Title: Damaged
Author: Ashnan Etana
Summary: The meaning of untouchable.
Disclaimer: I don't own them. If I did… sigh …Oh, the things I could do with a certain Cajun and a growly butt-kicker. Makes my skin tingle just thinking about it.
Rating: G
Archive: Icould only dream that someone would want to archive my work.
Feedback: Yes, please. It always helps to know what others think, even if it's bad. But be supportive; don't flame just to be cruel.

Dreaming comes so easily
Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairytale
I'm damaged, so how would I know?

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm shamed and I need for you to know

Poor Rogue. I hear them say it. I see it in their eyes. I feel it come off them in waves. They pity me. They think they understand how sad it must be to be untouchable. They have no idea. It is so much worse than anyone can imagine. It's not just knowing that I will never be able to touch anyone, to love anyone; I could have dealt with that eventually. But that was before…when even I didn't understand what 'untouchable' really meant.

I do now. I understand completely. I understand more than anyone ever will. Before, I would have dreamed of touch and love in the way a girl dreams of a prince-charming. That's what I was, what I knew, a little girl. But all that was before; before…when I only had the memories of my own teen-age self and a teen-age boy. When I only had the idea of love.

Now I have so much more. I have the knowledge, the understanding, the full comprehension of what true love really means. I have Eric in my head. Everyone just sees him as the bad guy, as Magneto. He is so much more. Nothing and no one is that one sided. We are all a little good and a little evil, it just depends on perception. Eric has loved. He had a grand passion that poets can only dream of, and he lost her.

Sometimes I think I love Eric for that. His experiences are my own now. Sometimes I can't remember which are his and which are mine. Most of the time, I hate him for it. I hate him for having experienced something that I never will. I hate him for leaving me with this knowledge of true love. Before Eric I would have been able to easily deal with a lack of love in my life, eventually. But now, I will always be haunted by it. Who ever said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved is a complete idiot. You can't really mourn the loss of something you never had. I can now. I can feel the pain deep within. The pain is so all consuming that I don't know how I can keep breathing. How can my heart continue to beat when it rotting inside me?

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Logan. They all think I have some kind of crush and maybe I do. I think he is more of a dream. A dream of someone who might be able to love me someday. He touches me. He comforts me. But more importantly, he's not afraid of me. Everyone else is afraid. They try so hard not to show it. Some probably don't even realize that they are afraid of me. But I know. I see all the little things that no one else can see. I see the small flicker of fear in their eyes when I get too close. I see their quick glances to make sure I have no skin exposed. Even the professor is afraid of me.

Bobby is afraid of me. I can feel him stiffen just a little when I get close. I can see that slight hesitation before he takes my gloved hand in his. And I know that he will never be able to love me.

That leaves me to try to dream of Logan. I can feel comfortable with him. But I can't really delude myself. I know what love is. It's not about sex. Sex is something I can have. There are so many ways to work around that. Love is about the little touches that have nothing to do with sex. The little unconscious gestures and touches between two people in love. That is what I will never have. I want to believe that Logan took away my dreams of love when he left. He didn't. Eric took away my dreams when he gave me his memories.

I'm left without even the dream of love. I'm left with only the knowledge of a love that can never be. I can't get those dreams back. But how can a person live without dreams?

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Won't let anyone get close to me
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm shamed and I need for you to know

I want to scream out my pain. I want to force everyone to understand what agonyreally is. I want to shove the knowledge of what I am really missing down their throats. I want them to know what I know. But I can't. It doesn't work that way. Maybe they will learn someday. Someday when they love deeply and lose that love, they might understand.

So I pretend. We all pretend. They pretend to accept me and not fear me. I pretend that I am happy. That I don't recognize their fear for what it is. I pretend to be what I am not. I pretend to have what I have lost.

I walk the halls every day pretending to be Marie. I pretend to be the shy, sweet, unassuming teen-age girl that I will never be again. I pretend for myself more than for any of them. It is the last thing I have to cling to. At night, I know what I am. I know I am Rogue. During the day, I can fool myself into believing that I am still Marie.

There's only for my soul
And undo this fear
Forgiveness for a man
Who was stronger
I was just a little girl
But I can't look back

I forgive Eric for what he left me with. I forgive those around me for being unable to give me the love I want so much to have. I forgive myself for wanting what I can't have. I forgive myself for not letting Marie go sooner; for not embracing who I am and facing the future. I am Rogue. Maybe someday I will accept who I am and let all my dreams go. For now, it is easier to dream.