TITLE: Ralphy Doo
AUTHOR: Bibi the
Magnificento!
DISCLAIMER: You know, I really wish I owned
these characters, but I don't. I really wish I owned the show, but I
don't. And I guess it would be
interesting to own Scooby Doo or Happy Gilmore, but I don't really
care. I think it would be awesome
to own the Monkees, but you know the drill. Oh, and I also don't own *N Sync, even
though I guess I wouldn't mind having a few of them in my
harem.
SUMMERY: Um, a parody of Scooby Doo a la
X Files. Fox and Dana (which sounds
so much awfully like Fred and Daphne) get into spooky trouble with their crazy
gang of mystery hunters and their poodle Ralphy Doo in a haunted
mansion.
SPOILERS: Maybe Home, Quagmire and
Irresistible. Heck, it's all utter
nonsense anyway.
EXCUSE: It's
midnight again, and if you've read Midnight Madness, then you'll understand.
Ralphy Doo
'Ralphy Dalphy Doo,
where are you? We've got some work
to do now. You know we've got a
mystery to solve so Ralphy Doo be ready for your act, don't hold back. And Ralphy Doo if you come through your
gonna have yourself a Ralphy Snack!
That's a fact!"
It was a dark, spooky night, complete with a full moon. The gang all piled into the Rental
Machine on their search for a crazy and kooky mystery! The gang consisted of Fox, Dana, Reyes,
Doggy and their smart but scaredy-cat poodle, Ralphy Doo.
"Hey Fox," Dana said. "Why don't we go for a drive through
that overgrown, creepy looking wood?"
"Okay, Dana," he replied.
"It sounds like super fun."
"More fun than watching porn?"
Reyes asked from the back seat.
"No," Fox said, "Nothing is more fun than watching
porn!"
[Laugh
Track]
"Ri'm rungry!"
"Here Ralph, ole buddy,"
Doggy said, "Have a Ralphy
Snack!"
Then, all of the sudden, their back left tire
popped!
"Zoikes!" exclaimed Doggy, who jumped into Ralphy Doo's arms. "What was that?"
"Relax, Doggy. That's just
the tire," Reyes answered.
"Oh. I thought it was my
ex-wife trying to shoot me."
[Laugh
Track]
The gang all piled out of the Rental Machine and gathered around the
tire.
"Jinkies, Fox!" Reyes exclaimed.
"You just ran over an Alien Ice Pick! And look, there's the alien that was
using it!"
Sure enough, there was a little gray man under the back right tire. Ralphy Doo clung to
Doggy.
"Ri'm rared!"
"Me too!"
Fox held Dana protectively.
"Is it dead Reyes?"
"I can't tell by looking, but I think so…Ralphy, stop. That's not food!"
"Rorry," said Ralphy, backing away from the alien and giving a sheepish
grin.
[Laugh
Track]
Then all of the sudden the alien lifted the Rental Machine off it's chest
and stood up, making the standard scary monster noise.
"I will abduct you alllllllllllll."
It said and then beamed up to a space ship. One trail down a wayward cow was beamed
up as well.
"Moo!"
"Zoikes," said Doggy.
"I'm handsome," said Fox.
Dana nodded.
"And I look good in purple!"
Reyes shook her head. "I
think we should investigate!"
So the gang made their way to the spooky and foreboding looking mansion
on the hill just on the edge of the overgrown, creepy woods. After all, Doggy and Ralphy Doo were
hungry.
When they got to the mansion, Fox boldly knocked on the door. No one answered.
"Think we should just go in?" he asked. The were about to when a voice stopped
them. It was Sheriff Andy Taylor's
good ole deputy Barney! He looked
young and slightly handsome, but sounded just like Don Knotts.
"Halt! Who goes there?" He shined his flash light at
them.
"It's Barney Fife," exclaimed Dana.
"It's Paster. Barney
Paster."
