This is just for laughs, nothing against any of the characters! Please laugh! :D
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, so none of this would ever happen, I hope...
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It was a crazy day at Hogwarts, and Ron and Harry were bungie jumping off the Whopping Willow, which was having tea with Crookshanks and Scabbers.
"Look Harry!" Ron screeched, and bungied off a branch. The branch broke, and he fell to the ground. "I'm ok." He got up, and fell again. When Harry started laughing as he bungied, his branch broke too and fell to the ground, singing "Row Row Row Your Boat".
MEANWHILE--------------------
Dumbledore was standing next to a closet. He told Neville there was cake in there.
"I don't like cake." Neville said.
"I DON'T CARE!" Dumbledore screamed and shoved Neville in the closet.
"Hey! It's so dark in here!" He fiddle with the handle. "How come the door won't open? What is this black thing. A dementor! PROFESSOR! HELP! It's sucking the life out of..."
"This never happened." Dumbledore said, slipping a $20 through the door crack.
IN THE LIBRARY-------------------
Hermione sat cross-legged, reading Witch's Weekly on the floor. Malfoy passed, and stared at her like she was some idiot.
"What are you doing Mudblood?" Malfoy asked snatching the Witch's Weekly out of her hands. "You're reading a magazine on the floor!"
"It's the new effcient way to read, it calms the nerves and dosen't hurt your butt." Hermione said putting her nose in the air.
"Whatever." Malfoy said. Suddenly, he took out his wand, pointed it at her mouth, and said, "TRUTHFULLIESTER!" Suddenly, Hermione started saying things she wished she hadn't said.
"I really don't like school, Snape's a git, I have a crush on a Slytherin." Malfoy then covered her mouth.
"What?" he asked. He smiled evily. "What Slytherin." Then when he removed his hand, she shouted,
"I've always wanted to see Malfoy in a tight speedo!" Then she ran off, leaving Malfoy looking at her like she just said she was pregnant with his baby, which she would of said if she hadn't run away fast enough. (A/N yes, she was hit with a truth telling spell...lol!)
BACK TO HARRY AND RON--------------
Harry was doing the Tango with Crookshanks, and Ron the same with Scabbers. They had spilt the tea in the lake, which poisned the squid, and made it break dance on the lake floor.
BBLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! A horn blared, and Ron jumped into Scabbers little arms, in fear. He caught him, which was weird, since Scabbers was ten times smaller and lighter than he was. Ron jumped into Crookshanks arms, and he squashed the cat.
TO THE GREAT HALL--------------
Dumbledore sat at the teachers table, then quickly stood up.
"Students, I am sorry to say, that Neville Longbottom was caught by a Dementor and killed." Dumbledore shook his head. McGonagall approached him, tapped his shoulder and screamed, "What $20 I gave the Dementor to kill Neville?"
The whole school gasped. McGonagall said he was crazy and everybody ignored it after that. When Hermione entered, she was blabbing stuff as she passed the tables.
"Cho is secretly overweight, it's just a spell. Malfoy looks good in tight clothes, I know secretly Pansy has implants."
In tears, Pansy through mashed potatoes at Hermione as she sat down, covering her head.
"Oh yes, that reminds me." Dumbledore said slowly, turning. "I have one more thing to say." Every patient waited. "WHO WANTS TO LICK THE SPOON?" He held up a spoon with cake batter on it, and in his other hand held a fat pink cake. The whole school unsion shouted, "ME!" They charged after Dumbledore as he ran out of the castle holding the spoon high. He found the Dementors he told to meet in front of the castle, and threw the spoon at them.
The front of the pack jumped for it, and were caught by Dementors, that of including Malfoy.
"DRACO!" Hermione screamed, jumping for him. She grabbed his cloak and tugged as hard as she could. Then she saw Ron, and pulled at his cloak too. Ron's flew off of him, and his pants were low. And she shouted,
"RON! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING WEARING A THONG?!" She didn't care about Ron anymore, grabbed Malfoy by the waist, and ripped him out of the Dementors grasp.
The spoon layed alone on the ground, no one had made it out of the Dementors clutches, other than Hermione, Draco, Harry, and a few other students who all ran around to the other side of the castle.
"What are we gonna do?" Ginny wailed. "RON WAS KILLED!" Hermione comforted her, and then Malfoy started punching Harry.
"STOP IT!" Pansy said crying. "I LOVE HARRY!" Suddenly the whole world went down the drain for Harry.
"What?" He asked, his eyes open wide.
"YOU HEARD ME!" Pansy screeched. "Just, kiss me you fool!" She chased Harry into the Forbidden Forest, puckering her lips.
"Well, that was too weird for comfort." Hermione said. "And Ron stole my thong." She covered her mouth, which kept moving and saying things, but thankfully muffled out by her hand.
BACK TO THE DEMENTORS AND DUMBLEDORE---------
"Get rid of the bodies! We can't have an evidence!" Dumbledore said.
"Clev shen shou neer laka?" A Dementor said.
"What? Well whatever, fine." Dumbledore said. It was a mistake to agree with them of course, because in English it meant, "Can we put the bodies in your office? Then take your soul?" Oh well, what Dumbledore dosen't know might hurt him.
"Hmm..." he said looking around as the Dementors floated into the castle holding bodies over the shoulders and in their hands. He saw Ron pass on a Dementors shoulder and didn't see a pretty sight. "Ugh, wait a minute? Where on earth are they?" His eyes turned to slits. I have to find them. Three Gryffindor, two Slytherins, and a few Ravenclaws. I know they are hiding from us, THEY CANNOT TELL ANYONE!" Dumbledore had just realized with their escape, they could report all the deaths to the Ministry, and Dumbledore would be fired.
"GREAT!" He shouted. "I must find them..." And so, with that, he hopped on his flying vacum cleaner, and flew around the castle in search of the living students.
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This first chapter had a lot of events. Please review, and I'll post more chapters! Isn't this story riduculous? I just love making them make no sense! :P It's so much fun! Don't worry, in the end all the students will be alive! (Well, except for Neville, maybe... :D)