what people refer to as a 'friend', right? Friends are happy when they're together, right? Friends do fun things together, right? Friends enjoy each others' company, right? Friends like each other, right? Friends support each other, right? Can… Can Saruhiko be as bold as to say that… he's friends with Misaki?
Saruhiko is happy when he's with Misaki. Saruhiko thinks that the things he do with Misaki are fun. Saruhiko enjoys Misaki's company. Saruhiko likes Misaki. Saruhiko tries his best to support Misaki. But…
Is Misaki happy when he's with Saruhiko? Does Misaki think that the things he do with Saruhiko are fun? Does Misaki enjoy Saruhiko's company? Does Misaki like Saruhiko? Misaki supports Saruhiko and Saruhiko knows that. Things wouldn't be the same if Misaki's not around. But what Saruhiko wishes is he's not being a burden.
Self-doubt and insecurity reached Saruhiko's mind. What if Misaki isn't really happy when he's with Saruhiko? What if Misaki is just really nice like that and pities Saruhiko that's why he cannot leave? What if Misaki doesn't really find the things that they're doing together fun? What if Saruhiko was the only one enjoying? What if Misaki doesn't really like Saruhiko?
The truth is Saruhiko doesn't want to entertain these pessimistic thoughts anymore. He's tired that whenever he's trying to have fun and be happy, some unwanted negative thoughts will flash in his mind. He's tired of that. He doesn't want to put up with that anymore. That is why, one day, he asked Misaki.
"Misaki… Am I your friend?"
Misaki grinned with that usual grin and lightly punched him on the arm. "I don't think you're just a friend. In fact, you're my best friend, Saruhiko!"
Best friend. Yes. Misaki is right. They're not just friends. They're best friends.
Saruhiko cannot believe it himself. He has a best friend. He has a really nice and kind best friend. And his best friend also looks at him as a best friend. He couldn't ask for more. Never did he remember being so happy. Never did he remember smiling every day. Never did he remember looking forward to going to school. Never did he remember looking forward to waking up.
Misaki made him experience pleasant things that he never did before. Misaki made everything seem happy and enjoyable. How can Misaki effortlessly do that? How did he make every day seem happy and enjoyable for a usually lethargic and apathetic person?
Saruhiko remembers the time when he thinks that nothing interests him, that everything is boring and uninteresting. How come that isn't true anymore? Misaki brightened up everything. Misaki brought color to his dull world. Saruhiko never imagined that these happiness and contentment were possible.
Saruhiko was never this thankful before. He's thankful. Very thankful. He didn't know that he would be able to experience this too. He's thankful because Misaki actually took the patience to put up with him. No one ever did before. And he didn't know that someone would.
He doesn't think that he had thanked Misaki enough for everything. The truth is he doesn't know what will be the proper way to thank him. It doesn't feel like a simple 'thank you' is enough. Misaki has done so much for him. That is not enough. Yes, Saruhiko knows that he should do something more.
But what can he do?
That question lingered in his mind. He will come up with something. He would. He wouldn't let Misaki's good deeds be unanswered. He will come up with something. But for now, being nice to him and acting like the usual would be fine.
Until something happened.
Misaki had a bad day. He's upset about something. Saruhiko doesn't know how he will deal with him. He's scared to say something wrong and upset Misaki further. He doesn't think that he's that great with words, so he decided to just be quiet and stick around Misaki. He hopes that at least that's enough to convey that he's there for Misaki.
"Saruhiko."
"Misaki?"
"Let's go to the city."
Saruhiko agreed. Of course he did. Misaki had a bad day, so he might as well do what Misaki wants. If that would cheer Misaki up, he would be willing to do it. After all, Misaki had done so much for him, right? He wouldn't mind doing anything to cheer the other up.
They just walked around, they didn't really go anywhere special. But that was alright with Saruhiko. At least, while walking, Misaki told him the reason why he's upset. Saruhiko intently listened. After all, that's all he can do in this situation. He doesn't know what's the right thing to say. It doesn't look like Misaki minded Saruhiko not saying anything, but Saruhiko feels like a bad friend for not being able to do something.
They stopped somewhere. They leaned on a post together. Saruhiko drank his favorite beverage as Misaki played a video game. Saruhiko can hear Misaki's frustrated complaints each time he loses in the game that he's playing. Saruhiko felt a bit worse. If only he can comfort Misaki, he wouldn't need to vent on a video game.
Despite feeling that way, Saruhiko still doesn't know what to do.
He prepared to gulp down the remaining juice in the bottle, but Misaki snatched it and drank from it. Saruhiko doesn't mind. It's okay if they drink from the same bottle. As long as it's Misaki, it's alright. But still, what bothered him is that he should have bought some drinks for Misaki too. He hopes Misaki doesn't think that he's a selfish bastard.
Misaki seem to have lost another round as he threw the bottle in an irritated manner. Saruhiko saw that there is a group nearby. One of them is about to be hit by the bottle. Panic rushed on Saruhiko's mind. That group looks dangerous. If the bottle that Misaki threw hit one of them, it might mean trouble.
But what happened is that a tall redheaded man from the group caught the bottle flawlessly. And drank from it.
Then threw it back at them.
But the bottle was set aflame and it melted.
How totally… unexpected? Is that the right word for this situation? The others were smiling at the two of them. It's a genuine smile, not the kind that seem to be waiting to beat the living daylights out of you.
"Mikoto, don't scare the kids." The blond beside the redhead spoke with a Southern accent.