[Laugh
Track]
He lowered the flash light with a shaky hand. Boy, did he seem nervous! He motioned them aside. "You kids shouldn't be out here on a
night like this, at this spooky and foreboding looking mansion on the hill just
on the edge of the overgrown, creepy woods. Strange folks live
here."
"But we just saw an alien and a space ship," Fox explained. "We came here to
investigate."
"Well, in that case, let me lead the way." Barney swung the door open and out of no
where an axe swung forward and chopped his head off!
----------------
SPECIAL
BULLITIN!!!!
Due to the grotesque nature
of this fanfic, Home, uh, we mean "Ralphy Doo" will not be
aired at it's place in the Thanksgiving Marathon countdown. Stay tuned at 10 pm to watch…uh, read
"Ralphy Doo." We now return you to
your regularly programmed fic.
----------------
"Zoikes!"
"Jinkies!"
"The house is booby trapped!"
exclaimed Fox. Doggy
gulped.
"B-b-booby trapped?"
[Perilous
music!]
"Well, we'd better go inside and look around," said Dana. They all stepped over Barney's lifeless
and now headless body and made their way inside. They were greeted by a rich looking chap
in a lounge robe, who looked mysteriously a lot like the Well Manicured
Man.
"I thought you were dead," Fox said, while scratching his
head.
"Dead?" the WMM questioned.
"What do you kids think you are doing here at this spooky and foreboding
looking mansion on the hill just on the edge of the overgrown, creepy
woods? You are trespassing on my
property!"
"Ooooh," said Doggy. "Nice
accent!"
"Reah," chipped in Ralphy Doo.
"Thank you."
"We're investigating an alien sighting," Reyes said, pushing her glasses
back up her nose. "The spaceship
abducted a cow!"
"Moo!"
"Well, in that case, you can stay here to investigate as long as you
like!"
"Good," Dana said, "Because
the Rental Machine has a flat tire anyway."
"What's your name, anyway, sir,"
asked Doggy.
"Justin Timberlake."
[Laugh
Track]
"The Justin Timberlake,"
exclaimed Dana.
"Wow!"
"No, you ninny. It's an
unfortunate coincidence. I'll have
my maid, Marita, take you to your rooms."
Marita stepped forward.
"This way," she said in a German accent, because everyone knows that all
maids are German and used to be gymnasts.
They followed her to their rooms.
One for Fox, Doggy and Ralphy Doo, and the other for Reyes and
Dana.
In the boys' room, Fox was soon fast asleep, his little sailor outfit
hanging on a hook by his bed. But
Doggy and Ralphy were too hungry to sleep.
"Come on Ralphy ole boy.
Like, let's go find some grub!"
"Reah, rub!"
[Laugh
Track]
They wandered down to the kitchen, whereupon they found the sumo
wrestlers wet-dream: a fridge that
took up the space of an entire room!
They stood there for about an hour admiring and gazing. Then they ate everything they could get
their hands on: celery, cheese sticks, bacon, turkey bacon, turkey, turkey ham,
salami, pastrami, kibbles and bits, some alien fetuses- wait! Alien fetuses?
"Nah."
So they gorged and gorged and gorged. Ralphy Doo even had some
lettuce.
"Rummy!"
Then they felt a spooky hair raising presence with them in the
fridge. Doggy backed up and grabbed
onto Ralphy's paw.
"Ralphy ole pal, did you feel that?"
"Ruh? Ri'm rover
rere!"
Doggy's eyes got really wide.
"Th-th-than who's paw am I-"
Doggy turned around to see…THE GHOST OF QUEEQUEG!!!
[Perilous
music!]
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Boo-ark!" Queequeg
proceeded to chase them about the fridge while happy late sixties songs
played.
"Freakin' out in the afternoon,
Lookin' at a daytime moon.
Talk to me, I'll talk to you,
Do you know what you do?
Yeah, you tear the top right off my head
Blow my mind.
I'm goin' blind."
-Tear the Top Right Off My Head, The Monkees.
