A/N: Woohoo, back again! Commencing obligatory author's note reminding you that Gorgeous Carat is not mine and begging you not to sue me. Also, inserting gratuitous Review Whore Pleading. Wahey! .

This is dedicated to my smoking vixen Astraplain, who pretty much single-handedly keeps this corner of the site up and running and full of delicious oneshots! Also to my dearest darling, Sara-chan, who will have fangasms over Cantarella but is apparently too good for Gorgeous Carat. I'm telling You Higuri on yooooou…)3

Characters:

Ray: Aladdin

Florian: Princess Jasmine

Laila: Sultan…ess

Noel: Abu/Rajah

Soloman Sugar: the Genie

Mr. Evil McEvilpants Jr.: Jafar

Louise Tassel in a Parrot Costume: Iago

Ray's Misc. Underlings/Random Side Characters: Extras

Narri: Muhahahaaa! THIS is much more like it…I don't know what I was thinking, writing serious prose, humor is my muse anyways…(SPONTANEOUSLY attacked by pretty much EVERYONE complaining about their roles)

Ray: I don't suppose you realize you've just made me DESTITUTE?!

Narri: Ah-ah-ah, "temporarily" destitute. You'll get over it. NEXT!

Florian: You made me a woman!! What is WRONG with you?! And what is with this revealing costume?! Do I not have enough authors feminizing me ALREADY?

Narri: Nope. And trust me, you're working that costume. But put a little more swish in those hips. (spanks)

Florian: (dumbstruck)

Narri: NEXT!

Laila: Uhm, I'm good.

Narri: Good.

Noel: Wheeee! (runs around in Tigger costume, growling)

Narri: No more sugar for him. (slaps a hand over Louise's mouth) And I don't wanna hear one complaint out of YOU. Think of this as serving your time.

Louise: (glares)

Narri: Monsieur Sugar? Satan? Are you both okay with your parts? (mutters) Because NOBODY here's getting reassigned…

Azura: No, this will do. (smirks at Florian)

Florian: (hugs self, shivering spastically)

Solomon: (raises hand) Do I have to fit in the lamp? It's relatively impossible.

Narri: Nah, don't worry about it, we'll just throw some smoke bombs and make some movie magic. Don't worry about a thing, kiddo. You stay beautiful. (snaps, winks)

Solomon: (slightly unnerved) O-okay…

Narri: Grrrrr-REAT! Let's get this party started, people! PLACES!! (claps happily)

Cast: (slouches off to their respective corners, grumbling indiscriminately)

Narri: Aaaaaand…ACTION!

PART 1, SCENE 1:

(Scene begins with old man Isaac riding in on a camel, and singing horribly, we might add. Earplugs are on sale at the concession stand for $3.50.)

Isaac: Oh, I come from a land in a far away place where the caravan camels roam, where it's flat and immense and the heat is intense, it's barbaric, but hey, it's home! When the winds from the east, and the suns from the west, and the sand in the glass is right, come on now, stop on by, hop on a carpet and fly to another Arabian Night. Arabian niiiiiii-ight, like Arabian daaaaaa-ys! More often than not, or hotter than hot in a lot of good ways! Arabian niiiiiii-ights, 'neath Arabian moooooo-oons!! A fool off his guard will fall and fall hard up there on the dunes…

(assorted booing from offstage)

Isaac: Ah, shaddap, ya bunch of disrespectful whipper-snappers! (gets off camel creakily) Ohhh, my back! …Well, salaam and good evening to you all. Please, come closer. (camera zooms in so close it is squished against his face) Not THAT close! Dammit, move away!

Ray: (snickers)

(camera decides to respect Isaac's personal space and moves a good distance away)

Isaac: That's more like it. Now…welcome to Morocco, home of mystery…and enchantment.

Narri: And really good shit, man.

Florian: (shudders)

Isaac: SHUT UP! …Ah, yes. And , uhm, we're having the finest sale right here today! (unloads a bundle of assorted plastic Tupperware from the camel)

Narri: My kitchen is so empty…

Ray: Like your soul? (lights cigar)

Narri: …Like YOUR soul…

Isaac: Look at this, yes, look at this. This is a genuine food processor from America, it even makes fries! It will never break! (taps item on desk) It will never… (item breaks) …It broke. (tosses item away) Oh, look at this. (takes out another item) This is the famous Glad Tupperware. Listen… (opens it, while no sound comes out) …um…ah! Still good.

Narri: Well, I am a little comforted by the fact that my kitchenware has not started to speak…

(camera begins to move away from Isaac)

Isaac: Wait, wait! Hmpf, cheap customer. I can see that you are more interested in stuff like this. (takes out a curry pot) Do not be fooled by its delicious appearance, for it is the inside that counts.

Narri: Yes, sometimes I forget to wash it.

All: EWWWwwwww…

Isaac: This is no ordinary curry pot! It once changed a young man's life.

