"You're in shock hun..."
"I'm in hell"
Hell is...
Hell is the moment you realise that she isn't coming back, that your own mum has walked out and she isn't coming back. That aged ten, you are completely on your own and the only person whose phone number you have is your emergency social worker Becky, who has always wanted to prise you away from your mum and put you in care.
Hell is the moment you wake up for the first time in the children's home to the sound of children screaming and adults shouting. The moment you scrunch your eyes up tightly and take yourself away to the beach in Spain where you went on holiday with your mum and dad five years ago, the last time you were truly happy. And then you remember, how happiness is an illusion and everyone leaves you in the end.
Hell is the moment you feel your new foster brother's hands under your clothes and that sick feeling returns to the pit of your stomach. The moment those memories you had blocked out of your step-fathers drunken actions come flooding back and you lash out at the boy pinning you to the sofa, knocking him out cold. When it hits you, that your brilliant foster parents are about to turn their back on you and return you to the home.
Hell is the moment you see the only person who ever really knew you break at your harsh words. The moment you stop being the tormented victim of the children's home and turn everyone's vicious attention towards the boy who is in love with you. The moment you destroyed your only ally to become leader of the pack and gave yourself the taste of power that carried you through your remaining years in the madhouse you had to call your home.
Hell is the moment you stand in front of your peers, having graduated top of the class, to give a speech about your student life. The moment you look out into the crowd to see a room of resentful faces, people you have crossed and manipulated to be standing on that stage, to be seen as top of the class. The moment you realise that you may be the best doctor in the world, but you are the only person in the room without anyone there to watch the proudest moment of all your lives.
Hell is the moment you lie unable to sleep in a bed next to a man you just prostituted yourself to for a promotion and realise you are actually in love with his son. The moment you have to force yourself to stay awake, as you see his face every time you shut your eyes. When for the first time in your life, you truly wish you could turn back the clock and open your heart to your sleeping companion's son. The moment you realise that love is more important than power, just as you destroy any chance of that love ever being declared.
Hell is the moment you stand immobilised in front of your locker, less than ten minutes after a man tried to rape you. The moment you realise that not only did no one warn you that this man was dangerous, they positively encouraged you to flirt with him to save the reputation of the hospital. When you acknowledge that people who are supposed to care for a living, don't even count you as a human being and you realise that neither do you anymore.
Hell is the moment you realise that the only party that will ever be held in your honour will be your wake and that even today, after you have been viciously assaulted, there is not a single number in your mobile you can call right now for comfort and support.
That, you aged thirty, twenty years after you were abandoned, are worth no more to the people you know now that you were to your precious mummy and daddy way back then.