Then Queequeg lost them when they ran into a living room that was upside
down. He looked all around for
Doggy and Ralphy Doo, but couldn't find them. So he floated off down the hallway. Ralphy and Doggy popped out of the vase
they were hiding in, with flowers in their hair.
"Phew," said Doggy. "That
was close."
But wait! Queequeg hadn't
really left! So the chase resumed
and he chased them all the way to the room that Fox was sleeping
in.
"Fox! Help," Doggy said,
slamming the door behind him and trapping poor Ralphy Doo outside. Ralphy pounded on the
door.
"Reah, relp! Relp
re!!!!"
[Laugh
Track]
In the other room, Reyes and Dana woke up.
"What's all the racket," Dana asked. Reyes opened the door, and Ralphy
clumsily ran inside.
"Rhost! Rhost," Ralphy
said. Reyes saw Queequeg and
gasped.
"Jinkies! It is a
ghost!"
"Quick, Reyes," Dana
shouted. "What do we
do?"
She leaned against the dresser and accidentally knocked over a
candle. A secret passageway opened
up in the wall.
"Look, Dana, you found a passageway! Let's find out where it
leads!"
So Reyes, Dana and Ralphy Doo went along the passage way. When they got to the end, it opened into
Fox and Doggy's room! They quickly
put their knowledge together and decided the best bet was to split up and search
for a solution.
"Doggy, you, Reyes and Ralphy search the passage way and see if you can
find any more openings," Fox dictated.
"Dana and I are going to search this dark, secluded
closet!"
"Okay!"
So they went their separate ways, no one wondering what Dana and Fox
could possibly find in a dark, secluded closet with no where to look. In the passageway, Reyes found a peep
hole that was most likely going through a painting of some dead president. She looked
through.
"Jinkies! I can see Justin
Timberlake, now! And he's with the
other Justin Timberlake! They're
talking to an alien!"
"Ralien," whimpered Ralphy.
"Ret's ro."
"Quiet, Ralphy. I can't hear
what he's saying!"
"So, Mr. Alien dude. You're
saying that, like, when the world is taken over by aliens, we get to rule North
America, own the Ice Cream factories, have our own private harems, and wear lots
of ice around our necks?"
"No," the alien said impatiently.
"We just want you to kill Brittany Spears!"
"Oh," the *N Sync boy said.
"But do we get all that stuff when the world is taken over by
aliens?"
"Sigh…sure."
"Rad!"
[Laugh
Track]
"Jinkies," Reyes said.
"We've got to stop them Doggy.
Quick, let's find Fox and Dana."
"Reyes," Doggy said, "Did it ever occur to you that Fox and
Dana always get to go search together when we split up?"
"Yeah."
"And doesn't that seem strange?"
"No."
"Okay, just checking. Let's
go!"
[Laugh
Track]
Meanwhile, in the closet…
"Oh Fox! You're so
foxy!"
"Oh Dana! You're
so…Danish?"
"Oh no," Dana said, "We've been so busy in this closet, we haven't
actually searched anywhere! Hurry,
let's go find some room and act like we got trapped in there through some sort
of trap door!"
"Okay!"
So Dana and Fox found a room and pretended to be trapped, shouting for
Doggy and Reyes all the time. Soon,
the others came to their rescue.
"Justin Timberlake and Justin Timberlake are helping the aliens take over
the world," Doggy
said.
"Reah!"
"And *N Sync is going to kill Brittany Spears," Reyes added.
"Nooo," Fox said.
[Laugh
Track]
Well, they all decided they needed to come up with a way to get rid of
Queequeg's ghost before they would be free to stop the Justin
Timberlakes.
"Why don't we come up with an elaborate system to catch him under a
sheet," suggest Fox.
"No," said Reyes, "Dana will just trip over a chord or hit the wrong
button and screw it up again."
"Hey," Dana said defensively.
"We always prevail in the end anyway."
"Wait," Doggy said, "I've
got a solution!"
He wouldn't tell them anything but that they needed to get Queequeg to
follow them around and bring him to the lounge at exactly 2 am. where he'd meet
them with a special someone.