Solomon: (smiles innocently) Yes, a VERY young man…

Ray: (glares venomously)

Isaac: Perhaps you would like to hear the tale? Well, it begins on a dark night, where a dark man waits, with a dark purpose…

Narri: Our budget is low, we can't afford that much lighting.

Ray: Aha.

SCENE 2:

(camera moves in on a sand dune, where Azura and Louise, fully costumed, are waiting on a horse. Florian's Uncle Maurice comes running up the sand dune, out of breath)

Florian: What?!

Narri: I needed someone…disposable. (smirks sadistically)

Ray: You're almost as bad as Azura, you know that?

Narri: I disagree. I have never raped any pretty French boys.

Florian: Uhm… (sense of self-preservation kicking in) Can I go now?

Narri: No, now everybody shush! …Including myself! Shh! Who's making that noise? …Oh, it's me again.

Azura: You're late.

Maurice: So? I'm dead.

Azura: You have it, then?

Maurice: Of course. (pulls out half of a kit-kat bar)

Narri: Didn't I say funding was low?

Solomon: That's kind of sad, even for me.

Florian: Even for ME.

Narri: All of you are welcome to chip in at any time…

Azura: (takes kit-kat bar and holds up other half) The prize for this will surely be rewarding…

(Azura puts the pieces together, and the bar grows wings and flies off. The cast all rub their eyes in disbelief and wonder if the authoress has gotten into Azura's stash)

Azura: After it! (rides after it on horse, Louise falling off and having to run behind with Maurice)

Louise: (grumbles) Rssrgrflmbmgrrwl…

(The candy bar lands on a spot in the sand, which grows bigger, into a giant cave of sand.)

Disembodied Voice Sounding Suspiciously Like Narri: WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER?

Florian: Is that her? (looks around)

Narri: (offstage) Pay no attention to the girl behind the curtain!!

Azura: (kicks Maurice forwards) Well? Get on with it!

Maurice: (clears throat) Uhm…it is I, a humble thief.

Ray/Florian: You got THAT right…

Louise: Oh, great, now we're NEVER going to get it. Thanks a lot, idiot!

Maurice: Hey, YOU want to walk in here and get the thing? …Yeah, I thought so! So shut up!

Disembodied Voice: THE ONLY ONE WORTHY OF ENTERING ME IS THE DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH.

All: (loud/spontaneous/suspicious coughing)

Ray: Ew. No thank you.

Disembodied Voice: OH, SHUT UP, YOU GUYS...

Azura: Would you just go get the thing already? (pulls out handgun)

Maurice: Eep! Okay, okay! (steps into the cave hesitantly)

(Offstage, a lever is pulled, and badabing, badaboom, a trapdoor opens under Maurice's feet and he falls through. Screams of agony are heard from below.)

Narri: Heehee.

All: o.0;

(The Cave of Wonders collapses in on itself, leaving Azura and Louise standing in the desert.)

Disembodied Voice: (at the last second) Seek the out the diamond in the rough…

Florian: (to Ray) Isn't that something you stole once?

Ray: (looks uneasily at Solomon) I don't know what you're talking about…

Louise: …Well, THAT was pointless. NOW how are we going to get in there?

Azura: Patience, Iago. It seems I must find this one who was spoken of. This…diamond in the rough…

All: (experience simultaneous shudders)

Florian: He's too good at this part...

Azura: Why, thank you. (smirks)

Florian: 0.0; (hides behind Ray)

Narri: Roll to the next scene!

SCENE 3:

(Camera zooms in on a city rooftop, where Ray is running from several of his men who are dressed up as palace guards, and dragging Noel (in a monkey suit) along by his tail. Narri wishes all the time and effort she put into reassuring Ray's followers that they would NOT be punished for this scene to be dully appreciated. She is accepting money and more kit-kat bars, as the baddies ate her last one after scene 2.)

Henchmen #1: Get back here, you thief! (brandished rubber sword)

Solomon: Now THAT'S ironic.

Noir: All lies!!

Henchman #2: I'll take your eyeballs for a trophy, boy!!

Florian: No, THAT'S ironic.

Ray: All this for a loaf of bread and—(glances at Solomon)—uhm, nothing else… (jumps off of roof, lands on an inconspicuous pile of mattresses) Wow, lucky.

Noel: I'm dizzy… (stomach growls)

Ray: Suck it up, kid.

Group of Black Hand Henchmen in Drag: (effeminate giggling)

Ray: Eww. Uhm…good morning, ladies.

Black Hand #1: (girly voice) Getting into trouble a little early today, aren't we, Ray?

Ray: Trouble? Ha! You're only in trouble if you get caught!

Ray's Henchman #1: (grabs his vest) Gotcha!

Ray: Oh, snap.

Noel: (dumps flower vase onto Henchman #1's head)

Ray: Good timing, kid. (grabs Noel and the bread and runs)

Henchman #42: AFTER HIM!

