Catharsis
The war had ended and everyone was trying to pick up the pieces. Though there was great relief that it was all over, many wondered about the price for peace and freedom. Was peace worth the lives of so many good witches and wizards? They hoped so, no one wanted the fallen heroes lives to have been given up for nothing. So it was up to all the survivors to make this peaceful new world the best it could be.
Most were ready to move forward. But some, some had lost too much.
Some were still in the midst of war within themselves.
No one knew this better than Harry Potter.
The hero, the savior, the boy of prophecy. The boy who lived and died and lived again. He was victory, he was hope to all.
But he was just a boy. A boy who lost too much. A boy that never experienced normalcy.
He was always treated according to his name and heritage.
With his muggle relatives, he was spurned and hated because of the ancient magical blood that ran through his veins.
Within the Wizarding community he was idolized or envied because of his name.
Even with his closest and dearest friends everything started and related to "Harry Potter boy who lived". They had high expectations of him. He was supposed to embody goodness, and was held to a higher standard.
Hermione and Ron knew Harry wasn't perfect, but they expected certain behaviors from him.
Everyday the media hounded Harry, and everyday they asked him what his future plans were.
And everyday he dodged them and avoided their questions. Until finally he avoided everyone and hid from the world.
He couldn't tell them the truth.
It was too pathetic.
He honestly didn't know what to do. He was lost. His memories burned. Faces of lost loved ones were constant. Their horrible deaths flashed in his mind over and over. It was a reel that wouldn't stop. His mind was his enemy, like a dementor his mind tortured him.
He was in the middle of one such session when Hermione flooed into his apartment.
Hermione looked around and noticed how empty the apartment still was. Harry had been living there for a couple of months. She knew that though he was eighteen and able to inherit all the properties left to him by his parents and godfather, he hadn't touched anything save for the money he needed for monthly expenses. And looking around Hermione concluded that he hadn't used much.
"Harry," she called out.
He was sitting by the cushions in the bay window. He hadn't even noticed her arrival.
Hermione sighed and went to rouse him from his thoughts.
"Harry," she said softly. She placed her hand on his shoulder.
He jerked and turned to face her.
"Oh Hermione, didn't know you were here."
She chuckled. "well obviously." She sniffed then scrunched her nose.
"Harry when was the last time you showered?" She moved away from him slightly.
Harry just shrugged his shoulders. He didn't have it in him to care.
"A few days ago I think."
Hermione just shook her head at him.
"Go shower now. I'll make you some food too, it looks as though you haven't eaten in a few days either."
Harry got up to do as he was told, then suddenly stopped.
"Um Hermione."
"Yes?" she asked impatiently.
"I don't think I have any food."
Hermione just sighed, "Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it."
Harry nodded and went to the bathroom.
When Hermione heard the lock on the bathroom door click she went into the small kitchenette. She saw that there was absolutely nothing in the fridge. The cabinets were also bare save for a small pack of cigarettes.
Hermione frowned. Harry didn't smoke. At least not to her knowledge. And she prided herself on knowing almost everything about Harry and Ron.
The pack was still sealed, the brand was unknown to her. The packaging was sort of pretty with all the gold flowers on it.
She would simply have to ask Harry about it after he was done with his much needed shower.
"Well I guess I need to get some groceries," she mumbled to herself. She was going to apparate straight to a grocer but then changed her mind. She looked outside the small window above the sink and noticed how mild the weather was.
"I'll do it the muggle way," she proclaimed decidedly.
She stepped out of Harry's apartment and made sure to lock the door with a flick of her wand. Then she placed it snugly in her back jean pocket hidden by her long lavender jumper. She made it down three flights of stairs and smiled politely at passing residents in Harry's building. One resident in particular caught her eye as she was going down.
It was a little girl voraciously reading a world encyclopedia. The child was sitting in the hallway of the first floor. She was obviously engrossed and Hermione couldn't help but smile. The little girl wore thick frames and had braided blonde hair. She reminded Hermione of herself. The little one looked up at Hermione and simply smiled. Hermione smiled back and continued on her way out the door.
She walked down the street after having asked a kind woman directions to the closest grocery store. Hermione found that it was warm and comforting to be fully immersed in the muggle world again. No one stared at her. No one recognized her. Everyone simply went about their day and she reveled in the delicious peace there was in being a total stranger.
The grocery store was small and there were only a few customers milling about. It was the middle of a week day so it made sense. Most muggles were working at this time of day. She picked up a basket and put in some fruits and vegetables. Then she choose some crackers and a few canned foods. Hermione wanted to make sure Harry had some type of food in his cabinets that wouldn't go bad right away. She continued grabbing things here and there until she got to the meat section.