So Queequeg chased them all around some more to more happy late sixties
songs.
"I'm sleeping and right in the middle of a good dream
like all at once I wake up from something that keeps knocking
at my brain
Before I go insane I hold my pillow to my head
and spring up in my bed screaming out the words I dread
I think I love you (I think I love you)"
-I Think I Love You, The Partridge Family
They sneakily led him to the living room where they saw Doggy standing
with…
"Chubbs Peterson from Happy Gilmore," Reyes exclaimed. "Jinkies!"
[Laugh
Track]
Queequeg stopped to ponder this.
Chubbs walked forward.
"Hey there, Queequeg. I feel
your pain, man. You were eaten by a
crocodile, my hand was eaten by a crocodile. Let's go grab ourselves a coffee and
chat."
"Boo-ark!"
So Queequeg happily floated off with Chubbs.
"Wow, Doggy," said Fox. "Good idea! Now, on to catching Justin Timberlake
before the aliens take over!"
"What about *N Sync," Doggy
asked.
"Reah!"
"Oh, let them kill Brittany.
There's tons of little Brittany clones in the music industry anyway,"
said Reyes. "Ralphy, we need you to
lure the well manicured Justin Timberlake!"
"Ruh uh," he said.
"Not for a Ralphy Snack?"
"Ruh uh."
[Laugh
Track]
"Two Ralphy Snacks?"
"Ruh uh."
"Four Ralphy Snacks, and that's my final offer!"
"Rokay!"
[Laugh Track with added in
snort]
So they grabbed a nearby sheet to capture WMM Timberlake in. They ran around through the spooky and
foreboding looking mansion on the hill just on the edge of the overgrown, creepy
woods, chasing him and thwarting the aliens, until finally, after Dana tripped
over a few rugs and Fox paused to look in a mirror, and Ralphy and Doggy
quivered in each others arms, Reyes plopped the sheet down on Justin. The policemen, who had mysteriously just
shown up, gathered around. I mean,
where were their lazy asses when the alien abducted that
cow?
"Moo!"
[Laugh
Track]
"Okay, gang," said Fox, "Let's uncover the
criminal!"
The pulled the sheet off Justin Timberlake, but it wasn't him! It was-
"Marita," exclaimed Reyes.
But that was a mask, and it was really-
"Dr. Parentay," exclaimed Doggy.
"It's Parenti," yelled Dana.
"Get it right!"
But that was a mask too, and it was really-
"Langley?" Fox
gasped.
But it was obvious that it was just a really ugly mask of Riff Raff from
Rocky Horror Picture show, and it was really-
"John Stewart," Dana gasped.
"I love you!"
[Laugh
Track]
But that too was a mask!
They pulled it off to reveal-
"Brittany Spears!" Fox
panted. "I love you more than my
porn!"
"Wait, Fox," said Reyes. "That's just a wig. Brittany Spears is a
man!"
They pulled off the wig to reveal that Brittany spears was not only just
a man, but-
"Skin-man?!" they all chorused.
"Jinkies!"
"Zoikes!"
"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling
kids," Skinner said. "Justin
Timberlake was going to marry me!"
"Which one," asked Doggy.
"Does it matter," Skinner asked.
"I had a good pop career going and a good alien conspiracy
too!"
"Good job, kids," said the cop.
"You really know how to catch your criminals."
And they hauled the pansy away in the paddy wagon. And then they all went back to the
overgrown, creepy woods and patched up the flat tire on the Rental Machine and
drove to the nearest Ice Cream place where they ate ice cream and discussed porn
(except for Dana, who ate a low-fat tofutti rice dreamsicle). Ralphy and Doggy ate nine celery and
cheese stick shakes, and Ralphy Doo stole the rest of Dana's
dreamsicle.
"Rummy!"
"Oh Ralphy," chuckled Dana.
"Ralphy Dalphy Doo!"
[Laugh
Track]
THE
END!
I hope you don't feel dumber
for having read it! R/R
please!
