Unbidden shadows of you formed yesterday
No matter how hard he tried he could not stop thinking about her. She consumed his thoughts at any given time. Part of him was unsure if he really wanted to stop the thoughts or if they provided some sort of minimal comfort.
He'd just shut the doors to the TARDIS after dropping Donna off back home. She had invited him to dinner, but he needed to be alone. His grief was interrupted by the greater need to save the Earth, and now he needed time to sit and mourn for his loss. The loss of his one and only love. It was Christmas, and he should have known that it would never be quiet. He'd actually forgotten how close Christmas had snuck up on him. His first one without her. Sure he'd had other Christmases alone…but to have one without her…it didn't feel right. Who was going to hold his hand now?
He felt the TARDIS probe his mind and attempted to offer her love. He touched the center console and he felt the link increase. She missed her too, and he could tell she was grieving just as badly as he was.
He leaned against the console and ran his left hand through his messy hair. It was eerily quiet in the TARDIS now. He couldn't hear her laughing down the hall. He smiled at the thought. When he first brought her aboard, it had felt so long ago now and he a different man now, he warned her the TADRIS could be a bit finicky and to simply go along. She had given him a puzzled look and left to explore. She had chosen a room and went to explore again. She thought she had remembered the correct way back, but the TARDIS had different ideas and liked to switch the halls around. He had simply thought that that was the way the TARDIS liked to test his new companions. So often they had complained to him to do something, intervene on their behalf. And he did, if they asked, he did. Inwardly he found it amusing.
He remembered sitting underneath the console at the time, tinkering away when she reappeared. So long and a regeneration ago, now.
'The rooms have changed!' she had said. She had crouched down to see him. He remembered sitting up and smiling. That daft old face.
'She does that, to everyone. Don't know why. Best to accept it.'
'I'll figure it out, I'll get better,' She had smiled and stood up. 'Just you wait!' And off she went. The TARDIS made a small sound that he interpreted as a challenge. He had her heard her laughing down the hall, obvious that the TARDIS had switched things on purpose that time.
He felt the TARDIS in his mind again telling him that was when she had instantly liked her. Her determination. But then the link went silent.
He headed down the hall towards his own room. He needed to feel safe. Usually safe was with her, ironically. After all she was the most jeopardy friendly companion he'd ever had.
But as he headed towards his own room, he had passed hers and he stopped dead. The TARDIS apologized profusely for not moving it fast enough but he simply put his hand on the wall in a feeble attempt to comfort her. He couldn't continue to avoid it.
Slowly he turned his gaze back to the door. Photos covered the door in organized chaos and he had smiled. So many memories, she had both his ninth and tenth regenerations, the ninth version of him didn't seem to be all that camera friendly, never looking directly at the camera but there were lots of her and Jack. Jealously still stabbed at him when he thought of them together. But as many as there were of Jack and her, there were more of him and her. Often he was looking at her, as she smiled for the camera. The one he could find of him looking at the device she had her eyes closed, kissing his cheek.
Memories flooded back so quickly he stumbled back, and he needed to leave. Again he began the journey to his own room.
It had been hours; it felt like, since he had sat in the chair off to the corner of the room. Why did it hurt so much? Why couldn't he stop from hurting?
I ran away to a room here on the bay
His thoughts were consumed to their last moments together. It hurt to remember her face, how broken she was, how devastating the blow came when he told her that she could never see him again. How he couldn't step through the crack and hug her, comfort her and tell her it was going to be ok. But she had her family there to comfort her and tell her it would be ok. Inwardly he knew, knew that he was also her family. Home, for her, was not in this strange parallel universe but with him. Travelling to wherever, but as long as they were together. And that's what he told her, he'd go on. Pretend it didn't hurt him as much as it did. He had hoped it would soften the burden she had to bear. Last of the Time Lords; go on travelling and saving the universes. But he knew she wanted to be there, to help him.
Donna had told him he needed someone. Someone to help control the anger that could build so quickly and he knew she was right. The Oncoming Storm was something that so utterly consumed him and it was so hard to bring him back from the edge.