Ray: (begins to sing really badly, worse than Isaac) Gotta keep…one jump ahead of the breadline, one swing ahead of the sword…I steal only what I can't afford, and that's everything! One jump ahead of the lawmen, that's all, and that's no joke…these guys don't appreciate I'm broke. (climbs to top of rickety wooden structure)

Henchmen: (begin throwing random props lying around at Ray, including leftover Easter eggs, a plush armchair, and a large wooden rabbit) Riffraff!! Street rat!! Scoundrel!! Take that!!

Ray: Just a little snack, guys… (dodges a flying coatrack)

Henchmen: (shake structure) Rip him open, take it back, guys!

Ray: I can take a hint. Gotta face the facts… (leaps into nearby window) You're my only friend, Abu.

Noel: Huh?

Ray: Not really.

Various Female Side Characters, Including Florian in Drag (which, let's face it, is better than the Black Hand guys): Oh, it's sad, Ray has hit the bottom…he's become a one-man rise in crime…

Solomon: Duh.

Eleanora: (softly) I'd blame parents, except he hasn't got them…

Ray: Hey! You should talk! …Uhm… (sings)…gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat, tell you all about it when I've got the time…

Florian: (shoves Ray out the window) We're CHANGING in here!!

Ray: (sees Henchmen at the end of the alley and runs) Damn! One jump ahead of the slowpokes, one skip ahead of my doom…next time I'm gonna use a nom de plume…

Solomon: (innocently) Oh, like "Noir", perhaps?

Narri: I knew you'd have fun with this.

Ray: (still running and singing) One jump ahead of the hitmen, one hit ahead of the flock…I think I'll take a stroll around the block… (jumps neatly over a dude lying on some spikes, followed by all the Henchmen, none of whom land on Spike Dude. Spike Dude counts his lucky stars and decides to use this second chance to turn his life around, converting to Buddhism and going to live in the mountains of southeast Peru in peace with the llamas.)

Henchmen: Stop, thief! Vandal! Outrage! Scandal! (corner Ray against a doorframe)

Ray: Let's not be too hasty…

Solomon in Drag: (opens the door, scoops Ray up in his arms) Still, I think he's rather tasty—

Ray: ACK!! (gone like the Republican control of the Senate)

Narri: (lolling madly) Ohhh, YOU are getting a bonus!! (glomps Solomon)

Solomon: But you're not paying us.

Narri: In Monopoly money I am…

Ray: (still shuddering) Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat…otherwise, we'd get along.

Henchmen: WRONG!! (tackles space where Ray was standing, only to find him gone)

Noel: (jumps in front of Henchmen, growling rabidly) ROAR!

Laila: Does he realize he's just a monkey?

Half the Henchmen: AAAAAAUUGH, A MONKEY!!! (run away screaming)

Laila: …Well. That was unexpected.

Narri: (to Florian) Yyyyyeah, good luck teaching him table manners after this.

Florian: (sobs)

Ray: One jump ahead of the hoofbeats…

Henchmen: Vandal!

Ray: One hop ahead of the hump…

Henchmen: Street rat!

Ray: One trick ahead of disaster…

Henchmen: Scoundrel!

Ray: They're quick, but I'm much faster…

Henchmen: (swinging rubber swords) Take that!!

Ray: (takes rug and heads for window) Here goes, better throw my hand in, wish me happy landin'…all I gotta do is–NO!! I'm not jumping!!

Noel: (running after Ray, jumps on his back, sending them both falling out of the window)

Ray: ACK!! (grabs the ends of the rug and parachutes down gently to the ground) Whew. (halves the bread with Noel and starts chowing down)

Fatima and Some Kid We Grabbed Off the Street: (look hungrily at the bread)

Ray: (throws it at them) Here, it tastes like paper.

Kids: WOOHOO!! (runs off with the bread)

Ray and Noel: (walk off toward a nearby street, mingling with a crowd watching a parade go by)

Black Hand Henchman #7: Look, it's Prince Michel, on the way to the palace, I suppose.

Black Hand Henchman #4: Another suitor for the princess.

Florian: (offstage) PRINCE!!

Fatima and Random Kid: (run into the street, giggling) We're brain-dead, we're brain-dead! Yaaaay!

Narri: NO IMPROV!!

Florian: How does it feel to be mocked by children?

Narri: You're about to know how it feels to be written into an explicit sex scene with Jafar.

Florian: (runs out screaming)

Michel: (almost runs over the kids) HEY! Watch it, you brats!

Ray: (jumps in front of the kids) If I were as rich as you, I could afford some manners!

Michel: Aren't you richer?

Ray: …Beside the point.

Michel: Hmpf! Ruffian! You were born a street rat, you'll die a street rat, and only your pretty manslaves will mourn you! (sashays into the palace)

Florian: (head in hands) I REALLY want to go now…

Ray: Asshole. C'mon "Abu", let's go…err…"home". (they walk approximately four feet away and curl up in an empty refrigerator box. Noel falls asleep pretty much instantly, while Ray happily plots the authoress's bloody demise.)

Narri: (makes a bonfire out of Ray's whip and other confiscated weapons) Mmmm…toasty.

A/N: Stay tuned, sports fans! X3