Small Steps

I'm leaning on the doorframe just watching him. He's sprawled out on the bed, eyes closed but not asleep. I know he knows I'm here, but he just lays there still, all peaceful like. His hairs gettin long an messy and he hasn't shaved in a few days but to me he's perfect.

Its summer, the suns out and its gettin pretty damn hot outside. He's not wearin a top and I can see his muscular torso moving gently when he breathes.

I move over to the bed to lie with him – I've got a few minutes, Todd's settled playin with some building blocks and that will occupy him for a while. I take his hand in mine, and his noise is going Ben. Ben Ben Ben Ben Ben. There's so much affection in the way he thinks it, it makes me smile. He's smiling too, but his eyes are still closed. He got the mornin shift see, Todd woke us up at half 2 this morning, so I told him to go have a nap.

I run my hand over his chest and he moves so that he's on his side facing me. It's only then does he open his eyes. He's still smiling at me, his eyes lookin deep into mine and his noise gently mixes in with mine. And he kisses me. All soft like. Nice and slow.

And that's it. Perfect, contented, happy, natural. Everything is right when I'm around him. Cillian Boyd. My stupid, gorgeous-in-a-rough-kinda-way, bad-at-expressing-himself but good-to-the-heart life partner. Him and Todd, they're my world.

He pulls away from me to look at me again. His hand is resting on my hip, but its firm, like it don't wanna let me go. A thousand conversations and none at all pass between us in those few seconds. He knows everything about me, and I know everything about him. And it's perfect.

Our little silent heart to heart is disturbed by noise. Baby noise. Really proud of itself baby noise at that. A little excited squeal comes from the living room.

'I'll go,' Cillian says, seeing how comfy I looked on the bed. I didn't realize how exhausted I am.

'BEN! BEN YOU'RE MISSING IT! COME HERE!' Cillian calls and I'm up faster than you can say Todd Hewitt.

I peer through the doorway of the living room, and man, if what I see isn't the most precious thing…

Cillian is crouching right down, and we both watch as Todd stands himself up, a little shakily at first, then walks (actually walks!) toward Cillian! His first steps!

Cillian catches him before he falls over, and stands up with him, holding Todd high above his head, then he's twirlin him around and pullin him close. All the while Todd's squealin with excitement.

I can't move. I'm literally stuck to the floor, staring in awe of the two most important people in my life.

Cillian's going all baby mushy to Todd. 'Ohh, my little man, you can walk! There ain't no stoppin you now! Yer ma and pa would be so proud of ya! Jus like me an Ben! I'm so proud of you, little guy!'

Seeing Cillian around Todd has to be the most heart-beakingly beautiful thing in the world. See, he's completely himself around me (NOW, man, it took a while) but I can see in his noise how much I confuse him, how hard he has to think about what he says. Like he looks at me an suddenly there ain't no words than he can say to explain what he wants to say. But when he's around Todd, there ain't no stoppin his words. Constantly tellin Todd how much we love him, how proud of him we are, or what a little bugger he is for wakin us up at 2 in the morning but that's ok cuz we still love you and would do anything for you little man.

I join them, Cillian puts an arm round me and lets me hold Todd. Todd's smile could genuinely brighten up a room. There's no doubt about that.

And there we are. Despite all that's happened. Despite all we've been through. There's our small, makeshift family, who couldn't be happier.