Then his attention turned back to his Rose. How she confessed her love to him. He did too; from the moment he saw her and told her to run. But it had also scared him. He was afraid to love again. To open his hearts. For so long they had closed off to the affection of others. His hearts had been turned to stone and then buried in thick ice. He thought he'd never be able to feel a love like he'd known back on Gallifrey. But she was so utterly accepting of him, all his faults. Just so damned accepting. So why couldn't he tell her before this day, when the universes fought to keep them apart. He blamed the simple two minutes he had left. There was so much he wanted to tell her. Before she admitted her love, he was afraid to tell her. What if she had said no? But he knew she wouldn't have. So why didn't he tell her? Was it fear? She had promised him forever but both knew that it wasn't possible. She couldn't. She was human and he was a Time Lord. And he had told her. It would hurt him to watch that happen to someone he-…
He couldn't tell her then either. But he did love her. But he couldn't say it. Why couldn't he vocalize it? Even when he was ready to finally tell her, the universes laughed at him and closed the gap forever. Forever…
Interrupted life again, another new beginning
Where the silence echoes you're no longer with me
Life was slowly starting to have normalcy returning to it. He had to keep busy because if he didn't, it hurt. Any slight chance there was aliens involved he was there. Keeping so busy so he didn't have to hurt.
Then he met Martha, a doctor. Imagine that. This was it, another beginning; it's what he needed to move on. And they had had great adventures! Meeting Shakespeare, that was the one he was most proud of. How easily Shakespeare had seen through him. And meeting good queen Bess, well it was not the meeting he liked. Apparently he had done something he didn't remember doing. Hadn't happened yet…
He liked Martha sure, but he could tell she wanted more, he noticed the way she looked at him. When he would talk about Rose she looked so sad. When he mentioned that Rose would know how to solve the mystery involving the Globe Theater, Martha looked defeated. When they were running from The Family, and he showed her the sketch of Rose in the Journal of Impossible Things, she looked heartbroken. Even the human John Smith couldn't forget her. She had had a major impact on him.
Still, after Martha had gone to sleep and he remained the TARDIS console room, he'd think about her. The silence deafening. He'd remember when they would sit on the only chair provided, reminiscing about the day's events, laughing. How she would eventually get tired and fall asleep on him. His arm around her shoulders, drawing her closer. And the TARDIS dimming the lights, knowing full well that he wouldn't sleep but know that Rose appreciated it. And sometimes he did, just to stay close to her. To savor the moment.
Here and now, I feel that I'm embracing freedom
Even though I may be alone, but that's ok
It didn't mean that he didn't care for his other companions. It may have not been in the same way as he did for Rose but he always cared about them. When Martha was taken in New New York he would stop at nothing to find her, because he was responsible for her. And he was determined not to lose another companion. He would always keep them safe, always.
And then, as he and Martha moved more into a routine, he noticed that he was beginning to think of her less and less. It didn't mean that he had forgotten, how could he? But he knew he had to move on. He had known that the TARDIS had slowly begun to accept that she would never return and he was slowly starting to accept it with her. Every time he sought to think of her as a fond memory and not at the one goal he couldn't obtain, it freed his mind more. Making it easier to go on. But he still noticed that he didn't feel the connection with Martha as he did with Rose. The thing that did surprise him however, was the ease in which he had discussed Gallifrey to her. He had always wanted to talk about it to Rose, why didn't he? Did he forget? He wanted to share it with her, on many occasions. Describing it to Martha allowed for him to release a sense of guilt over what he did, taking more steps towards the freedom of forgiving himself.
Still, at night, in the console room, he was alone. And he thought of her, always her. He was alone, in a sense. That was fine, he had made another friend and he knew that's what Rose would have wanted. For him not to be alone. And he was ok with that, for now.
Through the darkness I would walk in the streets
Confessions never seemed to provide me with a release
And yet, when he had time to himself, he would wander. Sometimes, as Martha slept, he would land the TARDIS somewhere and walk the streets in the dark. It helped to clear his head. He needed to accept the fact that there was nothing he could do. He could not bend the rules of the universe to reunite with her. He told himself over and over it couldn't be done. He had rules that he had to maintain. It was his duty. His head could grasp that idea but his hearts refused to accept it. He would not bend his own rules to retrieve someone in a parallel universe. He wouldn't allow two universes to collapse because he had a confession to reveal to her. She knew, at least he hoped she did. Humans were funny like that; they needed to hear those words for confirmation. Actions were not enough for them.
