Hey guys it's your local nerd back for the first time in ages, bringing you snazzy content of the stucked homes variety. Actually wrote this like two days after 4/13 because I was out having a grand old time in the city with some other nerds on actual 4/13. Dragged Nepeta out of the closet. It was all G. Had a reunion with some old buddies too. Was good. Reread some old BroJohn fics I used to be obsessed with.
So here we are. So basically, TExting Au (Take note this is BroJohn, not JohnDave, we just have a lot of Dave here because why the fuck not, he deserves the world damnit and I want to give him a nice life. Yes, DaveKat will happen somewhat here) , with John and Dave as And They Were Roommates but Dave is going off to finish his degree in Art, leaving John on his own in their cruddy shit apartment in Oregon. John finished his degree the previous year but wanted to work in Oregon casually so Dave didn't get Lonely and also so they could split rent. Dave stays on campus for 4 days of the week because 4/5 of his days are early starters and he hates travelling early in the morning. The rest he spends at the Shit Apartment. Just so yall know a bit of background here. Anyway- Dave pranks John by signing his # up to his Bro's puppet porn site, platinum edition. Problem is, Bro had given Dave the ability to give anyone any subscription for free in the case of him meeting a fellow puppeteer, Obviously Dave thinks this is gr8 news for pranks. Now problem is, Platinum, had Dave realized how much it actually costs to buy, would have seen that it has exactly 0 buyers on bro's site. Due to it's outrageous costs. So of course, Bro thinking John is his first subscriber to platinum edition, messages him. Anhywayjayyayayay read the fic enough talky from this bitch.
Start
"Dude let's go, we're going to be late!" Dave yells, banging on the bathroom door, "How long does it take one single person to piss? Are you fucking playing Love Nikki again? Get off your phone, Egbert."
"Stop hitting the door! The shitty hinges aren't going to hold much more of that." John huffs, praying that Dave doesn't break the door, the landlord would not be pleased. "And I'm not playing Love Nikki." He says, turning the LN app off.
"I've seen what level you are before, 'casual Love Nikki player' is not what you can tell me you are. You play that game like you and your friends, their friends, and everyone's hamsters will die if you dont complete the daily shit or complete a suit." Dave says, giving the door a final hard shove, hearing it creak and shudder, the sound of a snap of metal and the door is suddenly falling forwards, toward Dave. "Ah fuck."
"Dave you dumb shit, Cronus is going to kill you!" John squawks, rushing to zip his fly back up. He washes his hands fast and walks over to Dave, who's trying to gently place the door on the floor. "I told you not to hit the door. I tell you every single time you do it, to NOT do it. Now look at this mess."
"Shouldn't have been playing LN, dude." Dave mutters, "Wouldn't have had to murder the door. Now we're both late AND the door is broken."
"We were only going to Taco Bell, it's not like we had a reservation at some expensive rich people restaurant." John scowls.
"How dare you disrespect Taco Bell. Only the finest of gentlemen and gentleladies and other Fine Human People eat at Taco Bell. Lovingly crafted laxative food, molded by the hands of underpaid teenagers who deserve a raise and some love."Dave replies, arms crossed, "Also our Dinner Out time ended 5 minutes ago so now we gotta wait for another day. Asshole."
"We still have two hours until Taco Bell closes, why can't we just go anyway for once?" John mumbles.
"Because I need my rem sleep, assbaka." Dave snorts, "These fine hands cant lovingly sculpt the fine wrinkles of Cage's ass on their paper if I don't get any sleep."
"Urgh, shut up. Fine, we won't go." John says, glowering at Dave, "Not only we do not go to Taco Bell, you broke the damn door."
"It's your fault, you tried to take a 25 minute piss to play LN and made us miss Taco Bell Night." Dave says, then he glances at the broken door, "And you made me break the door. You're going to pay dearly for this Egbert, mark my words."