Mikoto? That must be the redhead's name. He's a bit scary indeed, Saruhiko admits and-
"Who are you calling scared?" He heard Misaki's voice exclaim rather harshly and rudely as a response.
Saruhiko was a bit intimidated by that group. He instantly felt that they're not the kind to mess with. He isn't as brave as Misaki who can just snap at those people that way. Well, it's either Misaki was brave, or he cannot feel that those people are dangerous. Though now that Saruhiko looked at him closely, he's slightly shaking. So maybe Misaki is also afraid.
The redhead turned back, not even uttering a word. The others except the blond did the same. That was when Saruhiko decided that the tall redhead must be that crowd's leader. The blond spoke, "Instead of just staying here, why not join us? We will provide you a place to vent."
Just like an unspoken connection and understanding, Saruhiko and Misaki looked at each other in unison.
That was the day when they met Suoh Mikoto and joined HOMRA.
Misaki is a friendly and cheerful person. He easily befriended the other members of HOMRA. He even reunited with a childhood friend. Misaki looks like he's always having fun. He's always smiling and laughing, messing around with his new friends. The person that he snapped at during the first meeting, Suoh Mikoto, is now a person that he adores. Misaki is always speaking about him, calling him 'Mikoto-san'. He seems to shine brighter every day.
Saruhiko had a hard time adjusting. He was a bit intimidated by the sudden number of people. He never really hung out with a large group. He was always with Misaki. Misaki is his only friend after all. He didn't know how he would react around the other HOMRA members. He usually would just be standing there, without talking to anyone, just watching. If he's in the mood, he would force himself to laugh at jokes that he hardly appreciates. The other members would initiate a conversation with him, sometimes, but none of them felt like Misaki. No one is like Misaki. Because Misaki is Misaki.
It's okay, though. Saruhiko doesn't mind. Even if he feels out of place, it's fine, as long as Misaki is happy. Saruhiko already knows that he doesn't belong in this crowd, but if Misaki is here and wants to be here, Saruhiko would accompany him. Even if he already feels like Misaki is slowly drifting away from him, and that nothing is like before.
Nothing is the same anymore. That's what it feels like for Saruhiko. Everything has changed. Saruhiko is not happy anymore when he's with Misaki. Saruhiko doesn't think anymore that the things he do with Misaki are fun. Saruhiko doesn't enjoy Misaki's presence anymore. But Saruhiko still likes Misaki. Saruhiko cannot support Misaki anymore, because the others beat him to it.
It's not like it's his choice to not enjoy Misaki's presence anymore. He still wants to be with Misaki, but at the same time, he doesn't. He cannot understand himself anymore. He never experienced something like this before. He doesn't know what to do.
He wants to enjoy Misaki's presence, but it's so hard considering the circumstances. When it's just the two of them together at school, like before, all Misaki would talk about is 'Mikoto-san' or HOMRA. Saruhiko puts up with Misaki, of course. But he doesn't enjoy it. It makes him feel sad. It makes him want to cry. Because it feels like Misaki enjoys their presence more than Saruhiko's, and Saruhiko feel so insignificant because of that.
And then his self-doubt and insecurity rose again. Was he even significant in the first place? Is he still Misaki's best friend? Misaki is still Saruhiko's best friend, but is Saruhiko still Misaki's?
It's okay. Saruhiko can put up with this. He had worse. This is just a small thing. He can do this. He can put up with this. He can. If it's for Misaki, he can. He would do anything for Misaki. If it's Misaki… As long as it's Misaki… Is Misaki willing to do the same for him though?
Saruhiko shook those thoughts off from his mind. He shouldn't be feeling that way. Misaki has done enough for him. He shouldn't question Misaki's kindness this way. He has done enough. He has done so much. It's enough already. So Saruhiko shouldn't be feeling this way. Right?
Even if Misaki seems to enjoy himself with the HOMRA members more and it makes Saruhiko feel bad about himself, even if Misaki seems to talk about HOMRA and 'Mikoto-san' all the time and it makes Saruhiko feel insignificant, even if Misaki hangs out with HOMRA so much and it makes Saruhiko feel out of place, it's okay.
Right?
NO.
No, it isn't.
It isn't okay.
Of course it isn't.
It isn't.
He can't lie to himself any longer.
It isn't okay.
It hurts.
It hurts so much.
It hurts to feel invisible… No. It hurts more to be painfully visible and obviouslyignored. It hurts that their friendship seems to have been forgotten and replaced by merely new friends. It hurts to feel that he seems so insignificant that people Misaki just met are enough to replace him.
What should he do?
He doesn't know what to do. He tried extending his patience, but it didn't seem to work. So what he did next was the silent treatment. Be silent all the time. Don't talk if not talked to. Be like how you were before. Isolate yourself from everyone, like you did before. And then see how he would react.
Saruhiko was usually alone. And now that he is alone again, he wonders how he did it. He wonders how he lived without a friend and something to look forward to every day. It feels bad to realize how he is before. And it feels worse that Misaki didn't seem to notice that he's trying to isolate himself again. But the worst is that while he is being alone, waiting if Misaki would notice, Misaki is in front of him, laughing with his friend, specifically Suoh Mikoto.
He cannot take it anymore. He stood up and walked outside, slowly on purpose, to see if Misaki would at least turn his head and ask where he's going. He didn't.
He's outside, running away. He didn't get his desired effect. He got ignored. He got hurt more. What is he going to do now? Why is he running away? Where is he headed to? Hah. Does he even care? He doesn't. At this point, he doesn't. Not anymore.
Or at least that's what he wants to think.