Held me down and tried to cure me tried to give me reason
But nothing could separate this burdened mind from me
Martha did her best to try and replace Rose, he knew it and saw it in her actions. How quickly she fell for him. How desperately she wanted him to reciprocate her actions and feelings. But he couldn't, his hearts would always belong to her. Martha hoped that by replacing Rose; it would cure him of his internal loneliness. Desperately she tried. He imagined that she deducted that if she took Rose's spot he could move on, forget the past and accept his future. And quite quickly it was becoming awkward between them sometimes. But they had still had a great time together. Their adventures were brilliant. And she was smart, so clever, and so resourceful to figure out their problems when they were helping people.
But he ignored it, and tried his best to not lead her on. He didn't know what else to do. He tried to emotionally distance himself from her, hoping that it would help. But he relied on her just as he had with Rose, and he knew he shouldn't have. The truth was that he needed her. He needed someone with him. He was so lonely and he just finally had to accept it. He couldn't stand his own company for any length of time. If he was alone, he thought, thought about the past. It hurt to do that. However, even making this realization it didn't seem to help him any. His mind still clung to the past and he couldn't let it go. That's why he ran; running meant he didn't have to face it. Though now Rose was in the past, did he was to continually run from her?
Here and now, I feel that I'm embracing freedom
Even though I may be alone, but that's ok
And then Martha left. He was surprised, begged her to stay. She had just saved the world, how incredible she was! Amazed by her strength and resourcefulness, she truly was an amazing woman. Then he noticed her more, noticed how something had changed during the year that never was. Like she had lost a piece of her innocence, and that was something that could not be replaced. There was another revelation she made to him however. She couldn't wait. She couldn't wait any longer for him to notice her. Give her the same devotion he had for Rose. So she gather her strength and left because he knew that she deserved someone to dedicate their love to her. She deserved it and she was worth it. She had her own life to live and he accepted it couldn't be with him. She wanted her freedom.
As the TARDIS departed once again he looked around. So quiet once again. He headed towards his room needed time to process his next move. He asked the TARDIS to bring Rose's room to him, he wanted to see it and she obliged. He scanned the photos on her door to find the best. Carefully he took the one that showed him smiling at the camera and she kissing his cheek. Gingerly he held it in his hand and smiled. It didn't hurt as bad as it did the very first day. She was a joyous memory now. It freed him to know that while it still hurt to think of her, it brought him more joy. Slowly he headed to own room and went to the desk he had there. He grabbed a pen and turned the picture over, carefully he wrote her name down in the familiar Gallifreyan script. It made him smile and he carefully placed the picture on the table beside the bed.
It's ok now, if he was alone for a long time, it was ok. He had the best memories in the world to give him comfort.
And looking out to a different sky will disengage me
Absence is never the answer, I know, but it serves as my shade
All the places he visited with Donna he always looked at the sky. He would think about how Rose would have liked to see the things he saw, especially Pompeii. Again he found it liberating to look up and not feel the crippling anguish he once felt.
Donna asked when they met again if he had found his missing friend. For a moment it hurt, he hated having to explain what happened to her. Images would flash in his mind. How devastated she looked and when he thought about her pain it made him ache.
He knew that if he had the chance to find her, he would. But he knew that it couldn't happen. There would be no going back into time and was something he had accepted so long ago now.
Now he had adventures with Donna, that fiery red head. Again her words had come back to him. He needed someone. After allowing her to come she was so excited. He couldn't deny himself the pleasure that having companions brought him. When he confessed to her as she stood in the door of the TARDIS that things with Martha had complicated their relationship she had made a face. It was an odd one but it told him to go on. He confessed he wanted a mate, and she blew up. Misconstruing the meaning.
'You're not mating with me sunshine!' she declared. The though repulsed her. The look he gave was one of equal confusion. When they finally sorted out the miscommunication she was so happy to be allowed to travel with him. Her eagerness brought a smile to his face.
