Author: Elf Asato
Summary: Mpreg...or is it? 83-ish.
Disclaimer: Haha, I claim no responsibility for this one.
Notes: This was written for Vez (2004 SSP)! I tried a different style with this thing. Somewhat appropriate for the content?
Stuffed Mushrooms and Chile
By Elf Asato
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Chile never agreed with him, no matter who made it.
Is there something wrong with your stomach? Goku asked. It smells different, and it's fatter.
This upset and worried Sanzo.
What's wrong? Hakkai wanted to know when Sanzo came to him for aid. He was really the only person he trusted enough.
I don't know, he said. I think there's something wrong with my stomach.
Does it hurt? Hakkai was ever-concerned.
No, it just feels weird.
We'll take you to the doctor, then, Hakkai said.
The doctor said that Sanzo was pregnant.
I'm not pregnant, he maintained. I'm a guy, and a virgin to boot. The last part he said with embarrassment.
This did not change the fact that Sanzo was still pregnant.
Maybe those floating heads are gonna make the Virgin Sanzo give birth to Buddha, Gojyo said, trying to make light of the situation once he found out.
That's not funny, Hakkai admonished. Ever since Sanzo became pregnant, he was increasingly defensive and protective of him.
Gojyo was barely joking.
Sanzo still thought he wasn't pregnant until one day he realized that he couldn't see past his bulging belly.
Why do you look so sad, Sanzo? Goku asked. Aren't you excited about having a baby? I'll try to be a good brother, you know!
No, Sanzo said. He felt moody and cranky. My waistline is ruined, and I want ice cream.
Hakkai had been on edge ever since he found out Sanzo was pregnant. Sanzo, I have something to tell you, he said as he sat Sanzo down on his bed. You're pregnant.
No, I'm not. I just got fat from eating ice cream.
You're not fat. You're pregnant, and it's all my fault.
I'm not pregnant. I'm a guy and a virgin, Hakkai. Maybe Gojyo was actually right...
Don't say such things. You're not, Sanzo, Hakkai said passionately.
I am too a guy...
No, you're not a virgin.
...Oh.
Hakkai sighed heavily. Sanzo, don't you remember that night? We were playing poker and drinking sake. One thing led to another, and... You were too drunk to remember, weren't you?
He held his head in embarrassment because he had been too drunk to remember, and as a result he was going to be a mother. So I guess that means you're the father, right Hakkai?
Yes, I'm terribly sorry, Hakkai apologized.
...
Is there anything I could do for you...?
...Could you get me some ice cream? Sanzo asked.
Hakkai obliged.
Goku and Gojyo took the news of Hakkai's future fatherhood relatively well. Gojyo, of course, joked around, and Goku was excited.
Time passed and pretty soon Sanzo was due any day.
Sanzo's hormones made him angry. I'm sorry, he said after saying something cruel to Hakkai he didn't really mean as they sat in the jeep together. I'm just scared, he admitted.
It's okay, Hakkai said and held him. They had grown close.
Too soon the big day came.
Push! the mid-wife told Sanzo. Push!
Sanzo pushed for hours before the baby finally came out.
Hakkai held his daughter for the first time and smiled. She's beautiful.
Yeah, Gojyo said.
Sanzo was tired after giving birth to a stuffed mushroom. She was the cutest little thing he had ever seen.
I can't wait to play with her! Goku said as he held Sanzo and Hakkai's newborn daughter. Then he ate her and Sanzo screamed.
He couldn't believe that a cold sweat was practically pouring from him, and his heart was racing, beating wildly. At once, though, he saw that he was no longer in a hospital bed, but in a dingy inn room with Hakkai at the side of his bed looking concerned.
"I knew I should have woken you up earlier," Hakkai muttered, looking pained. "Nightmare?"
"Yeah," Sanzo responded, running a hand through his matted hair. "What the hell did you put in that chile you made last night?"
Hakkai frowned. "Nothing that shouldn't be in chile... Why?"
"It didn't sit well with me, I guess."
Apologizing, Hakkai also mentioned, "Well, if you're feeling up to it, Goku and Gojyo are having breakfast downstairs. If you want to eat, you should hurry before they devour it all."
"I guess I'm kind of hungry," he muttered as he got ready and went down with Hakkai to breakfast. After that dream, he was surprised he could still look at Hakkai with a straight face. At the table he grabbed the last rice ball.
"Oh, I love those!" Goku said, trying to wheedle the rice ball from Sanzo. "I barely got any." Lie. "Can I have yours?"
Automatically he reached for it because Sanzo always surrendered gracefully anyway, but this time was different. "No!" Sanzo said, pulling back. "You ate my baby!"
"...What?"
Sanzo turned a deep red and growled, "Shut up. Forget I said anything."
"...Okay..."
And life went on.