Thoughts Through the Plumbing: A Diary

Myrtle doesn't have many girlfriends to gossip with, so she gossips about all of the events that take place in the bathrooms to her diary.

First Semester:

September 1st Dear Diary,

The school year has begun, and the castle will be full of students again. It's been a long three months cooped up with just the portraits, the other ghosts, and the house elves. Professor Dumbledore was in and out, but mostly he was busy in London dealing with the war. Not that it matters. There is nothing I'd want to see him doing in the bathroom anyway.

I'm very excited that Harry and the other seventh years have returned. They have been my favorites for a while now, especially since they hit puberty a few years ago. Alas, I never got to enjoy any of that when I was alive. Still, I can watch, and imagine.

The feast is over now, and people are beginning to ready for bed. Harry and Ron will go to sleep without so much as brushing their teeth or emptying their bladders. (They do this every year.) This will cause Ron to wake in the middle of the night to use the Gryffindor prefect's bathroom. Hermione will stoop to joining the other girls in the regular bathroom, to participate in the nightly exfoliating and applying of green face masks to sleep in, along with Lavender and Parvati. This was something they talked her into third year, and has been a ritual for the three girls ever since, and one of the few female bonding activities that Hermione participates in.

Ernie McMillan will be wanking off in a stall while the other boys get ready for bed. They think he just has constipation. Padma Patil enjoys the Ravenclaw prefect bathroom alone, but wishes she were with her sister, because she doesn't have many close friends of her own. Draco locks himself in the bathroom to be alone, and always takes long baths every night. I had better get there before he does...

Love, Myrtle

September 14th Dear Diary:

Paravati and Lavender's periods have finally regulated so that they start at the same time. For some reason they are very thrilled about this. I think its disgusting.

I've been hanging out in the locker rooms at the Quidditch field. Ravenclaw has a great line-up this year, ditto with Gryffindor. Hufflepuff's is average, but then, does Hufflepuff ever do better than average? If only Slytherin would put Draco on Chaser and let Blaise Zabini join. (She cries in my bathroom about them not letting her on the team (because she's a girl) at the beginning of every school year.) If Draco's father wasn't so uptight about his son beating Harry, the boy might actually enjoy himself for once. I remember the time Lucius Malfoy caught me spying on him his seventh year. Boy, was he mad...

A first year stumbled into my bathroom today. She was very polite. I like her. And that was today.

Love, Myrtle

September 25th Dear Diary:

Peeves thought it would be funny to throw dung bombs at me. I hate him.

Love, Myrtle

October 6th Dear Diary:

I caught Michel Corner and Pansy Parkinson making out in my bathroom today. It was interesting. He's not going to be having much fun when her boyfriend finds out though. I don't know what any guy sees in Pansy, what with her pug nose and all, but she brings a different one to my bathroom almost every week. She's very promiscuous.

Ginny Weasley cries in the bathroom almost every night after everyone's gone to bed. She's worried about her older brothers, I think. I do hope nothing happens to Bill. He was always nice to me, and I know he meant it. I don't care what happens to those horrible twins though. They used to make fun of me something awful. They made me cry. In fact they remind me of the time Olive Hornby made fun of me and I ran to my bathroom and then...I died.

Harry hasn't been by to visit me yet this year. I may visit him in the shower tonight...

Love, Myrtle

October 10th Dear Diary: Luna Lovegood was singing to herself while she used the toilet today. Madame Hooch uses spells to keep her boobs perky. I've decided not to visit Hagrid's bathroom again. Despite my admittedly morbid curiosity, I can't stand the smell.

Love, Myrtle

October 18th Dear Diary:

Goyle has a urinary infection that he screams about while peeing when he thinks no one is in the room.

Lavender Brown has a zit, and she's afraid it will multiply and she'll look like Eloise Midgen. I hope it does.

Ron has been posing naked in the mirror in the prefect's bath, showing off his muscles to himself. I have to stifle my laughter, because he hasn't got any...

Love, Myrtle

November 1st Dear Diary:

Hermione has been awful depressed. She was crying in the girls room while Lavender tried to console her. Poor thing. Parvati and Lavender have a betting pool going on when Ron is going to ask Hermione out, and apparently Hermione just lost five galleons because she was sure he would by Halloween. All of the girls talk about it, but I've never heard a peep from the boys about Ron liking her back, but I know he does because last week he punched Neville because he admitted her jerked off thinking of her.

I don't really mind about Hermione though, because she never seems sincere when she talks to me. Good riddance.

Love, Myrtle

November 19th Dear Diary:

Seamus Finnigan was trying to use a spell to make his, you know, bigger, and he accidentally went too far, and had to hide in boys' bath for about four hours before everyone was asleep and he could get to the hospital wing without being seen, because his robes wouldn't button over it.

Love, Myrtle

November 28th Dear Diary:

Crabbe spent half of last evening throwing up because they snuck back a few bottles of Fire Whiskey from Hogsmeade. Draco came in and laughed at him at one point. He can hold his liquor, that Draco, though once after he had drank too much I caught him snogging Terry Boot in a bathroom. Unfortunately, that's as far as it went, and I haven't been able to catch them at it again since.

I've decided that Professor Snape masturbates too much. That man needs a girl friend desperately.

On the Hufflepuff front, Hannah Abbot gained a lot of weight over the summer, and has taken to bulimia to get it back off. She is the fattest bulimic I have ever seen. She's been at it for most of the school year, and she just keeps getting bigger.

Love, Myrtle

December 5th Dear Diary:

Padma's started talking to herself while she's in the bath. It's no wonder the poor thing is so lonely all the time. She likes girls! I would never have guessed in a million years, but she was trying to convince herself not to kiss Lisa Turpin.

Harry visited me last night after I showed up while he was naked three nights in a row. Seems he prefers to talk when he has pants on. Pity. I know how to get his attention now, anyway.

Love, Myrtle

December 16th Dear Diary:

Nearly Headless Nick told me my hair was pretty today. I know he was lying.

Love, Myrtle

December 25th Dear Diary:

At least now I know why Dean Thomas decided to stay for Christmas this year. I have only one question. Now, not that I mind, but why does everyone come to my bathroom to have sex? I just don't get it. Oh well. It was very sweet of him. He set it up with big pillows and candles all over the sinks. That boy definitely knew the right way for Ginny's first time.

Love, Myrtle