Okay so in this marvelous fanfiction I am going to *try* putting most all of the characters from Twilight into therapy, cause they really need it.
I do not own Twilight. I do not want anything more to do with the blasted series than this and many other fics making fun of it.
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THERE ARE GOING TO BE SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE SERIES, FROM #1-#4, YOU HEAR!!!!? I'LL BE PUTTING WARNINGS LIKE THIS UP ON EVERY CHAPTER IN CASE THERE ARE ANY CHAPTER SKIPPERS OUT THERE. I'LL ALSO DO THIS IN FRONT OF EVERY SPOILER, JUST TO MAKE YOU "HAPPY". BY THE WAY, NOTE TO ALL CHAPTER SKIPPERS: I DISLIKE YOU
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Twilight Goes to Therapy
-Rachel is in an explorer's suit, with the hat and vest and everything-
Rachel: Why, hello there! –is trying to be extra careful what with the rabid fangirls of Twilight around every corner- My name is Dr. Rachel and I'm treading on thin ice!
-Out of nowhere a forty year old woman and three teenage girls jump out of bushes that also came out of nowhere like cougars and attack Rachel. They all fight for a while until Rachel has successfully tied up the women and thrown them in a lake as they snarled and yipped and growled-
Rachel: Jeez I need to be careful. It seems like they can smell a non-believer from quite a while away…
-growls are heard-
Audience Member24 (who is around the age of 60): -whimpers- I wanna leave. Momma this place is scaring me! –curls into fetal position and sucks thumb-
Jasper: It's okay Audience Member24. –pats Audience Member24's back- Everything is going to be alright…
-Squeals and Indian calls and war cries are heard as about 65 fangirls run into the Audience where Jasper is-
Jasper: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! –turns into a bat and disappears, taking Audience Member24 with him-
-the fangirls disappear in a cloud of smoke-
Rachel: …And that's why I've brought myself some protection.
-perverted snickers are heard throughout the audience-
Rachel: -rolls eyes- Sickos. Anyways –whispers- Here's Jenny!
-Jenny appears with magic wand and book of spells-
Jenny: -also whispers- Hey everybody!
Random Fan of Harry Potter: -speaking very loudly- Ohmigosh! It's Hermione Granger!
Rachel: Quiet, you! Do you want The Twigirls to know our current position!? (AN: Yes, it seems that the Twilight fandom has become so amazingly popular that they aren't just Twilight fangirls anymore. So I've made a new name for them: The Twigirls. Chilling, isn't it? –shudder-)
-screeches are heard from afar-
Jenny: Begone, Random Fan of Harry Potter!
-Random Fan of Harry Potter disperses in pixelike droplets-
Rachel: You DO look like Hermione.
Jenny: Yeah my hair is poofy! What of it!
Rachel: -sigh-
-Crazed Twigirls are seen racing towards the juglelike set. Jenny waves her magic wand and a giant clear dome appears around the set. The Twigirls beat on the glass, shrieking-
Rachel: Give a hand to my friend Jenny everybody! For the show I've made her a warlock to protect all of us from the Twilight maniacs!
Jenny: Correct! I am all-powerful!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Rachel: But I've also called our other friend Jasmine who I have made into a Good Witch to stop Jenny from doing anything stupid, which she always ends up doing.
-Jenny makes a poor rabbit grow a snake's tail and griffin's wings. A bolt of lightning comes from above and strikes Jenny-
Jasmine's Voice (which is coming from a speaker in the ceiling): Don't be stupid, Jenny!
Jenny: OW!!!
Rachel: Well. Now that everything's settled, it's time for some major therapy! Here's the annoying completely over-obsessed stalker vamp himself, Edward Cullen!
Audience: Yaaaaaaaayy!!!
-Edward appears with straight jacket and muzzle on-
-Much more screeching and squealing and screams are heard than usual from outside of the dome. The entire dome is surrounded by dozens of Twigirls, young and old alike. Some feint-
Edward: Bella Bella Bella Bella love love Bella love love Bella red red I see red! Rabbit rabbit death red blood blood Bella! –twitch twitch twitch-
Rachel: …
Janny: -appalled twitching-
Edward: I
WILL
KILL
NEWTON!
Everyone inside of the dome:… D=
Jenny: I'm scared.
Rachel: This is going to be a long chapter.
Edward: -goes from insane chanting to regular disposition- Where is Bella? Where is Renesmee? And Carlisle? And the rest of them?
