Title: Learning How to Live
Summary: Ziva has learned how to kill, but she must learn how to live. Ziva POV.
Rated: PG-13
Categories: Action/Adventure, Angst, Drama
Genre: Action, Angst, Character Study
Warnings: Character Death (canon)
Author's Notes: Written for the Ziva as Mossad Operative challenge on NFA, which details a scene or event in Ziva's life before she joined NCIS.
Prologue
From a young age, I knew the differences between right and wrong, good and evil, what should be done versus what actually was done. Years later, I have put my knowledge to use, and it pains me to know that even with the best of intentions, good does not always triumph over evil and in some cases, what I see as protecting the innocent may be viewed as a crime.
My name is Ziva David and I am an officer for the Mossad. My job description? I'm an assassin. I kill people for a living. It is my responsibility to ensure the safety of Israeli citizens, as well as to retaliate for wrongdoings done to these citizens. I obtain information through whatever means I can – whether it is through classic Mossad torture techniques or using my more . . . feminine wiles. Yes, I will sleep with someone for information, and I do not limit myself to men. I do not have issues seducing another woman to get what I want. After all, the majority of women are notoriously flighty and emotional, seeking love and approval from any possible source, and when they feel they have that security, they will let their barriers crumble and will expose even their darkest secrets. Vulnerability makes for an easy target.
Yet I myself am not like most women. I do not thrive on attention from men, nor do I allow myself to become attached to people. I do not need their blessing to go about my daily activities, to do the things I prefer to do. I am a strong, independent woman. I need to be in my profession. Anything less could equal death, and I am not prepared to give up my life because I let myself become emotionally involved in the process of doing my job. It is simplest to refrain from attachment to anyone or anything. Though it is not always easy. I discovered that three years ago, and since that day, I have only allowed a select few to see that I am not all warrior all the time. It is far too dangerous to open myself further, and I do not think I could bear the heartbreak if what happened those three years ago occurred once more.
I do not know that I have it in me to live through that again. Realistically, I know I am not free of these people being taken from me, with my profession and theirs, too, but the least I can hope for is that I will not be there when it happens, when that moment comes that threatens to destroy any sense of the truth and justice I have come to know as my own personal faith.