She was stuck deciding between turkey and ground beef when she noticed a young woman next to her.
She wore a green apron and latex gloves and was obviously an employee. She was busy organizing the packages of chicken that had just arrived. The young woman was slender and a little taller than Hermione, she also had curly hair. The difference was, her golden brown hair curled into beautiful tight curls, her mane was impressively thick and glossy. Hermione tried her best not to be envious. She tried.
The young employee stopped when she noticed Hermione staring at her. She looked up and smiled.
"Hello miss, is there anything I can help you with?" she said politely.
Hermione blushed, she berated herself for staring.
"Um, actually," she started, "I was just sort of stuck with deciding between ground beef or turkey." Hermione winced and hoped the woman didn't think she was as clueless as she sounded.
The woman's smile widened and she came to stand closer to Hermione.
"Well what are you making?" she asked.
Hermione just shrugged, "I'm still not sure. I'm making food for a friend. He hasn't been feeling well lately."
The woman nodded, "Perhaps a soup would be better."
Hermione realized she misinterpreted her words.
"Oh, well he's not sick. He's just been through a lot. He's not been himself."
"I see," she said with sudden understanding, " in that case some turkey patties would be good. They're not as heavy as beef. When I'm blue I know I need substantial food but not something that would make me drowsy." She laughed a little, "Otherwise I'd just sleep away and not deal with my problems."
Hermione smiled brightly at her. "Yeah that sounds good. And I'll make him some mixed vegetables as well."
The woman laughed again, "Can't forget those."
Hermione nodded and noticed the name tag clipped to the green apron.
"Thanks for your help Emily."
Emily smiled, "It was my pleasure miss."
"Hermione, my name's Hermione."
Emily laughed softly, "It was my pleasure, Hermione." Then she nodded at her and went back to the unattended chicken.
Hermione smiled and picked up the turkey. She made her way to the cashier. After she paid, she looked around the store before leaving, hoping to catch a glimpse of Emily one more time.
She couldn't explain it, but her encounter with Emily made her incredibly happy. Perhaps it was just the sheer fact that Emily treated her normally. Or perhaps it was the warm tone Emily had used.
She pulled herself out of her thoughts and realized half an hour had passed by. She rushed towards Harry's apartment determined to make her friend a decent meal.
When Harry had gotten out of the shower he realized he hadn't brought a towel with him. He softly opened his door just a crack and looked to see where Hermione was. His glasses were still a bit fogged from being in the steamy bathroom.
"Hermione," he called out. When he got no response he assumed it was safe to go to his room.
He walked out still wet and completely naked. He shivered a bit and hurried to his room. Once inside he closed the door and grabbed a towel hanging off a chair. It smelled a bit musty but he used it anyway. He towel dried his hair and sat on the bed completely tired. He was grateful to Hermione, he had lost track of the day. He was sure that if she hadn't come by he'd still be drowning in his thoughts.
Harry sighed and got frustrated with himself.
For how long would he stay down? Why couldn't he just be strong? Why couldn't he move forward like everyone wanted him to?
His frustration grew into anger. He was angry at himself, he hated how completely pathetic he was. His eyes started to well with angry tears. He pulled off his glasses as he grabbed his hair roughly and rested his elbows on his knees. Completely curled into himself he cried. And he hated himself for it. His self loathing ate away at him.
The front door opened and Harry immediately jumped to grab his wand that laid under his pillow.
He wiped his tears quickly only to notice that he was still naked. He shook his head, he couldn't worry about that.
Just as he was about to open the door, armed with his wand, the intruder called out.
"Harry, I'm back from the store." Harry sighed in relief and shook his head at his forgetfulness.
Hermione was a bit out of breath. True to her word, she had done everything like a muggle. Including climbing the stairs with all the groceries she had bought. Finally she gave in and with her wand used depulso to get the groceries to their rightful places in the small kitchen. She locked the door behind her and sighed with relief.
Harry quickly dressed in some dark jeans and a soft, blue t shirt. He left his towel on the floor and headed towards the kitchen in a hurry.
"What did you get?" Harry asked. Hermione jumped when she heard Harry's voice directly behind her. She was at the sink washing some potatoes and carrots.
"Just some things for your lunch. Geez Harry don't scare me like that." She reprimanded.
"Sorry," he simply said. "I'll help you. I'm pretty good at cooking." he said wryly.
Hermione just shrugged, "I know you are. Well just start peeling these. I'll get the patties ready." As they worked quietly Hermione noticed the pack of cigarettes again. Harry was concentrating and didn't notice her pocket them discreetly.