He enjoyed watching his companions grow as individuals and how their views changed him as well. She tried to make the world better by shouting at it. She was just as strong as the others. And he liked that. He deserved happiness, and denying himself companions was not the answer.
I do not seek and do not intend to find
The universes were funny, they really were. He had all but given up on the fact that he could never see her again.
When he had went to get Donna from the fortuneteller she was in a state of shock. What had happened? He had pressed her for information. Darkness was coming? What did that mean? A blonde had met her frequently? Could it be? Why couldn't he sense it? Then Donna widened had her eyes. She had been told to deliver a message to him. He had panicked, what did it mean? He had watched as she struggled to remember the message, looking at the ground trying to remember. All of a sudden her eyes had shot up at him. As she looked at him dead in the eyes she had stated the two most terrifying words he had ever heard. Bad Wolf. He remembered his hearts almost stopped and he ran outside. Everywhere, everywhere there they were. The two words. Bad Wolf. Plastered on posters, banners anything, everywhere surrounding him, engulfing him in fear. He had run to the TARDIS with Donna following behind him. It had to be impossible. Impossible! The walls were weakening…this was not good.
'Why don't you ask her yourself?' Confusion had spread across his face as he gaped at her. But she wasn't looking at him; her eyes were looking past him. Slowly he had turned around and looked at the figure off in the distance. There, even as the world was crumbling around them, there. He had stayed glued to his spot even as she began to run for him. Finally his head directed his feet to start running. Now, finally after all this time there she was. His Rose. Here with him now. The universes are cruel and it seemed that they were determined to keep them apart.
He remembered pain everywhere it hurt. But she was there holding him close he remembered her tears. The memories became intermittent after that. He didn't want to regenerate because he still had Rose to see. To hug. And she liked this form. Cassandra told her she did. And he heard it all. He remembered coming up with a plan before the regeneration took complete control. Things needed to be done. And they had a universe to save.
A calmer ocean or a sun that never will rise
He was a coward, always was and always would be. After dropping off all his companions he returned to the parallel universe, this was her home. He already had planned the next move, whether she liked it or not.
He remembered her face as she recognized where she was… Norway. Again. He remembered Jackie complaining about where they were but he couldn't take his eyes off her.
The ocean was calm this time; the wind was not blowing as wickedly as last time. It was as if the journey was concluding and nature was reflecting their hardships that they had endured. She was confused, he remained by the doors of the TARDIS with Donna, but the Meta Crisis version of himself followed Rose until she turned around. He told her that she couldn't come with her and again he watched her heart break. He tried to comfort her saying that the Meta Crisis was born during a war and had committed genocide, he couldn't be left to his own devices. Rose wanted to complain he could see her trying to form an argument but he hushed her. He told her that the Meta Crisis reminded him of his ninth incarnation when he met her. How damaged he was and how she had made him a better person. He watched at the clone version of him grabbed Rose's hand and he wished, prayed would have given anything to be the one holding her hand instead. He was tired, so tired of the universes laughing at his attempt to get her back. Nothing ever went right. Why? He talked his way out of it, said that the clone had the same memories, thoughts and feelings as he did. Again he remembered her mind thinking of an argument. Donna then told the Meta Crisis to tell her the other news. He did, he was human.
'I could spend it with you, if you like…' those spoken words broke his hearts. He desperately he wanted to be the one with Rose. She had walked closer to him and the Meta Crisis following her. Telling him, demanding of him, to finish the sentence he started on this very beach so long ago. It scared him. So many witnesses…once a coward always a coward. He couldn't, but he had wanted to. If he said it, she'd follow him, do whatever she could to find him. She wasn't accepting of the Meta Crisis, he wasn't her Doctor. She fought so hard to find him. She did and now he knew that she felt rejected. So she turned to the other version. All he did was whisper the words she so longed to hear and instantly she had kissed him.
He turned and left, it was too much to bear. In the end, the human had been braver than he could have ever hoped to be. He should take lessons from the humans. He thought he had learned from the emotions he felt as John Smith. But he didn't. Humans had such emotions that didn't always equate to anger as he did as the Oncoming Storm. They loved so fiercely, defended with their all and believed with all their might.
The TARDIS slowly faded away. The love of his life not by his side. The sun would never rise on their story again. He felt the TARDIS in his mind, devastated again. They did their best to comfort each other.