Jenny: Arrrrgggh!!! –says random Latin words and Edward grows a dragon tail-
-Edward tries to catch it and eat it, but his muzzle stops him-
Rachel: Really Jenny? Really? A dragon tail? –disappointed sigh-
-a brighter, much more painful lash of lightning comes from the sky and hits Jenny-
Jasmine's voice: Jenny stop it! –takes away Edward's tail-
Jenny: You never let me have any fun!
Rachel: SHUT UP!!!!!! Can't you see I have a desperate patient here!?
-Edward is still trying to chase his no-longer-extant-tail. (AN: Extant was one of my spelling words! Aren't you proud of me? Sorry. That was uncalled for. Movingon.)-
Jenny: I see.
Jasmine: Wow.
Rachel: Edward? Can I call you Eddy?
Edward: No.
Rachel: Okay, Eddy. Why do you love Bella? Can you tell us that?
Edward: Bella sounds like pudding!
Rachel: Eddy! Pay attention! We all know that Bella sounds like pudding but you need to answer us so we can help you!
Pudding: I soooo do not sound like Bella, sistah! 'Dat man is craaaayyyzay!!
Rachel: Not now, Pudding! We'll talk about this later!
Jenny: PUDDING
-Jenny chases Pudding with a giant spoon and tries to eat it. Pudding is faster but then Jenny comes out from a burrow in the ground, grabs the Pudding and drags it down to her lair. Screaming is heard-
Rachel: …
Jasmine: …
Audience: …
Edward: BELLAAAA!! NOOOOOO!!!
Rachel: Sigh.
-Jenny comes out of burrow in the ground, carrying giant spoon with remnants of pudding-
Jenny: Yum! –is attacked by Edward, who is kicking since he has a straightjacket on-
Jasmine (from speaker): You know I think Edward is gonna be the smartest person we'll ever have on this show.
-Jenny trips Eddy with her awesome tripping skillz-
Jenny: IGNIS!! –fire comes out of Jenny's wand and misses Eddy's head, setting fire to the grass next to him-
Everyone (even the Twigirls): …
Audience Member56: You missed!?
Jenny: I WAS BLINDED!! … WITH RAGE!!
Grass: Holy crap what the heck!? I'm on fricking FIRE!
Rachel: Can we PLEASE get back to the session? My producer over there –points off screen- just spent the last five minutes since Jenny chased the pudding yelling at me and—Jenny did you really just miss Edward from point-blank range?
Jenny: Shut up!
Rachel: Okay okay jeez. Just put that fire out and we'll get back to the show.
-Jenny stomps on the grass that was on fire and sprays it with water from her wand-
Grass: You guys SUCK!!
-Really buff security guys take Edward and put him on a chair-
Edward: My father never liked me when I was little. Then again, I don't think I had a life when I was little….
Rachel(also sitting in a chair): Did you have goals, Eddy?
Edward: Yes! I used to have goals! They were to join the army and kill fiddy men in a war no one would remember!
Jenny: I had GOALS too, but you dragged me here instead!
Rachel: -sigh- We all had, goals, Jenny. But then something always happens to set things in motion that will get our goals all in a tizzy, like a clown selling you tangelos, or maybe a flower yelling "Flower Power!" and getting its hippie henchmen to join cults to end the world. You never know.
Edward: That was truly touching.
Rachel: Thank you, Eddy.
Jenny: Beautiful!
Jasmine: Did ANYONE just hear that? Anyone!?
Rachel: ANYWAY. Eddy, you are an obsessive stalker.
Edward: Is that even a mental illness?
Rachel: YES YES IT IS
Edward: Then how do you cure me of this?
Rachel: We don't.
Edward: Then this entire thing was a waste of my time!?
Jenny: Yeah! :3
Rachel: It's okay, Eddy. We do this because we hate you.
Edward: AAAARRGGGHh!!
-Before Edward can kill all of us, a Twigirl had finally broken through the glass. Hundreds of them come pouring in, running straight to Edward. Everyone runs out of the way, in fear of being trampled to death.-
Edward: OH MY GOSH SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-no one moves to help him, and Edward is carried away-
Everyone: YAAAAAAAAAAAAYY!!
Rachel: That's it for today, folks! Join us next time when we give Bella the therapy she undoubtedly needs!
-everyone partys-
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Okay, so don't think I'll update soon. I just wanted to give you a taste of what was coming, and I wanted to know how you'd react.
Again, don't expect anything quickly. But your reviews will make me update sooner, so…
Dr. Reminder says: Remember to R&R! :D