Once everything was ready Hermione set their plates on the counter. There was only one stool so Hermione simply stood and insisted that her friend take the seat. Harry was noble and tried to give her the seat, but Hermione was more stubborn than Harry was noble. He was also tired and figured it was best not to argue with her.
About halfway into their meal, Hermione decided to break their peaceful silence. She knew Harry was in a rough patch but she couldn't stand by quietly waiting until he admitted he needed help. Because that would never happen. Harry would rather suffer in silence.
"Everyone misses you Harry." Hermione started gently.
Harry winced but said nothing.
"Ron's worried. Ginny is too. You never come by anymore."
"I'm sorry."
Hermione sighed at her friend's defeated tone.
"Harry, are you going to be alright? Do you need help?" Hermione got straight to the point.
Harry's temper flared a little at her questions.
"I'm fine Hermione." he said stubbornly.
"Really Harry? Because the state I found you in didn't look 'fine."
"What do you want me to say Hermione? Huh, what do you want me to say? Want me to tell you that I'm not alright. That I'm still so haunted by the past that I can't move forward! Because I am, and I know that's not what you want to hear. I know you want me to help you with your little project you have going on in the Ministry. 'Together we can build a new Ministry, one that's transparent and accountable to the people.' Oh I read your little interview, it was on the front page for ages."
Hermione was in disbelief at her friend's mocking tone. The hurt she felt in that moment was excruciating.
"But Harry isn't that what you wanted too? Didn't you feel wronged by the Ministry when they used their power to unfairly snuff out your voice?!" she argued back.
"Don't presume to act like you understood how I felt! Never presume to know my thoughts on any matter regarding the Ministry." Harry yelled viciously.
Hermione was confused with his tone.
"What are you talking about Harry? I was right by your side, I remember the wrongs done to you, to us." Then Hermione got angered by the ugly look he gave her. "Don't act like you were the only one that got hurt! Don't act like you're the only one in pain! You think I don't remember them?! Because I do, I miss them everyday but I'm moving forward because of them. Their sacrifice deserves to be honored by us, especially by you Harry."
Without realizing it, Hermione said the very thing that hurt Harry the most. He gasped because the pain was renewed. He turned away from Hermione. She hadn't realized how badly she hurt him.
"You're right," he said softly. Hermione was surprised by the sudden change in his mood.
"It was because of me. They all died for me." Harry sounded so incredibly wounded. Hermione clamped her hands over her mouth. She immediately regretted her choice of words, and saw exactly how Harry interpreted them.
"Harry I didn't mean it like that." she said desperately. "I only meant that you are the best of us. Everyone that died loved you dearly, you know that." But the damage was already done and Hermione couldn't save her friend from the pain her words caused him.
She nearly cried but held herself together. She needed to be strong for Harry. She couldn't believe herself. She hurt Harry when he was at his most vulnerable, she felt like quite the villain.
They were quiet for some time. Hermione berated herself for her idiotic choice of words. Harry merely wallowed in self hatred. He wasn't angry at Hermione, she was only speaking the truth.
Hermione sighed and leaned forward on the counter. A little crinkling sound came from her pocket.
Both Harry and Hermione looked at each other, then at her pocket. Hermione pulled out the box and suddenly remembered the pack of cigarettes.
Harry saw what she pulled out and looked at Hermione curiously.
"I didn't know you smoked Hermione," Harry said, voice filled with shock.
"I-I don't." she responded indignantly. "These are yours Harry. I found them in your cabinet."
Harry just stared at her completely confused.
"They're not yours?" Hermione asked just as confused.
Harry shook his head.
"Then how did they get in here?" Hermione asked. She was worried now.
"I'm not sure."
"What if-what if someone came in here without you knowing?" suddenly Hermione was on high alert. She did not like the idea of someone sneaking around Harry's house while he was in such a weakened state.
"I doubt it, only friends can come inside. And only you and Ron know about this apartment." Harry was sure of this. After what he'd been through, no one could blame him for taking extra measures in protective spells and charms. His apartment was impenetrable.
"But these cigarettes couldn't just appear here, not unless someone sent them." Hermione was going through a list in her mind, thinking of anyone that could have sent them.
Harry knew Hermione was worried, but he wondered what she would think if he told her his theory. He had a possible explanation about these mysterious cigarettes. She would probably get more worried about him. But it would be the only way to convince her no one was out to harm him. Well, no one but himself.
"Hermione, its possible that they are mine."
Hermione gave him a confused look.