My world will never change and time will bring you to my thoughts
He was to die then. This was it, four knocks. That had started the beginning of the end. His song was ending. And it wasn't fair. Damn it all, it wasn't fair. He liked this body, loved it and now again, again it was not fair! He remembered his emotions as he looked at Wilf, why their connection mattered so. He was responsible for his death. And he flew into a rage. Wilf pleading to be forgotten and for him to leave. But he couldn't. He was a coward yes but not in situations like this.
He felt the radiation clawing at his system and he cried out from the pain. He thought of Rose to concentrate. How was she? Was she happy? Did she miss him as much as he missed her?
He stepped out humbled, Wilf congratulating him reassuring himself and him that he was ok. But he knew better. He wasn't that lucky. It was starting. What if he forgot her? No. He wouldn't let himself do that.
And the universes be damned, but he was going to collect his reward. Try to stop him this time he taunted silently.
And I'll move on and then forget you all over again
How beautiful even now. There she was, he saved her for last. Because he loved her, loved her forever. Oh, and her mother. But they parted ways and she was heading home. All he wanted was to watch but the pain became overbearing and he let out a small groan. She turned, his Rose.
'You alright mate?' she inquired, oh to hear her voice once again for the last time. Maybe the universes were ok after all.
'Ya…' he managed weakly, forcing himself to smile
'Bit too much to drink?' she inquired, her beautiful smile stayed in his mind
'Something like that…' it hurt so damned much but he wouldn't let his pain take this moment away from him.
'Maybe it's time you went home,' she had genuine concern in her eyes for his well-being. His Rose… He so desperately wanted to cup her face and apologize for all the pain that he brought her. She flashed him another beautiful smile and headed towards the Powell Estate
'What year is it?' he asked daringly, he just had to know. When she turned around she had a bemused look on her face.
'Blimey! How much have you had?' she asked jokingly. He maintained a serious exterior, willing himself through the pain. '2005, January 1.'
He smiled and nodded, again she headed to the door, looking back one last time and smiling.
He wanted to yell to her and apologize, for all the pain he would eventually bring her. For the mess of a man she'd meet in a few short months. Brooding pain in the ass he'd be for her. And yet, look how much better she made him, all without really trying, simply being herself. So grateful to have had her in his life.
Moving on, I can forgive you all over again
He stumbled back to the TARDIS, reality setting in. He didn't want to go. He listened so deeply to the Ood's song to him, singing him to his final sleep. But damnit it wasn't fair. All he wanted to do was to remain in this body, he didn't want to go. Just looking around his TARDIS with all his memories before him. Sarah Jane was right, he considered himself the loneliest man in all of the universes, but when push came to shove, he had the biggest family out there. And it gave him comfort to know that.
He looked at his hand, it would be any second now…could he forgive himself? For all the right and wrong he had done in this regeneration? It was hard to…but he had to for his sake. This version would soon die out and another man would walk away with his memories, and he didn't want that.
He panicked a bit…light beginning to expand, what if this new man wouldn't remember Rose? He didn't want to forget her…please he begged to someone, anyone. Don't let him forget her. He slipped his mind deeper into the Ood's song and let himself go. This new man would be born out of his reluctance to go. How would that affect things?
Here and now, I feel that I'm embracing freedom
Even though I may be alone, but that's ok
At first it was weird…he was worried he was a girl. Double-checking everything, fingers, legs and arms… all was good. So good he didn't realize the TARDIS erupting in flames behind him. His mind was racing, millions of thoughts forming and disappearing. Looking around he smiled. New adventures were about to begin and he was ready. Mentally he did not even worry about his previous regeneration's thoughts concerns or feelings. Things were too new.
And looking out onto a different sky it seems so easy
Absence is never the answer, I know, but it serves as my shade
Damn pool, how did the TARDIS land? Side, it had to be. He climbed out slowly looking at the sky it was night. How long had it been night for? Where was he, but there standing before him as a small girl in red rain boots. Adventures were about to begin he could feel it. It made him smile. Here in this strange place, alone under a new sky discoveries had to be made, adventures sought and the little girl looked up at him with awe.