"Yeah whatever. I'm ordering a pizza instead." John says, pulling his phone from his pocket.
"Margarita with Anchovies please." Dave replies, giving the door a sad kick and moving into the living room, throwing himself on the couch. "Ask them if the sauce can be changed to mayo."
"Dave." John sighs, "I am one day going to throttle you so hard you'll regret ever being born."
"Jokes on you I regret that every day." Dave says.
"Dude." John mumbles, "Fine I'll order your fucking pizza."
"Good boy." Dave says. "But don't think buying me a pizza is going to be a good apology for Taco Bell's dismissal."
'Whatever." John says, and orders them some pizza.
After the ravenous consumption of pizza, and Dave's retching the pizza back up again, mumbling about how he managed to survive all these years, Dave pisses off to his bedroom and slams the door. John is left on cleanup duty, as per usual. Wondering o himself, why the ever loving fuck are Striders just Like That? He saw Dave's old place with his Bro once, just once, and it was a fucking mess. It was like walking into a badly designed indie horror game room where the creator thinks they made it Weird and Edgy but it's really just Weird and Really Weird. How the Strider family survived at all was still a mystery to John. The income he knew about, but the living itself... how? Does Dave even actually have a brother at all? Or is it a persona he made up so that no one knew he was the one with the actual puppet thing going on. Probably, but that's a mystery for another day.
It was about 10 minutes into tidying up the kitchen when John's phone buzzes. Hoisting himself up onto the kitchen bench, John whips out his phone and sees that it's a message from an unknown number. He reads through the first message about 7 times, and in that time others came pouring in.
[Unknown + MEmyselfandI]
[Unknown]: Hey dude, what a lad you must be huh. Pretty expensive thing for you do. Don't get me wrong I am absolutely thrilled, but I have to tell you that Platinum is just a joke, I made it fully expecting no one to actually get it. I think I'm having trouble with your money though, it hasn't come through yet but my list here says you just bought Platinum.
[Unknown]: Look, I'm not asking you to resend the money, could just be some Lag on my part, or your part, who knows. I'm just wondering why you purchased it. It's such a bullshit deal. Hell, maybe you're loaded and just wanted to look rich and cool in my livestreams with your Platinum badge and all, but seriously. Why?
[Unkown]: ? Hello ? ? Richie Rich?
[Unknown]: Maybe I shouldn't call you Richie Rich, pretty sure he was a kid and Humans of the Child Variety should not at all be anywhere near me. Not safe.
[Unknown]: FUCK, that sounded worse. Dude, Ma'am, Human Person, I swear on all that's Ass that I am not a pedo. Simply a frazzled man who used poor word choice.
[MEmyselfandI]: um do I know you? What's this about some kind of Platinum thing?
[MEmyselfandI]: Only thing I've ever bought is a subscription to is Netflix and about 400 bucks worth of deals on Love Nikki every fucking week, which I count as a subscription because that's what it feels like trying to keep up with that game.
[Unknown]: You play Love Nikki? LAME
[Unknown]: What V are you?
[MEmyselfandI]: v13
[Unknown]: Holy shit that's way higher than me. I'm v7.
[Unknown]: Wait. You've been spending 400 a week on Love Nikki, and you're v13. So you have been playing what? For like a month and a half? 2 or Three, then? Fucking hell. You crashed hard for this game.
[MEmyselfandI]: How do you know how long I've been playing?
[Unknown]: I know I don't mention this on my streams but to get to v15 it costs over $5000 US. Or if you're an Aussie, it it's over $7000, apparently. Because fuck exchange rates. Though you can lower the price you pay if you sit on your ass and check the game for deals all the time.
[Unknown]: Speaking of streams, what did you mean before, not knowing what Platinum was? You signed up with your # # buddy. Literally minutes ago.
[MEmyselfandI]: I have no idea what you're talking about. Minutes ago I was cleaning the kitchen because my roommate is a disorderly wretch who if he were not my best I'd have probably killed by now.