"I've uh, I've been losing track of time lately. Also, now before I tell you, please don't yell at me." Harry waited until Hermione agreed before he continued.
"Ugh Harry, fine I won't. What is it?" she couldn't help the dread that built up in her stomach. She knew she wasn't going to like what Harry was going to say.
Harry sighed, "I've been drinking a bit lately." he mumbled.
Hermione stared at him in disbelief. But just as she was about to reprimand Harry, he continued.
"I've also been using the cheering charm, and pepperup potion. I know I'm not supposed to use them with alcohol. But," Harry looked at Hermione with pleading eyes, "I didn't know what else I could do. Sometimes I just want to be oblivious and happy, I don't want to be miserable all the time." Harry looked away when his eyes watered a bit. He refused to cry, he was pathetic enough as it was without him crying in front of Hermione.
Hermione herself nearly broke down. She couldn't believe how blind she was. She was so blind to the horrible pain Harry was going through. In that moment guilt overwhelmed her.
Harry cleared his throat. "Anyway, I must have used quite a bit of it last night and I probably bought those cigarettes. I don't remember doing it but, I'm not really logical when I'm drunk."
Hermione was quiet for a moment.
"Where?"
"Where what?" Harry asked.
"Where is the alcohol? And the potion?"
Harry just stared at her. Suddenly he felt incredibly frightened.
"Why?" he asked frantically.
"Just tell me where they are." Hermione said calmly.
"No."
"No?" Hermione raised her eyebrows.
"Hermione I can't tell you."
"Why not?"
"Because you'll just take it away." Harry said in a panic.
Hermione nodded, "That was my intention." She still spoke to him in a calm manner.
"No Hermione please, I-I need them. They make me feel better." Harry pleaded with her like a small child.
Hermione just shook her head. "Harry, I will NOT allow you to become an addict. I am confiscating all the potions and alcohol you have."
Harry just looked at her in horror.
"As for the cheering charm, I'm going to supervise your wand's activities."
"You can't, you won't!" Harry yelled in disbelief.
"I can and I will! You can hate me, but I refuse to see another friend of mine harmed. Harry do you realize how dangerous that medical cocktail you created is? Your blood and your mind can only take so much tampering, you could die. I'd rather you alive and hating me, than happily overdosed and dead!" Hermione noticed Harry's look of guilt.
Hermione softened her tone.
"Harry I love you so much. And I want to help you." She wrapped her dear friend in a warm hug. At first Harry sat still, then he wrapped his arms around her and accepted her hug. Hermione sighed in relief. She knew that if Harry hadn't confessed to her, she might not have known about his dangerous activities until it was too late.
"I think part of the problem is that you've been cooped up in here alone for too long." she said softly.
They parted and Harry just shook his head.
"I can't face anyone right now, I'm not ready."
"I don't mean going back to the Wizarding world. I just mean getting out of the house. Why don't you enjoy the muggle world for a while." Hermione suggested.
Hermione smiled as she thought about how peaceful it was shopping for groceries earlier. Perhaps all Harry needed was time away from his fame, and from pushy fans.
Harry hadn't really considered the possibility of spending time in the muggle world. His apartment was on the outskirts of London, but now that he thought about it, he never did walk around the neighborhood. He always flooed or apparated, never having to interact with his muggle neighbors.
"And you know, not all muggles are like your relatives. Some of them are quite lovely."
Harry just nodded his head. He knew that. He knew his aunt and uncle were not the norm when it came to muggles.
"I think that's a good idea." Harry said cautiously.
"Wonderful" Hermione was pleased that Harry was open to the idea.
"Let's finish up lunch then we can walk around outside. You need some fresh air." Hermione tactfully remained silent on the matter of the alcohol and potions. She hoped Harry would be more open to telling her where the stash was once he had a nice walk.
Once they were done eating Hermione advised Harry to wear a jumper as it was a bit breezy outside.
He chose a black jumper and slipped on some worn converse. His wand was slipped snugly in his back pocket, as was Hermione's.
They walked down the stairs and Harry took a look around. In his months of living there, he never took notice of the building itself. It was dated but very well kept. The halls were a soft creme with navy blue accents. The old wooden floors were well polished and long carpet runners went down along all the hallways and stairs. His apartment was on the third floor, so it was a short trip down.
Hermione smiled when she saw Harry taking in his surroundings. She grabbed his arm and pulled him outside.
They walked down the street. There were still a few hours left before most muggles would return home from their work day, so the streets were relatively quiet.
Hermione perked up when they started heading in the direction of the grocery store she went to earlier.