[Unknown]: Well your roommate sounds like a dick, maybe he signed you up? Probably retracted the money so you don't actually get Platinum, but it confuses my system for a few hours.
[MEmyselfandI]: You're probably right, I'll ask him.
John yells out to Dave, "Hey asshole did you sign me up for some thing called Platinum?"
"Yep! Consider that your punishment." Dave yells back, his voice sounds a little off. Either he's sleepy or jerking it. John makes a note to not walk in on him again.
[Unknown + MEmyselfandI]
[MEmyselfandI]: Yeah it was my shithead roommate. Sorry for any confusion he caused. So what do you do? Are you a Youtuber or something?
[Unknown]: Something like that I guess. So you didn't buy the sub? That's fine. I admit I was a little shocked when I thought someone did. It's supposed to be a gag.
[MEmyselfandI]: How much is Platinum supposed to cost? You got me all curious now!
[Unknown]: 100'000 US beautiful, bastard dollars.
[MEmyselfandI]: Jesus fucking christ.
[Unknown]: Yeah. That's why I was shocked, because in the details of the subscription package I put 'You will recieve x1 Platnium Online Badge and That's It Buddy'. A literal gag. No one was supposed to buy it.
[Unknown]: Of course if someone had actually done so, like I thought before, other than panicking I would have probably invited you out to come do a livestream with me.
[MEmyselfandI]: Huh. Sounds fun tbh but maybe not up my alley. Anyway, do you do anything other than livestream?
[Unknown]: I draw a lot. My sort of kid is an artist. Don't tell him but I actually think his art is great though I'll never live it down if he finds out I think that.
[MEmyselfandI]: I cant tell him because I don't know him. So you're a dad? Kids are tough! Does his mother help out with your livestreams or?
[Unknown]: ..
[Unknown]: Wow you were not kidding when you didn't even know what I do.
[Unknown]: Nah buddy, I'm as gay as they come. No waifu here.
[MEmyselfandI]: Oh sorry, Your husband then?
[Unknown]: Single as the last pringle in the pringles tin.
[MEmyselfandI]: Dang I'm not good at talking huh
[Unknown]: You're doing fine, SpeedyWeiner.
[MEmyselfandI]: Excuse me?
[Unknown]: That's what your roommate signed you up as on my site.
[MEmyselfandI]: What a shithead. Thank God he's leaving tomorrow to stay at campus for the next few days. Finally going to have the house to myself. No more bugging me about Love Nikki or hogging the TV. Though I have work too so that sucks but meh.
[Unknown]: Man you guys are just kids? The fuck is your roommate doing watching my shit enough to sign you up?
[MEmyselfandI]: We're not kids, it's college not High School. I'm 22.
[Unknown]: A baby. A literal baby. Same age as my sort of son.
[MEmyselfandI]: I'm not a baby! Why do you say your son is sort of your son? Adopted?
[Unknown]: Long story. Some explosions. A horse. Shit went down and then there was a kid.
[MEmyselfandI]: U M ok.
[Unknown]: Hey listen, I gotta set up for my Midnight Livestream so I'm gonna have to stop talking right now, but hey, you're neat to chat to so I don't mind being texting buddies or whatever. My name is Dirk.
[MEmyselfandI]: I'd like being friends with you Dirk. My name is John. Good luck with your livestream!
[Unknown]: Thanks buddy.
[Unknown changed to Mr Livestreamer]
End
So that's it for the first chapter, I have decided I don't wish to make long chapters for this fic because at the moment I don't have the time, but hey. Hopefully they're enjoyable anyway. Updates won't be consistent but I'm hoping to get them up at least 1-2 times a month. Unlike my Bleach fic which, btw, I am so sorry about! I'm still working on it, I promise it's just... since my laptop died I couldn't find the willpower to rewrite 7k + for one chap. I'm doing it though, I'm making this happen.