They passed by a cafe and music was coming from inside. It smelled enticing, like freshly baked pastries and rich coffee.
"Let's get dessert." Hermione left no room for argument.
Harry just smiled at her.
They walked in and a little bell rang when they opened the door.
Hermione and Harry just smiled at the practical inventions muggles made for daily life.
"Welcome to Martha's." A friendly barista smiled at them. Hermione walked to the counter and ordered a slice of lemon cake and a cup of tea. Harry followed her lead and ordered a snickerdoodle cookie and black tea.
When the barista tallied up the total Harry suddenly remembered that he didn't have any muggle currency on him.
Hermione just rested her hand on his arm to calm him as she handed the barista a card.
"Its just easier than carrying cash around." Hermione whispered to him. Harry thought that he should consider getting a credit card as well. It was small and convenient enough to carry.
"The Wizarding world should consider cards too," Harry said once they were seated with their desserts, "instead of having to walk around with actual gold." Hermione laughed and nodded in agreement.
"Can you imagine what the goblins would think of muggle credit?" Hermione asked with mirth.
"I can only imagine," Harry said lightly. Hermione was right. The fresh air was working. He might really enjoy his time in the muggle world.
"Oh I love this song," Hermione sighed happily. Harry listened but couldn't recognize it.
"I've never heard it before."
"Well you haven't been exposed to much muggle music, other than whatever your relatives listened to." Hermione said delicately.
Harry nodded. His muggle relatives weren't really a sore spot for him anymore. At least with Dudley he felt there was some sort of reconciliation.
"Anyway, this song is called 'Nature boy' as sung in this version by Nat King Cole. Its from the 1940's, an era in American muggle music that was dominated by jazz and big band." Hermione was factual as ever.
Harry listened to the song intently and found that he enjoyed it. He would have to expand his knowledge of muggle music.
They ate their pastries and mused about muggle inventions and ways of life. Hermione felt that muggle technology and development needed to be noticed and addressed by the Wizarding world.
"I mean, most wizards are completely ignorant of the capabilities of muggles in this day and age. We need a serious conversation about our world of secrecy and how to either become more discreet or learn to incorporate muggle technology to our advantage."
Harry hadn't really thought of it, but Hermione was absolutely correct. The Wizarding world needed to learn how to deal with the advanced muggle society. It wasn't primitive like a lot of wizards still assumed.
As they spoke neither wizard nor witch noticed a young muggle woman walk into the cafe. She glided by and ordered her usual cup of coffee. She was weighed down by her heavy pack. Once she had her coffee, she set her heavy bag down and stretched until her back gave a pop.
She sighed contentedly. This was her favorite part of the day. As she sipped her hot coffee carefully she noticed a couple sitting a few booths away from her. They were talking to each other quite intently. She didn't mean to stare but the young woman looked familiar to her.
As she tried to place the her, the girl looked at her and they locked eyes for a moment. Suddenly the woman stood and headed towards her.
"Emily?" the woman said. Emily froze for a moment and then it clicked. She was the customer from the store.
"H-Hermione?"
Hermione nodded and smiled.
"How did the turkey work out?" Emily asked her, returning the smile.
"It was perfect. I'm actually with that friend I told you about right now." Hermione pointed at the young man that was now looking at the girls curiously.
She waved him over and Emily looked at him with surprise as he came over.
"This is H-"
"Harry?" Emily said with a laugh.
Harry and Hermione looked at each other, then Harry looked at Emily. He was completely lost.
"Uh, yes?"
Emily was laughing outright now.
"I guess you don't remember. You were pretty wasted last night love." She said with good humor.
"Er-I was?" Harry was desperately trying to remember the events of the past night, but for the life of him he couldn't.
"Yes, you were at the pub down the street. Oh you put on a good show for everyone." Then she looked at him more seriously.
"Thanks love, you really did stop me from breaking my clean streak." She looked at him with so much kindness Harry wondered what it was that he did.
"What did he stop you from doing?" Hermione asked. She was very curious about Harry's encounter with Emily. Who knew Harry was going around being a jolly fellow in muggle bars?
Emily turned to Hermione.
"Well to some it wouldn't seem like such a big thing, but he came at the exact moment I was going to open a pack of ciggs. I haven't smoked in months, so I'm glad he stopped me." She smiled warmly and Hermione looked at Harry with pride.
"Even drunk you're a good person Harry." Hermione smirked at him.
Harry laughed nervously. He was uncomfortable with such blatant praise.
Then he looked over to Hermione.
"I guess now we know where I got the cigarettes from." Hermione nodded and laughed.